Harm. Lots of to you!
I understand why the trip feels scary. But it's great that your GP and T are both in favour. Also remember the trip isn't such a big deal - it's just one stage in your ongoing process of dealing with the trauma and entering recovery. Maybe try not to build it up into too big a thing in your head.
It does feel scary. I feel anxious. I never had anxiety issues until I met my ex. Nor had anxiety issues for exams, or during other r/s. It all happened when my self-confidence got broken and I react like a 2 year old from time to time yelling for his mother, while, well, I never had the assistance of my mother.
Than one would wonder, after loads of conversations with the shrink and the doctor, maybe they were underlined. Maybe they were always there? My therapists and doctor disagree. My ex agrees.
I mean, I normally would love to travel. I do, really do. F*ck it wherever. And now, anxiety. What if they don't like me? Fear of rejection. I've never witnessed those feelings. Nor in childhood or in puberty. I was always an acceptible guy with friends. A variety of friends. Never bullied. Always fun. Good grades, good in sports. Even at one time dating the best looking girl at school.
There are bound to be good things about going away for a few days - and not such good things. That's all fine. You'll have times I'm sure when you'll be helpfully distracted by the interesting and new things going on around you. (Do remember not just to go to old, familiar places full of memories - that's not such a good idea). If you're feeling really 'down' at any point - you could just say to yourself - 'OK - that was to be expected - it's not possible to just leave home and for everything to suddenly feel OK - I'm in a vulnerable state right now and I'm challenging myself by going on this trip - but it was a brave and positive step to take and there will be helpful things and people that will come along and distract me and improve my mood before too long'. And then you can write a post to tell us all about it... . and also re-read some of the great support and encouragement you've received on these boards.
I will visit old places, for the sake of the fact that now in my memory, i've put them on a pedestal. They shouldn't be. Life continues. Life goes on, and I have to move on. I need that spark again whatwasthat. That spark, in my engine. I really need it. I feel so empty, I feel so numb. I hope to regain my spark there but also realize the r/s wasn't as romantically awesome as it should be. She treated me like junk.
Fact of the matter is. I could visit her. But im pretty sure everyone here would say... . NO HARM ... . DON"T DO THAT.
You talk a lot about people posting on these boards who you feel are still recovering 2 or 3 years after the end of their relationships - and you say you don't want to be like them - because you perceive them as being trapped in an endless nightmare. But from what I read that's not how it is at all. People do - on the whole - make substantial, gradual progress. They may well have rough patches and times when old memories might come back to them some time after the event. What they don't do is stay endlessly in a crisis state. I know it feels like it's never going to end when you're in it - but that is just one of the awful tricks our brains can play on us when we're in an 'emergency' situation. But that's not the reality - keep reminding yourself of that
I just feel stupid that from time to time I seem to lose control over my emotions. Again, this is not something 'normal' for me. My head are not my thoughts. However, from time to time I just let it go. I am to hard on myself. I am.
My former colleauges are telling me, why are you not coming back to work?
My dad disagrees on my trip, he think's it bollocks, stop crying and start working again.
My ex tells me that any feeling of 'feeling empty' is just stupidity. Take a good night rest and work again, whats wrong with you?
My friends are telling me, your missing out on the rat race of life
The people who help me professionally tell me to move out the country; seek yourself again harm. Again, I don't feel like I have a lot of support. That hurts.
Going to my 'old' place now, will be visiting a lot of places i've been to with my ex. They will now be alone or with a bunch of couch surfers. I was so afraid for rejection that I actually booked a hotel alongside my couchsurf experience just in case they won't accept me.
I will definitely show you some photo's of my road trip, not that most care, and it more or less turns into a diary from my point of view, but I consider it my path to hopefully a better life. A new life, a life where I see
purpose again.
What do I do if I ran into my ex?
I will deliberately face the places we have been to. Why? Face your fears. My goodness, I might end up in tears, or I might think, ... . was this all? Was this it? Was this worth it? All those tears back in Holland?
You guys have been of great assistance. I don't deserve your help, but sincerely appreciate the emails and support. Your helping a 25 year old maintaining a bit of balance in his life.
I hope this trip will smash me out of the crisis state. I really hope so. I also hope I deserve so. All I want is just to purely help people in life. Assist people. I know with my abilities I can be of assistance.
I might take the bible with me.
There will be a time where I will stop playing the victim here. I am not a victim, I allowed myself, deliberately to be in this mess, i'm an adult and should be able to sit through this without self-harm. (although I wish that my gf will endure the same one day). It also what my shrink told me, your ex gf won't understand what your going through until she will once go through it herself. When I ofc. told her this she went berserk.
I wish I was just raised in a family, with a mother and a father, 2/3 kids, where I would have a brother and a sister. And just become a carpenter within the same town, get married there, drink beer on the couch after I get home and have 3/4 beautiful kids.
Rather than flying through Europe for financial business, constantly working and considering yourself a European.
My ex told me many times, I worry you are going to be as bad as your father, as lonely as your father and as screwed up as your father. As he is the only one (as my mother is mentally ill) that hurt immensely. My father is a typical loner, but very clever. Wouldn't say monk, but wouldn't be far of it. My mother lives in a psychiatric institute and other than that, i've had 6/7 other mothers and fathers (foster ones). I lost count. So ofc. i've always the feeling, gotta fight for myself to get somewhere... .
Meaning I was afraid I might be suffering from all sorts of disorders and mental illnesses, also in regards of my mom who is locked up. Even had a MRI scan of my head.
Result?
None ... . superbly healthy brains and clever intelligent boy.
Love you guys! Within 24 hours, Harm will be somewhere on a couch, far far away from here.
