Has anyone NOT ever heard from their ex again?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Take a look at this leaving board. All it is is topics regarding trying to stay NC, she's reaching out, random texts, random phone calls, e-mails, recycle attempts etc etc etc. Is there anybody out there that has not heard from their ex again?

If I sound a little frustrated - I am. I gotta be honest when I say I'm getting a little sick and tired that every time I log on here there's another post of someone having a hard time remaining NC, or their ex remaining NC. Having a hard time? Try having no choice at all! Maybe I need to move on from this site as clearly it's not making things any better for me.

So if there is anyone out there who has been dumped, cut out of their ex's life and never heard from them again... . EVER, not one single peep, NOTHING-AT-ALL... . please chime in as I would love someone to relate to.

[Dave44]

Take a look at this leaving board. All it is is topics regarding trying to stay NC, she's reaching out, random texts, random phone calls, e-mails, recycle attempts etc etc etc. Is there anybody out there that has not heard from their ex again?

If I sound a little frustrated - I am. I gotta be honest when I say I'm getting a little sick and tired that every time I log on here there's another post of someone having a hard time remaining NC, or their ex remaining NC. Having a hard time? Try having no choice at all! Maybe I need to move on from this site as clearly it's not making things any better for me.

So if there is anyone out there who has been dumped, cut out of their ex's life and never heard from them again... . EVER, not one single peep, NOTHING-AT-ALL... . please chime in as I would love someone to relate to.

[Lunira]

Hmm... .

BPD exfriend #1 - No contact since 2009.

BPD exfriend #2 - No contact since last summer.

BPD mother - I think we spoke briefly on the phone a couple months ago.  We're not NC, it's more LC/VLC.

With the exception of my mother and a coworker who isn't playing with a full deck (I and most of my other coworkers ignore her when we can and shoot for an impersonal professionalism when we can't), the people in my life are mostly healthy people.

Does that help at all?  

[lipstick]

Hi Dave

You are not alone. Trust me. I have had virtually nothing for six months. When the ex dumped me back at the beginning of October, he mailed my keys back to me with a pathetic, crappy, no closure, explanation or true apology, hastily-scribbled note written in pencil. That was supposed to be acceptable. Yeah... . no. I have stopped hoping for contact and am focusing on me. Hang in there. It does get better.

[TheDude]

You may want to quantify the question with a time frame. A few weeks - or even months - of silence doesn't really signify anything. Mine usually goes 6 to 8 months without even a butt dial. Be that as it may, I'll suggest that * if * you find yourself a year or two out, still without a peep... . consider yourself one of the fortunate few. Trust me, the "Groundhog Day" scenario of recycling (or even just the occasional leash tug) will only drag the nightmare on for years.

[Want2know]

I do totally get the feeling of being cut out of someone's life with no seemingly good reason, and no follow up contact.  I had that done once.  It hurts, it's confusing, and you want to think that it had nothing to do with you or what you did.

I'm sure you see that the recycles and the attempts at contact from the other members exes is painful, too.  Either way, breaking up with someone you loved, whether there is contact or no contact, or if they ended it or you ended, is hard.  No doubt about that.  

I can understand it must be frustrating if you do want your ex to contact you, seeing that it happens with others.  I guess I'd have to ask why you want your ex to contact you so badly.  What is it that you think she will say that will make you feel better, or is it that you think that her contacting you will actually mean something?

[Abigail]

I can join you on this one.  My situation may be somewhat different than yours but here's what happened to me.

We were still married at the time but divorce was inevitable, and neither of us were financially in a position to pay attorney fees.  My husband had been unemployed for quite some time, except for a few months.  He had gotten a temporary job out of state and that was fine with me.  After 2 months on the job, he had a heart attack and the company let him go due to the health/liability risk.  He returned home and things were no better.  He had spoken to others about leaving and not telling anyone where he was going.  After a week at home, he did just that.  He left and didn't tell anyone, absolutely no one, where he was going.  He didn't contact our children either (our daughter was 28 at the time and our son 18).   Mail was never forwarded.  Months went by and still no one heard from him, neither friends, family, or colleagues, etc.   There were a few clues as to where he might have gone but only general info.  A credit card bill that arrived not long after he left, showed he had returned to the state where he had last been working and my son had heard him on the phone  talking to a possible girlfriend, before he left.

