Want ex's relationship to end.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't want my exBPDgf back but I want her current relationship/engagement to fall apart so bad. I feel like I'll finally be able to detach completely after this happens... . I don't know why. I don't think I'd even care if she dated someone new after this guy... . its just this relationship. Did/does anyone else feel this way? I know its terrible but if their relationship (which she has already cheated in) ends, I feel like a weight will be lifted.

[me757]

I don't want my exBPDgf back but I want her current relationship/engagement to fall apart so bad. I feel like I'll finally be able to detach completely after this happens... . I don't know why. I don't think I'd even care if she dated someone new after this guy... . its just this relationship. Did/does anyone else feel this way? I know its terrible but if their relationship (which she has already cheated in) ends, I feel like a weight will be lifted.

[hellnback]

Yes, I feel the same way. I would feel the triangle is finally over. I don't know why? I know I should not care, but I do. If it fails, I would feel that it was not all me.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I agree. Not only did my current ex pwBPDgf cheat on me, she was cheating on the other guy by doing stuff with me still. He looks like such a loser that I want her to not be able to keep him either. Plus after seeing me in person (thanks to her FB creeping me) he's probably scared of me that I will smash him if I see him next. The night she creeped me I was a bit tipsy, so I flipped them off and called them names and his punk ass stayed in the car while she got out. I'm not proud that I did that, but I would've been out of that car in a heartbeat no matter how intimidating the guy.

[me757]

My ex "downgraded" too. It's so frustrating. She can get away with so much more with him because he's a pushover and pretty dumb (she's even said this). It's even worse now that they are engaged. If they for some reason got married and actually lasted it would probably piss me off for awhile. I'm sure a lot of its my ego. He found out she cheated and forgave her and wants to get married even faster now. I feel like its gonna have to be her to end it but shes obsessed with getting married so that prob wont happen.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I bet the same scenario will happen with my ex's current loser too. She's really not that bright either, which is why she probably mirrored me and kept me around so long- to learn how to act. I've not checked her FB page in the longest time, so I have no clue what their status is. I just wish her nothing but pain after basically making me fall in love with myself. There's no one inside that pretty shell, just the good things she took from me.

[apple]

Don't worry, it will end as they are unable to sustain long term intimate relationships. Look at the history!  leopards can't change their spots. My exw had no long term friends and didn't have any close girlfriends. 

She also pushed to get me to sever some friendships I had with a few close friends of mine. They were female friends but were totally plutonic. They were like sisters to me.  One of my friends I had known for over 20yrs.

My ex was married and divorced 4x by age 38 and is doomed to repeat her pattern. she's currently recycling her 4th husband and or has a new source which happens to be another guy she knew from high school. She is emotionally stuck in 9th grade!

The worst part now is knowing my kids have a whore-o-trama for a mother.

[Clearmind]

I don't know why.

Any reason me757 why you don't believe what you endured in your relationship? Was the roller coaster ride the norm for you - meaning were previous relationships also up and down that you believed nothing of it?

Self blame and lack of self trust is common - any clues with this stems from?

[Billa]

we all share the same feeling... .  it's normal. Even if it would be of no help.

[Whichwayisup]

The worst part now is knowing my kids have a whore-o-trama for a mother.

This!  How I am struggling to look at my innocent affected children and cant stop thinking how simply unfair this all is on them.

In a strange way at the moment I don't want the validation of her current relationship breaking down.  I am rehearsing a fantasy scenario where I meet the new guy, shake his hand tell him thanks and good luck... .  

At the moment he is keeping her away from bothering me after 6 weeks of LC and getting closer to NC until mediation.

[me757]

Clearmind - I haven't been in a lot of relationships so I don't have a norm. This was by far the craziest one I've been in though. I guess part of why I want it to end is that then I'd always fear that I could have done something more to make the relationship work. This is crazy thinking, I know, because why would I want something so unstable and destructive to work? It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front. I get frustrated because from what I've read here, there isn't a lot of hope for someone with BPD to change.

[slimmiller]

I felt the same for a while. Then she did the whole rigmarole to him and raged, screamed, glass lighted and the whole 9 yards and started sleeping with his best friend. It was sweet in so many ways to see the crash (as I type this the 'current' is moving 6 hours away for two years for school).

The whole thing was bittersweet in a way. He got what he deserved because he KNEW that she was married to me and living with me still. Then he had to basically wear my shoes.

Funny thing is she told me I could never date her friends because thats 'just disgusting' then she did it to him and those two guys are no longer friends because of it.

