BPD and sex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can anybody explain what the reason for this could be? My ex said to me a month after we broke up,when I was in bed with her, that "we did not have sex that often, that's a good thing" ?  When I was with her she would often be like your not getting any tonight and other times she would initiate it and say we don't do it enough and then say the next day i just came round for sex, or typical guy all the time?

[jj2121]

Can anybody explain what the reason for this could be? My ex said to me a month after we broke up,when I was in bed with her, that "we did not have sex that often, that's a good thing" ?  When I was with her she would often be like your not getting any tonight and other times she would initiate it and say we don't do it enough and then say the next day i just came round for sex, or typical guy all the time?

[trevjim]

Ye I got that, one minute it was that we didnt do it enough, the next apparently all im using her for is sex.

[VeryFree]

Strange overhere to.

At first sex was an oblegation. Every day, an hour before we had to leave for work, the alarmclock was set. Day in day out.

After a while I objected against this and soon it became on a weekly basis: same day, same hour. Never spontaneous.

[Consumed]

When I just read your post, I laughed and said to myself, "he's talking about my ex!" In my situation, I realized she had learned at a very young age (due to sexual abuse) that control, manipulation, anger , fear, guilt, and shame is what sex is connected to. She learned it was a bad thing used to belittle and shown how UNimportant she was and not part of a healthy-loving relationship. She also didn't learn what a healthy loving relationship was. I believe some of the vile rageful anger she felt for me was due to triggers or flashbacks while we were having sex. The R/S was over 2 years and sex was a constant push-pull mind game from her. I don't blame her and I tried to be as accomodating as humanly possible. There were many times during sex I would have to stop because I felt her disassociating from it and she wasn't even there mentally at all. Like you said, she would "not be in the mood" or even make up something to start screaming about so sex wouldn't even be approached or say, "sex is all you want me for,you're no different than any other "pig" male". Then if I gave her space, it would be "you don't want to touch me?, You don't love me?" It was huge games that we'll never be able to fully comprehend and I have to accept that.

[jj2121]

When I just read your post, I laughed and said to myself, "he's talking about my ex!" In my situation, I realized she had learned at a very young age (due to sexual abuse) that control, manipulation, anger , fear, guilt, and shame is what sex is connected to. She learned it was a bad thing used to belittle and shown how UNimportant she was and not part of a healthy-loving relationship. She also didn't learn what a healthy loving relationship was. I believe some of the vile rageful anger she felt for me was due to triggers or flashbacks while we were having sex. The R/S was over 2 years and sex was a constant push-pull mind game from her. I don't blame her and I tried to be as accomodating as humanly possible. There were many times during sex I would have to stop because I felt her disassociating from it and she wasn't even there mentally at all. Like you said, she would "not be in the mood" or even make up something to start screaming about so sex wouldn't even be approached or say, "sex is all you want me for,you're no different than any other "pig" male". Then if I gave her space, it would be "you don't want to touch me?, You don't love me?" It was huge games that we'll never be able to fully comprehend and I have to accept that.

Thanks for that. I don't know what went on in her childhood, but I had my suspicions,her family were strange. One minute she would say they were great and the next they did nothing for her. I tried to ask her once about stuff and she would say just leave it.  She was very strange when it came to sex,with comments and stuff. I am guessing it has something to do with some sort of abuse. If it was it makes me feel bad for slagging her off in the last exchange we had, but the way she was messing me about was totally wrong,I was tired of being a doormat. Suppose I will have to forget it and concentrate on myself.

[jj2121]

She also looked me at once during sex and said you really need to learn to kiss when doing that and seemed upset. Took me a while to realise she really did not respect guys, tried to explain I was not using her... .   didn't seem to work. Strange when someone dumps you saying they thought they liked you more than you did them. Nothing I said made any difference.

[ScotisGone74]

My ex BPD always was in a hurry to have sex of some sort, but i would try to kiss her in the middle of it and she would act like she didn't want me to.  It was almost weird, I am the guy and would just enjoy laying by her and being next to her-even foreplay-but it was almost if the sex she was getting out of me was some sort of drug she needed to feel better or something. 

[VeryFree]

My ex BPD always was in a hurry to have sex of some sort, but i would try to kiss her in the middle of it and she would act like she didn't want me to.  It was almost weird, I am the guy and would just enjoy laying by her and being next to her-even foreplay-but it was almost if the sex she was getting out of me was some sort of drug she needed to feel better or something. 

Same overhere.

Sex was about the deed itself. No play, no touching, no fun, just doing it untill she had enough.

Probably had a lot to do with her self-esteem-issues.