Oh, he did send one email a few months later asking if I would send him the title to the truck he had taken with him and he would sign over the house to me.  Then he decided he would not sign over the house (it was jointly owned but I couldn't sell or refinance without his signature or a quit claim deed).  He hadn't given me a mailing address or any other information at the time.  More time went by and due to financial hardships, it was in my best interest to file for divorce.  Of course it's hard to serve papers if you don't know where the person is.  I did some searching online and had some help from a private detective.  Eventually, about a year after he had left, we had found an address where we believed he was.  At least we knew that was the address of his girlfriend but couldn't be sure he was still with her.  They were successful in serving him but as suspected, he was totally uncooperative.  At some point , many months later his girlfriend had contacted my son on Facebook, asking him to reach out to his father.  They had some contact by phone or email but I'm not sure how frequently.  

It had been two and a half years since he left, when I received a phone call in February of this year from a county sheriff detective from Texas informing me that my husband (hadn't finalized any divorce since I had no funds to pay my attorney) had died.  There's a little more to the story that I learned from the detective, but that is the brief version of his leaving.  He never did contact any family or friends that I am aware of--no one I had spoken to had heard from him.

Abigail

[struggli]

Dave, you can't really say never.  Some of them wait a decade from what I've read a few times.

I know it feels nice to the ego to get a bread crumb every once in a while, to know you are in her thoughts.  But the reality is, it's not a bridge to a stable relationship that will work the next time around.  It's just a temporary fix for the void that left behind when we are abandoned or have no choice but to leave the relationship.

I hear from mine an average of about every 1.5 months.  But it's never anything special.  I think she just does it to see if I am still "on board."  I usually don't respond.  Only one time she was minimally frantic, insisting I answer and that she was worried about me.  I just said "I'm fine" (a lie) and she just said "OK".  Would an interaction like that make you feel better?  Every time I hear from her, I begin trembling.  It's an odd response for someone you had intense feelings for.  I feel nauseous.  I still love her.  Hell, it's been 9 months since BU and I still think highly of her at times.  I still sometimes think maybe she'll see the light.  The frequency of those feelings will fade in time as it has for me.

As harsh as "never" hearing from your ex again feels, it may be better in some ways.  Bread crumbs to keep you hanging on are not what you need to heal.

[afterdeath]

Not a single peep from her since I exposed her in November, really she hasn't talked to me since August

November was just me blowing up via text after finding out she replaced me before she kicked me out and her threatening to call the cops if I didn't stop texting, that's where it ended.

[MakeItHappen]

It's been about 6-7 weeks and haven't heard a thing. It's bittersweet.

My exBPD has a new love and I have a feeling it was happening before we we're even over but, I will never know. It was all lies anyway so, who knows... .

I'd love for my exBPD (w/NPD traits) to reach out in one way or another for one reason, for me to ignore her.

I hear what you're saying and understand how you feel. This board truly is a blessing!

Keep your chin up.

[ScotisGone74]

I know it may make us feel better knowing they want to contact us, the reality is do you want an ego boost or to get healthy?  The likely only reason they would contact us any way is because their supply is running low or they want to see how much more crap they can unload on us... . no thanks.   

5 months of NC here, not a peep, still have everything blocked from her, she can send a message in a bottle if she wants. 

[Vegasskydiver]

Take a look at this leaving board. All it is is topics regarding trying to stay NC, she's reaching out, random texts, random phone calls, e-mails, recycle attempts etc etc etc. Is there anybody out there that has not heard from their ex again?

