And back he comes...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Most of you know my story.  I'm kinda sick of thinking about it (a good sign) so briefly I'll just say that after splitting in December, my ex and I were able I thought to stay friends.  Chatted via texts occasionally, posted funny things to FB, and even supporting each other in a really wonderful and extraordinary way when my cat (whom he had known for five years) was dying of cancer.  I really thought we'd made a tricky transaction. 

About a month ago, he sent me an email, wanting to talk but not right now, in a couple days, wouldn't say about what because he didn't want me to "overthink" it.  This was right as I was heading in to a big business presentation.  I refused to let it rattle me.  The next day, the cat took a turn for the worse, and the "conversation" got dropped.

I had hoped it was over, but he texted me again, wanting to talk.  Figuring I'd just get it over with, and knowing pretty much what he would say, I said let's just talk now.  (BTW, he has just moved to a new place, and has lost his job, and we will be going to the same convention in about three weeks.  He also has type I diabetes with neuropathy, OCD and bipolar, not aware that he has BPD.)

It was what I feared... .   he is still "head over heels in love with me." I said the following:

"You are very important to me. I would not see you in any pain, but I fear that what I have to say is going to hurt you. I cannot be what you want me to be; I've only just started exploring what I need to about myself, and the more I look, the more there is to learn. I'm not ready to be in a relationship, not with you, not with anyone.

I have been enjoying the "new way", the more casual way, we have been relating to one another, and how we came together to help each other with Kitty.

I'd like to continue that, very much.  I'm... .   not sure what to say."

He replied with:

"You've already said it. You don't want me, and nothing I can say is going to change that. I though tthat maybe we could discuss it, but I know now that you're not open to that. So I just need to accept that you and I are ... .   not going to have anything again.

But I do need to at least say some of these things, or they'll haunt me.

You're all I think about, night and day. You're the first thing I think about every morning, and the last I think about when I finally fall asleep at night. I spend my waking hours missing you, but not just you, I miss the "us." I miss the way I could make you laugh. I miss our discussions. I miss making dinner for you and seeing you smile. I miss TV time. I miss joking with you. I miss holding you. I miss making love to you.

I lament that we don't have the opportunity to grow together. I know now that I don't want anyone else, because they're not you. I don't love anyone else, because they're not you. We were so good in so many ways, and though we were bad in others we have both learned how to grow. We have learned about ourselves and how to live and be happy. I feel very strongly that can continue within the context of a relationship, and I very strongly want that person to be you.

I don't know how much time I have left. I seem to be getting sicker and sicker. I'm scared that I might not have a lot of time left. And whenever I think of my future, you're always in it. Whenever I see myself happy with someone, it's always you.

The point I'm trying to make, is that in my head and in my heart- It's always you, [Changed4safety]. Always.

And with all of the talk of "living in the moment" and "being in the NOW" and "making the most of the time we have" ... .   I don't want it to be anyone else BUT you. I want it to be you. Right now and for all the right nows."

ME: What you have said is so beautiful. I'm not sure what to say, how to respond.

HIM: You don't have to. Not right this moment. I just... .   All of these things have been weighing on me for a while, and I just needed to get them out. To tell you everything in my soul.

I kept it to myself because I thought, "Maybe you're just being silly, and you'll get over it." But I never got over it. The feelings just kept growing, day by day, month by month. They never lessened and I realized that I just had to get it out and tell you.

ME: *nods* I understand. Thank you

HIM: For what it's worth, I wasn't expecting you to come leaping back from my arms. I only wanted to provide a jumping off point.

ME: *nods* Okay.

HIM: There are two last things.

Number one... .   I believe you are 'the one.' I would follow you the ends of the earth. I will always be yours. I will always love you. Nothing will change that. All you ever have to do is say the word, and I would drop everything to come to you.

Number two, I'm sorry I have to ask this, but it's something I need to know. I need to know, if you still love me, or if you do not.

***

And here I just couldn't do it, because it isn't true. I couldn't say "I don't love you" because I do. But I was in no place to have the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" talk--I was total deer in the headlights. So I told the literal truth:

ME: I do still love you.

I'm not sure how I can properly convey that simply knowing that is like a song in my heart for a thousand years. But those words will have to do.

