anyone else's exBPD withdraw sex and affection?

[leftbehind]

Just wondering - did anyone else's exBPD have issues with touching or sex?  Like in the beginning they loved sex and touching, and toward the end pulled away or said they didn't feel like touch or sex was so important?  Mine told me after about 5 months into us being physical (we dated for a while first and he told me he loved me before we had sex)  that he goes through periods of not wanting or needing sex.

After that I noticed a pattern that it seemed like most of the time I had to initiate, or there would be no sex.  He was just as happy to watch tv, play board games or sleep as to have sex.  Even though those things were fun, I missed being pursued and desired, and still thought it was way too early in the relationship for the sex to wane.  Especially since every time we had it it was so good, and he would always say it was the best ever for him, because it was spiritual as well as physical for the first time in his life. 

I even put it out there that quickies were okay, just so he wouldn't have to feel pressured every time we made love to make it spectacular.  I just was so happy to connect with him that way.

Then when we were hanging out a couple of days before he broke it off, he tells me that he feels asexual, and that I should just think of him like he has his "period" that day.  Then the next day when we talk over the phone, he says that touching isn't that important to him anymore, that it used to be but that he can take or leave it now.  Then he says how he's sorry, and that he thinks this is unfair to me because he knows how much I like touching and being touched. The very next day he was looking to break up with me.

All this went down 4 days after we had incredible sex that we both really enjoyed.  So confusing. 

Wondering if anyone else went through this as well?  It wasn't like I was expecting sex twice a day, or every day, or even every time we got together.  But I started noticing that if he hung out three times in a week he would be fine not initiating sex at all until the fourth time we hung out.  It just seemed weird because he was young (mid to late 30's) healthy, no physical issues, and supposedly in love with me, and told me I was beautiful all the time. 

Anyone else experience this?  And for the guys, is this normal?  I'm wondering if my expectations were unreasonable.

[Whichwayisup]

I'm interested in responses to this Leftbehind,

my sexual relationship can at best be described as feast or famine, and I've lost so much semblance of normality, I honestly have no idea what is normal.  It got to the point I would Google, "standard" expectations and frequency and came to the conclusion it's such a wide variety in all relationships, I look back and see that sex was much more used as a means to an end... .  When there was a period of silent treatment, I would effectively disengage and await for her to "come round/calm down and re-engage" then make up sex took place instead of discussing the cause... .  

The times I didn't want sex (admittedly very few, I was castigated as being selfish, uncaring, or even provoked comments of, "well go and find someone else when you want it... .  " (reality being I had played sport and was physically knackered and just needed sleep... .  of course when she was knackered, it was fine to say so to me without a fuss being made... .  

As I say, I have lost all frames of reference as I was part of this for so long... .  whilst I think this is further down the road for my recovery, thought I would input to show the effect it can have... .  

Whichwayisup

[marbleloser]

 For me that wouldn't be normal,but I can't speak for every guy out there.Maybe some just don't see sex as an important part of a RS.My ex certainly didn't.Sex was more of a method to get what she wanted,and withheld if she didn't get her way.It's a rather cruel punishment and control method.Another thing that lowers one's self esteem.

[VeryFree]

The story overhere:

- My stbxBPDw never liked being touched.

- My stbxBPDw never liked being looked at.

- In the first months sex was a daily duty. Every day the alarmclock was set an hour before we had to get up, to do the deed. That wasn't my idea of fun, so I talked her out of that.

- After that sex wasn't inspiring and felt like an obligation: once or twice a week, on a friday- or sundaymorning she would be ready for me. I could try other moments, but it just never happened, whatever I tried.

- She has used the word 'asexual' once.

- During sex I thought she enjoyed it. Looking back I'm not sure. And: I don't care.

[flynavy]

This is a new twist... .  everything I have read about this disorder points to utilizing sex as the best high intensity remedy to mask the pwBPD/NPDs pain.  Maybe its because my ex is a combo BPD/NPD!  In retrospect, it was always about sex... .  extreme sex... .  sometimes down right pornographic!  She would have sex with me at the drop of a hat!  In fact she would say "i don't have to have sex... .  in fact I have gone without sex for a long time"... .  I don't think so.  I know she just wasn't/didn't do those things just with me.  You dont get that good at it... .  and enjoy the intensity like she did just because she loved me! 

[Rose Tiger]

People with BPD take their bad feelings about themselves and project them onto their partner.  It's hard for them to feel attracted to someone that is very bad in their minds.

With people with NPD, you are pretty much a sex toy.  It's more like masturbation to them and the partner is like a vibrator or something.

[marbleloser]

I think the important thing is that you recognize what you value in a RS.That's a big step towards finding a RS that suits you(and me/us). If/when you see this affection being withheld in the future,you'll know that it's a sign that maybe that person isn't for you.

You are who you are,and you like what you like.There's nothing wrong with that.Where we went wrong was thinking our SO would come around to our way of thinking,instead of just accepting that they weren't meant for us.

