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Author Topic: Be honest... Do you wish your pwBPD well?  (Read 3244 times)
j4c
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« on: March 22, 2013, 11:01:45 PM »

I've been reading through these boards long enough now to be able to form an opinion that the vast majority of you guys out there are genuinely decent, honest, caring people. And if i may be allowed to have a wee blow on my own trumpet I'd like to include myself in said catagory!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Now don't get me wrong, Its not that I particularly wish any harm on my uexBPDgf, despite all the heartache & depression she caused me, but its like I can't wait for her latest "relationship" to fail!

It really isn't like me to gain any kind of satisfaction from other peoples misfortunes but in this instance I can't help it!

Maybe its just my natural response to someone that hurt me so bad it nearly destroyed me. Perhaps its further validation I'm craving - although I really dont need them to break-up to confirm how mentally ill she is! I guess I just know how its all gonna pan out each time she meets someone new so how could I ever really wish her well in something I know is doomed from the start.

So my answer to the title of this post is that YES i do wish her well, BUT for the good of her 2 daughters, the good of future boyfriends, and the good of herself she needs to stay the hell away from these toxic relationships.

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expos
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2013, 11:30:49 PM »

I am so conflicted on this. 

My last face-to-face meeting with my ex-wife went so poorly (she was brutal, mean, rubbed some stuff in my face) that is just so hard to wish her well.  I tried to wish her well, she just didn't allow it.  I wanted to verbally destroy her and make her feel like garbage, but I kept my cool.

The way they depart a relationship makes it nearly impossible to have any sympathy for them.  Most of my breakups usually have a few weeks of dialog where we try to work things out and even help each other move forward.  If she would have behaved like my other exes, I could always look back and respect her.   

When a BPD leaves, their illness doesn't allow any accountability or sympathy.  This behavior will be repeated again and again as they continue to drift from relationship to relationship.  This is why they have so little friends.  They are so damaged, it's virtually impossible for them to maintain a healthy bond with anyone. 
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just_think
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2013, 01:02:08 AM »

I very much wish them well, because I know with the things they do, they are going to be in so much more pain than I could ever imagine if it all falls apart.  They'll need all the well-wishing they can get.  I really do hope they find peace one day.
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sad but wiser
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2013, 01:07:53 AM »

Oh yes, I wish him well.  Literally.  I wish he were well and whole.

As far as the jealousy thing, it might not be jealousy.  Maybe we look for validation in the ex's inability to maintain relationships - like - it wasn't our fault the relationship got so crazy, etc.  We usually have low self-esteem if we stay in this type of relationship.
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GustheDog
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2013, 02:40:03 AM »

Yes, I do.  Because nothing has made me sadder than the pain I've observed in this deeply-troubled woman's face.  So much pain that she must inflict the same upon those who are closest to and care the most about her.

And because the only way for her to do well is for her to get well.  That will require her to face herself, and the things she's done - to me and others - to own it, feel it, atone for it, and work through it.  If she does this, she will have both given herself the gift of potential happiness and me the validation of knowing that she's faced the shame of the abuse to which she's subjected me.

I wish for all of this, but it's almost certainly never going to happen.
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NonBPDSpouse

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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2013, 05:19:10 AM »

Yes, I do wish her well.

I realize that if she is happy, there is the slight possibility that she may stop holding me responsible for her unhappiness and be able to let me live in peace.

I really don't think that she will find happiness though, as boyfriends are much less tolerant then Husbands(fathers of her children).

My wife is beyond the age of starting a new family so I really don't think anyone will tolerate her behavior as long I did because I only did it because I wouldn't leave our children.

She was always telling me that I was the cause of her unhappiness and I was always looking for proof otherwise.

I would confirm that proof by looking at her relationships with others, but the way she could turn into an angel with others was confusing. After 25 years though, I think people can see through her as they would say thing like  "you take it well".

"you are so easy going"

I think in the beginning, we don't really wish them "bad", but we need validation that they are the Bioches that we think they are and what they did was really "them" and not "us".

What held me together is that over the years is that I always tried to do what I thought was best. I Always checked myself to make sure I was not doing anything vindictive.  I made financial and other decisions based on what I thought was right... .  As best I could anyway  ( I had to compromise on many things to keep from getting thrown out of my own house)

After I realized that she has BPD and the abuse was real and I was not responsible,  I no longer require that validation and wish her well so she will be less dependent on me and I can move on easier. Like I said before though, the reality is, especially if you were together as long as I was that you do feel "responsible" for them as any good husband would.

I really don't think she will be able to function without me, but I hope she finds her way so I can move on.

So yes, I wish her well for the good of us both.

That's why I recommend to any young men / women out there that are in childless relationships with BPD's to end it and move on now.  Before that sense of loyalty and responsibility sets in they should get out and Let the BPD latch onto someone else. 

I don't think these relationships ever end well because you are basically leaving someone with a mental illness and it is not easy to let go.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2013, 05:23:36 AM »

The more I see how broken she is, the more I just wish she was "fixed"... .  

I do wish her well.  I don't want her to suffer.

Of course, I wish that she wasn't QUITE as happy with her new girl as she ever was with me, and I wish that she could be in a happy place and look back and realized what she threw away... .  

But I still wish her well. When she hurts, I hurt. x
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IfOnlyIKnew

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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2013, 05:42:21 AM »

The more I see how broken she is, the more I just wish she was "fixed"... .  

I do wish her well.  I don't want her to suffer.

Of course, I wish that she wasn't QUITE as happy with her new girl as she ever was with me, and I wish that she could be in a happy place and look back and realized what she threw away... .  

But I still wish her well. When she hurts, I hurt. x

The same here. I wish her well, and I told her this in my last email.

