"Reality Distortion Field" - I

[goldylamont]

CryingWings, what your exbf is doing is so mean, you don't deserve it.

Have you guys ever heard that it takes half the time to get over a relationship as the time you spent in it? I kind of like that saying, and i feel it gives more time to heal. i'm about 1yr out of a 4yr r/s, so about halfway there! 

[goldylamont]

HERSEXISAWEAPON HISSEXISAWEAPON

i wanted to start a new thread on this. hersexisaweapon just came to me. i truly feel that BPDs in r/s use sexuality as a weapon, maybe because it was used against them, when they were too and they never healed? i did some artwork with pencil and drew a big cartoon, nothing at all explicit, but after i looked at it, this cartoon devilish face with HERSEXISAWEAPON scrawled over the top it was scary, i was scared someone would find it. i put it in the shredder. at some point i think i'll start a new thread on this but i want to think about it b/c i don't want it to get explicit as it need not be to understand. but seeing those words scrawled out in all caps in pencil just made me draw back a moment, see what i was dealing with.

but, perhaps something to think about. b/c i see it time and again, boy or girl, they use their sexuality as WMD's, no?


i don't even want to write this; but i'm pretty sure i mentioned this before, but i didn't find out about BPD until a few months ago, almost a year out of the r/s, 4-5 months NC. my ex's roomate (woman) wanted to meet with me saying that "i think something is wrong with her". after talking with the roomate, who, i dunno her too well, but i could tell she was really affected by their arguments. i was shocked, never thought she'd act wild like that with a plutonic, woman friend. i thought it was confined to r/s with men (and only those who she professed to "love". and, this thought didn't occur to me until a while after i spoke with the roomate, but i feel my ex totally used hersexisaweapon on her roomate. the roomate told me that my ex would have really, really loud sex, that it almost sounded fake. and that she (roomate) would bring it up, kind of in a  light-hearted way, and that my ex would just say "oh we're just gal roomies, that's what we do, right?" and smile. but the honest part of me that doesn't want to believe it feels that my ex was punishing her roomate, making her feel low, insecure for not having a man. the roomate is a cool gal, funny and cool personality. but my ex is a real looker, most guys fall all over her. she comes across as so down to earth, but i really feel like she smiled and laughed as "friends" with her ex-roomate all the while just trying to make her feel like lonely scum. this isn't something the roomate admitted or said, perhaps it's just conjecture, but, i just feel it's true. i never thought my ex would act like that towards another woman, these were things i never saw when we were together. i've heard several *women* friends of mine say that she was "more stable" when she was with me, go figure

[goldylamont]

CryingWings i put your quotes in italics

... .   including that he was going to embark on sexual liaisons with his exes because life had to "go on" right and I'm just being honest and letting you know". He then ensured to tell me that this should however not interfere with us being best friends and family because I will always be his best friend in the entire world and I've always been family to him. He continued to tell me that it shouldn't make any difference if we can't be together in "that way" because we were first best friends and family to one another.

... .   Either way I'm the target and he is the machine gun.  

hissexisaweapon

but, that's really all they have going for them if you think about it... .  

I surmise that I can NEVER be my exes friend, best friend or family because it is just a manipulation from his part. I can't speak for anyone else clearly but I'm sure we can all figure it out in our own cases. Not only is it a manipulation to not be ever accountable, responsible or even conscious of the things he has done, continued to do or perpetrated against me but at the same time it is keeping me as his objects so that he can continue to be 'fed' in some way.

very power hungry. soul eaters. i truly feel this in quite a literal way, that they eat the energy of souls because in many ways they lack a true knowledge of themselves. it fills a void (for about 10 min, but leaves a void in us for much longer). this is very, "othering", by the way, i realize calling a person a soul-eater can sound powerless or as if lashing out. i don't mean to say that they are like this all the time... .   whatever. what i'm trying to say, ok, sometimes is that they suck the life force out of you. and, for what? is what confuses me. if someone steels my wallet i'm thinking at least they get to have some fun with the money but stealing energy... . where does it go? perhaps a temporary relief? it's cheap, wasted on nothing is how i feel. and our bodies are frantically trying to tell our thoughts "no nono no! don't give up no mo energy!"