[tailspin]

 

My ex withheld sex completely for a couple of months and wouldn't initiate sex under any circumstances throughout our relationship.  I think this is more about control than anything else; he thought he was losing control and decided to call the shots about everything.  I also think their rejection fears keeps them from initiating sex because my ex literally broke up with me once because I didn't feel like it.  In a few days he had forgotten about the entire incident and wondered why I was being so "distant." I was always in a "no win" situation no matter what I did.

This type of behavior is passive aggressive and withholding sex could also be a type of punishment in their eyes.  It's confusing and keeps us in the "game" by trying harder to win their affection.  More manipulation.

tailspin

[leftbehind]

Tailspin, I think you're right about some people with BPD seeing sex as a way to control.  I remember when I was just friends with my ex before dating him, I asked him whether or not he thought his ex wife was still in love with him.  His answer was really disturbing to me.  He said, "I know she'd still f*** me, but that's because she'd think she could control me then."

I didn't understand the connection about sex and control that he was making.  I'm sure in retrospect when I initiated sex, or talked to hm about wanting making love to be part of our day together, that he must have thought I was trying to control him too.

[tailspin]

leftbehind,

Their life is a total contradiction all the time and I think (for some) it comes from the mixed signals they received when they were young from their primary caregiver.  The person who was supposed to love, support and care for them was unreliable and, as a result, they learned early that keeping people off-balance gives you the upper hand. Sex is just one tool in their arsenal that allows them to do this.

It's so hard not to take what they've done to us personally because it hurts.  It does help to remember your ex was this way before you met him and he will remain this way long after you're gone.

tailspin

[lhd981]

My ex felt that I wasn't being "reciprocal" in sexual acts and that there was an imbalance. Rather than telling me outright so that it could be addressed (even though I always try to be mindful of such things), she began toning down her adventurous sexual nature, and then began outright withholding. I assumed this is because she was stressed with work, so I never pressured her (as I'm NOT that type of a guy). At one point, she lashed out at me about not pressuring her and implied that I didn't desire her; she made a comment like ":)id you notice that I gradually stopped putting on sexy outfits and [doing certain things to you]? I guess you just didn't care." Not sure if she wanted me to be a mind reader or what... .  

[leftbehind]

lhd981, my ex wanted me to read his mind too.  He wouldn't say when he was feeling unhappy or what he was unhappy about, so I never was given a chance to make things right.  Just broke up with me instead.  I would have bent over backwards to make things work if I knew he was secretly holding grudges. 

and Tailspin, thank you for reminding me that he was this way before I met him, and will still be this way with the next one.  I keep forgetting that. 

I think he's looking for the perfect woman that he will never have to communicate difficult feelings with, because she'll be so perfect for him that there will be no need.  Instead of realizing that when you find a good fit and there's a lot of love, you can work at communication and make the relationship stronger/resolve conflicts/build intimacy.  Just my opinion.

[lhd981]

Likewise, leftbehind! When I found out about these grudges she was harboring, my immediate reaction was to show her love and understanding, to try to work through them with her, but it was too late by then. Her motto seemed to be "shoot first and ask questions later", so to speak.

Believe me, I'm the archetypal CD people pleaser. If I had seen a single frown or passive aggressive statement, I would've brought up the issue and done everything to work with it, but no, she was just as lovey dovey and affectionate as ever (just not sexual). Then one day, BAM. Out of the blue, she throws this at me.

I wonder if that's part of the "testing" or confirmation bias for them; where the fact that we're not magically, intuitively aware of their gripes convinces them that we're "just like the rest" and therefore should be gotten rid of.

[expos]

It happened to me and my ex-BPD wife... .  

The sex died basically right after the honeymoon. We were married in May 2009, honeymooned in June, and didn't have sex again until August. The following January, sex became maybe once month. As terrible as this sounds, we maybe had sex 15 times as a married couple. I would try to initiate and she just didn't feel like it

My ex-wife gained a lot of weight due to her depression issues and was embarassed of her body (I still thought she was beautiful no matter what)  Her anti-depressants supposedly killed her libido... .  and she did not like to hug me or even kiss me. I once leaned in to kiss her cheek and she literally shuddered.

She was on cymbalta, strattera, lamictal, and I forget. Doesn't matter now.

Our sex life was INCREDIBLE while we were dating. 5 days a week at least and sometimes twice an afternoon on the weekends.

What makes me so angry is that she is supposedly "seeing someone" now and has lost all of her weight!  If this new guy even exists (I see no proof or hear anything) I'm sure her sex drive has magically reappeared.  So nice of her to pull out all of the stops for some guy she just met but withhold everything from her husband.

