Hardest Symptom

[whereisthezen]

For me it is projection. Projection is like psychosis. The BPD acknowledge just about all of their thoughts clearly, loudly, incessitantly, but says its the other person. Its the light halfway going on, halfway to understanding except tge other half missing, the part that its them and they are projecting is missing.

Hardest symptom to recover from. Its eerie, abusive and I cant think of any positives.

What is the worst symptom you are trying to get through?

[crazylife]

Gas lighting is the worst for me.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Saying something but expecting the opposite/self-prophesizing. Those two were the worst for me with my 2 ex pwBPD's. With my low-functioning e, she would rage and say she didn't wanna talk, but when I backed off he would be mad that I didn't talk to her to make it better. Simply maddening. With the current ex who's high-functinoning she told me "right now I don't I don't think I wanna talk to you again" after I exposed her to her new guy while she was still with me. This is confusing because not only is it a back door for her ( "right now" ), but it could be also that she does want to talk to me. Self-prophesizing also leads to confusion when they speak of a scenario they don't want to happen, or do, and then they do everything to make it not, or make it, happen. Low-function ex would hint to me everything she was gonna sabotage. The current one (who I do want to reconnect with) aid to me when I confronted her about the guy "What, you think I was going to break up with him and come running back to you?" Now I' confused if that's what she plans on doing or if that was the most hate I was gonna hear from her.

[benny2]

I think the push/pull is the hardest for me. One day I'm the love of his life, the next I feel like nothing more than a friend. Its really hard for me to absorb and even though now I know theres a disorder behind it, it still hurts.

[DJB0531]

Definitely the splitting and the black/white thinking.

I have been her KISA and then her whipping boy, more times than I could convey.

I have watched it happen with her girls over and over again... .   one bad, one good.  Never at the same time.

I am sorry to hear of all the pain that everyone experiences in their own way.

[daze]

Push pull - definitely the worst for me.

[profplum]

for me the biggest frustration is if they refuse to seek any form of medical or professional help despite in the calm times acknowledging they need it

[Cloudy Days]

I think the black and white thinking is the hardest to deal with. The world just does not function in black and white terms. When my husband splits me black I am the worst person in the world. It's the fact that I messed up somehow and if I am not perfect then to him that means I am all bad. So if I burn his dinner, that means I am cheating on him and I have all kinds of secrets I am keeping, because if I'm not white and perfect, I am all bad. It has nothing to do with each other, but he always goes there. Heck I have even tried to explain it to him, He will go from getting mad at me for spending $10 too much to saying if I don't respect him on that issue, then I don't respect him on anything so that means I am cheating on him.

He does it with more than just people too. Everything in his life is either black or white. It's a very flawed veiw of the world.

[bpdmcgee]

Everything. The way he acknowledges and understands what he does when he is in his "good place" (his words), the way he inevitably forgets all that as soon as he is triggered by (anything... .   ANYTHING) he feels offended by.

The exhaustion of it all. The way it it is sucking the life from me.

The insanity of trying couples therapy, only to watch him present his wounded, misunderstood persona, that I sadly watch the counselor get sucked into while admonishing me how better to communicate in less "fighting words" (yah I know, I read that couples counseling would likely not be effective but still wanted to try).

You know what my "fighting word" was today? I said the word... .   never. 45 minutes wasted of my life debating my choosing the word,NEVER, because it made him feel devalued. THIS... .   while he expects understanding for everything because "I know how he is".

I feel like banging my head against the wall with the absurdity of it all. The insanity. I am existing (yes... .   right word... .   NOT living... .   ) in a world of bizarre reality.

And then he demands that I verbally say I am not going to leave him while I am in yet another throe of this twisted reality.

You know what the hardest thing is? Not mattering. Having it be all about him. His blindness to it all. Worried... .   seriously worried... .   that I am with a crazy person.

[benny2]

I know what you mean. I am always rethinking everything I say as I am afraid it will be taken the wrong way. Its crazy! I even had the hardest time finding a birthday card for him as I did not know if he could take a joke. Well I guess I will find out soon.

[defusion5]

Gas lighting is the worst for me.

I agree.  It's affects me physically (feeling weak, sleep disturbances), emotionally (overwhelming discomfort in my stomach, feel fragile, vulnerable, teary,) Spiritually (shaky)

[VeryFree]

I can’t put on above the other. It’s the total package that has been taken me down. The projection is frustrating, the splitting is horrible, the black and white-thinking is irritating, the gaslighting is nervewrecking.

[whereisthezen]

Lying is also really hard, I think in my r/s he really believes he's telling the truth if he is in a certain state and it gets re-written in him mind. Same goes for behaviors, I believe he doesnt always feel that he's done them. Like it may have happened, but not in my life... .   Probably believes it happened like in a dream. Sad.

[WalrusGumboot]

Gas lighting is the worst for me.

I agree with gas lighting. This one, if successful, made me question my own mental health.

[benny2]

I agree with the lying. It does seem in their mind they are telling the truth. So hard to deal with.

[Siamese Rescue]

I am so grateful for this board. I'm here, practically paralyzed, in my bed in tears because of the latest round of his inconsistent behaviors. It's so emotionally exhausting and scary to me I could collapse. The worst for me is the gas lighting and him painting me black in such a sporadic unexplained nonsensical way.

[motherof1yearold]

In order:

Gas lighting

Lying

Projection


So painful... .   makes you feel crazy every time... .  

[healingmyheart]

That's a good question... .   what was the hardest symptom? 

For me, it's hard to really place one above the rest BUT ultimately it was the

LYING/DECEIT that made me leave as well as the VERBAL ABUSE... .   raging.