It isn't about being genuine best friends or having a genuine sense of having a bond that feels like family. It has no bearing in truth because he was never truly able to be that to me. How do I know that? Because of how he treated me in the relationship.

let's say we forgive and forget everything from the past r/s, just for fun--let's just take the last phone call and analyze that. that was so mean and cruel. i had to deal with a lot of this throwing sex with other people in my face too. you're instincts are right, and he is being wrong. this sucks CryingWings i understand  

What exactly am I hanging onto here with this dream?

there were real, true, amazing good times i'm sure you had together. true for him too, or he wouldn't go through the trouble of continued manipulation to keep you around. i think the hardest thing for me to accept is the dual reality of it all. it's good to look at all the bad though for a while to keep things in perspective. but, give yourself credit CryingWing i'm sure a lot of love you felt with this person came from a true place of your own integrity. if this type of r/s happened over and over with you then that would be one thing, if not though, even though you're seeing his true colors now (afterwards even more, like me), i'm sure there are moments you enjoyed b/c of *your* beauty, love and kindness. and i'm sure he appreciated it... .   and then tries to skewer you b/c of it  

Illusions are mighty powerful because they are everything we want to believe with all our hearts. Ultimately it all boils down to a dream that simply never was on his part and in mine only in different ways.

i know, in retrospect to what i said above this is also truth, a truth our bodies have been screaming to tell us for some time, but only come to the surface when we have distance. sad but true. good for you for SEEING it! that's half (er... . hum, 1/5? of the battle?  

If we could really be friends then he would never have abused me like he did

like he's still doing now, like in your last conversation. i don't want to bring back the bad memories, just that for me sometimes i start looking at the past and seeing some wrong things i did also and do some self-gaslighting. not that i didn't make mistakes... .   my point being, you could just take the last "friendly" conversation and analyze it and it will tell the same story of the whole r/s... .  

i can say the same in my situation too.

[goldylamont]

oh CryingWings i just had this thought about what you mentioned before:

Illusions are mighty powerful because they are everything we want to believe with all our hearts. Ultimately it all boils down to a dream that simply never was on his part and in mine only in different ways.

Illusions ARE mighty powerful because they are everything we do believe with our hearts. Everything is an illusion, even beauty, peace and true love. What makes any illusion true is our belief, our faith in the illusion. faith in bad is as strong as faith in good if the faith is of the same conviction. so, it's up to us to dream wisely.

[Surrender]

oh CryingWings i just had this thought about what you mentioned before:

Illusions are mighty powerful because they are everything we want to believe with all our hearts. Ultimately it all boils down to a dream that simply never was on his part and in mine only in different ways.

Illusions ARE mighty powerful because they are everything we do believe with our hearts. Everything is an illusion, even beauty, peace and true love. What makes any illusion true is our belief, our faith in the illusion. faith in bad is as strong as faith in good if the faith is of the same conviction. so, it's up to us to dream wisely.

Beautifully put Goldylamont... .   all of your assessment. Really helps and yes a part of the power my ex had was that our bond was so intense and our good times were amazing. The only problem was that it was both extremes either amazing (the running joke was that we were so closely synched that we were like Siamese twins) or it was a pure living hell.

Sex is really all they have and I keep recalling my ex explaining in detail how every encounter he ever has was always with model types and drop dead gorgeous chicks that guys would kill for. The whole Narcissism sex thing when he would speak about ALL his encounters, relationships seem to be huge exaggerations but in his mind that is how he saw it. He would say things like "I'm only ever with drop dead gorgeous women" or "the only women that are attracted to me are model types". The whole thing was weird and convoluted. 

What remained consistent throughout was that if we were out in public his mood would shift instantly if men stared at me or God forbid came to speak to me if he was in the loo or when at the beach in the water without me. Then this shift would bring on his insecure (jealous) rage just because of that event. That flavor of the moment would last days sometimes in his emotional mood swings, emotional dysregulation and rages.

Like your post said about the hand... .   he was obsessed with the notion of always needing to have the upper hand of power in the r/s. To prove this point he did not want to tell me that he Loved me too often because he didn't want it to go to my head. He didn't tell me that I was beautiful because in one of his lucid moments he said that "I didn't need to be told that because it would just go to my head and he had to keep me humble". Well I've never been a superficial person but when he would say things like that it was more about him and his own insecurity.

If he told me I was beautiful, then he would appear vulnerable and it would be too obvious. (which is what he confessed in a lucid jealous moment) Same with the love thing so I would play the same game on him. Drove him nuts because the narcissist hated that and wanted to be told how much I loved and needed him. Well I would say nothing and finally he would break and be the one to 'out of the blue' come over to me put my face in his hands look into my eyes and say "do you love me? Do you need me?" "how much do you love me?" I would respond by repeating his questions.

Emotions of love were tough for him to talk about or express verbally.

I started to take notice that we had to be literally immersed in each other for him not to react to other people's reactions. He spent his entire time assessing everyone's reaction to me to himself and to us.