***

He said he would give me some space, but he had to say those things. He would wait to contact me And now I'm right back on the emotional roller coaster. I took a xanax last night (I am very sick right now) and slept till 3 this afternoon.  I had really, really hoped we had transitioned into loving friends. And the sad thing is, I know I could fall back into this. Part of me wants to... .   going to contact therapists tonight and try to get some clarity on this.

Opinions, thoughts and insights appreciated!

[Changed4safety]

Most of you know my story.  I'm kinda sick of thinking about it (a good sign) so briefly I'll just say that after splitting in December, my ex and I were able I thought to stay friends.  Chatted via texts occasionally, posted funny things to FB, and even supporting each other in a really wonderful and extraordinary way when my cat (whom he had known for five years) was dying of cancer.  I really thought we'd made a tricky transaction. 

About a month ago, he sent me an email, wanting to talk but not right now, in a couple days, wouldn't say about what because he didn't want me to "overthink" it.  This was right as I was heading in to a big business presentation.  I refused to let it rattle me.  The next day, the cat took a turn for the worse, and the "conversation" got dropped.

I had hoped it was over, but he texted me again, wanting to talk.  Figuring I'd just get it over with, and knowing pretty much what he would say, I said let's just talk now.  (BTW, he has just moved to a new place, and has lost his job, and we will be going to the same convention in about three weeks.  He also has type I diabetes with neuropathy, OCD and bipolar, not aware that he has BPD.)

It was what I feared... .   he is still "head over heels in love with me." I said the following:

"You are very important to me. I would not see you in any pain, but I fear that what I have to say is going to hurt you. I cannot be what you want me to be; I've only just started exploring what I need to about myself, and the more I look, the more there is to learn. I'm not ready to be in a relationship, not with you, not with anyone.

I have been enjoying the "new way", the more casual way, we have been relating to one another, and how we came together to help each other with Kitty.

I'd like to continue that, very much.  I'm... .   not sure what to say."

He replied with:

"You've already said it. You don't want me, and nothing I can say is going to change that. I though tthat maybe we could discuss it, but I know now that you're not open to that. So I just need to accept that you and I are ... .   not going to have anything again.

But I do need to at least say some of these things, or they'll haunt me.

You're all I think about, night and day. You're the first thing I think about every morning, and the last I think about when I finally fall asleep at night. I spend my waking hours missing you, but not just you, I miss the "us." I miss the way I could make you laugh. I miss our discussions. I miss making dinner for you and seeing you smile. I miss TV time. I miss joking with you. I miss holding you. I miss making love to you.

I lament that we don't have the opportunity to grow together. I know now that I don't want anyone else, because they're not you. I don't love anyone else, because they're not you. We were so good in so many ways, and though we were bad in others we have both learned how to grow. We have learned about ourselves and how to live and be happy. I feel very strongly that can continue within the context of a relationship, and I very strongly want that person to be you.

I don't know how much time I have left. I seem to be getting sicker and sicker. I'm scared that I might not have a lot of time left. And whenever I think of my future, you're always in it. Whenever I see myself happy with someone, it's always you.

The point I'm trying to make, is that in my head and in my heart- It's always you, [Changed4safety]. Always.

And with all of the talk of "living in the moment" and "being in the NOW" and "making the most of the time we have" ... .   I don't want it to be anyone else BUT you. I want it to be you. Right now and for all the right nows."

ME: What you have said is so beautiful. I'm not sure what to say, how to respond.

HIM: You don't have to. Not right this moment. I just... .   All of these things have been weighing on me for a while, and I just needed to get them out. To tell you everything in my soul.

I kept it to myself because I thought, "Maybe you're just being silly, and you'll get over it." But I never got over it. The feelings just kept growing, day by day, month by month. They never lessened and I realized that I just had to get it out and tell you.

ME: *nods* I understand. Thank you

HIM: For what it's worth, I wasn't expecting you to come leaping back from my arms. I only wanted to provide a jumping off point.

ME: *nods* Okay.

HIM: There are two last things.

Number one... .   I believe you are 'the one.' I would follow you the ends of the earth. I will always be yours. I will always love you. Nothing will change that. All you ever have to do is say the word, and I would drop everything to come to you.

Number two, I'm sorry I have to ask this, but it's something I need to know. I need to know, if you still love me, or if you do not.