[grad]

BPD either are very sexual or very non-sexual.   Some enjoy the closeness it brings but hate the act and wish it was over.  Others use it as validation and desire it more than their partners.  Sex is such a wide open topic and different people share it in different ways so it can't really be a one size fits all opinion.  My ex enjoyed slow, intimate sex.  Told me I was the first guy to make her orgasm in missionary, first multiple, etc.  Not sure how much truth there was to all of it but I know she enjoyed sex with me immensely and would sometimes start to dysregulate just before we were getting in bed.  She also said she used it against her s/o and would withhold sex but she wouldn't do that with me... .   and that she had a hard time resisting me seducing her.

[apple]

Ye I got that, one minute it was that we didnt do it enough, the next apparently all im using her for is sex.

Your not alone on that... . It bounced back and forth like that for years!

[Vexx]

From a BPD blogger:

"Why are Borderlines so Sexual?

The Why’s of Sex, Promiscuity, and

Borderline Personality Disorder

Why are you so sexual my dear Borderline?

That’s a good question isn’t it? One that

does not come with a quick answer. This is

a first. I’ve found almost no information on

why sex seems to be such a prominent

feature of Borderline Personality Disorder.

What I have found has been only a

paragraph or a sentence here or there. So

let’s look at what I’ve found, what I feel,

and what some of my own theories are.

One of the more obvious theories as to why

people with BPD have such reckless sex

lives is the fact that they constantly feel

emotional emptiness. “Even when they

find a stable emotional relationship their

fear of abandonment causes them to

become paranoid about the stability of

their relationship and the validity of the

love coming from their partner. A

possibility for the reasoning behind sex

and borderline personality disorder is that

the sufferer of BPD actually tries to self-

sabotage their relationship in order to end

the relationship before they are actually

abandoned by their partner. Another

theory as to reckless sex and borderline

personality disorder is that the BPD

sufferer actually gets an emotional high

from bonding with the sexual partner even

if only for a short time. They are literally

trying to fill in emptiness inside

themselves and they try and try to fill that

void with sex. After having a sexual affair

the person with borderline personality

disorder may not have the same amount of

guilt as someone with non-BPD. The reason

is projection; oftentimes people with

borderline personality disorder project

their negative behaviors onto others

including their partners. This means that

someone with borderline personality

disorder who is having a reckless sexual

affair may have a tendency to build a fake

affair that their spouse or loved one is

having in their head. They literally make

themselves believe that their partner is

also cheating and that they are therefore

justified in having their reckless sexual affair.”

A previous article I mentioned notes that

there may be a number of reasons for the

more negative attitudes about sex. “First,

many women with BPD are survivors of

child abuse, which may contribute to

overall negative reactions to adult sexual

experiences. Also, women with BPD are

more likely to experience a great deal of

conflict in their relationships, so they may

feel less positive about sex because

relationships in general feel less fulfilling.”

Having these negative attitudes doesn’t

however, justify why we may still have an

attitude directed towards reckless sex. I

would take this from a different angle and

say that perhaps due to previous abuse

there is a subconscious need for approval

where it was not given, withheld, or used

against us. Overt sexual behavior may be a

way of taking back control, exerting control

in the present where control was once absent.

Also, knowing that we have the ability to

interest and consume someone with our

sexuality or ability to seduce them is a

form of validation of our own self-worth.

Those are my thoughts currently. I’m sure

I’d have more but I’m utterly brain fried

from today and yesterday at work. I’ll be

sure to post more on this if the thoughts should arise.

So there’s that. To fill an emotional emptiness with a physical, well, I don’t have an argument for this. I also believe that when it comes to sex, people with BPD are more likely to be sexually open and adventurous. We can be virtually uninhibited. Or exactly the opposite. I’ve noticed a trend towards the extremes. Either we’re all or nothing. So you may have borderlines like myself that are ALL for sex or those that have severe issues from resultant traumatic experiences and avoid it whenever possible.

Another theory comes from Thomas R.

Lynch, a psychologist at Duke University.

He and his colleagues found a clue in the

reading of facial expressions. “The

researchers asked 20 adults with BPD and

20 mentally healthy people to watch a

computer-generated face change from

neutral to emotional. They told subjects to

stop the changing image the moment they

had identified the emotion. On average,

the people with BPD correctly recognized

both the unpleasant expressions and the

happy faces at a much earlier stage than

the other participants did. The results

suggest that BPD patients are hyperaware

of even subtly emotive faces—problematic

in people who are intensely reactive to

other people’s moods. So, for example, a

hint of boredom or annoyance on a

person’s face that most people would not

notice might produce anger or fears of

abandonment in a person with BPD.

Conversely, someone with BPD might see a

happy expression as a sign of love and

react with inappropriate passion, leading

to the whirlwind, stormy romances that

rock the lives of people with BPD.”

I’ve talked about hypersensitivity before.

It’s very easy to read too much into what

we see in someone else and I do think this

theory has some validity, but I don’t think

it’s substantial all on its own. This may be

a contributing factor but not the main

reason.

I’ve said before that I use sex as a means to

be close, but not too close. It’s comforting.