Now that I know the reality of the disorder which I didn't when I was enmeshed in the relationship, the hardest thing is knowing that he will always live in denial and there is no chance for improvement. 

[funkenstein91]

It's tough to say, but for me the worst of it is that I'm the only one who realizes what she does. Her friends and my family all see her as the sweetest, most wonderful person imaginable. They don't understand her splitting behavior, or the emotional abuse, or her projective or exaggerated behaviors. I'm sure her friends think our relationship fell apart almost exclusively because of me, and my family just thinks she's completely innocent in general. It all makes me feel completely alone in this battle.

[whereisthezen]

Thats certainly a tough one. Ive been there, talk to someone even if its a good friend of yours if you have been keeping it all to yourself.

It changes for me but I find projection and lying ( to where they benefit from deceipt) the hardest.

I've been disconnecting and its began to help. BPD partner still lies a lot but Ive accepted that I am OK to just work on myself right now. He's no longer more important than me. Which I find very freeing.  Little steps help.

Do you journal, it may also give you a place to tell your story if you cant to anyone else. 

[BorderlineMagnet]

The lies are extremely hard to deal with. But you know what? There's a silver lining to that. When they lie you can then decode what they really mean. They tell on themselves all the time. Their lies are actually the easiest way to get the truth you need from them. In my experience, they lie like children, so it's not too difficult to tell when they are doing it. Just don't feel the need to call them out on it. That just makes it worse, because again, like children, they will react in childish ways when they get flustered. Take what you need from their lies to validate those gut feelings you have most likely been having.

[whereisthezen]

Borderlinemag, I'm right with you on that one!

i really know that one for a while now just had to "accept" it which is hard but then relief.

He pretty much says it ALL. Just had to be in it long enough to realize thats what he's doing. I'm detaching from him now, now that I know when he's lying and what the truth is and not asking questions, he I think is wondering why and what Im doing more if that makes sense. I no longer check into his lies because I know he lies, so he now wonders if I care and whats going on with me, is somewhat more attentive so I try hard not to get caught up in that or in him. Breaking my codependency, I have to disengage right now in a heathier way.

[bruceli]

I know what you mean. I am always rethinking everything I say as I am afraid it will be taken the wrong way. Its crazy! I even had the hardest time finding a birthday card for him as I did not know if he could take a joke. Well I guess I will find out soon.

Wow!  I thoght I was the only one with the birthday card dilema :-)  And having to watch every word/ststement.

[rollercoaster24]

God, hi all, where to start?

DR Jekyll at times

Definately the lying

Stealing, and justification for everything they do, including verbal abuse, (no excuses for anyone else though!)

Possibly cheating?

Financial abuse, emotional abuse, and selfishness

Lack of empathy

Self obsessed, braggarts, over opiniated, narcissistic.

double standards

Two faced

Violent, dangerous and agressive

Mr Hyde at others

Sweet, loving funny, generous, giving.

The sheer knowing that you will never find another you will feel this way about again... . especially knowing they cannot help it, but infuriating they do nothing about the havoc they wreak, and the life hours they waste, both of theirs and yours!@!

[rollercoaster24]

But most of all?

When they begin another stage show, and they succeed in bringing you down to where they are... .

It almost seems they are happy when they finally push your buttons enough to get you acting just as crazy as they are... .

Like they know they are totally disordered deep down, (especially at times when they admit it) and they succeed at making the line between your own sanity just as blurred as theirs is!

Sometimes, I just run away!

[forestpeace639]

Silent treatment and stonewalling--hands down. Coupled with recycling.

At least for me, it absolutely tears me up inside. The fact that you keep thinking that someho, maybe you'll say the magic words that will get them to come around. Then realizing that nothing you say is right and that they've completely blocked you out of their life without ending the friendship/relationship you have.

Then, when you're just recovering from being broken over and over again, the come back like nothing's happened. Things get better, then it starts all over again.

This is what I'm currently going through. (I wrote a novel of a first entry in the "introduce yourself" forum . If you're in the mood for reading and helping me out, that would be great haha. The truth is, I don't know what to do with myself. Hello, I'm new!)

[VeryFree]

I know what you mean. I am always rethinking everything I say as I am afraid it will be taken the wrong way. Its crazy! I even had the hardest time finding a birthday card for him as I did not know if he could take a joke. Well I guess I will find out soon.

Wow!  I thoght I was the only one with the birthday card dilema :-)  And having to watch every word/ststement.

No, I had the dilemma too!

Last year I had the best birthdaycard ever: made it myself (she couldn't say I didn't put any effort in it), with pictures from her loved ones (she couldn't say I did it for me), with just kind words without any meaning.

Guess what her reaction was?

.

.

.

I have not got a birthdaycard from you... .    :'(

[VeryFree]

I can’t put on above the other. It’s the total package that has been taken me down. The projection is frustrating, the splitting is horrible, the black and white-thinking is irritating, the gaslighting is nervewrecking.

Rereading I think I have the most difficulties with her lack of empathy, the lack of conscience. Without that all the other things wouldn't be possible.

[AJ Wrangler]

For me it is the inappropriate anger and rage outbursts anytime I don't do or say what she "expects". It makes me stressed out and I feel so much stress I can barely breathe.

I don't know if this is considered a symptom, but the hardest thing for me to accept, that really makes me want to leave her, is the her manipulative, controlling ways, making me feel like I have no way out.

AJ

[hellokitty4]

There should be a "like" button here because I agree with all the comments.

For me it's the push/pull, the double standard,, the never ending finger pointing, the constant blaming even when I really didn't do anything wrong, the anger, the irrational thinking, jealousy... . She is wired different.