***

And here I just couldn't do it, because it isn't true. I couldn't say "I don't love you" because I do. But I was in no place to have the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" talk--I was total deer in the headlights. So I told the literal truth:

ME: I do still love you.

I'm not sure how I can properly convey that simply knowing that is like a song in my heart for a thousand years. But those words will have to do.

***

He said he would give me some space, but he had to say those things. He would wait to contact me And now I'm right back on the emotional roller coaster. I took a xanax last night (I am very sick right now) and slept till 3 this afternoon.  I had really, really hoped we had transitioned into loving friends. And the sad thing is, I know I could fall back into this. Part of me wants to... .   going to contact therapists tonight and try to get some clarity on this.

Opinions, thoughts and insights appreciated!

[marbleloser]

I don't see anything wrong with you being truthful.You can't help it if you love someone. You know you're boundaries,right? Do you know when to back away if/when you need to?

[healingmyheart]

Wow, all I can say is that my ex and I just went through the same thing.  My ex said pretty much the same words to me.  He said he wanted to be "friends" and it quickly turned into I still love you, want you... .   etc.  

I found myself getting sucked back into the situation because I do still have feelings for him.  The last two months since we've been apart, I've been depressed and have felt awful.  After texting him and thinking we could be friends, I started to feel much better again and wanted his companionship.  

He came over the day before Easter with gifts in hand.  I let him in the house and we talked.  I call it "circular debate' because we discuss the same things over and over and we say the same things and essentially get no where.  At some point, he reached over and kissed me.  At first I responded and then I asked him to stop.  I quickly realized where this was going.   After he left, I texted him and told him that I shouldn't have kissed him for friends don't kiss.  I said that I sensed that he wants more from our relationship and I cannot give that to him.  He didn't reply back for hours.  When he did reply, it was so random comment and he avoided the topic.  I never responded back.  

I went to my therapist the next day and she got me back on track.  She is having a hard time understanding my addiction to this man.  She pointed out that essentially I have two choices... .   to go back to this man and continue the cycle of abuse which will ultimately follow or move forward and start finding my own path.  She was very stern.  Obviously, I was sending mixed signals to my ex by allowing him to kiss me but it's so hard when part of you still wants him even though you know it's not for your own good.  

I boxed up his gifts and sent them back to him.  I refuse to respond to texts/emails.  I finally am starting to feel that I am moving forward and deep down I know it's in my best interest to let go once and for all.  

You cannot be friends with an ex BPD boyfriend... .   it isn't going to work at least for the majority of people.  It didn't work as boyfriend/girlfriend and its not going to work as friends.  

I deserve a new beginning... .   I have to release him.  I feel sad for him.  I still sometimes feel the need to want to save him but I can't.  That's very hard to accept but he will find his own way eventually and I need to let go so he can do just that.  

[Changed4safety]

He wants us to give it another try.  I can't.  Problem is, the reasons why i can't will kick-start his whole self-loathing thing.  I can't because for most of the time we were together, he cheated on me with over a dozen women and lied to me, bullied me into spending tens of thousands on his hobbies, lied to my therapist, screamed and raged at me, punched holes in my walls, broke my laptop, and tried to choke me three times.  There's no way i could trust him, not without extensive therapy, and he doesn't even know he has BPD.  

I can forgive, but not forget.  I would lapse back into my old doormat behavior and he into his tyranny.  I had to literally flee, physically, to get away.  

What I want to do is say, which is also truth, that I am too busy working on myself to be with anybody, but I value his friendship and want to keep it.  I guess... .   I'm just scared of his railing against me.  

[Changed4safety]

Healingmyheart, thank you.    

[marbleloser]

"I deserve a new beginning"

Sometimes,it takes trying again to realize this.  

[marbleloser]

"What I want to do is say, which is also truth, that I am too busy working on myself to be with anybody, but I value his friendship and want to keep it.  I guess... .   I'm just scared of his railing against me."

If he rages at you for saying that,then you know you made the right decision.That you're scared he will sounds like you already know the answer,but you're doubting yourself and your instinct.

So,he cheated on you,physically abused you,spent your money,lied to you.What part of that do you think you deserved? If it were someone else,would you still want to be friends with them? 