If I sound a little frustrated - I am. I gotta be honest when I say I'm getting a little sick and tired that every time I log on here there's another post of someone having a hard time remaining NC, or their ex remaining NC. Having a hard time? Try having no choice at all! Maybe I need to move on from this site as clearly it's not making things any better for me.









Dave

You don't know how lucky you are.  I get that it hurts.  I have been no contacts for two months now and not a peep.  Last time we broke up my exBPDbf contacted me frequently but most of it was to rage at me.  Then he told me that he wanted me back and I jumped at the chance to have him in my life again (I didn't know that he had BPD at that time).  The intense pain that he has caused me is much worse now as he abrubptly walked out of my life in Jan... . almost a year to the date after he walked out before.  I had found out that he hacked into my computer and phone, confronted him and it triggered an emotional rage, meltdown... . "if I could trust you I wouldn't have to do those things... . ".  Of course it was all my fault that he hacked me... . etc, etc... . I wish to God that I never heard from him last go round because I probably would be  happier right now.  I really do not believe I will ever here from him again and that is perfect by me.  I have blocked him from everything, I NEVER look at his facebook, and I am working on healing me.

[MakeItHappen]

I know it may make us feel better knowing they want to contact us, the reality is do you want an ego boost or to get healthy?  The likely only reason they would contact us any way is because their supply is running low or they want to see how much more crap they can unload on us... . no thanks.   

5 months of NC here, not a peep, still have everything blocked from her, she can send a message in a bottle if she wants. 

I have to agree with you. As much as I want my exBPD (w/NPD traits) to contact me, it's not healthy if she does. A healthy person/relationship would have healthy communication about why things ended and most likely, would not jump into a full blown relationship a week after we split up.

Health over ego is the better route... . Right?

[Lunira]

The likely only reason they would contact us any way is because their supply is running low or they want to see how much more crap they can unload on us... . no thanks.   

This, a million times over.

[ScotisGone74]

Quote from: ScotisGone74 on Today at 03:32:40 PM

I know it may make us feel better knowing they want to contact us, the reality is do you want an ego boost or to get healthy?  The likely only reason they would contact us any way is because their supply is running low or they want to see how much more crap they can unload on us... . no thanks.   

5 months of NC here, not a peep, still have everything blocked from her, she can send a message in a bottle if she wants. 


I have to agree with you. As much as I want my exBPD (w/NPD traits) to contact me, it's not healthy if she does. A healthy person/relationship would have healthy communication about why things ended and most likely, would not jump into a full blown relationship a week after we split up.

Health over ego is the better route... . Right?




In the long run, yes, health is better.  They are not emotionally mature enough to be able end a relationship or be true friends with someone.  while it hurts like hell it is better to move on with our adult lives rather than waste it serving someone who will never be happy with just us, who will always need chaos in their life, or who will always need to manipulate others and be the center of attention.   They stole all the love we gave them, let them have it, move on and enjoy drama free life. 

[MakeItHappen]

In the long run, yes, health is better.  They are not emotionally mature enough to be able end a relationship or be true friends with someone.  while it hurts like hell it is better to move on with our adult lives rather than waste it serving someone who will never be happy with just us, who will always need chaos in their life, or who will always need to manipulate others and be the center of attention.   They stole all the love we gave them, let them have it, move on and enjoy drama free life. 

Wow. I need to read this over and over. Thank you for saying it so well!

Perhaps, the fear for me in never hearing again from my exBPD (w/NPD traits) is, what if  she doesn't have BPD (w/NPD traits)? It is possible I guess but, not sure how. ALL the signs are there. It's textbook. Does that even make sense?

[ScotisGone74]

Yeah, I was so screwed up at the end of the relationship I was stupidly thinking it was all my fault, I picked up my pistol more than once and loaded it, I was hurting soo bad I couldn't take it.  Started doing things that I would never normally do. 

The more I hung on, talked to a counselor, and read I know what the truth was.  She had BPD, she was right in the midst of it.  It was the reason that I felt soo horribly at the end of it all.  I never knew who her real friends that she had from growing up were-because there were none, they all knew the real her.  Any people she talked to were people she just met recently or known less than a year. 

