Does anyone else have a LIST?

[T.I.P.]

Has anyone made a list of all of the things they have done wrong, said wrong, thought wrong  (according to your BPD significant other) since you have known this person?  Just when I think that I have remembered them all a few more come to mind.  Of COURSE I am committing new infractions every day so the list will never be finished! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MockingbirdHL]

T.I.P.  - I've thought about making such a list many times ... .  As recently as today actually!  I even started one once but destroyed it in fear that my dBPDh would find it ... .  Then I'd have to add "making lists" TO the list!     

My list would be pretty long and would include things like:

* spending too much time at the gym

* leaving water in the bathroom sink

* supposedly treating my daughter differently than his

* going out with friends

* my supposed lack of parenting skills

* buying things and not telling him (like necessary clothing)

* watching reality tv

* reading my email too much (it's a company phone and I'm expected to reply all hours)

* not sitting close enough to him on the couch

* cheating (which I've not done but he's deathly afraid I will so obsesses over it)

 

I could go on and on ... .  

[TigerEye]

One thing that many members here have found to be useful is to keep a journal. It can help in a few ways, both to remind you of the things that happen on a day to day basis, but also to keep a check on what you are doing to improve the situation for yourself. Focusing too much on the negative things that our pwBPD do can lead to anger and resentment, which as those who have come before you will tell you, is really not going to help your situation.

As you learn more about this disorder and get to understand your role in this relationship, assuming by the fact that we're on the staying board that you want to have a better r/s with your SO, you will find that your focus needs to be as much on you and how you deal with the situations which come from being in a r/s with a pwBPD, after all, we don't have the power to 'fix' or 'change' our SO, but we do have the power to change ourselves, and that can have a positive effect on our r/s.

As you navigate your way through the TOOLS and LESSONS provided here it, it is useful to make a note of what works and what needs practice. Keeping a journal is a great way to chart your progress as well as becoming a good reference should you ever reach a point where difficult decisions about the r/s have to be made. Posting here is also a great way to get a perspective on how your doing, so keep it up, we're all here to help each other.

[T.I.P.]

TigerEye

I understand what you are saying about not focusing too much on the negative, but I must say that after being married 10 years to a BPDW I don't think I could possibly be any more angry and resentful.

1.  I live with a person who at any moment for any or NO reason can change her demeanor toward me, from kind or indifferent to treating me like I just tortured and killed her favorite pet.

2.  I live with a person who continually, CONTINUALLY, reminds me of my past failures, current faults, and all the things that she dislikes about me and that "disgusts" her as she reminds me she just doesn't like me.  Compliments - NO WAY!

3.  I live with a person who does not see the jagged piece of glass that she clutches tightly in her hands and causes her and others a great deal of pain while completely denying that it even exists or is a problem. 

4.  I live with a person that freely accepts love, affection, affirmation, compassion, and acceptance but because of BPD cannot or will not reciprocate the same.

5.  I live with a person who thinks that we are all responsible for our own emotions and reactions and letting someone else effect either means you are weak.   

6.  I live with a person who cannot be wrong!

7.  I live with a person who if 50 people told her A and she believed B, the 50 would be wrong, have issues, or just not know all of the information about why it is B.

8.  I live with a person who complained for 9 and a half years that our marriage was horrible, how she just didn't like me enough, how she desparately wanted a divorce.  After almost 10 years together I finally agreed and signed my name to a blank divorce decree (she could have what she wanted) she calls me 5 - FIVE days later and wanted to reconcile. WOW!  Now she just complains about how I didn't fight hard enough for the marriage! UNBELIEVABLE

I could go on and on!  Angry and resentful? YEP  Does that help? NOPE  Am I happy about the 100%-0% arrangement? NOT AT ALL

I just think that anger and resentment is unavoidable when faced with such an ugly beast such as BPD!

Thanks for listening

T.I.P.

[bruceli]

I keep a numerical journal on a calander that is number coded so as I may be able to track her disregulation cycle.  I have been able to track it between every two/two and a half to three weeks.  Helps me get ready for the bad times.  It really helps to be prepared.  BTW, love the list T.I.P... .    Thanks

[MockingbirdHL]

I kept a journal for a while. He found it and read it. Now I don't feel safe doing that anymore. It's made me so paranoid!

T.I.P.  your post ROCKED!

[iamconfused]

I kept a list for a while, but I found that it doesn't help ME.  Yea, I would list all the horrible unjust things that my BF did, And I would look back and see all the insanity.  Now I journal and try to find the 'me' in all of this.  He can do what ever and say what ever he feels but it doesn't make it right, nor does it make it my life's work to make it just.