[healingmyheart]

changed4safety,

My ex had three emotional affairs going on which he denied.  I found factual evidence and he still denied the truth.  He continues to try to lie and deceive me.  He raged at me and my child.  He lived in my house and never once contributed to the finances while I bought the food and cooked it, cleaned house and did his laundry.  He controlled me down to the clothes I wore.  He projected his own guilt on me by accusing me of having affairs while he was the one doing the dirty deeds.  

I don't understand why I would for a minute even entertain the idea of giving this man two minutes of my time.  I am an educated women here but somehow I keep getting sucked back in.  

I think you must forget about him and whatever will happen when you tell him "no".  You must focus only on you and your needs or you will be at risk of getting yourself in even deeper into something which will be anything but healthy.  

[Clearmind]

Opinions, thoughts and insights appreciated!

“Actions speak louder than words”

You have read the words! You have seen the actions!

What are your thoughts Changed4safety?

[Hurt llama]

He wants us to give it another try.  I can't.  Problem is, the reasons why i can't will kick-start his whole self-loathing thing.  I can't because for most of the time we were together, he cheated on me with over a dozen women and lied to me, bullied me into spending tens of thousands on his hobbies, lied to my therapist, screamed and raged at me, punched holes in my walls, broke my laptop, and tried to choke me three times.  There's no way i could trust him, not without extensive therapy, and he doesn't even know he has BPD. 

I can forgive, but not forget.  I would lapse back into my old doormat behavior and he into his tyranny.  I had to literally flee, physically, to get away. 

What I want to do is say, which is also truth, that I am too busy working on myself to be with anybody, but I value his friendship and want to keep it.  I guess... .   I'm just scared of his railing against me. 

I read your first post and felt I could be in either either of you in that conversation... .   I was very moved by what he said to you... .   If I were a twisted type (I would modify it slightly and send it to my ex... . ) (sorry a little humor never hurts!

But when I read this post I was really surprised... . I was leaning towards you trying again... . but after this... .   there are no words... .

Stay strong.

[BradyK]

You wrote:

"I can forgive, but not forget.  I would lapse back into my old doormat behavior and he into his tyranny.  I had to literally flee, physically, to get away. "

His conversation with you about his so-called "eternal love" is very seductive. However, his words juxtaposed with your description of his abuse and mistreatment of you make me sick!

It seems like you are already very clear on what happened and what you need to do going forward to stay sane and safe and healthy.

If he rails at you, what is the worst that can happen?  Are you scared you will lose the new friendship? I agree with marbleloser that if he rages, it's not much of a friendship -- or not a sustainable one --and you will have lost nothing but maybe an illusion.

Are you scared for your physical safety?

[grad]

Sounds to me like you've passed the point of no return and although the loss is painful, you're in control of your actions and are taking the right corrective action.  He knows you're not seeing anyone else and that's when his true colors will come out.  Right now he has hope because he still has a grip on you emotionally and physically.  Think of it like this, that "grip" will eventually become his anger and violence without treatment and therapy, and some maturity on his part but he sounds older so perhaps he's beyond that point of help?

[mtmc01]

It terrifies me that a lot of his pleading with you sounds like some of the things I said to my ex after she left.

[Changed4safety]

"What I want to do is say, which is also truth, that I am too busy working on myself to be with anybody, but I value his friendship and want to keep it.  I guess... .   I'm just scared of his railing against me."

If he rages at you for saying that,then you know you made the right decision.That you're scared he will sounds like you already know the answer,but you're doubting yourself and your instinct.

So,he cheated on you,physically abused you,spent your money,lied to you.What part of that do you think you deserved? If it were someone else,would you still want to be friends with them? 

You're right... .   I'll have my answer.  I just won't ever feel safe with him again.  The cheating did stop, the violence subsided, and the choking only happened when he was adjusting to new meds.  But still... .   he could go from fine to raging in one sentence from me, usually meant innocently.  I deserved none of that, but I permitted it to continue, and that's what I have to work on--not permitting bad things to continue. 

There's a deep well of fondness for him even now, and I was happy where we were.  That's all I can offer him, at least now.  If we are "meant" to be together, we'll find ourselves on the other side, healthier.  But my therapist, when I spoke to her tonight, said, "I'm guessing he'll need about five years." 