I feel so much pity for her that she will have to live with this BPD all her life. She is struggling 24/7 and is exhausted. I've also forgiven many things since I know that they were due to her illness, but I can't forget them. We are 3 months out, she is contacting me quite often to try to recycle, but I struggle to stay NC because I have "things" to keep safe here and I was about to trash everything for her. A chance I didn't... .  

But I don't and can't hate her, I just feel so much pity...
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real lady
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2013, 06:28:36 AM »

I don't even see my uBPDso "trying" to have another relationship. His BPD is so severe that he can play his game 13 hrs/day while I am here and NOT have any real connection to me, how in the world will he want to find time to invest in a relationship with another woman, it won't happen but that is not my problem. No matter HOW MUCH I "wish him well", I remind myself that I am worthy of love and a good and healthy relationship and if it is not meant to be with him, I will go on knowing that I "did my best" and I will feel resolved that I did not leave him in any worse state, quite to the contrary, I made his "life" so much easier for him to withdrawal from the world. I enabled him to withdraw and "do what he wants" instead of accepting my challenge to HEALTH and HAPPINESS. It is his choice and his loss.
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2013, 07:13:08 AM »

I dont know why I am having hardtime hating her after how badly she has treated me and cut off me in last 4 weeks. I have fear that she will get into a r/s with a druggy or a criminal type guy and she might  get in trouble. She has been drowning in self loathing lately and is dysregulated. Only hope is that she has not chosen bad guys in the past, so she might not do such a thing. She just shuts down and rages at me saying "just leave me alone". I still want to protect her and help her ,guide her and hope that I can make her life better by addressing her disorder and getting her to break denial about it. Now, I know clearly what condition she suffers from and have acquired enough knowledge to make atleast some difference in her  life. It's possible  that I have not got hurt enough YET. I get sad,angry and upset when she pushes butin a few days my desire to protect her comes back .
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GlennT
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2013, 07:46:11 AM »

Let's put it this way... if I died and went to Hell... I would'nt want her to even be THERE with me because she was hotter! The same applies to Heaven and Purgatory. I don't want to hear her screams as she frys like a piece of bacon for Eternity. But... .  since I believe in reincarnation... .  I wish she'd be reborn as a tree, or plant, or something harmless, that is nice to look at, and useful.
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2013, 09:08:28 AM »

I pity my BPD (w/NPD traits)xbf when I see how severy traumatized he is. I was reading 'The betrayal bond' by Carnes and I scored high on trauma bonding, but he would score high on every other trauma reaction on the list, trauma pleasure (risk taking etc.), trauma blocking (binging, excessive sleeping etc.), trauma splitting etc. When I think of that I pity him and wish him well.

But on the other hand his youth trauma (and maybe his genes) turned him into a person with no empathy. He only displays empathy as a part of his facade. Underneath is someone who cares about nothing but himself, who thinks rules don't apply to him, who is manipulative and exploitative. He always has an agenda and if I had known about that agenda I wouldn't have gotten involved with him.

My ex sometimes showed himself rather content with his lying, he said it spices up life. I'm sure it gives him some of the excitement he craves, the 'trauma pleasure'. But he knew very well it was wrong. He also knew very well he was hurting other people like me very badly with his behaviour. But he chose to do it anyway. He thinks he's entitled to do anything to other people.

I don't know, I guess it's a matter of how much he is trying not to do bad things although his traumatized personality points him in that direction. I would have to say my ex is not trying very hard, but he is still trying much harder to be good than let's say a charming serial killer is.

If my ex would have more trouble attracting women, I think he would be able to modify his behaviour. As it is he has endless fresh supply, so when he bumps into reality he only changes women, he sees no need to change course, only to hide some things even better. He once told me he can make women do anything and he's rather proud of that. So trauma made him what he is, but his bad behaviour is also a choice. He knows it's bad, but it makes him feel good, and there are no consequences like prison, so why change it. When I think of that, I wish him a giant concrete wall of reality to run into at high speed.

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mtmc01
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« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2013, 10:20:37 AM »

The short answer is no. I wish for the "super Christian" guy she is apparently starting to see now to leave her and for her to realize that not just anyone is going to put up with her nonsense and instability and be willing to give her the chances I did.
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« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2013, 10:37:15 AM »

I wish mine well... .  in a deep well that is... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Actually I do wish her well in the end but as some pointed out, I have a desire too to see her fall flat on her face with the new relationships (whish she will)  I feel the only way or time that she will get better is by hitting rock bottom. Two ways that will happen the quickest, poverty or pregnancy. In about a year her money from our D will be gone and since she has never held a job for any period of time, she will either need to learn how to do that by then or get her act together and hook up with someone that will finance her (that was me 13 years ago ... .  :'()

I watched two of her sisters go the exact same course she is on over the last ten years. Its not pretty. The ones they hurt on their way down are much better off then they are though.

My conclusion, yes I want her to be well but the only person preventing that is her and it wont happen till she suffers more... .  
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mitti
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« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2013, 11:15:49 AM »

Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish he fails at everything, which is true in part, but all the time I wish his lies about me would come out. If they did he would obviously suffer for it but that is only his own doing. I wish that everybody who have a distorted perception of me although they don't know me would find out what really happened, how he treated me, that his accusations of me is what he did. It's not to hurt him but to have this wrong against me put right. And I wish he lost/rejected this so called friend of his who for the past 2-3 years did his best to come between us and succeeded. Losing him would only be beneficial to my ex anyway. This person is a manipulative NPD without whom he would be so much better of.

And then I would wish him all the best in the world. Not that I think he has much hope though of getting well.
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real lady
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« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2013, 11:31:10 AM »

Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish he fails at everything, which is true in part, but all the time I wish his lies about me would come out. If they did he would obviously suffer for it but that is only his own doing. ... .  And then I would wish him all the best in the world. Not that I think he has much hope though of getting well.

