Want to Give Wife who has Split me Black a Hug

[BPDdaddy]

I finally broke on my wife of 7 years, and when she was pushing me away by telling me that she wouldn't marry me today and that she wants a divorce, I let her walk out the door thinking that I was okay with this--for the first time in our marriage.  She has now split me black and is very negative towards me about anything and everything.  We are separated. 

My question is: now that I realize how much pain she must be going through to polarize me the way that she has, I wish I could just reach out and give that little girl who was abandoned by her mother and let down by her father a hug, tell her that everything is going to be okay, and let her know just how love-able she is--and how sorry I am for triggering her deep seated feelings of being unlove-able.  This seems impossible because of the way she treats me--like dirt.  But my question is, has anyone been able to do this?  Been successful?  Lived to see another day?   

Is there a way to get past the hardened exterior of someone like my wife and at least let her know how sorry I am?  How can I communicate with someone who thinks that anything nice that I do is manipulation?  My sweet, beautiful, and loving wife has become thoroughly hidden behind a wall of negativity, and the only thing I want at this point is for her to move on in life with an understanding that she is wonderful and worthy of love.  Can this be done? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arabella]

This is so hard - I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through something like this! Hopefully you can find support here to help you through.

Has this happened with your wife before - the being painted black I mean? I'm just wondering what she is usually like or how long her moods usually last. It seems like some people never come back from being painted black and others cycle through on a regular basis. Mine always comes back around, but that's just him (and this time is a little different too so I'm floundering along with you, BPDGrant!)

[BPDdaddy]

You know, we married young and were really the first true loves of each other's lives.  So while she has (I now can see) split other things black (our church, her jobs, her degree when she didn't like it, her situation in life, her friends), she has never split me black before so I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.  She has been upset with me and decided not to talk to me, she has left the room or house, but this time was different. 

She wanted marriage counseling to begin with, but I was busy working three jobs and going to law school.  I didn't understand that the stress of law school and our two children was getting to her so much.  She decided to go and see a psychologist personally, and when she came home it was all doom and gloom from that point on about our marriage.  She had decided that I was abusive, and began what felt like a purposeful effort to push me towards any argument she could--e.g., she would that I hadn't done the dishes when they were done, and she continued to argue about this even after realizing that her, nor our toddlers, did the dishes. 

In the middle of finals, we were watching a movie one night and the guy proposed to his wife--at which point she let me know that she wouldn't marry me nowadays and didn't love me.  Because it was the winter and she usually gets down, I hadn't brought up the pornographic romance that I stumbled upon on our shared computer that was about a woman who left a loving husband to have graphic affairs, so she didn't know how much that statement really hurt.  I slept on the couch for two days--a first--before I took my ring off to address her about the guilt I felt for standing in the way of her finding romance.  She was really hurt by this. 

When we got home from visiting family over the holidays, I let her know early in the morning that I needed to see my internship at the public defender's office, and inadvertently dozed until 4pm.  Asking her why she had not woken me, it was 4pm, she gave the response that it wasn't her responsibility, she had no responsibility to the relationship, and that she wanted a divorce--and immediately slipped her ring off her finger--for the first time I boomed that I was fine with that, and ever since then, she has become more and more bitter towards me.  I don't even recognize her anymore, but she is hell bent on divorce.  I made sure that her and the kids were in the town home and moved out, and she has become so vile it is astounding--she would rather move out into section 8 housing, work a dead end job, and give up our shared dreams of her going onto her Phd than do marriage counseling, which she was withholding during her personal counseling sessions in the first place. 

I don't know what to do, and am also certain that her psychologist (who has an MA in counseling from an online university) has no idea that I cannot even communicate with her about the children, or anything that has really gone on inside our home.  At this point, I am now battling a bevy of false allegations too, which I can't in good conscious apologize for. 

So to make a short story long, no I have never been painted black before.  But along the way, adapting and trying to make her happy, the only people that she has left in her world are negative influences that are responsible for ratcheting up the divorce rhetoric in the first place.  Still, under her tough exterior, knowing what causes BPD, I see a little girl in pain every time that she is negative towards me, and I would give anything to help her to move on in life with an understanding that she is so love-able, and that she shouldn't feel otherwise. 

[BPDdaddy]

It has been 4 months now, and she still hates me.  The longest that we have ever been upset at each other before was for a few hours, at which point one of us would reach out to the other and try to make things right again.  This is why being painted black is such a shocking thing to me now--it is hard to see that this is what is going on until it is you. 

[momtara]

I wish I could give YOU a hug!

Maybe you could craft a really clever email to give her a cyber hug?  Like a ((hug))?