[Changed4safety]

changed4safety,

My ex had three emotional affairs going on which he denied.  I found factual evidence and he still denied the truth.  He continues to try to lie and deceive me.  He raged at me and my child.  He lived in my house and never once contributed to the finances while I bought the food and cooked it, cleaned house and did his laundry.  He controlled me down to the clothes I wore.  He projected his own guilt on me by accusing me of having affairs while he was the one doing the dirty deeds.  

I don't understand why I would for a minute even entertain the idea of giving this man two minutes of my time.  I am an educated women here but somehow I keep getting sucked back in.  

I think you must forget about him and whatever will happen when you tell him "no".  You must focus only on you and your needs or you will be at risk of getting yourself in even deeper into something which will be anything but healthy.  

Thank you.  That is indeed what I have to do.  I can't live in that constant state of trepidation.  He's grown and changed a lot, I'll give him that, but I think it's because I've not been part of his life.  I'll trigger him if I go back, and I just can't do that.  I'll just have to tell him no with love, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Changed4safety]

He wants us to give it another try.  I can't.  Problem is, the reasons why i can't will kick-start his whole self-loathing thing.  I can't because for most of the time we were together, he cheated on me with over a dozen women and lied to me, bullied me into spending tens of thousands on his hobbies, lied to my therapist, screamed and raged at me, punched holes in my walls, broke my laptop, and tried to choke me three times.  There's no way i could trust him, not without extensive therapy, and he doesn't even know he has BPD. 

I can forgive, but not forget.  I would lapse back into my old doormat behavior and he into his tyranny.  I had to literally flee, physically, to get away. 

What I want to do is say, which is also truth, that I am too busy working on myself to be with anybody, but I value his friendship and want to keep it.  I guess... .   I'm just scared of his railing against me. 

I read your first post and felt I could be in either either of you in that conversation... .   I was very moved by what he said to you... .   If I were a twisted type (I would modify it slightly and send it to my ex... . ) (sorry a little humor never hurts!

But when I read this post I was really surprised... . I was leaning towards you trying again... . but after this... .   there are no words... .

Stay strong.

Llama, yes, humor helps!   I guess I'm more "conditioned to be afraid" than actually afraid.  It's... .   habit.

[Changed4safety]

You wrote:

"I can forgive, but not forget.  I would lapse back into my old doormat behavior and he into his tyranny.  I had to literally flee, physically, to get away. "

His conversation with you about his so-called "eternal love" is very seductive. However, his words juxtaposed with your description of his abuse and mistreatment of you make me sick!

It seems like you are already very clear on what happened and what you need to do going forward to stay sane and safe and healthy.

If he rails at you, what is the worst that can happen?  Are you scared you will lose the new friendship? I agree with marbleloser that if he rages, it's not much of a friendship -- or not a sustainable one --and you will have lost nothing but maybe an illusion.

Are you scared for your physical safety?

You are all so wise!  No, it's not much of a friendship if he can't accept what I need to do for myself.  I'm 1,000 miles away, so no longer scared of my physical safety.  If we meet at the convention, I will have lots of friends there, but he wouldn't do anything in public to embarass himself.  Just need to make sure he doesn't know what my room is, I could see him wanting to "just talk to me."  As I said in reply to someone else, the violence on my person was concurrent with his adjusting to new medications, but I still don't want to be with someone where there is that risk.

[Changed4safety]

Sounds to me like you've passed the point of no return and although the loss is painful, you're in control of your actions and are taking the right corrective action.  He knows you're not seeing anyone else and that's when his true colors will come out.  Right now he has hope because he still has a grip on you emotionally and physically.  Think of it like this, that "grip" will eventually become his anger and violence without treatment and therapy, and some maturity on his part but he sounds older so perhaps he's beyond that point of help?

Actually he is 30 and I am about to turn 50, so he's the young 'un in this.  He has gotten therapy, but not specifically for BPD.  He's grown and made a lot of changes, I will give him that, but he also hasn't had me trigger him.  Two things he said while raging:  "Your job is to not piss me off," and "You're my significant other, therefore you are my enemy."

My hope is he will continue to grow and learn.  My therapist thinks he needs at least five years.  I am living alone, not dating, in a new place and no friends (even work at home) so perhaps I've reached out more than I should.  But tomorrow, once I have some good sleep underneath me, I'll let him down as lovingly as I can.

If worst comes to worst I can cancel my trip, but I think I'll be OK going. 