I agree mitti... .  sometimes I HOPE that he SEES HIS FAILURE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP and CHANGES but then I would wish that he would DO THAT NOW and not later with another woman. I deserve his "good" parts of his personality, etc and I have ended up with having to deal with his mental illness. They ARE responsible for themselves and their behavior. We can all see that they are VERY LIKELY to continue to FAIL at any other relationship as they have with ours. We can "wish them well" but I think that it is "too hopeful" to be likely in their lives.

IF they would BE HEALED, why wouldn't they TRY to seek treatment while WE ARE WITH THEM? If he does not SEEK TREATMENT with me, I don't see him living any differently... .  at all.
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kahnighit

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« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2013, 02:10:26 PM »

I've broken no contact with my exBPDgf twice in roughly the last month.  The first time on the heels of her contacting me the day she got engaged a mere 3 months after the end of our 4 year relationship and I was certain she was doing it to gloat.  That was about a month ago.  The second time 4 days ago when she contacted me to tell me he broke off their engagement.  LOL. 

Both conversations were, as predicted, an exercise in futility. The new element to them was it was the first time I confronted her about her battle with breast cancer that was either faked or she completely ignored all treatment.  First time was complete avoidance of the topic.  Not even denials she just tried to change the topic asap.  2nd time she finally did admit that she has ignored her treatment.  As with all things regarding a BPD; I'm still not sure what to believe.  She has a daughter who's clearly being damaged.  I'm pretty sure that ignoring treatment is up there on reprehensible things to do if you have a young child. So as I reflect upon the information, provided it's true, I am left with: According to statistics she's at a 50% survival chance.  If she waits another 3 years she's down to 20%.  Faced with the possibility that her neglect will remove her from our presence I think to myself, "the world would be a better place and her daughter would probably be better off." 

Now I guess you could say that pretty definitively says I don't wish her well.  I'm not wishing harm upon her either.  I've spent a lot of time contemplating the incredible karmic debt she's racked up but the irony of this situation, again if true, is she's done it to herself.  Really the struggle I'm having at this point is just dealing with me and eliminating "her" from my present.  I don't wish or think anything regarding her except wanting her influence gone from my life.  I'm not at a place yet where I can just pity her.  There's still too much anger.  I'm getting there though.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2013, 02:12:08 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.  
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« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2013, 03:22:11 PM »

It's funny that I was planning to post something relevant to this.

On the one hand, I do wish her well, especially since we have kids together and the better she does, the better it is for them. Also, why wouldn't I want her to be a good person? The world needs as much goodness as we humans can create.

I heard today from her mom that she was doing quite a bit better and I felt a bit stung by it. I realized that for me the reason is largely that it is much easier for me to accept my decision to get out if she continues to do badly. I can feel that things would not have gotten better and that I really did the best anyone could do.

But if she does well, my confidence is shaken. I wonder if maybe there wasn't some way things could have worked, and that I somehow missed the magic formula.

Of course, I am skeptical as to whether she really is doing as well as her mom says, and even if she is, I am skeptical that any positive changes will last. But the emotional sting still surprised me, and I feel a bit guilty about being more comfortable with her doing badly than well. All told, I would still rather her do well than badly, though.
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2013, 03:45:37 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.  

That's how I feel pretty much most of the time. Not really worth my time or energy anymore. When I am in one of those moods though (I'm not gonna lie), I hope Karma bites both of them (my ex and ex-friend who betrayed me) in the @ss. Unfortunately Karma tends to take it's sweet time in these matters, so I go back to my previous statement. I wish them nothing, because I don't care anymore. My psycho ex is no longer my problem. I am free.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Slowlybutsurely
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« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2013, 05:04:46 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.

Me too. She isn't my problem anymore, and I haven't bumped into her for a year. I hope I never bump into her again, or see her, or know anything about her. She consumed my life for years, but I'm over it, finally, and I don't care anymore. Sure, I don't wish her any bad things, just as I don't wish anyone bad things. But I don't waste my time wishing her well or thinking about her much anymore. It feels so good to be free.
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MakeItHappen
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« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2013, 05:11:34 PM »

Wow. I was just saying these exact same words to my friend on the phone as I read your post.

I find myself wanting my exBPD (w/NPD traits) to put the new girlfriend through the same crap that I went through and watch it all fall apart. I realize, these are not the nicest of thoughts but at times, I can't seem to help myself.

I'm also finding myself looking for ways to be validated in that my ex does indeed have BPD (w/NPD traits). Who changes their "Facebook" picture 2-3 times a week?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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HostNoMore
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« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2013, 05:11:50 PM »

Even when I was fresh out of that hell, I did not wish her any harm.  I remember telling her that I did not hate her and got the mother of all rages for it.

Actually, I really do not care what happens to her.  I've had total NC bliss for a whole year now.  She could be flat run over by a semi-truck or win the lottery and never have to work again.  I really do not care either way and good riddance as far as I am concerned.  

The only ones that I care enough to wish well are myself, my family, my friends, and those who are worthy.  The ex-borderline is in the total detachment neutral zone as far as I am concerned.  I only wish that I never see or hear from her again though I would prefer that nothing bad ever happen to her as being a BPD is its own 24/7/365 internal punishment for what they do to others.

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sad but wiser
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« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2013, 03:39:32 AM »

RR - there is no magic formula.  She might do better with someone else, though.  Someone who won't take her guilt trips and who won't be protective of her.  Then she might do some growing up - maybe.  That still isn't your fault.  A healthy woman would appreciate a man who takes responsibility for his family, just as a healthy man appreciates a woman who does her part in the family.  The word here is partnership.
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expos
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« Reply #24 on: March 24, 2013, 04:24:44 AM »

I go back and forth between indifference and wishing her a lot of pain.  I wish I could get over her.