No person has their husband/SO meet at their door On purpose  with the person they are having an affair with standing inside without either knowing about each other -unless the person loves chaos, hurting others, or has BPD or all the above.  No person that truly loves you would do this. 

I think about all this every once in a while when it crosses my mind if I'd want them to contact me. 

[mtmc01]

5 weeks & mine still hasn't contacted me, and I don't think she will for a LONG time, if ever. My situation was weird though, as she decided to go full-on hardcore Christian after not being sure what she believed in during our time together. So now I don't fit in with the new people she's mirroring.

[tailspin]

Dave,

I haven't heard from my ex in over a year and that's partially do to my blocking him from contacting me other than coming over to see me... . and he doesn't have the stones to do that. 

I know it hurts to be cut out of her life like that, but the more narcissistic their personality, the less likely they are to contact you again.  BPD with NPD does not allow for nostalgia, regret, remorse, empathy or anything that doesn't put themselves first.  They cut and run... . this is what they do.

Try to focus less on what she is doing and more on what you need to do to move on. It does take time... . but I promise you will make it to the detachment phase of your healing and in time you will care less about what she is doing or why she is doing it.

tailspin

[bb12]

Hey Dave

Good question. And I hear you loud and clear. I can't really relate to members on here who hear from their exes because mine painted me black and without a fight, started the silent treatment.

But I am 14 months NC now, and the more I examine our situation vs. members who do get phone calls, the more I prefer ours.

For me, the obsession was borne of pride. As a codependent person, I am fairly sorted or even over-functioning, in most areas of my life. So being discarded cuts deep. We are used to fixing and rescuing and reading people so well, that their needs are placed above ours. So for someone who needed us so badly to flip to situation and abandon us, makes no sense. So we get stuck in understanding.

With T and this site though, I have realised that every single feeling I have in relation to my xBPD is really a feeling I have about myself. When I pine for him, and closure, or contact... . I am really pining for my own inner child. The damage done to us as kids is quite often hard to tap into in a meaningful way. Neglect or invalidation are passive in nature, so harder to draw upon or accurately recall other other forms of abuse. But they still did some damage. And I have decided that the only reason these NPD/BPD break-ups hurt so much is because they tap into those awful feelings we have blocked since we were very young. For me, I am very good at reading people... . I had to become good at it to ensure my parents were in an ok mood or so I could do something pre-emptive to avoid some pain. So we think we are in control of our BPD partner, but we're not. Nothing we did was ever going to be enough. We can not predict the actions or moods of a disordered person. So I know that now on a real level and it helps depersonalise and let go.

So sure, the silence kills me. I still think abou it every day. But 14 months out, I also feel myself coming back and I feel happier more than pre-occupied.

And I am not sure sporadic contact from them as they break NC would have got me to this place as quickly.

I only learned of BPD /NPD because of the illogical and cruel ending. Imagine knowing someone has this illness and they are being very demanding of your time or still messing with your head

When I compare our situation to most members on these boards, I think I would choose ours.

Bb12

[Dave44]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I guess it maybe is a bit of an ego thing. I don't want her back, after realizing the incredible amount of lies she told me - I just couldn't. But it would be nice to hear from her... . even if it was to cut me down! At least I would know she was thinking of me in SOME way.

I noticed a lot of you had to block your BPD ex on FB, phone or e-mail. Must be nice. I didn't have to do any of that as she did it all first! Lol once again, I guess it's an ego thing but man does it ever hurt to be tossed out like the trash to never even be THOUGHT about again. In some way I guess contact from her (in any form) would validate the "intense" love she had for me. It just makes you feel SO worthless to be discarded like she has done to me. 