It allows that very real, very human

connection that makes me feel less hollow

and alone, while maintaining my

safeguards. I’ve been so hurt and

traumatized due to past abuse and

experiences that while some part of me

does need this closeness, at the same time I

do not trust it. There’s something more

personal about letting someone into my

mind, than into my body. If I can distract

them with my body, they’ll have proven

themselves not trustworthy enough to get

into my mind, but at the same time, I have

someone near. I’ll have validated my own

paranoia and satisfied my need to not be

alone. How’s that for messed up. When I’m

alone I feel empty. Sex is one of those

ultimate expressions of being not alone.

Having your life literally interwined in the

arms and legs of another, it’s an

encompassing experience, without being

completely consumed. There’s the ability

to maintain a distance while holding

someone close. Or maybe there’s some

overdeveloped primitive instinct that if we

find a partner, let them into our lives in

such a way, we will develop a bond. And

from there maybe a lasting one. The more

partners, the greater the likelihood of this

happening."

[sad but wiser]

Okay, so I'm a girl and maybe I can shed a little tiny sliver of light.  Not on the really weird stuff (like the alarm clock) but on the "you don't love me, so I don't want you stuff."   

A healthy woman in a relationship wants to be with her man both emotionally and sexually at the same time.  A healthy man feels the same way.  A healthy man wants his wife to enjoy herself with him very, very much.  It is a give-give situation.

  Some men seem to think that sex is all about them.  They aren't concerned about anything but what they are getting out of it.  Well, that is as clear as day to a woman if you make her feel like she could be just anyone (or anything).  Whether or not you men actually ARE wanting only her isn't the issue.  Her perception of your emotional attachment is.  She needs you to enjoy the beauty she brings into your life.

Now with a BPD girlfriend/wife, I suspect that since her thinking is Black/White her perception of your emotional attachment shifts back and forth depending on what she tells herself about how you feel about her.  Get it?

[wanttoknowmore]

Vexx 's  analysis is very thoughtprovoking. I would like to emphasize two points:

1. pwBPD provides sex because in their mind it's reduces the chance of their partner abandoning them (as they are hooked on her/him for good sex)

Its a form of control... . first providing sex freely and later, withholding "if you dont behave".

2. pwBPD's sense of self worth temporarily goes up when his/her partner praises or feels good about his/her sexual prowess.

[jj2121]

Okay, so I'm a girl and maybe I can shed a little tiny sliver of light.  Not on the really weird stuff (like the alarm clock) but on the "you don't love me, so I don't want you stuff."   

A healthy woman in a relationship wants to be with her man both emotionally and sexually at the same time.  A healthy man feels the same way.  A healthy man wants his wife to enjoy herself with him very, very much.  It is a give-give situation.

  Some men seem to think that sex is all about them.  They aren't concerned about anything but what they are getting out of it.  Well, that is as clear as day to a woman if you make her feel like she could be just anyone (or anything).  Whether or not you men actually ARE wanting only her isn't the issue.  Her perception of your emotional attachment is.  She needs you to enjoy the beauty she brings into your life.

Now with a BPD girlfriend/wife, I suspect that since her thinking is Black/White her perception of your emotional attachment shifts back and forth depending on what she tells herself about how you feel about her.  Get it?

I know what you mean about guys using girls for sex,like all about them,I have plenty of friends like that. I am not like that at all,although I have 1 night stands in the past,I have grown up and I actually felt attached to my ex and I kept trying to explain I was not using her,but it just did not seem to sink in. She even said when she broke up with me,she thought she liked me more than I liked her and I only said I loved her because she said it. I spent 2 months after the breakup in contact and kept telling her I cared about her, but she kept playing the victim and it all got too confusing for me.

[sad but wiser]

jj - I think she didn't like herself and projected it onto you.  Also, your intimacy probably triggered her engulfment feelings, so she backed off, then felt abandoned.  I'm sorry, there isn't anything you could have done about that.  Find a nice, emotionally healthy girl next time! 

[mango_flower]

I hate even thinking about this topic... .  

I am really not that interested in sex.  She said she was the same.  At first we had loads of sex as it was the honeymoon period, but I eventually reverted to type and wasn't that interested again (nothing to do with her, I loved her so purely and deeply)

The thing that hurts the most is thinking we were both on the same page - that we could take it or leave it.  I'd rather have snuggles any day!

But part of me wonders if she was just mirroring me, and that the sex she will now be having with her fiancee is crazy-passionate, ongoing, every day... .  

What if that was what she really wanted, but just went along with my wishes?  If so, that hurts like hell, to think of her really enjoying it with her new partner... .   I feel like I failed her in some way.

[apple]

From a BPD blogger:

they constantly feel

emotional emptiness. “Even when they

find a stable emotional relationship their

fear of abandonment causes them to

become paranoid about the stability of

their relationship and the validity of the

love coming from their partner.

This hit the nail on the head for me!  My udBPDexw said to me "she felt empty" and she also questioned the validity of my love on many occasions over the years.