I am very curious as to what will what will happen to my ex-wife in the next couple of years.  I heard that BPD's get worse with age.  Being that my ex-wife will be 31 this year and desperately wants kids and to be married again (this is her form of validation), I'm wondering who she'll end up with.   I cannot see her waiting very long for Mr. Right, and taking whatever guy seems nice enough to put up with her crap and give her a kid.  Then the idealization ends, her marriage stinks, she hates the amount of work it takes to be a parent... .  you know where this is going.

Let it be known that if she would ever return to me (admittedly, I fantasize and dread this happening... .  I still think about her everyday... .  which is why I'm posting here) I think I'd really be proactive in getting her the right treatment this time around.  I think her therapists are doing a lousy job, and knowing so much about more about BPD makes me almost the more qualified individual to tackle her problems. 

Does anyone else feel this way? I know a lot of us see ourselves as fixers... .  


   
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« Reply #25 on: March 24, 2013, 04:49:46 AM »

I can not fix my ex and I dont want to fight windmills anymore.  I did the research, I learned the tools.  I can speak his language.  I just dont want to.

I must cater to all his needs while my needs are met with venom.  Its not a healthy relationship.  I have no kids by this man, and the fact that I did not run after the first 100 recycles says alot about my issues.

Do I wish him well?  Certainly!  I know he did what he did because he was sick, so in that sense I do wish him sincere wellness.  I must bare responsibility for my part in the illusion / delusion.  To blame him for my allowing him to delude my thinking is an illogical statement.

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« Reply #26 on: March 24, 2013, 07:08:14 AM »

I wish she'd be reborn as a tree, or plant, or something harmless, that is nice to look at, and useful.

If mine came back as a plant, it would be poison oak or a Venus fly trap.

But really, I do wish her well.  Specifically, I wish that beautiful girl with the huge heart well, and the only way that will happen is if she gets a lot of help with all of the crap that's on top of it.  It's not her fault her emotions are raw, but it is her responsibility to do something about it.  Or not.  The prognosis is good if she does the work, but I definitely won't be around to see any progress.
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« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2013, 08:10:57 AM »

I heard today from her mom that she was doing quite a bit better and I felt a bit stung by it. I realized that for me the reason is largely that it is much easier for me to accept my decision to get out if she continues to do badly. I can feel that things would not have gotten better and that I really did the best anyone could do.

rogerroger, this conflict is probably quite common.  My exH is with someone else and seems to be very content, is nicer to me, our children are happy he's happy etc.  All this is a good thing, however, I do know that part of me wants the new relationship to fail so I can reassure myself that nothing I could have done would have made a difference.

sometimes I think they are more comfortable in relationships where they aren't being told they are loved; aren't having all needs met.  Our marriage seemed less rollercoaster when I was someone who didn't express feelings very often.  After the first big tidal wave hit, I sought out therapy and became someone much more able to share intimacy.  I think it made things worse - he would like it for a bit then look as if he was panicking every time I said I loved him.

Overall, I'm hoping he is doing well because (a) that's good for the kids (b) I still care enough that I want him not to be in pain (c) his being better is keeping him away from me and giving me a chance to heal

I think we need to wish ourselves well for a change!
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NonBPDSpouse

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« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2013, 08:40:22 AM »

Roger, 

You should understand that even if she does get a little better, it is because you left her, which is the act that forced her to face her demons in the first place.

without you leaving, it wauld still be the same for you.

If she does better with someone else, it could be for several reasons all related to you allowing the relationship to end.

1. The relationship is new ( just like yours was in the beginning)

2. she is trying harder because now she knows that people have boundaries (because you left)

3. The new guy is a total pin cushion and enjoys being manipulated

Either way, you should always understand that you made a thoughtful decision to get out and it was the only way to end the BS. 

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« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2013, 09:38:15 AM »

Let it be known that if she would ever return to me (admittedly, I fantasize and dread this happening... .  I still think about her everyday... .  which is why I'm posting here) I think I'd really be proactive in getting her the right treatment this time around.  I think her therapists are doing a lousy job, and knowing so much about more about BPD makes me almost the more qualified individual to tackle her problems. 

Does anyone else feel this way? I know a lot of us see ourselves as fixers... .  

I'm not so sure about your headspace here.  I can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.  Really, I can't fix anyone but myself.  Trying to fix others, and I have tried, has only lead to resentment of me.  Justifiably on their part as the act of trying to fix them suggests I think I am better/superior/arrogant.  Her therapists may be doing a lousy job.  The other side of that coin is BPD is traditionally one of the most difficult to diagnose and treat disorders.  The assumption is that in order to fix a maladaptive behavior the person must acknowledge their part in it and take responsibility.  BPDs don't like doing that and they dislike it to such a degree that they create elaborate webs of lies and false realities to protect themselves from it.  We the SO of the BPD have context, history and interactions with family and friends to give perspective and help sort out the truth.  The therapist usually only has the word of the client.

I spent a lot of time in a previous relationship trying to fix and/or trying to force my SO into getting fixed.  It never got us anywhere except distance from each other.  I didn't do it with my latest r/s with a dBPDgf.  She told me what she had.  I, eventually, did my research.  I asked her what she was going to do about it.  She said her T said therapy was optional and so her plan was just to rely on the pills and just bury her head in the sand.  I made my decisions from there. 

Perhaps it seems harsh but, anymore, my mentality is if you're not going to take care of yourself (even put in the most marginal of effort) why should I?  It's not their fault they are the way they are.  But It's not my fault either.
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« Reply #30 on: March 24, 2013, 11:37:35 AM »

Hi all.

I know this sounds mean but I wish exBPDgf bad, until she hits rock bottom she will never seek help. When things are going remotely good for her she is in complete denial on the subject. So, short-term I hope she hits bottom but in the long-run I wish her well.
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« Reply #31 on: March 24, 2013, 11:48:37 AM »

Hi all.