Deep down, maybe it would make her feel glad that someone cares, even if she still acts angry at you.

[Hurt llama]

I wish I could give YOU a hug!

Maybe you could craft a really clever email to give her a cyber hug?  Like a ((hug))?

Deep down, maybe it would make her feel glad that someone cares, even if she still acts angry at you.

lollol

I'm a guy and straight and I wanna give him a hug too!

+1 for being a good decent person... . that is the way to go and it's not easy... .   as I know... .

[momtara]

Yeah, I think I'm being naive about the cyber hug.  I think there is a way to do it, just being very clever about it.  I think you deserve to give her a hug for nothing else other than your own peace of mind because you care about her so much.  If you could see a shrink who deals with BPD women, maybe you could get some ideas.

I wish you could give ME a hug (just kidding).  Actually, my soon to be ex hubby with BPD gives great hugs... .   I will miss them when we split up.  But his moods are too hard to deal with, with small children.

[VeryFree]

During my marriage I tried both: cyberhugs and live hugs.

The cyberhugs led to digital fights and the two times I tried a real hug she reacted very aggressively.

[BPDdaddy]

You know Momtara, the hardest thing about this whole experience is knowing that she was right at the time, but also understanding for the first time--after reading Walking on Eggshells--what I could have done to spare my family all of this pain.  It used to be natural to really sit back and understand her, but after years of trying to hold things together when she made impulsive decisions, I stopped trusting her decision making.  

I feel like I was going through the motions of trying to help her--I sacrificed a lot of study time to come home early so she could get out the Barnes and Noble and the university gym, encouraged her to enroll in a fun creative writing course, but I don't know that I was really listening anymore.  I would even try to end arguments by giving her a hug at the time (nowt that VeryScared has pointed this out) and she would just push me away and scream at me for trying to "pretend" to be the better person--which I didn't understand.  She needed to be loved differently than I did, and when the stress of law school kicked in and I wasn't my naturally laid back self, I just didn't know how to do this.  She needed space when she was getting upset, and validation that I didn't know how to give. 

I'm sure her psychologist is well intentioned (trying to help a perceived damsel in distress, just as I once did), but I'm not sure that he understands just how much he enabled my wife's reckless behavior.  When someone is screaming names at you--really she's just projecting, I now understand--and responds to a request that we not treat each other in this manner in front of the kids by alleging that such a request is abusive, it is really hard to see how our relationship can work with small children too.  Yet after my 4 year old son replaced his bed-time stuffed animals with a mug I got for him at Sea World--the last time we were together as a family--and now seeing how much his mother's mood is affecting him, it breaks my heart to understand that I had a choice, I could have reacted more compassionately towards his mother, and had I understood her push/pull mentality I probably would have.

[briefcase]

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.  Many of us here have been "painted black" by our partners over the years and it's a very painful experience. I know what its like to want to give my wife a hug to make her, and me, feel better.  Right now, the best things you can do are:

(1) Study for exams - your grades for the entire semester depend on them;

(2) Read the Lessons for Staying;

(3) Consider going to a therapist for yourself to help you develop healthy coping strategies; and

(4) Take care of yourself so you are strong for you, the kids, and her (in that order).

We don't know if she will change her mind and want to give the marriage another shot - many do, some don't.  if you do the above things, you will be in the best position to be there (and be strong) if she decides to try again.

You are among friends here.  Keep posting and ask questions.  

[BPDdaddy]

Thanks Briefcase.  It's hard to be mindful and live in the present when you are going through this, but you are right.  The toughest part for me has been that whenever I go to pick up the kids, she always has something negative to say to me and is trying so hard to reinforce her reality by trying to pick a fight.  Every time she does this, I think about what I could have done better to respond to her without saying something that she might also interpret as hurtful.  And every once and a while I feel like there is a crack in her armor and that I might be able to open up a discussion--the way things used to be before she began to focus on all the negatives.  So the hard part for me has been (1) to focus on the immense workload I have while (2) remaining open to moments where she may be giving me the opportunity to rectify the feelings that I have triggered in her, which is also something I feel that I need to be mindful of.  When we the fallout first happened, I was reading a lot of relationship advice books that followed the old adage of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and I think this just reinforced her belief that I was abandoning her, so it has been tough to understand what I need to do to rectify this all.  Law school is a horrible place to have a relationship crisis. 

[briefcase]

Make sure you read the Lessons.

Behind each nasty comment she makes when you see her is an emotion - and an opportunity to valide her feelings (but not her "facts".  Watch the Fruzzetti video in the lessons (Lesson 3, I think).  It takes practice, but if you are consistent, it might help open some doors with her.  There are no guarantees, but the Lessons have helped many people here.