Why was it sweet to watch? It validates so many things and basically that she caused her own miseries and I had NOTHING to do with it this time  

-slimmiller

[me757]

Thats a good point Slimmiller. The fact that you had no part in it and it fell apart still is probably what I'm looking for.

[Suzn]

I guess part of why I want it to end is that then I'd always fear that I could have done something more to make the relationship work. This is crazy thinking, I know, because why would I want something so unstable and destructive to work?

Why was the success of this relationship solely on your shoulders in your mind? It takes two. Unstable and destructive never works, endured maybe. It's good that you are identifying that this is what is was, unstable and destructive for both of you.

It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front.

Just a thought, what are the chances that this is her attempting to mirror what she is seeing in you? It would depend on whether you are basing these observations on actual everyday, prolonged behavior changes or if you are speaking of conversations you are having on occasion and you are simply being agreed with.  

[TippyTwo]

I am actually hoping my ex's new relationship or recycled one (not sure which it is) lasts for a while.

The longer she is preoccupied with someone else, the more time it gives me to detach, process, and heal. What a gift!

[BorderlineMagnet]

me757, I agree with Suzn, the appearance of growing up is her mirroring your maturity most likely. Like I was telling you, when I look at the emails my current ex has sent recently, it's as if I was writing them. She just copies my ambitions to make my life better, and to be a better person. She is none of those things in reality. She is taking the good from you and using it to her further her own sick needs to try and hold on to what she has. If anything, be angry at her for it. She is stealing something from you that is uniquely your own. I went from pining for my current ex, to being disgusted by her when I had this revelation. She took my confidence and my trust when she left, and now I realized she took what makes me a good person, and makes people like me and care for me, and that is unforgivable to me. The cheating I can forgive because I know it was out of fear, and not meant to hurt me. But stealing who I am because she is an empty husk is not cool in my book. Get mad about it, but let your anger help you do good things. Being angry isn't a bad thing. It's a natural emotion, and for me it has been protecting me lately. The anniversary of our first meeting was last weekend and my emotions have been fragile due to it. I even got weak and sent an email on that day. But then I had my mirroring light bulb moment and all that changed.

[Suzn]

If anything, be angry at her for it.

May I make a suggestion? Be angry at the existence of the disorder and the cause. This person didn't ask for this disorder any more than one would ask for being diabetic. "She" is not the disorder. The behaviors associated are coping mechanisms for the intense fears a pwBPD have. This is not an excuse, it is what it is, a mental disorder.

[me757]

Hmm... . she could be mirroring me. Ever since the breakup I've really got my life together. Wouldn't she want to be mirroring her fiancee rather me since they are together? Or is this mirroring the first signs of a possible recycle and the end of her current relationship? I wonder if it would have already happened if I had tried to get her back.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I guess it's hard for me right now to not be angry at her because it feels like I was stolen from. She stole who I am to make herself better. But I know it's the disorder... .  I guess it just makes it easier for me to try and move on. Otherwise I'd still just be wanting her back, although knowing that is something that probably will not/should not happen. But I get that they are afflicted. Just does;t make it easier on us sometimes.

[me757]

I wonder if they steal enough from partners if they can actually keep a relationship going for good or actually fix themselves in mirroring.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I think my ex is mirroring her sleazy douchebag new guy. She liked how I wasn't a bar person, but seems to go to bars with him a lot. She may actually be wasting what she took from me and is mirroring his brain dead white trash traits. Like she's regressing after doing well and actually appearing to be stable with me. And the fact that she lies to me and herself about her new relationship just seems sad and desperate. Like she has to like him now since I caught her and made her choose. And I didn't really give her a choice, it was more like you're cheating on me and you need to be honest. I think she was ashamed, but knew I would probably have left her then. And I would have.

[me757]

Its ridiculous how much they lie about their relationships (to us and themselves). My ex makes it seem like her fiancee and her are doing well... . but then she cheats on him all the time. Their reality is so distorted and what sucks is that they don't even realize it. If they did, they'd probably get help.

[BorderlineMagnet]

The lies are ridiculous for sure. Me and my current ex knew each other 10 months. In that time we literally never argued once. We were very close, loving, and always on the same page. Of course that was idealization and mirroring, but still a very happy, stable relationship. She says she's soo happy with her new guy yet she admits that I come up in their relationship a lot and they argue about me a lot. After only knowing each other barley 2 1/2 months. It's like she doesn't realize her own honesty contradicts the lie about being happy.