I know this sounds mean but I wish exBPDgf bad, until she hits rock bottom she will never seek help. When things are going remotely good for her she is in complete denial on the subject. So, short-term I hope she hits bottom but in the long-run I wish her well.

I can completely relate to that stement.  I want my exBPDbf to hit rock bottom and have a life changing moment that will force him to seek help in the form of therapy.  I wish that his eyes would open wide so that he can see the pain that he has inflicted on so many women.  I honestly do not belive that he is capable of that but I wish... .  
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« Reply #32 on: March 24, 2013, 11:56:01 AM »

Roger, 

You should understand that even if she does get a little better, it is because you left her, which is the act that forced her to face her demons in the first place.

without you leaving, it wauld still be the same for you.

If she does better with someone else, it could be for several reasons all related to you allowing the relationship to end.

1. The relationship is new ( just like yours was in the beginning)

2. she is trying harder because now she knows that people have boundaries (because you left)

3. The new guy is a total pin cushion and enjoys being manipulated

Either way, you should always understand that you made a thoughtful decision to get out and it was the only way to end the BS. 

This x1000.  I am relating to this.  It's too bad that we are then painted black and never get the credit for indirectly fixing their lives.  But, it's really only a matter of time before the devaulation begins for the next person.  Reading through these forums, I have not seen a single success story of a BPD being a functional or positive contributor to a relationship. 
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« Reply #33 on: March 24, 2013, 11:57:19 AM »

A lot of good thoughts and posts here. I would thank quite a few of you by name, but I'm sure I would forget one or two of you.

Two thoughts:

1. I really admire those who are totally detached and don't care anymore.

2. I am troubled that my ex is now at least reading about BPD and trying to fix herself. I mean I am glad that she is doing that, but I feel she is doing it because she knows how much her thought process destroyed our relationship. It is like she is doing it in hindsight, instead of when I asked her to do it 18 months ago. I feel like she is working on herself so she will do better in her next relationship. So my question to myself is, why didn't she work on herself, as I did, for OUR relationship?

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« Reply #34 on: March 24, 2013, 12:00:39 PM »

Roger,  

You should understand that even if she does get a little better, it is because you left her, which is the act that forced her to face her demons in the first place.

without you leaving, it wauld still be the same for you.

If she does better with someone else, it could be for several reasons all related to you allowing the relationship to end.

1. The relationship is new ( just like yours was in the beginning)

2. she is trying harder because now she knows that people have boundaries (because you left)

3. The new guy is a total pin cushion and enjoys being manipulated

Either way, you should always understand that you made a thoughtful decision to get out and it was the only way to end the BS.  

This x1000.  I am relating to this.  It's too bad that we are then painted black and never get the credit for indirectly fixing their lives.  But, it's really only a matter of time before the devaulation begins for the next person.  Reading through these forums, I have not seen a single success story of a BPD being a functional or positive contributor to a relationship.  

They contribute positively only for a short period of time.
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« Reply #35 on: March 24, 2013, 01:21:49 PM »

Hi all.

I know this sounds mean but I wish exBPDgf bad, until she hits rock bottom she will never seek help. When things are going remotely good for her she is in complete denial on the subject. So, short-term I hope she hits bottom but in the long-run I wish her well.

I can completely relate to that stement.  I want my exBPDbf to hit rock bottom and have a life changing moment that will force him to seek help in the form of therapy.  I wish that his eyes would open wide so that he can see the pain that he has inflicted on so many women.  I honestly do not belive that he is capable of that but I wish... .  

I too wish that but truth is, many of them when they do, go by the of how Mindy Mcreedy did. How many of us nons even could live with ourselves if we became consciously aware of the damage done to others emotionally as they do? I could not and dont think one with BPD will ever allow themselves to truly see objectively what hurt they heap on others so the likelyhood of them ever seeing it is pretty slim
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« Reply #36 on: March 24, 2013, 01:32:01 PM »

I often have violent thoughts when I imagine seeing her again.  So, I reckon I'm pretty bitter and not very detached.
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« Reply #37 on: March 24, 2013, 02:54:58 PM »

2. I am troubled that my ex is now at least reading about BPD and trying to fix herself. I mean I am glad that she is doing that, but I feel she is doing it because she knows how much her thought process destroyed our relationship. It is like she is doing it in hindsight, instead of when I asked her to do it 18 months ago. I feel like she is working on herself so she will do better in her next relationship. So my question to myself is, why didn't she work on herself, as I did, for OUR relationship?

As a general rule people will not change maladaptive behaviors until they experience enough loss at the hands of it.  Gamblers, addicts, the disordered.  The loss usually has to be of a monumental scale as well occurring in a singular moment.  Addicts generally call this their moment of clarity and, more often than not, it was usually a moment where they thought their life was in immediate danger.  Short of that the hitting of "rock bottom" comes after considerable time and accrued losses whereby they have no alternative as they look back over the years but to see the pattern of behavior and the destruction it has left. 

Perhaps an oversimplification but why didn't she work on herself while/for your relationship?  Cause she still had it.  So long as you're in it you are enabling her to continue doing what she's doing. 
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« Reply #38 on: March 24, 2013, 03:03:48 PM »

My exH (upwBPD) just told our kids he's getting married in a couple of months (6 months after starting relationship and 7 months after leaving me for the umpteenth time).

He knows from an earlier message that I am struggling to forgive his lack of respect when he left but I did text him to say he didn't need to tell me about his news because the kids had and that I did hope that he was now happy because then the rest of us could have healthier lives.

Actually, at the time I was sincere but reading what I've just typed, I think it was a bit passive-agressive!  Implying that I am better off without him (though that is a fact).