[Auspicious]

BPDdaddy, you may or may not benefit from reading my story. You could look at my oldest posts.

Bottom line is that nothing got better for me until I learned to focus on myself, and doing whatever made sense in the situation I was in. I had to let go of the idea of fixing or controlling anything that my wife did.

[BPDdaddy]

You know, she is very sensitive towards anything I try to do to help her--it all resembles control to her right now.  I initially thought it would be good to get the friends that she has alienated over the years back in touch with her hoping that she might add things up and have some support in her increasingly isolated world, and it just compounded the situation. 

How do I view your posts?  It seems to disallow this for me. 

[Auspicious]

You know, she is very sensitive towards anything I try to do to help her--it all resembles control to her right now.  I initially thought it would be good to get the friends that she has alienated over the years back in touch with her hoping that she might add things up and have some support in her increasingly isolated world, and it just compounded the situation.  

Right ... .   you probably need to pull back from frantic attempts to "fix" things. They aren't working, right?

Have you read the Lessons yet?

How do I view your posts?  It seems to disallow this for me.  

If you click my username, then click on "Show the last posts of this person", then jump to the last page (since they are listed in reverse chronological order).

If that doesn't work ... .   then I'm not sure

[BPDdaddy]

10, I figured it out.  Now I can see your posts. 

As far as what I am working on with her now, that was pretty much the extent of what I tried, other than trying to follow relationship advice books which probably made her feel more abandoned--I didn't realize that she was hard-wired differently at the time--and this was all within the first few weeks of it all. 

Since then, I have tried to stay focused on only discussing issues about the children, though she has attempted to engage me in arguments about what I did, where she will tell me what I did (which is inaccurate or totally false) and then yell at me for "harrassing", treating me as though I brought the subject up, when I try to get a word in edgewise so to explain.  (week 4-6)

Now, I have started to simply said "I'm sorry you feel that way", but this enrages her.  I will check out the lessons and try to learn. 

[BPDdaddy]

I think the tricky part here is that, other than an eating disorder that she developed when she was in high school and before we met, we married young and during the course of our marriage I have been very structured as a person, handled the finances, got us into school, worked to cover the expenses, and generally did everything needed to keep things running smoothly.  She hadn't ever seen me break down until we had our second child during our first semester of law school, and I broke.  Because of this, she hasn't ever really experienced the turmoil that comes from multiple chaotic-relationships, and she hasn't ever hit rock bottom--she has generally been very happy with life until we moved away from where we had a strong network, and out here for professional school (out here, she has had to take on much more responsibility to network with friends, budget--which I mistakenly entrusted to her, and generally run the home without me around).  

Because she was this great girl growing up--a smart, fun, yet shy--honors student, I never realized that she is very much like her grandma, her mother, and her sister (who has 6 children with 5 different men) who have all had tumultuous relationships and ended up living the trailer park life. Pre-law school, I was very pro-active and upbeat, and she adopted many of these traits--we ran two marathons together, were involved in the community and campus through my work performing marriages, non-profit groups I was involved in, and university leadership positions.  Because of this, she is un-diagnosed, and doesn't have a history that would indicate BPD to a professional because she has had what would seem like a stable relationship and lifestyle for so long.

I suppose that I see the moving parts involved in her circumstance, and how I have adapted so seamlessly that she hasn't seen the consequences of her choices, and worry about what she is capable of when she hits rock bottom since this is really an unknown.  But from what I have seen, it looks like I have to let her do this if she is finally going to get the help that she needs.  Is that, for the most part, the way this has to go?  

[cal644]

This story is almost word for word on what happened to me - I can' t beleive it.  I have been painted so black too - my wife has disowned my family, our friends, our church, heck anything to do with me - even places we used to go out to eat.  I have never in my life seen such a quick change in events.  The only difference I wanted marriage counciling she didn't - but her councilor convinced her too that I was this controlling, abusive, alcoholic, who had all these affairs - that may be why she disowned all of our friends, church, etc ... .   becuase they all know that's complet B.S... .   I have been painted white again - for an hour or a day - but it never lasts - give it an hour or a day and I'm completely black again... .   I too wish I could just give her a hug and let her know that I would have been with her, loved her, and been faithful until the day I died... .   however my T beleives she sabotaged the relationship forcing me to file - that way it proves to her how little I loved her (BS) - but I respected my boundaries, which she couldn't - I told her time and time again - Yes I filed - but it was your decesion by your words and actions/or lack of actions.

[Auspicious]

Hard to say. I don't think you can really predict the outcome of what she will do.

