Is it BPD - I used to think yes now I'm not sure

[cal644]

I've posted a lot of the detaching boards but within this last week I don't know if my stbex is having second thoughts.  She has so many of the signs of BPD and has shown more since I filed.  But here are my questions 1. Why doesn't she want to date any new guy - her online relationship was fine but doesn't want to date or meet this guy. 2. Why does she give the mixed singles of I thought we would be together forever - but the next day she wants nothing to do with me. 3. Why does she say her heart and stomach hurts because of the divorce (6 months in now) - but yet she refuses counciling. 4. Why does she say she poor, broke, homeless, heartbroken - but again refuses to take the steps to fix this. 5. Why is it now 6 months latter she actually has appologized and seems like she is willing to take the blame for her actions

The reason I ask this is becuase a lot of her actions/reactions are similar to BPD - but she doesn't want to date - or hasn't moved in and refuses too even meet her texting friend.  She seems to have some regret and take some blame and is just now starting to remember all the good.  Why does her heart hurt if they normally totally drop us out of their lives (which she did for 6 months).  I don't know - I'm confused.  Is she just playing with me - or are these her real emotions and feelings.  Don't get me wrong one day it's one way - the next day it might be totally different.  But I have those emotions too - I still love her, but on days I hate her for what she did to me and her family.

I guess I'm so confused becuase I still hold out hope - so alot of this has me going 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

AS long as she shows three of the symptoms of BPD she most likely has it, but we aren't DRs so we canT diagnoised. she could have something with BPD.

every BPD is differnt so what one person does doesn't mean another will.

my Husband is undiagnoised but has the symptoms of it i just work the tools and skills i learned

that is all you can do. 

[Auspicious]

As Wanda said, we can't diagnose anyone.

There is no single pattern or path for people with BPD. Not all people with BPD cheat. Not all people with BPD rush from relationship to relationship.

Ambivalence and inconsistency in her relationship with you (and in the way she sees her relationship with you) would actually be consistent with BPD.

In any case:

-Having BPD does not equal "no hope".

-Conversely, not having BPD does not automatically mean that there is hope. She might not have BPD, and might still decide not to be with you. That is always a possibility.

[healingmyheart]

It must be normal after the relationship ends to question yourself because I also am doing the same. 

My ex came over with gifts in hand the day before Easter.  He looked so darn normal.  On the surface, no one (not even me) can see the dysfunction.  He is trying so hard to get me back two months later.  I said to my counselor that I have reservations because I don't truly know for sure he has BPD.  Although he seems to fit the criteria there is not a blinking light above his head with confirms it.  My counselor says I'm still in the bargaining stage of grieving and this is why I'm wanting to deny the obvious.  I've been sucked back into his drama twice since we've broken up.  I can't do this anymore. 

Whether he has BPD or not, the fact of the matter is he lies and deceives me with no remorse.  I can't live with a man who does that to me.  I deserve much better. He can move on and do that to someone else now.

[hithere]

I don't know your whole story and like a person says above, you can't diagnose this on a forum but if she has BPD then these are my thoughts.

1. Why doesn't she want to date any new guy - her online relationship was fine but doesn't want to date or meet this guy.

How do you know she is not dating a new guy? She could be playing online with a few guys looking for the right one.

2. Why does she give the mixed singles of I thought we would be together forever - but the next day she wants nothing to do with me.

Maybe she wants to keep you interested in case something does not work out with a new guy.

3. Why does she say her heart and stomach hurts because of the divorce (6 months in now) - but yet she refuses counciling.

She is looking to keep you engaged and playing the victim.

4. Why does she say she poor, broke, homeless, heartbroken - but again refuses to take the steps to fix this.

Same answer as above.

5. Why is it now 6 months latter she actually has appologized and seems like she is willing to take the blame for her actions

Again, she probably wants to keep her options open and realizes to keep you around longer she had to do this.

[briefcase]

Many of our partners are undiagnosed.  Some surely have BPD, some only traits, some have other problems too.  There is no "one size fits all" description of BPD behavior.  For most of us who have undiagnosed partners, we read about BPD and it just sort of fits.   

Do you want to reconcile with her?  Or, continue detaching?

[cal644]

UGH!  I just found out that she is indeed just trying to keep me on the hook.  Do I want to reconsile - yes and no.  I start to move on and detach by leeps - then she pulls this and I think maybe she has finally realized and came around.  The love one day - but today it's hate again once I threw another white flag.  How stupid, stupid, stupid am I? It seems like every 4-6 weeks she does this - just as I start to move on.  She tells me I deserve so much better and she needs to find herself.  Do I know if she is seeing the new guy - honestly I don't - I haven't cared about anything she has done - I didn't care if she was broke, lonely, homeless, heartbroken, in fact I don't care if she is seeing the other guy - if she was it would make it a hell of a lot easier for me to detach... .   then I could move on with no hope or regrets.  UGH! why am I so stupid - why can't my heart catch up with my mind... .   do I agree with her that I deserve better - YES!  but I gave my heart to her - I may deserve better - but I made the choice 20 years ago to give my heart to her and only her - only to have it crushed and smashed since she painted me black... .   UGH!

[arabella]

Is she just playing with me - or are these her real emotions and feelings.  Don't get me wrong one day it's one way - the next day it might be totally different. But I have those emotions too - I still love her, but on days I hate her for what she did to me and her family.

I guess I'm so confused becuase I still hold out hope - so alot of this has me going 

I don't know your ex, so I can't tell you what she's thinking or feeling. I can tell you that my dBPDh really does feel the things he expresses (so far as I can discern anyway, and so far as he confirms when he is feeling well and stable). So while you and I can regulate our emotions and remember how we felt the day before, often pwBPD can't do that - what they feel in the moment is, in their world, absolute and forever. This obviously creates huge drama. My H can't remember how he felt previously nor can he anticipate feeling any differently in the future, so his behaviour is day-to-day, moment-to-moment.

So of course you're confused! But it doesn't really matter if she has BPD or not, something is obviously wrong. You've known her for decades so you're in the best position to evaluate your situation... .   What do you want to see happen here? What would make or break this for you?

[Grey Kitty]

As Auspicious said, there isn't a 100% consistent set of behaviors that all pwBPD exhibit. So questions like "Why didn't she do X the way I've read is normal for a pwBPD?" aren't very helpful.

What is helpful is when our understanding of BPD helps us understand the pattern behind all the crazy-making behaviors.

We can read the lessons here, and use the tools... .   what I've found is that when I do a good job of applying the tools, the behavior I see is better. So I keep working on it the best I can.

What is important is the behavior of our SO, and the way we react to it.

In my case, I found that when I was here, my reading help me better understand what my wife was dealing with, and helped me respond to her in ways that were helpful. So I stuck around these forums.