Yes, part of me wants it to crash because of the need to know that he can't just become whole and healthy overnight after years of rollercoaster with me but overall I don't want him to be in pain and I don't want to be in pain either.  I need to concentrate on why I enabled for so long to my own detriment.
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« Reply #39 on: March 24, 2013, 03:06:27 PM »

You should understand that even if she does get a little better, it is because you left her, which is the act that forced her to face her demons in the first place.

without you leaving, it wauld still be the same for you.

If she does better with someone else, it could be for several reasons all related to you allowing the relationship to end.

1. The relationship is new ( just like yours was in the beginning)

2. she is trying harder because now she knows that people have boundaries (because you left)

3. The new guy is a total pin cushion and enjoys being manipulated

Either way, you should always understand that you made a thoughtful decision to get out and it was the only way to end the BS. 

Thanks for this. I agree completely, intellectually. I think #1 is the biggest factor, just now. I saw all of her previous friendships go through the same honeymoon phase that I did. At first, she mirrors your values so you think she is the best friend, most dedicated worker, and most ethically sensitive person you have ever met. But eventually she invests less time and less energy and begins to make excuses ("I was sick, my car broke down, I had a death in the family, I was diagnosed with cancer,... . ". At first you bend over backwards to help her through her hardships, but at some point you start to suspect that there is no wolf. You say "no" to her and suddenly find yourself painted black. She cuts herself loose from you and finds another best friend, perfect job, or soul mate. For her family (and formerly me, as well), she really can't cut them loose, so she "gives them another chance" and everyone thinks things are "back to normal". Lather, rinse, repeat.
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« Reply #40 on: March 24, 2013, 06:41:10 PM »

I battle with this thought alot. The more I see her for her issues, I just wished that she was 'normal' for my kids' sake. She did so much screwed up things to herself, me and our family; it is hard to wish her anything good or bad. I think I am to the point that I don't care either way what happens to her.
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« Reply #41 on: March 24, 2013, 06:49:11 PM »

Me too. She isn't my problem anymore, and I haven't bumped into her for a year. I hope I never bump into her again, or see her, or know anything about her. She consumed my life for years, but I'm over it, finally, and I don't care anymore. Sure, I don't wish her any bad things, just as I don't wish anyone bad things. But I don't waste my time wishing her well or thinking about her much anymore. It feels so good to be free.

I don't want to sound cynical but if you're still reading these forums perhaps you're not as over it as you portray?
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« Reply #42 on: March 24, 2013, 06:52:15 PM »

I wish her well in that I want her to seek counseling and resolve her childhood issues.  She's wasting her life away and it makes me sad.  She needs to stop burdening herself with her family that depends on her for financial assistance.  I truly feel sorry for this individual more than anyone I've ever met and she's is one of the few I've been close to who could and did have hurt me emotionally--something I've needed for a long time because I don't believe you can love fully until you've had your heart broken.
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« Reply #43 on: March 24, 2013, 06:52:59 PM »

I do, even though I'm very, very angry with how she chose to end the r/s. No counseling. Just brushed me out of her and her child and her family's life on a dime. Many of our experiences here are similar. Mine ended right after an upswing, a very peaceful and happy time peaking at the wedding shower. I see her more clearly now as a very, very insecure person who experiences life in a very different way than most of us do. Until she's able to recognize her unhealthy coping methods and take responsibility for them, then she'll keep repeating the pattern. I do wish her well, and hope one day she finds peace and may see me in a more positive light. I know the problem isn't me, except for me "taking a chance" on someone with a very poor relationship history.
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« Reply #44 on: March 24, 2013, 07:49:06 PM »

Honestly?

No. I don't. Does this make me bitter? Probably. One day I won't care. But if you want honesty, I hope the next few relationships she has crash and burn. And I hope she can start to see that her behavior is abusive and dysfunctional and that she gets some help. I am so tired of hearing that all the relationship problems were my fault. That her blow-ups and temper tantrums and name calling and rages were all because of me. That the relationship falling apart was 100% my fault. I am sick of the blaming.

I guess I am still angry. Super angry.
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« Reply #45 on: March 24, 2013, 08:11:19 PM »

Honestly?

No. I don't. Does this make me bitter? Probably. One day I won't care. But if you want honesty, I hope the next few relationships she has crash and burn. And I hope she can start to see that her behavior is abusive and dysfunctional and that she gets some help. I am so tired of hearing that all the relationship problems were my fault. That her blow-ups and temper tantrums and name calling and rages were all because of me. That the relationship falling apart was 100% my fault. I am sick of the blaming.

I guess I am still angry. Super angry.

I guess that I am still very angry as well.  I was told that if I could be trusted that he wouldn't have to rage at me and call me names.  Funny thing is I am completely trust worthy... . I think the real issue was that he didn't trust himself.

It is sad, real sad becuase we both lose... . I htought that he was the one... . my "last first date" :'(
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« Reply #46 on: March 24, 2013, 08:15:28 PM »

I do want her to be happy because she has always struggled with depression, among countless of other issues. Although her choice to discard my help which see so desperately wanted for in favor of this new relationship which isn't going to go anywhere leaves me feeling disappointed because she made me believe she wanted to get better not only for herself, but for our relationship as well.
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« Reply #47 on: March 24, 2013, 08:51:30 PM »

Do I wish my pwBPD well? Yes and no. Mine is a married minister who returned to full time pastoring after wreaking havoc in my life for the second of the two years we worked together. He continued causing emotional disruption to me until I finally deleted him from FB 4 weeks ago. Not one time has he apologized to me, or even acknowledged responsibility for what he did to me. I was expected to be there when he needed me, and move aside when he needed me to do that, because he had all of this very important ministry work to do.

Quite honestly, and I know this is petty of me, I am happy to learn he is miserable, that he is failing in his church, that there are factions and infighting among staff and members, that the church growth is stagnant, and that he has alienated dozens of long term friends from the church community since he returned to pastoring. Serves him right to reap what he sowed.