We were married ten years before my wife completely fell apart - had a "breakdown", "decompensated", whatever term you want to use. But there were warning signs, of course, which I either tried to ignore or didn't understand.


Time to take the focus off of her and focus on what you do have control over: you.

[BPDdaddy]

I guess that is all that I can do now.  Thanks for the support, it was nice reading through your posts and seeing how similar your reactions were to mine.  I think it does give me some hope that she will eventually figure things out.  If only there was an "off" switch that I could hit whenever my mind wants to think about the situation. 

[Auspicious]

If only there was an "off" switch that I could hit whenever my mind wants to think about the situation.  

It's a process    It takes time to retrain yourself.

":)etaching" doesn't mean that you don't love her. It means accepting that you are powerless to change what she does.

[BPDdaddy]

So true about the divorce thing Cal.  She threw it out there, and every time I would come over to see the kids, she would get on me about paying spousal support, stating what she was going to charge to my credit, etc., until I finally called her from the apartment I'm at one night and left her a message letting her know that since she seemed serious about divorce, I needed to cancel the cards that gave her access to my credit.  Two days later, she called me back raging at me with false allegations, and reinforcing that she was definitely going to be divorced at the first moment possible--it seemed, from her emotions, like she felt that it was me who decided to divorce her.  This was before I understood anything about BPD, so this whole time I was trying to follow her rules and let her know that if that was what she wanted, I was okay with that--the relationship advice books I read said this was the best approach, and I had no idea that I was re-enforcing her abandonment fears at the time.  

[BPDdaddy]

The last thing that I have to get out before I get back into my casebooks: I guess the hardest part about all of this is that my wife is so damned smart--definitely smarter than me--that I thought to myself "if I can add this all up, certainly she can." 

So I initially tried to explain why what happened, with her telling me that she didn't love me and wanting a divorce for no apparent reason, hurt so much--I brought up the pornographic romance she was writing that I stumbled upon in recent documents while working on our shared computer (totally against anything I ever thought she would be into), which she then turned into an accusation that I was "scouring through all" of her personal stuff.

I tried to bring friends that she has lost over the years--people that were there at the very beginning, or who we lost because she blew up our church affiliations--hoping that she could reconnect and understand how her actions have alienated people over the years, and just so that they could be there for her.  The only thing that I told them was that I broke my wife's heart and that she needed friends.  She has taken this as me saying that she has no friends, me trying to control her, and anyone that she suspects of talking to me gets tuned out or a heavy dosage of what a monster I am.  And ecause I talked to her about the initial pornography thing, she now thinks that I have slandered her with this to everyone she knows.  If she would just talk to them, she would realize that they only know how horrible I feel for having broke down on her while here at the law school. 

It just boggled my mind that such talented, and smart person--she can do advanced Calculus and has been published for her work on algae--wasn't able to add these things up.  And then after I realized the amount of denial a person will go through to avoid addressing the issues that she has from her childhood, I also realized that everything I did to reach her in those first few weeks made her feel like I was hurting her even more. 

[momtara]

That's not necessarily true.  It is hard to know how someone with BPD is thinking.  Deep down she has to know you care, on some level.

I am sure a lot of people with this illness are very smart.  But the part of them that splits people... .   doesn't necessarily follow logic.

You beat yourself up a lot and feel bad, but it's really hard to find the 'right' things to do.  Just hang in there and be consistently a good guy.

[arabella]

I've had this sort of thing happen to me with my dBPDh. I've also done that thing where I got so caught up in school that I didn't see some of the signs, etc. He's also a smart guy (multiple university degrees, etc) but a complete doorknob when it comes to handling major stress or our r/s.  

First of all, stop blaming yourself. That's not helpful and you'll make yourself crazy trying to second guess everything you've ever done. Second, stop trying to 'help' or 'fix' things for your wife. Don't point out her mistakes or try to get her to see your emotional side of things. All she'll see is that you think she's the problem, you're blaming her, you don't understand, you hate her, she's not good enough, etc. Again, not helpful (even if some/all of it's true) - it just sends her further into her spiral. You barely see your wife right now so, if you make those moments painful for her, that's all she'll remember and you won't get a chance to work on things down the road. And it is a long, long road. 

For me what has worked (to some degree) is to just validate and not bring up any 'issues'. If I get a painted white moment, I try to walk away before the black starts to creep in again. I give him space so that I'm not associated with his dark moods - otherwise he gets upset about something and since I'm there, he decides I'm the problem.   I don't know about your wife, but my H doesn't do well with extra people around. When he's upset or dysregulated he does better on his own, sorting through his mind - having friends around just adds more stress and pressure for him. Remember, pwBPD have difficultly with interpersonal relationships so adding more of them can backfire (mine gets panicky, stressed, and desperate to 'control' the situation - it's not fun).