[me757]

My ex has often told me that she wishes the new guy was more like me but also that I was more like him. I feel like if a person isn't perfect then its not good enough for her.

[caughtnreleased]

It makes it hard because I've been seeing the good side of her lately and she seems like she has grown up a lot more. Then again, I see so little of her now that she can probably put up a good front.

Just a thought, what are the chances that this is her attempting to mirror what she is seeing in you? It would depend on whether you are basing these observations on actual everyday, prolonged behavior changes or if you are speaking of conversations you are having on occasion and you are simply being agreed with.   [/quote]
Agh! this one hit home. I've made so much progress in my life since meeting and splitting with my BPDex... .  it seems to me like he has too... .  could it just be mirroring. It is so messed up! and sad. I fell in love with myself! Oh dear! something straight out of greek mythology.

I too just want his new relationship to end. I have no doubt she is miserable, but she's keeping up a good façade... .  

[sfgirl]

Same here - My ex is, since our break up, in and out of a r/s with another woman who might be bi-polar.

They have horrible fights, break up but still get back together. Last one a few months ago - She called me to tell me all about it. It made me feel better thinking they were done. But naturally they got back together and I have not heard from her since.

The fact that they keep on getting back together makes me feel like "what does this other woman have that I did not?" Why is she willing to work things out with her but not with me?

I guess I still have a lot of healing to do... .  

[Hopeliveshere]

What Suzn wrote about the intense fears of a pwBPD rings so true - my PDh (who doesn't talk much) starts many sentences with "I'm afraid of... .  " or "I'm scared that... .  "

HLH

[me757]

For me, I know what I didn't have that the new guy does - the ability to propose to her within 3 months of dating even though the cheating is going on. She was very passive aggressive with it within a month of dating. It didn't make any sense... . she cheats emotionally/physically and then expects me to just forgive and marry her. No empathy. I don't understand her fiancee who proposed within 3 months of dating and has caught her cheating... .  and now wants to get married even sooner. He might be even crazier than her.

[BradyK]

My ex upwBBDbf got married 2 months after we broke up. It hurt me very, very deeply to be replaced like that, and a part of me couldn't even believe it. I was still so connected to him. He was my best friend and I loved him. And yes, a part of me wanted their relationship to fail. And yes, I wondered what she had that I didn't have that inspired his instant commitment.

But, in hindsight, this marriage actually worked to my advantage in that it made it much easier for me to officially "wish them well" and then go NC and stay NC. It's one thing to pine away after a guy who is in relationship "limbo" and is sending mixed messages, but it is quite another to pine away after a guy who is married. I did not want to be any kind of "other woman", ever. And I certainly didn't have to worry about his feeling abandoned or hurt anymore.

That was all a year ago. I don't know if they are still together; I assume they are. I hope they are. What does she have that I don't have? Maybe lots of things. Maybe nothing. But now I know it really doesn't matter because my life is not about them!

[flynavy]

May I make a suggestion? Be angry at the existence of the disorder and the cause. This person didn't ask for this disorder any more than one would ask for being diabetic. "She" is not the disorder. The behaviors associated are coping mechanisms for the intense fears a pwBPD have. This is not an excuse, it is what it is, a mental disorder.

Posted on: Yesterday at 01:37:31 PM Posted by: BorderlineMagnet

susn... .  the light bulb went on for me!  Thank you!... .  My biggest struggle has been with viewing my exBPD/NPD fiance as a rational woman w/o a mental disorder... .  even though I know!  I too wanted to see the guy she is with now (and has been with for the past 8 years) unravel.  Doesn't matter!  She will find another.  She has been through 2 failed marriages, 4 engagements (including mine).  I kind of feel sorry for this guy she's with now... .  he even came over to my house at 12:30 AM one night after he first found out she was seeing me/engaged and he is still with her.  I even tried sending him a letter and she intercepted it and sent it back to me like it came from him.

Anyway... .  she has a mental disorder... .  as mean, deceitful, ugly, violent, unconscionable, as their behavior is... .  they are sick individuals.  The hardest part of this is the fact that even the name of the mental disorder "borderline" says they have moments of clarity/rationality... .  but for us... .  we never who we were talking to... .  Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde!

[me757]

I hope my ex's relationship doesn't last for years like you have all mentioned. I feel like I'm associated with her newest relationship because it was right after mine and she's triangulated with him and I. I'd love to get to the point where I don't care or actually wish her and the guy well... . but I'm not there yet.