Still can't comprehend what she's about to do

[paperlung]

Hi, it's me again. If you've read my story, I'm sure you're well aware of my exBPD girlfriend and our relationship.

For those of you who haven't: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

This is what I wanted to talk about... .   On March 11th, my now ex-girlfriend told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore (haven't heard that before) and that she had been talking on the internet for the past two days with this guy who lives over 14 hours away by car who she met off the porn site she works for. I, of course, was a little surprised, but not overly affected by it. I kept my composure, asked her some questions about him, wished her luck, and then I was on my way. Haven't seen or spoken to her since.

One thing she said though which baffled me was that she could see herself in a LDR with this guy and could also see herself eventually moving to his country to live with him! This was all after only two days of talking to each other! He has already been up here once to visit her for the weekend, and now I've found out that she's planning to take a trip to his country/state next month for I don't know how long. Just... .   how? This is a girl who suffers from extreme anxiety/panic attacks and has NEVER left town before. She wouldn't even want to go camping with me in the summer because she was afraid of being too far away from home, but yet she's now willing to take a 14+ hour car ride across the border with this guy she hasn't even known for very long to a country/place she's never been to before? Mind = Blown. I just can't picture her being comfortable that far away from where she lives. Believe me, I know her well enough. Maybe unless she was really drugged up each day, I can't see her not panicking. I suspect she's still in the honeymoon phase, so this idea of going to a different country to live with her new boy-toy for a while seems dazzling, but when the time comes to pack up and leave... .   man... .   will she?

I know May is still a ways away, and anything can happen till then, but wow... .   If she actually goes through with it, I can't help but feel like I got a raw deal with her because her anxiety stopped us from doing A LOT of fun things. Just seems unfair.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Man, I am so sorry to hear your story. I have 2 ex's w BPD. The one I was with for 5 years sounds exactly like your ex, minus the cam job and dating another guy. She just isolated and tortured me for 5 years basically. Same scenarios: wouldn't get food for herself (even when we lived 2 minutes walking distance from many places to eat), an excuse for everything she couldn't do (read WOULDN'T do), cut herself, threatened suicide constantly (that was a button she pushed because she knew my dad had committed suicide), raged at me, lied to me, broke every boundary I set, and so much more. Last straw was when she accused me of making her smoke marijuana laced with meth. That was really her BPD telling me she had been smoking meth with a guy from our apt. complex that I had caught with her in my apt. when I came home from work early (after she was finally gone he knocked on my door in code, and when I opened the door I told him I would break him in half if he ever knocked on my door again. I think he moved away quickly). Since then she has demonized me to her family, even though they know better and talk to me daily still. It took her about a month and a half to resume contact with me, saying she was living with a friend (but not having sex with him. Yeah right). Since she has resumed contact I have set my boundaries very strongly, and helped her parents get her into rehab. She constantly tries to get me to take her back and I refuse. She ruined so many good things for me, so I get that unfair feeling totally.

Now here's the fun part: I met another BPD right after her! She is a high-functioning invisible one due to her kids and treatment with Adderall. We started as friend's with benefits and it was amazing. For 6 months we carried on and we grew a strong friendship, and began to have very strong feelings for each other. She was the exact opposite of the ex before her: she was calm, happy, kind, loving, thoughtful, and made me feel great. She said I made her feel all the same things and that I was very different from the type of guys she's been with: sleazy, dumb, abusive white trash. I'm a stable, kind, caring guy and she really liked that. We started dating for 2 months after being fwb's, and it was great too. No fights, no drama, all good. Then we became a couple on New Year's Eve and that's when she told me she had BPD. I almost didn't believe her because she was nothing like the ex (I knew nothing of high-functioning invisible vs. low-functioning BPDs at the time). So I told her I loved her anyways and I wanted to be with her. We had an amazing relationship for 2 months. Again, no fights, amazing sex all the time, and we both genuinely loved being around each other. She has 2 kids, and she's a great mom. I've never dated a girl with kids before, so I asked her to take it slow and she agreed. Come to find out later on down the road she had went to a bar one night after I didn't call her to come over soon enough for her, and found they type of guy she's used to: sleazy, white trash D-bag. All basically because her defense mechanism of not wanting to fall even deeper in love with me for fear I would change my mind about wanting a family and abandon them. She was so wrong. I really wanted to be with her forever. She sabotaged our relationship out of fear, her first real BPD episode with me. She started not returning texts, and always having excuses why she was ditching me to hang out so I became suspicious. Checked out her FB profile one day and saw she was with another guy. Messaged him to let him know she had been keeping me on reserve, and even coming over to my apt. one day and making future plans and also initiating making out with me. On top of saying she loved me. He made her accept a call from me and then the BPD was evident. Projecting, excuses, and even some self-prophesizing I think. Weird thing is she was just flustered and mad, not raging and mean at all. Didn't even really say anything harsh to me. I was chill with her and just asked why, and she kind of was honest that it had to do with me possibly not wanting to be with her kids. Although I did. Apparently in under a month this lowlife was amazing with her kids. I probably forced her into making a choice, but she was in the intense, honeymoon, grooming phase with this guy. Me and her had a long, natural friendship before becoming a couple, so I think his clock is ticking pretty fast right now. Anyways, how unfair is that? 2 BPD in a row, one that made my life hell, and one I miss so damn much that my life feels like hell again. It's only been under 3 weeks since I've had NC with the current ex per her wishes. Although she did word the NC request in a way that would leave it open for her to contact me. I'm really afraid she won't get a hold of me as I forgive her, and understand her infidelity was due to an intense abandonment issue rather than to hurt me. I was basically too good for her to stay with, she wouldn't be able to handle losing me, so she found her average white trash, bar d-bag that is just obviously in it for sex. This has been her cycle for most of her adult life it sounds like. I feel bad for her more than anything else.