He has one mentor who has tried to be there for him through everything, and this man is one of the few who seems to have the patience and genuine love to help see him through all of this. His adult son, who returned from military service in the Mideast, has been done with him for months now. His wife hangs in, I guess because she is supposed to. My pwBPD really needs a major breakthrough to be able to practice what he preaches, to be genuine and authentic. As of now, it looks like he has been exposed to quite a few people as a fake and a fraud, and the friends he has left are from a former church out of state. If he is going to remain a pastor, he needs serious therapeutic help. My hope is that he hits rock bottom and is then open to receiving that help.
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« Reply #48 on: March 24, 2013, 09:28:23 PM »

Do I wish my ex well?

Yes I do!

We both brought our own level of dysfunction to the relationship. He is not 100% responsible. I don't blame him, I take responsibility for my part.

All that we judge in another person is our own self-judgment projected outwards onto them.

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« Reply #49 on: March 25, 2013, 10:31:54 AM »

Yes, I truly do wish her well.
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« Reply #50 on: March 25, 2013, 10:47:45 AM »

I don’t necessarily want her to fail, just to realise one day that she lost the best partner she is ever going to have – will she? I very much doubt it
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« Reply #51 on: March 25, 2013, 12:34:05 PM »

rjh - The anger and pain passes.  Just being able to tell someone how angry you are is a relief.  Remember, ":)on't get mad at a cat for being a cat." (But don't let it scratch you, either.)

Paperlung - Very, very good.  Look how far you have come in such a short time. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2013, 06:54:06 PM »

We both brought our own level of dysfunction to the relationship. He is not 100% responsible. I don't blame him, I take responsibility for my part.

All that we judge in another person is our own self-judgment projected outwards onto them.

I agree that I definitely had my part and made my mistakes in the relationship, and realizing them and owning them has helped me grow.

I disagree that what we judge in another person is our own self-judgement though, although it depends how you define judge.  Identifying traits, and her's were very different from mine, is not judging, judging is the second step.  I do wish her well, although it won't be because she met someone who fits better, there is no fitting with that, it would be because she had an epiphany because she was in pain, and goes and gets some help.  I hope that happens.
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« Reply #53 on: March 25, 2013, 07:46:11 PM »

fromheeltoheal, you are welcome to disagree. And I am not pointing the finger at anyone in particular.

Would you agree you feel validated when you read posts that resonate with your own history with your BPD ex? I have seen it hundreds of times on the board.

Our Borderline partners blamed us to offload their painful feelings of inadequacy – this is projection. True!

If you read much of the posts and threads on the Leaving Board, they concentrate on the Borderline and what they did or didn’t do and how pained we are because of it – is this not the same thing? Is this not splitting our partners into all bad, is it not reminiscent of black and white thinking?

Projection is defined as “a defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own negative attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world instead”. Venting without seeing our role is in fact projecting our own feelings of inadequacy, self-shame and blame onto the Borderline!

It helps us feel good for a while! We start feeling woeful again and ruminate about our ex's - we come back to the Leaving Board to post about it.

I’m not suggesting we are BPD, I’m suggesting we can have our own form of twisted thinking.

AUTHOR: Dr. Burns graduated magna cum laude from Amherst College, received his M.D. from Stanford University School of Medicine and completed his psychiatry residency at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. He has served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian / University of Pennsylvania Medical Center (1988) and Visiting Scholar at the Harvard Medical School (1998) and  is certified by the National Board of Psychiatry and Neurology

ARTICLE: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

By Dr. David Burns

Companion article with bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0

From The Feeling Good Handbook (Plume Publishers, 1999)

How we often mislead ourselves... .

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.



4. Discounting the positive
- You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

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« Reply #54 on: March 25, 2013, 08:23:07 PM »

Wishing someone well who has harmed us is the last phase of grieving and is accompanied by detachment and peace.  Perhaps you are not at this stage yet... . but your anger is serving a purpose... . so be true to who you are and what you're feeling right now.  Everything you feel matters and is important.

I also think wishing someone well is about us and what we need to do to move forward.  Most of us have not put our needs first in a long time and doing so is a real breakthrough.  Forgiveness isn't far behind.  To me, forgiveness is saying I'm not going to keep the pain in my heart any longer.  

I wish my expwBPD well.  By doing so, what I'm really doing, is setting myself free.  

tailspin
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« Reply #55 on: March 25, 2013, 08:28:47 PM »

Tailspin, you have worded things so very well, especially for those of us still trying to navigate through the grief process. As for what Clearmind states above regarding venting, I can't speak for anyone but myself, I have to say my posts often depend on the topic posed. This topic, which begins with the caveat "be honest," elicited quite a different response from me than other topics have. I wonder if this might not be true for others who posted here as well.
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #56 on: March 25, 2013, 09:13:22 PM »

Thank you clearmind, that helped.  Somehow I knew she was blaming and abusing me because she was feeling inadequate, but was so enmeshed in it at the time that I just got defensive.  And attempts at having a real, open conversation about what was going on with her were always fruitless, so it just went on and on.

But you're right, it does feel good to paint the BPD as all evil here, validating, and even more so when others chime in with similar experiences.  I've found it helpful to remember that it takes two to tango, water seeks it's own level, and I was in it too.  And also extremely helpful to learn that I was with a disordered individual, which has helped me separate my part and own it, and I was far from perfect, but of course if you asked her, it was all me.  Liberating.
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Maryiscontrary
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« Reply #57 on: March 26, 2013, 09:57:00 AM »

Oh god, I wish he could get well, because he had so much to offer. And we worked so well together and were great friends. The loss is incalculable.

Instead, I think he will suffer an early death.
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clairedair
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« Reply #58 on: March 26, 2013, 02:37:45 PM »

Chiming in on the blaming/projection/twisted thinking stuff... .