No idea if any of that helps you at all, but I'd thought I'd share just in case you can use some of it! Sorry you're having to deal with this right now, it really sucks!

p.s. Yours is the second post I've replied to in the past 2 weeks re a dysregulated BPDw and trying to cope with law school at the same time. What a tough combo!

[Auspicious]

BPD is a mental illness. It isn't caused by you, and it definitely isn't caused by law school.

You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it. It's not about you.

[BPDdaddy]

An interesting thing happened last night that makes your message seem all the more prescient Momtara.  Since the beginning of this whole thing, when I show up to see the kids--and she leaves--I have been trying to serve my wife in little ways.  I've reminded myself that while I've been getting nothing but negative flack from her, she is hurting and deserves a little help, even if she acts like she doesn't.  

When it was apparent that she was having a tough time getting out and stocking the house with food, I started bringing and preparing dinner on my nights to see the kids an hour before she would come back from work with the kids from daycare.  Nothing but criticism about this.  I have also made sure that the house is spotless when I leave, that the dishes are done, kids scrubbed and in bed, and things are generally wound down so she can relax.  In a way, this is also preparation for the reality that I will be the main parent for our children if she does actually sign the settlement agreement and send it to the court--it has been sitting under a pile of mail for a month now.  

Last night I went through the thankless routine again not expecting anything but criticism.  Made pasta: she criticized me for defrosting the chicken in the microwave and sauteing with the tomatoes rather than beforehand.  Cleaned house, baby in bed with formula, son snacking on grapes while watching his last cartoon: nothing but a cold shoulder.  

Later that night after a basketball game at the gym, I got this text: "Appreciate that you cleaned."  It's the glimmer of hope I have seen since I broke her heart.  This is literally the first kind thing she has said to me, and for the first time, I don't know how to respond to her kindness.  :)o I?  I'm afraid that she will push me away if I do, but then again, if I don't at least hit the " " on my Blackberry like I normally would have when things were good, she may also be hurt for the lack of response.  It's a confusing thing, being painted black.

[BPDdaddy]

That actually is really helpful advice arabella.  I have noticed that when I breach anything related to the problems that caused the separation, even when she has brought it up, that she immediately recoils.  Our son caught pneumonia a month after we separated, and while we were in the hospital, she made what almost seemed like a joke about the erotic romance that she was writing.  I thought this was an opening and tried to explain that I innocently stumbled upon it, that I wasn't scouring through her personal items, at which point she snapped that she would not reconcile due to guilt--which didn't make sense at the time. 

I guess I've just been trying to practice a form of forgive and forget since that point, and have focused on only discussing issues about the children--mostly when she initiates this discussion, unless I really need some information--and doing what I can in a pending divorce situation to demonstrate that I care outside of words.  I think your right in that if I can build enough positives, that might give me the fairest shot and reconciling my family. 

[BPDdaddy]

Yep, so good news yesterday can only mean bad news today.  The roller coaster begins again. 

In our mediation agreement, I agreed that I would assume all of my debt--which was the largest amount due to the fact that my card was the one primarily used--she insisted that I could not use my truck to transport the children, and to rectify this, I would take the car and she would purchase her own.  So, I wasn't aware that the mediators would not be entirely clear with the statement, and they didn't include her solution to our one car problem.  So she has now reversed her position, she now wants the car too, and wants for me to finance another.  When I reminded her that she was the one who committed to purchasing her own car, she began to cuss me out for not agreeing to what was now the "best solution."  I had to tell her that I couldn't continue speaking with her if she was going to continue calling me names, and hung up when she wouldn't stop doing so. 

I suppose that divorce agreements with women who have BPD usually end with lawyers involved, don't they?  It becomes less expensive to hire a lawyer if she isn't willing to follow through with her end of the agreement.  I was hoping to avoid this, but I can't sign a mediation agreement that requires me to assume most of our debt and be responsible for purchasing the items needed to build a new life--especially when this isn't my decision.  Man, this is frustrating. 

In any case, I suppose I really need to detach emotionally from the relationship at this point.  You all were right.  Divorce is real, and if it is going to happen, I can't allow myself to be a doormat. 

[BPDdaddy]

I guess that I thought that all of the separation agreement anxiety would be behind me at this point.  I thought that she would follow through with the solution that she proposed.  Now I am being pressured to sign the agreement, and seeing more clearly that she she doesn't really care about much else but getting out of the relationship without incurring any of the big liabilities.  I just thought that she would be more trustworthy than this, and a little less selfish.