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Author Topic: Hardest Symptom  (Read 2835 times)
SadWifeofBPD
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« Reply #90 on: June 01, 2013, 02:21:40 PM »

Excerpt
Reading all the posts about circular arguments reminds me that we are all in the same boat.  AND it has a hole in the bottom.  Sometimes we can bail fast enough to stay afloat and sometimes we start to sink.  

Exactly, we're fighting a losing battle.  I realize that those with BPD children don't have much choice, but anyone else (especially those who are dating), should really think long and hard before deciding to continue these relationships because you can get to a point (children, money, etc) where leaving becomes very difficult.


Excerpt
I have found there is no hard and fast rule with circular arguments.  What works on one occasion may not work the next.  Everything depends on how THEY react... . how upset they are, what the topic is, how many times the same argument has been revisited, what has been tried in the past to resolve issues, etc.  The list goes on and on.  

Exactly, much depends on where they are emotionally.  If they've already had a couple of things annoy them within the last few days (or few hours), they will not be rational no matter what. 

I've also found that it can depend on who's around. H doesn't want to lose his relationship with our older son, which is very precarious right now, so if that son calls H on his craziness, H will sometimes admit it or at least "back off".  However, there have been times when older son can't calm him down, either. 

Excerpt
It is all about them.  Even when they dismiss our solicited point of view or suggestion as to what we would do, even when we commisurate and validate, even when we praise them for coming up with a solution on their own, there is no guarantee they will follow through.  Sometimes they will do the exact opposite.

Yes, it is all about them.  We can calmly discuss a plan, he can totally agree to it, but then the day will come for the plan to be implemented  and if he's no longer in the mood or has received a golf invite, then off he goes to do what he wants (usually after he's picked a fight so he can justify his behavior.)

Excerpt
While they often reject our attempts to help, it gives them things to think about, and I believe they do consider all the options.  They want our input but find it condescending and patronizing at the same time.  They need to be in control.

Yes, yes, yes.  H will complain that he's being treated like a little kid.  H likes to do things "his way" (because it's all about him), so instead of getting up at a decent time to do some chores H will sleep in til 2pm, eat, shower, go to the gym, and then say it's too late to do the chore.



Excerpt
The long and short of it is that there is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with circular arguments.  Often the topic of the argument is not the real issue at all.  They want us to know how they FEEL.  They want to vent and they need us to just listen.  

Circular arguments are exhausting but they can be productive if we invest the time and effort to find out what they are really about.

Yes, they want us to know how they feel, because they "feel" more, the "hurt" more.
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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #91 on: June 01, 2013, 07:28:46 PM »

Excerpt
The long and short of it is that there is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with circular arguments.  Often the topic of the argument is not the real issue at all.  They want us to know how they FEEL.  They want to vent and they need us to just listen. 

Circular arguments are exhausting but they can be productive if we invest the time and effort to find out what they are really about.

This is important as it takes the argument out of it, you dont need to be right or have the last word, and as you know they are not taking stuff in, so no point saying it. Go find something else to do if you can

Excerpt
we are all in the same boat.  AND it has a hole in the bottom.  Sometimes we can bail fast enough to stay afloat and sometimes we start to sink.

 

and we have a crew member who is busily trying to knock another hole in the bottom while we are trying to deal with the first one. If it sinks its your fault for not bailing fast enough, and they make you believe it is too.
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
maxen
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« Reply #92 on: December 03, 2013, 09:46:16 AM »

the victimology, which infuriated me, which is a bad response to have, especially to a pwBPD; and the projection, which just left me gawping and JADEing.

The insanity of trying couples therapy, only to watch him present his wounded, misunderstood persona, that I sadly watch the counselor get sucked into while admonishing me how better to communicate in less "fighting words" (yah I know, I read that couples counseling would likely not be effective but still wanted to try).

this too. all she did was put the needle back at the start of the record every time, while the marriage T responded to me by chiding "now, maxen, say that again without the sarcasm," as she called it.
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Surnia
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« Reply #93 on: December 03, 2013, 10:09:53 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.
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