Like my BF says - he want everything even-Stephen between the two of us.  But the way I see it, he wants everything to always tilt in his favor.

You will go crazy trying to make lists to prove them wrong and prove that you are right.

[BlushAndBashful]

I had to laugh, because I never had to make a list- he made them for me.   

Mind you, I was practically perfect in every way and he couldn't think of one thing I could improve on- until he broke up with me, and then he would send me pages of everything I had done wrong since the beginning of time- including calling off our wedding because, among other things, four years (?) earlier I had let my toddler run around outside wearing only a diaper, and he was extremely creeped out at the time and questioned my parenting skills.

[sadeyes]

I can't keep a journal/list because it is too emotionally upsetting to me. I remember enough to really bring me down. Occasionally I come across something that reminds me of something really upsetting. I, in a way, re live it. If I am Committed to staying, which I am at the moment it is less painful for me if I forget some stuff.

[MockingbirdHL]

Sadeyes - I can totally relate to what you said. Right now I'm committed to staying; I hope I get that chance. The past couple of days of constant thinking have made me remember several examples of things that he DID do that I questioned, he assured me they wouldn't happen again, and I've basically forgotten about because (a) I try not to live in the past, and (b) I believed and trusted him.

I don't want to start obsessing about those things now, and try and work out whether they really stopped or not. I don't go through his phone, email etc. that's not me. I can't live with the what ifs every single day. Well, except the "what if this causes the next explosion?" 

[Vindi]

i keep my list, where no one can find it... .  yes, the list is long, hoping the list someday will make me break my coda cycle with him and end it... .  the list is crazy, the list has alot of verbal abuse, the list has so many bad things on it, but i read it and say... .  i will not put up with this,but i still do... .  its sad... .  one of these times this list will make me strong! and if I didn't have this list i know i would forget all the times things happened.

[Auspicious]

A list of things to be upset about is probably not all that useful, if the plan is Staying.

[briefcase]

TigerEye

I understand what you are saying about not focusing too much on the negative, but I must say that after being married 10 years to a BPDW I don't think I could possibly be any more angry and resentful.

1.  I live with a person who at any moment for any or NO reason can change her demeanor toward me, from kind or indifferent to treating me like I just tortured and killed her favorite pet.

2.  I live with a person who continually, CONTINUALLY, reminds me of my past failures, current faults, and all the things that she dislikes about me and that "disgusts" her as she reminds me she just doesn't like me.  Compliments - NO WAY!

3.  I live with a person who does not see the jagged piece of glass that she clutches tightly in her hands and causes her and others a great deal of pain while completely denying that it even exists or is a problem.  

4.  I live with a person that freely accepts love, affection, affirmation, compassion, and acceptance but because of BPD cannot or will not reciprocate the same.

5.  I live with a person who thinks that we are all responsible for our own emotions and reactions and letting someone else effect either means you are weak.  

6.  I live with a person who cannot be wrong!

7.  I live with a person who if 50 people told her A and she believed B, the 50 would be wrong, have issues, or just not know all of the information about why it is B.

8.  I live with a person who complained for 9 and a half years that our marriage was horrible, how she just didn't like me enough, how she desparately wanted a divorce.  After almost 10 years together I finally agreed and signed my name to a blank divorce decree (she could have what she wanted) she calls me 5 - FIVE days later and wanted to reconcile. WOW!  Now she just complains about how I didn't fight hard enough for the marriage! UNBELIEVABLE

 

Hi TIP, we really do understand this.  We've lived it too.  I came here after about 15 years of marriage and could have pretty much posted this, word for word.  I remember the pain, anger and resentment very well.

Its easy, and sometimes a little satisfying, to focus in on all the problems caused by the person with BPD (and they do cause a lot of problems).  But since we can't change them or make them do anything, it's easy to get lost in the negative thoughts (don't worry though, we all spent some time thinking about the negatives, at least at first).  

Ultimately, the key to a better life for you is to focus and think about the first three words in each item of this list ("I live with . . ."  What is your role in the relationship?  Think about your boundaries. Think about why you sit and listen to her when she dredges up all your past mistakes, finds unfair fault, or rages.  You have a choice in what you will and will not accept in this relationship.  She doesn't get to call all the shots (even if she wants to and thinks she should).  

Stick around, read the Lessons, and focus on yourself.  Life will get better.      



 

[arejay]

I live under the shadow of "the list". Every time my GF has a blow up, chapter two of the rant is the lengthy list of my two years worth of offences. (all these things I do that CLEARLY, to her, show I don't care enough)

I felt un-armed in this gunfight. I move on and forget the things that frustrate me, so I simply can't pull up any list of the things she has done... .  not in the memory banks. To make up for that, I have at times considered keeping a written list. I also started on a checklist, marking down the dates when I do certain chores and all the things I am told I NEVER do. I've since tossed that list in the trash.