[Vegasskydiver]

I noticed a lot of you had to block your BPD ex on FB, phone or e-mail. Must be nice. I didn't have to do any of that as she did it all first! Lol once again, I guess it's an ego thing but man does it ever hurt to be tossed out like the trash to never even be THOUGHT about again. In some way I guess contact from her (in any form) would validate the "intense" love she had for me. It just makes you feel SO worthless to be discarded like she has done to me.  [/quote]
Yes, it does hurt, but please remember pwBPD do not process thoughts and feelings like non's do.  They have the ability to block things out and they only see THEIR reality.  I don't think that it means that they never loved us, I truely believe that in their reality they did, but their thoughts change so rapidly.  Their emotional development is like that of a child.  They are not capable of normal, healthy adult love where there is a give and take relationship.  It is ALL about them and what makes them feel good.  Also note that closeness makes them run.  What they crave the most, makes them most uneasy or even terrified.  MY exBPDbf would sit on his kitchen floor and cry like a lost child because he was sure that I was going to leave him.  I would tell him over and over again that, that was the furthest thing from my mind... . but he insisted that it was his "gut" feeling and his "gut" was never wrong.  Well guess what, his gut was wrong... . but in the end it was fear itself that sent him packing... . the "I'll leave you first, before you can leave me"... . It makes me so very sad everytime i think about what we could have had, had been able to have a "normal" r/s with me.

So yes, it sucks and it hurts in the most gut wrenching way, but it will never be a healthy situation.  Maybe you still have the fantasy that she will change but unless she undergoes YEARS of therapy, there isn't a chance.  This is a blessing in disguise for you, I promise

[SarahinMA]

Mine never reached out- it's been over a year since he devalued and discarded me.  I still see him out every now and again... . we've even had conversations, but I was always the one to initiate contact.  He's never once asked how I was and there have been numerous times when he just pretended he didn't know me.  At one time, it hurt tremendously, but now I realize that my ex is just as avoidant and dependent as he is anything else.  He lives in a bubble of denial- he is so conflict avoidant that he will do whatever mental games he can to pretend we never happened to protect his own fragile ego.  He can't handle the shame of hurting someone who loved him. 

I now know that he will NEVER reach out.  He's way too scared of rejection and way too much of a coward. 

[MakeItHappen]

We are used to fixing and rescuing and reading people so well, that their needs are placed above ours. So for someone who needed us so badly to flip to situation and abandon us, makes no sense. So we get stuck in understanding.

With T and this site though, I have realised that every single feeling I have in relation to my xBPD is really a feeling I have about myself. When I pine for him, and closure, or contact... . I am really pining for my own inner child. The damage done to us as kids is quite often hard to tap into in a meaningful way. Neglect or invalidation are passive in nature, so harder to draw upon or accurately recall other other forms of abuse. But they still did some damage. And I have decided that the only reason these NPD/BPD break-ups hurt so much is because they tap into those awful feelings we have blocked since we were very young. For me, I am very good at reading people... .

Very well said and makes all the sense in the world. Thank you for posting!

[BlushAndBashful]

I can relate. And I haven't heard from my ex... . yet. It's been 18 months. I felt very much out of place reading about the people who chose to go NC when that's the last thing I wanted (back then). I kept hoping for him to come back.

We recycled a ton of times over 7 years. We were married very briefly. Divorced, recycled a few more times. Last time I really saw him was a year and a half ago- we took a beautiful Caribbean vacation. He said he wanted to work on rebuilding our r/s. He was committed. We got back from the airport, he dropped me off at my house. Then he vanished. Two weeks later when I hunted him down, he said he could only be friends because he needed to work on himself and he knew he had issues. That was 18 months ago. Nothing.

I bumped into him about 6 months ago and ripped him another one. He invited me out to dinner and said he would be open to working on friendship. I told him to go eff himself.

I haven't done anything to block him (email, phone) because there is just no need. We live a few blocks from each other, work for the same company, and he has made no effort- in fact, he goes out of his way to avoid me and goes to work half an hour early so he doesn't need to possibly see me on the drive to work.  I realize "never say never"... . but I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.