These shifts were instantaneous and I could never figure out what the triggering cause was. It was like the wind literally shifting out of the blue and there it was yet another blow. I came to wait for these 'blows' because they happened often just couldn't ever predict when or where. Everything would seem totally normal and you wouldn't have a clue and then suddenly his face would change and the blow would hit and there it was Mr. Hyde from Hell.

Great experiences definitely. Did he have incredible charisma? Absolutely. Did he hook me in? Yes... .   can I see more clearly now that I have not had contact for 3 weeks and 4 days... .   Yes thank God but I still have a long way to go.

What you said about 'illusions' and our faith in them is so true. I see so many parallels in Hurt llama's accounts, in your accounts Goldylamont and in the way we fight to process this 'truth' so that we can be truly free of the lies.

[sunrising]

hersexisaweapon

but, that's really all they have going for them if you think about it... .  

This would be good for it's own thread, Goldy, and I suspect there would be similar conversation to your "It was the looks... .   that's about it" thread a while back (I was around for that one under a different name).

This is going to be a difficult issue for me to overcome.  There is no question that physical attraction has been the primary motivation for the beginning of... .   well... .   all my relationships.  And if that physical attraction results in a strong, passionate physical connection, I have become rather blinded to other things.  Never more true than with my exwBPD traits... .     I know the mature & responsible thing to do is abstain from physical intimacy until such time as I've come to know a woman more personally, so as not to have my judgement clouded by sex, but the reality is I've never done that.  I don't think I've even tried it.  In other words, my relationships become physical far too quickly.  I can be well into (as far as time goes, months... .   ) a relationship before I've thought about much else than: 1) Good sex? 2) Is she fun/ funny?  Priorities in reverse order... .  

I've seen a woman a few times in the last couple weeks and our physical relationship propelled far past our emotional or  intellectual relationship in... .   well... .   hours.  I'm pretty sure I've conditioned myself to consider a physical relationship or encounter with an attractive woman as an accomplishment.   For whatever reason(s), I seem to have become more adept at this "accomplishment" as I've aged.   The problem is, the accomplishment no longer matches my goals.  It seems possible that a relationship which becomes physical quickly is less likely to result in the type of relationship I want: True, adult love and intimacy.  I've definitely got some work to do.   

[Hurt llama]

Hurt llama i wanted to say that everything i'm saying here, to you or anybody else, i'm really also saying this to myself. each of our situations are different and i want you to know that i recognize that.

the only reason any of this hurts so much is because these people were truly amazing in many ways in our lives. i never mean to discredit this. what i am working towards is redirecting my energies toward finding those same amazing qualities elsewhere.

and, dammit, we should hurt. this is what good people do  

Funny, I'm going in the other direction now... .  

Same clowns, different circus. "Amazing people"... .   No, not really.

I am tired of thinking good memories or even bad. I'm just tired of thinking.

The real question is how, even though I recognised her sickness and the fact she made me feel unsafe, why did I continue in this dance of dysfunction?

Part of it is exposure to the enemy. And 'enemy' or abuser is a healthier way to look at them than with the sense of some hidden 'greatness' or beauty in them. We suffer from "Stockholme Syndrome".

I rather see her as some sort of monster, than a misunderstood child.

When in fact, it really doesn't matter. This is not my first rodeo as they say, there's nothing so special about being with a BPD other than being on a high, an exciting ride that makes you sick but you either never want it to stop or if it does stop you want to get back on. Round and Round it goes, wherever it stops, is a place you've been before and go back again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=av4x6nZlefc

There's nothing good there really. The good we see in these creatures is the way we rationalize why we stay in Crazy Land.

My ex is not Satan, sure, but as long as she is this detached creep (love that word that she hates more than any... . wonder why) and doesn't show empathy, etc. there's nothing else to talk about with her.

There is good in almost every person. Try imagining your ex as not beautiful and rather as ordinary at best. How much of their so called 'charisma' is just manipulation and a need to control? Just about all of it. We romantize the abuse in my opinion. Because even in my ex BPD high functioning (this cannot be high functioning actually), the dynamic was almost a non stop struggle for power and veiled criticism and judging even the smallest of things, all to dominate and oppress.

My job is to make her irrelevant and get stronger because she is dangerous by definition... . She will never go away. Ever. Except if  I let her back. Then she will have the "Hand' and she drop an ice bomb and deadpan tells me something like "No easy way to say this Llama, I am back with (fill in the blank). You are a wonderful man. We are like family. Special friends". You are my soulmate. You love me, you really do!