In the end, I decided these lists were harmful to me, my well-being. It was a physical manifestation of a desire to hold grudges and stock ammunition. I'm much happier practicing the art of letting go.

I choose to be un-armed, since that only increases conflict.

[MockingbirdHL]

Arejay - I totally agree with you; keeping lists only seems harmful to me.  I can remember plenty of things and I have forgotten plenty of things.  I don't need a written reminder of every little detail.

It amazes me how my husband can remember stuff like where he called me from on a certain night when I said a certain thing that turned out to be "wrong" three years ago, but he can't remember what day we are supposed to have dinner with his Dad etc.  I also live in fear of his mental list.  Sometimes the things on it are predictable to me; I have heard them many times before and they don't change.  However, sometimes I am blindsided by something new, especially something that when it was HAPPENING seemed like a positive occurrence, but by the time he recalls it later during one of his explosions, it has suddenly become NEGATIVE.

Also - the details of the list; the actual events that trigger the explosions seem to be unimportant.  For example, if the fight is about leaving a cup on the counter, its not really about leaving a cup on the counter, its about the fact that he might have asked me not to do that once a year ago, and I hadn't gotten around to putting it in the sink / dishwasher yet, and therefore I don't listen, I don't value his opinion, I ignore everything he says.  The cup and its position on the counter actually has nothing to do with it.

That's why keeping a list of those particular events really can't help predict ANYTHING.

[bruceli]

I kept a journal for a while. He found it and read it. Now I don't feel safe doing that anymore. It's made me so paranoid!

T.I.P.  your post ROCKED!

that's why I coded mine with just numbers and letters... .  kind of like a vehicle vin number.  Means niothing to anybody else but me... .  unless you know the coding.

[T.I.P.]

Hello Everybody

I apologize if I have encouraged anyone to go down a wrong or unhelpful avenue by talking about a list.  Definitely not my intention.  I know you are right Briefcase about what you said.  It just gets so old being on the dance floor of life with a partner who refuses to move.  :'(

T.I.P.

[Mono No Aware]

Hello Everybody

I apologize if I have encouraged anyone to go down a wrong or unhelpful avenue by talking about a list.  Definitely not my intention.  I know you are right Briefcase about what you said.  It just gets so old being on the dance floor of life with a partner who refuses to move.  :'(

T.I.P.

Man we feel your pain! No offense taken. Best place to vent is here.

Now for my real reply... .  

IMO,

The List Does Not Exist. It is all fabrication, it is all flimsy paper cutouts pasted over deep-seated emotional disturbances inside the BPD mate, their un-met needs years and decades ago from their ___ty childhood.

Whatever you do, ignore the list. It's not really you anyways. It's them. They seize upon little things, even invent them, to add to the list to be angry about. They use them to lash out at us, the ones they do love but cannot love properly due to the splitting, and we have to grin and bear it.

If you choose to not grin and bear it, that means posting in the [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship section.

To bear it means lots of self-work. I use long walks and meditation, a beer every week or so, and this forum.

Take that list and examine it scientifically, for it contains many behavioral clues that can be correlated to the 9 Criteria for Borderline Peronality Disorder. The list is a symptom of their disorder, it is NOT you.

Read the Lessons:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

- Mono No Aware

[briefcase]

Hello Everybody

I apologize if I have encouraged anyone to go down a wrong or unhelpful avenue by talking about a list.  Definitely not my intention.  I know you are right Briefcase about what you said.  It just gets so old being on the dance floor of life with a partner who refuses to move.  :'(

T.I.P.

We really do understand.  And, like I said, its perfectly ok to think about and process some of the dysfunction, learn about the disorder, sort out what belongs to her, what belongs to you - its a long journey and we all travel the path at our own speed. You don't need to apologize for anything.   

Its hard to live life under what feels like constant withering criticism in an unbalanced relationship.  Ten years is a long time.  That ship doesn't turn around over night. 

Stick with it.  It's possible to sort of transcend a lot of the things on your list and keep what she does/says in perspective.  It's hard work.  But worth it!   

[daylily]

I agree that making a list of a pwBPD's perceived complaints about us nons might be a negative exercise if we're staying, but perhaps if done for the right reasons, it might be a positive one?  Looking at the sheer volume of the complaints and the fact that many of them are inconsistent with (or complete opposites of) each other might help us to not take these complaints as personally?  It might make them less "real" or "true" if they're all there in one place to illustrate that "it's not us, it's them"?

I am thinking of making up a list just to see if it has this effect, because I have a tendency to take on his complaints a little too much... .  

  :)aylily