I'm actually quite pleased that I am almost exclusively on the Leaving Board and being harsher than usual as, following the end of previous recycles, I have tended to avoid 'Leaving' because I found it difficult to read some of the posts.  Mostly I would read the lessons on Staying in the hope that I'd find a way to communicate with him or read posts in Undecided because I felt Leaving was a stage of detachment beyond me.

This time, I have been angrier for longer and a lot less willing to forgive.  I know this will pass eventually but I hope not too soon because I really need to work through this stage properly this time.  I think I've cut it short before, started feeling a lot of compassion and taking a lot on myself thus making me vulnerable when he wanted to reconcile.

I sometimes hesitate before posting because I feel that in a few months, I'll look at my posts and be horrified that I was so nasty.  I know that some of what I write about ex may not be how I really feel deep down or how I will feel in the longer term but for now, I really need to acknowledge how abusive his behaviour has been (I actually deleted the word 'abusive' there and have had to go back and type it again!).

At some point, I hope to leave this board and be able to move to reading 'Personal Inventory' type posts.  I do wish ex well overall - we have children together - but at the moment one of the reasons I'm angry that he is moving on at rapid pace leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.
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Discarded26
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« Reply #59 on: March 26, 2013, 02:44:25 PM »

Nope

Hope there's karma  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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jaird
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« Reply #60 on: March 26, 2013, 07:01:06 PM »

Nope

Hope there's karma  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)  me too!  At least half of me does.
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Eightyfour

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« Reply #61 on: March 27, 2013, 07:47:23 AM »

Wishing a psychopath well? No.

I wish myself well, have compassion for myself and forgive myself for letting this slithering snake suck so much precious light out of my soul too long.
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dkman

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« Reply #62 on: March 27, 2013, 09:57:47 AM »

The part of me that in somwhat wishes she would take therapy - Look at her own problems and reactions - And change, and eventually get back together - wishes her the best !

But a part of me, hates her, and wishes that she may feel the same thing i felt. Feel as powerless, and in the end loose yourself that i did. All that because i was committed, and respected her as a person into the bone.

I wish her kids the best. fortunately, she is a good and caring mother.
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AJwhatThe

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« Reply #63 on: March 27, 2013, 05:32:04 PM »

My BDO is so whacked she called the police on the police when they went to her house to arrange a time when I can get m belongings. She has one last opportunity to comply. If she doesn't she will be charged with "possesion of stolen property over $5000"

I wish her well(away from from me), but a big part wants her to not comply and face crimminal charges. Even when having to face a judge she will blame others. This might be what is needed for her to admit she has a problem
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Mightyhammers
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« Reply #64 on: March 27, 2013, 05:35:26 PM »

Wishing a psychopath well? No.

I wish myself well, have compassion for myself and forgive myself for letting this slithering snake suck so much precious light out of my soul too long.

hahahahaha that really made me laugh
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nylonsquid
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« Reply #65 on: March 27, 2013, 05:48:54 PM »

Yes and no. This relates directly to the disorder in which we are confused in how to come in terms with; The dichotomy of character that they exhibit from a loving idealizing person to a tormented & misunderstood victim. I presume we wish people what they deserve and our anger/frustration combined with our stroked egos from idealized memories, created from the internally split personwBPD, makes a confused judgement that mirrors back the disorder.

I think it's healthy to be genuine with how you feel and I sometimes wish her well and other times I don't. I just don't take her seriously any more. She's not an adult.

I might even say I wish her neither.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #66 on: March 27, 2013, 06:21:50 PM »

Lets keep this discussion balanced - just a reminder that Borderlines are not psychopath's. Very distinctly different things.

To have compassion for yourself we also need to have the understanding or empathy for the suffering of others.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #67 on: March 27, 2013, 08:30:46 PM »

Although I want absolutely nothing to do with her, I do love her, and yes, I wish her the best.  Not only for her, but for all of the victims to follow; who knows what carnage she will leave if she doesn't get some help.  May she get well, for all of us. 
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MakeItHappen
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« Reply #68 on: March 27, 2013, 09:07:31 PM »

I don't quite wish her that well but, I also don't wish her harm.

Karma would be good... .

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Iced
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« Reply #69 on: March 27, 2013, 11:46:22 PM »

I do.

I sincerely loved this person as someone dear to me and NOBODY deserves to struggle through what is basically a chronic disorder with not-my-fault origins (because, really? who in the world wants to sign up and volunteer themselves to develop something like BPD?).

Likening BPD to a chronic illness or a genetic disorder - some kind of health-related disorder whose basis/origins are out of one's control:

Would you wish someone who was formerly close to you who was severely struggling with health problems (so much that it interfered daily with your relationship that the relationship was called quits because it was just too much for everyone to deal with and manage positively) of a non-psych nature well or would you wish for them to fail at moving in a positive direction in their lives?

Managing an emotions-based disorder is, in some ways, not much different than managing some other physical-body or internal-body disorder and counseling is recommended for helping a person to manage either sort of disorder because it IS difficult to manage.

Biggest difference is, where someone with some other chronic illness may recognize that they need help and will perhaps be more likely to be proactive at getting help, the persons with BPD (or any other psychiatric disorder) may not be self-aware enough to.

TLDR; I wish my former close friend(s) all the best.  Yes, there was a lot of hurt involved, but sincerely from the bottom of my heart, I don't believe they - or anyone - deserves to continue suffering.
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WT
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« Reply #70 on: March 28, 2013, 03:10:37 AM »

I waver between feeling indifferent and wishing that karma would kick in.  I don't wish her specific harm or anything, but I feel like she'll otherwise never fully realize how destructive her behavior is and exactly how much she hurt me in the end.
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Surnia
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Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
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« Reply #71 on: March 28, 2013, 03:26:53 AM »



Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.
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