I admit to doing wrong things. But the only bad feelings I have is only to myself and not to her. I want to be a better person than what I was being when with her. I went through her phone one time to see her texts and photos. This was after she was starting to paint me black and I can see the devaluation process happening. One night I showed up wanting to love her and be affectionate but she ended up wanting to argue for hours questioning my loyalty and accusing me of going out having sex with women (for ZERO reason). It got to the point that I got suspicious that this is projecting so when she went to sleep I looked through her phone. Yes, gross to do such a thing. I could say she made me do it but why was I in a relationship that made me a person I didn't like or recognize? Good riddance. Really, what a garbage type person. Actually I feel bad for myself knowing how much I cared for her, cried for her and supported her only to be accused of sleeping around with women. This while she was setting up her plan Bs and giving exes attention. Not to mention she requested to see my face while I cried. There was no ounce of sympathy on her face, if anything there was joy in seeing me in pain. Why do we feel sorry for them? We need to wake up and feel sorry for what we've put ourselves through!
It just hit me; She always mentioned how her exes cried for her. She LOVED it! If your pwBPD was anything like mine, stop being hard no yourself. I hate the fact that my empathy was used for control and manipulation. My very essence of being an empathetic and sensitive human was being exploited.
Hey! There's some anger coming out here! I'm liking it since I've been mostly quiet and 'understanding'