Thank you all for your input!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Your job is to not piss me off,"

One thing I've noticed on these forums is that the men with BPD are very different from the women with BPD.

The men seem more needy, yet are bullies.  Because of their size, they're often more scary. 

[Changed4safety]

So this is what I sent him.  I just opened my heart, calmed my mind, and it all just poured out.  I cannot control how he receives it, but it was sent with so much love.

"So I've had some time (and a lot of sleep) to think about our conversation the other day.  I was really scared and worried at first, but as time went on and I sat and prayed with an open heart on it, I lost the fear and worry.   I smiled and knew that all was in harmony with what was, what is, and what will be.

I am suddenly in a state of what feels like true grace.  And from this place, I speak to you only, ever with love, only, ever with a desire for what is best for each of us as individuals on our quest in this life.

I am beginning an excavation long denied; that of myself.  Only recently, in the last month or two, did I even realize there was a "me" there that was not comprised of what my mother wanted me to be, what I wanted to appear as, what other people wanted from me.  My whole life, I was seeking a man in order to become that which would please him.  For a long time I looked into myself and saw an empty chamber.  But now, I am seeing little glimpses.  I am learning to talk to myself kindly.  I stop "catastrophizing" in its tracks more often than not.  I accept where I am emotionally, physically and spiritually, and my focus is on nurturing and learning about myself.  For the first time, my heart is opening to -me-.  This is a process barely begun, and I am loving it, and wish to explore it more.

My old ways of relating to the world and to you and to my mom etc. were often very negative and needy.  I dealt with toxic shame.  I am losing that, and it is beautiful.  It is a most exquisite journey, and one I urge you yourself to take.

God, or Spirit, or Fate, has seen fit to surround you with many friends in many different walks of life.  They love you!  They have so much to share with you!  I cannot be sharing my heart with you now, for I need to share it with me first.  Perhaps you need to share your heart with you!  Be with these friends, and with yourself, and open to all that is coming this spring and summer.  We have grown, yes, but only a little, I at least to not have the healthy habits down strongly enough to open to the love of a partner, not yet.  Now is the time to look at what has rested over the winter, in the dark still time, and what is pushing through the snow, and to love that and nourish that.

I feel like this is almost automatic writing and I'm just letting it flow, letting it flow through me, for me, and out toward you, who will always be someone I love, who will always the be the other bunny.  I love and so cherish this new space we found over the last few months--where we could speak freely without fear, without expectations, just simple pure love and wanting the best for each other, and willing to let the other grow in the way he or she needed to.  I would like to keep that love.

I don't know what you will feel after reading this.  Perhaps you will meet me where I am with a full heart, and we can continue to love one another as friends who have shared things profoundly.  Perhaps a long time from now when our work on ourselves is done, this sweet ocean that will bear us safely now will send us back together.  In the meantime, live, live, feed your body cleanly, exercise it, I'm getting a hit about the drinking you're doing and that you are feeling sicker--that's hard on even a  healthy body, perhaps you should go dry for a month or two, see how that feels to your physical self.  All not only will be well, all IS well, and we will indeed find peace if we seek it.

I love you, I hope to continue to be someone dear to you, but I accept it now if in order to heal and grow you need to not be in contact with me.  Dearest blessings on you, I know good things lie ahead for you, be open to the mysteries and the sudden unexpected gifts.  Love, light, blessings surround you, dear one.

[healingmyheart]

Very beautifully written with lots of love radiating through.  I hope you feel better after writing it.  

I wrote a similar letter to my ex (although not as eloquent as yours  ) but all the same, I told him that we needed to move forward separately and maybe someday in the future we could reconnect.  

Sadly, after the letter he asked to be friends and that's when he tried to recycle me.  My ex does not take no for an answer.  In fact, I just called my phone carrier and had his number blocked (3 months are free for AT&T).  I've hesitated in doing so the past two months since we've been apart hoping he would go his own way but not the case.  My counselor urged me to block his number to protect myself from getting sucked back.

I do hope your ex replies back in a loving manner too and he understands.  If you are comfortable, please let us know how to responds.  

I wish you the best of luck.  You sound like a wonderful person filled with lots of love and I'm sure he was very lucky to have you  in his life BUT now its time for you to focus on YOU  

[Sunshinegirl3275]

WOW... .   Your letter is from your heart   and soul and I truly hope he understands the message and it helps him to heal.