[Surrender]

That was awesomely put Hurt llama  

Conan the Barbarian always said "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger".

In many ways this whole experience has opened my eyes to a deeper level of understanding with regards to not only this disorder but our own natural responses in what surfaces from the many things we have buried along the way.

[Hurt llama]

That was awesomely put Hurt llama  

I had inspiration.

Replay memories and see them through the perception I described in my Crazy Land Helter Skelter rant. I think doing that is helping me 're - order' the experiences and seeing my BPD crazy more accurately and how never really did I feel safe and relaxed. I was high. Pure and simple.

( I refer to my ex BPD partner as "Crazy" with all due respect. Or better said. None at all.) 

[Surrender]

and how never really did I feel safe and relaxed. I was high. Pure and simple.

Another huge light bulb moment when I read your synopsis.  

You hit the nail on the head and that was why I felt addicted to him but I also felt this very same thing coming from him as well. So in essence the addiction was coming from each other and we were 'feeding' it together.

[Hurt llama]

and how never really did I feel safe and relaxed. I was high. Pure and simple.

Another huge light bulb moment when I read your synopsis.  

You hit the nail on the head and that was why I felt addicted to him but I also felt this very same thing coming from him as well. So in essence the addiction was coming from each other and we were 'feeding' it together.

Yeah, I had a few light bulbs go off as I have been writing! I remind myself always that when I think of this (true) dynamic of 'us' feeding off of each other, I always remind myself of all of the successes I have had and do have in my life. I did this to remind myself that I am not as screwed up as her. That when she got this smug arrogant superior air and spoke down to me (always in defense of my disgust of her disgusting relationships with ex's and male friends and men in general yuck) I think of my past girlfriends and wife and how I have zero, not one unreconciled or weird vibey relationship, not with ex's, not with friends or ex friends and not in business. I don't do 'weird creepy' well. I am always very direct in all my relationships for better or worse.

I guess I often felt myself drifting into her Reality Distortion Field and to pull away from it, I would remind myself that she was right. I was the best man in the world and she can spend the rest of her life trying to find what we had with another ... .   and guess what?

What did we really have?

We existed as we did because of my ability or my boredom (really) in my life and that I suppose I was into The Hand as she was. That I had made my life before her in the world of proving myself. Doing battle and usually winning... .   and for the first time I confronted being devalued, destroyed, cut off at the knees, cremated, crucified, decimated by the realization that I was human, that my soulmate my Llama (we were llama together dont throw up please... .   ) could so 'easily' hurt me to the core and be with another man and make sure I knew by disappearing.

I cried like a baby when I found out... . I couldn't stop weeping like a little child... .   never in my life did I feel so much pain... .   and all she said was... . "I don't think we should break up, I should visit you as planned"

And when she saw my great life, my house, my family and we had sex on the bathroom floor... .   she said to me (I was expecting the usual platitudes but said "You know Llama, if you are not as experienced as I thought you were, it's ok to tell me"

What? She said what? OMG I am just remembering these buried memories! I was flabbergasted. Confused. What? She said what?

And we actually did talk that one out and she said that seeing me with family and in the real world she was scared and that I was a fantasy before that. I guess I understood but through the lense of knowing it was yet another grab for power, now I see it was much more than what it first appeared to be. In other words, my first instant reaction of feeling unsafe, thrown off balance was the correct one.

So yeah, maybe we 'fed' off on another but much more importantly, it was abuse and abuser and it was a form of mental manipulation and a play for power. Sure I understand the dynamics and the 'why's" she is this way. That as an abandoned child by her mother at a very young age, left with her sisters to be raised by a father who committed incest, that my ex who probably had a genetic predisposition for BPD was in full blown trauma.

And probably her mother and father and their parents on both sides before them all had a wild, crazy and sick abuse going on for generations.

Yes, as compassionate people and I think the majority of members here lean towards empathic as it's a 'prefect fit' for a Perfect Storm. And as a decent loving person, I may call my ex Llama mate names and try to summon up 'hate' but as I told her many times and is true right now... .   I never hated her... . not one time. I hated her actions and ultimately after I am done going through machinations in the healing process, I will never feel anything but a sadness for her. But she is dangerous to me as long as I buy into the illusion she lives in.

In truth I am immune. I always was really. Not from pain of course but of making a fatally bad mistake. Once she cheated on me and disappeared so that I was left with figuring it out, on some levels it was a game to be with her to make believe with her and to play a complex game of multi dimension strategy like chess, and I could never lose but I underestimated the effects and was drawn in and was really keeping myself on  the high.

Ouch.

[Surnia]

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