Hang in there man, I know just about everything is unfair when it comes to BPD r/s. You either stay and endure, or you walk away and don't look back.

[paperlung]

So what do you guys think? Is this just her being impulsive? Trying to run away from facing the pain she caused me (and also the man from England)? Rebounding? I really could use some insightful relief.

[BradyK]

Aw, paperlung, I feel for you.

I can only say that my ex acted in unpredictable "out of character" ways, when he felt like it, and there was little rhyme or reason to it, at least as far as I could discern.

For example: he wouldn't travel via airplane with me to go places on vacation, because of his fear of flying, but a few weeks after we split he flew to a distant city ( a place I had wanted to go with him)  to propose to his new gf.

As for what your ex will do in the future, who can say? I think your energy is better spent focusing on what YOU will be doing in the future. I mean that in all kindness. What are YOUR short term plans for May?

[paperlung]

It just seems so unfair to me if she actually does follow through with this trip. Like I said, I couldn't convince her to go anywhere far away from home with me because she was worried she might have a panic attack (she has agoraphobia).

On top of that, when we were dating, she'd use me to do everything for her or at least with her. Never once did she do anything on her own. But no, now she can walk across the street to get groceries, ect. I guess she really doesn't have much choice since she has nobody to do it for her at the moment, but still... .   wow.

Want to hear something crazy? A couple of months ago my ex called up a psychic. My ex asked the female psychic about me and the man from England and the psychic told my ex that she will not end up with either of us, we are just people in her life leading up to her eventual true love. My ex also asked the psychic how long she thinks my ex is going to be staying in her condo for. The psychic told her she didn't see her living there past April. Guess where she's apparently off to next month? Utah! Just a self fulfilling prophecy? I dunno... .   My ex probably wants to believe it's true, but it's still a little creepy.

[paperlung]

double post

[mango_flower]

My guess is that right now, she's happy as she has the dream.  Until she actually GETS it and realises that reality can't measure up.

It's unfair and it hurts.  I understand about feeling you got the raw deal - I feel that way too - my ex still has issues but has a therapist now and so is getting some help at least - and her new gf is getting the benefits of that!  It seems unfair that she didn't have all of this when we were together... .  

It's so tough but keep reminding yourself why you're better off now.  I'm 5 months out and only in the last few weeks have I started to feel a little better. It takes time, it really does.  And I still have very bad days.

Hang in there, try to focus on YOU. xxx

[paperlung]

My guess is that right now, she's happy as she has the dream.  Until she actually GETS it and realises that reality can't measure up.

It's unfair and it hurts.  I understand about feeling you got the raw deal - I feel that way too - my ex still has issues but has a therapist now and so is getting some help at least - and her new gf is getting the benefits of that!  It seems unfair that she didn't have all of this when we were together... .  

It's so tough but keep reminding yourself why you're better off now.  I'm 5 months out and only in the last few weeks have I started to feel a little better. It takes time, it really does.  And I still have very bad days.

Hang in there, try to focus on YOU. xxx

Thank you. And as BradyK mentioned, too. I don't really have much going on at the moment. Next month I start my summer semester (just taking one class, an English course) and working part-time. I started going back to the gym too, and have met up with some friends here and there. Then of course I'm starting therapy near the end of the month... .   sigh... .   life.

[paperlung]

I just can't for the life me understand what she's doing. It sounds so crazy and impulsive. She already has switched her city on Facebook to Utah (isn't going there till May apparently) and made her relationship with this guy public as well. She's traveling at lightning speed it seems in regards to this "relationship". I can't help but wonder how things will play out for her. It seems destined to fail, but you never know... .   But just wow.