I have been in the same situation as you (several months ago) and it was so difficult to leave someone that loved me with such passion and intensity -- to fix myself, but it's such a deep and profound experience once you get to the other side of healing. Loving yourself more is what ultimately makes you a stronger person and it has made me even more capable of accepting the "right" kind of man when he strolled into my life recently.

I've been thinking about writing a nice letter to my exbf, because I know he is still in pain from me walking away. BUT, his love is more of an obsession than real love for me and I see that very clearly now that my head is out of the fog. I'm not sure if that is the case with your ex, but it seems to be for many BPD men. I found him to be dangerously good at being intuitive to my feelings and NC is the only option for my well being. I wish we could be friends, but it will never be possible and it sounds like most of us try to kid ourselves about how we could be, because we are good people we want to trust. It will always have a dramtic ending if he is in my life and sometimes I just wish that it was different.

Thank you for sharing!

[Changed4safety]

Thank you so much everyone.  He responded quickly, with a text.  He loves to play video games, it's something we share, and he sent me an email with a pic of a ship he had unlocked in Star Trek Online, saying he thought the name appropriate.  The pic was too small for me to read, so when I sent him my note, I asked him what it wast.

He's not posted anything on FB, or replied to me via email.  Just this via text:

"It's the USS (my father's name)."

My dad passed away from cancer in late 2011.  It was a hard time for my ex and me, we were in the process of splitting, and he was having bad issues with his medicine.  He had two psychotic incidents, once before and once right after my dad died.  It was horrible.  He always respected my father, who was a WWII vet, and well, now I'm wrestling for feeling like a b*itch after he did that to honor my dad.

I responded with "Oh... .   that is lovely.  My heart is smiling.  It will fight well and honorably for you." 

Since then, silence.  He has attempted suicide in the past, but this silence is... .   unusual.  I hope he is OK.  My friend said it was an empty gesture, he could rename it anything he wanted, and my friend thinks it was very calculated.

I just love my ex and wish him well, but I can't get involved with him again.  My energy needs to go to me, to heal from this illness, to catch up on work that I've slacked on.  Feel... .   less certain of what I did, now.

[Changed4safety]

He posted on FB.  I am very, proud of him, and still sending love straight from my heart.

"I have a lot of hopes and fears right now. A lot of worries. And some unhappiness. Things are not always what you want them to be. You're not always in a place where you're comfortable.  But, despite all of that, today is a particularly beautiful day."

Then he linked a beautiful, soothing song.  It is called "to heal."

Maybe one day, when we've grown still more, we can be together. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-y_KEEhrL0

[BradyK]

Changed4safety -- I am so glad you are feeling better about your decision. I just want to say that, even if he had posted something entirely different, something dark and hurtful, you still would have done the right thing. Choosing to do what you need to do for your own health and well-being is always a good choice. It is wonderful that you also did it with kindness, and that your kindness seems to have had a good effect. But, you cannot control how he receives it. He may post something different tomorrow. I don't know. But you did the right thing for you. I think you know all that already, so just a reminder! I admire you and support you.

[Changed4safety]

Thank you Bradyk, I always need reminders.  This is a hard thing to recover from.  I'm doing a lot of self-exploration and trusting the "hits" my body gets about what is right, and following that.  There is less and less of the "habit of fear" which is so conditioned.  I hope he continues on this path, I really do, and I know I must continue on mine.  You all are so supportive, thank you! 

[Changed4safety]

Seized with second thoughts.  He's no longer on FB and has gone very quiet... .   this is highly unusual behavior for him. 

[VeryFree]

The men seem more needy, yet are bullies.  Because of their size, they're often more scary. 

I'd rather have a bigger men in front of me than to be attacked again by a female that is a head shorter and weighing 40 pounds less than me.

The bigger guy I can try to take. The little woman not and she knew that!   

[VeryFree]

@C4S

Beautiful written and a very wise decision.

You chose what you had to choose.

Stop worrying. Although you still care (and that means you are a very good person!), he isn't your responsibility. Not now, never been and never will!

So congratulations on a wise decision and good luck with getting on with living. Be yourself and don't let others get to you.

[mtmc01]

That was a beautiful letter. I'd give anything to receive something so heartfelt from my ex after she left me.