[findingmyselfagain]

In the beginning, she couldn't get me out of my clothes fast enough. Told me she loved me within 2 weeks. Was planning a wedding and family probably within 3 weeks. But most of her triggers were definitely sex-related. When I wanted to save my virginity, she was just paralyzed b/c I wanted to wait until Valentine's Day... .  a week later! But, my T explained to me that people who have been sexually abused do not have that STOP signal when it comes to sex. It's basically just like whoever, whenever. I believe her first husband withheld from her (for whatever reason). When she wanted it, she had to have it. When she was "tired" or didn't, I was just plain up the creek. Of course from the way things started and the way she projected herself at the beginning, I thought she was really into it. During the downfall she told me that the first time that "I wanted you to $$$# me." I thought it was "love", and to her it may have been. But isn't love more than intensity? Looking back and examining my feelings and the events very carefully, I believe most of the dynamic was lack of impulse control by her and her "splitting" me and herself. She came on very fast and very strong, and I mistakenly believed it was because it was love. Really, it was more likely her trying to relieve her loneliness, and just plain wanting it and being unable to wait, but when I was tired I was seen as "rejecting". It's the classic no-win.

The important thing is find out why we were involved in this type of r/s and learning boundaries and taking care of ourselves. I know this r/s wouldn't have lasted for me. She broke it off while I was still "in love", so maybe she did recognize just how different she was and that it was unlikely I would stay.

[findingmyselfagain]

More to the thread, toward the end she cut off all affection and sex. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. We had no serious arguments. I was still the same guy. It was just mind-boggling and depressing!

[lhd981]

Another thing that just came to me, and it should've been a red flag at the time:

I once commented (more like gushed) on what a sexually charged free spirit she was, along with her immense affection. She smiled and thanked me with a kiss, then said "It's better than being called a frigid b***h!". I gave her a hug and a surprised look - she mentioned that it was something she had been called by an ex. I just couldn't believe it!

Not my sweet, sexual, loving partner!

Of course, towards the end of our relationship, I could certainly easily see how he could have thought that about her. (Even though I'd never say anything like that to a woman)

[wowjer]

I had to reply to this for support of the original person that posted.  

Your post sounded exactly like my entire 10 years with my exwife.  She used the term "asexual" all the time.  I would go months to the point where i suggested counseling many times for us.  Not just for the sexual relationship, however; it seemed to be the biggest issue.  The relationship skewed my perception of healthy sexual relationships.  I felt like a horse with my reigns being pulled in one direction then the other.  She would say that I needed to do this and needed to do that.  Also said that "you have no game".  

Before this most recent break-up and subsequent divorce, I questioned myself.  Was it me?  Was I putting too much pressure?  I know I wasnt because I wouldnt say anything for a month or 2 before I brought up the lack of sexual and/or even touching.  She would tell me to be more affectionate, then i would try to hug her and she would not like it, i would kiss her more, but would say "i hate saliva".  I would get flowers, she would say "why did you waste the money".  She asked for poetry and even though i am not a poet, i would write them.  She would laugh.  

Then when it got real bad and you could tell she was almost about to leave (again), she would prance around naked, tease me a lot, do all types of sexual things, then when i would approach her, get mad.  Then she would say "not now, later", then that would never occur.  

I looked up tons of things on the web.  She said she had medical problems, which none were ever found when going to the doctor.  I looked up sexual dysfunction issues, relational issues, marriage and sex, solutions.  I offerred everything and she said "I am never going to regiment sex, I compromise enough as it is".  Every 6 weeks or so we would have great sex.  

The only time our sexual relationship was good, was after she completely screwed up big time, then it would be very good and consistent as she said once "to win me back".  

It was a constant cycle.  It was HELL

She told me to find others to have sex with.  I didnt want to do that.  I wasnt going to fall into that mess.  

I even suggested once that we should NOT have sex for like 6 months to see if we can work on the relationship.  It was the biggest issue from what I thought.  It should have been easy for her as she said she was "asexual" and really only ever wanted it every 6 weeks or 2 months maybe.  It would have been more difficult for me, but none was a better thought than maybe.  SHE got mad and was not willing to attempt it.  This is when i really noticed it was more about control.  She totally had me controlled with it.  SICK SXXT and i fell for it totally.  

Leftbehind- i dont think it is normal for guys.  Although, I question if my perception of sexuality in relationships is skewed.  I love sex and have found tons of women that seem to use it more as a tool to obtain something versus the fun of having it.  I will say that most guys if offered a "quicky" will jump on that wonderful opportunity. 

[Bananas]

After the honeymoon was over my ex made me feel like a pervert.  Which I thought was crazy because we would have sex maybe once a month, and although I wasn't happy with that he told me he was having a lot of problems at work and sex was the last thing on his mind so I was trying to be understanding.  But he would always withdraw from me after we had sex.  He would literally curl up in a ball and not want to be touched.   

He told me once I was pressuring him for sex.  He also told me that "you always get weird after we have sex".   

[leftbehind]

wowjer & everyone else who responded - thank you so much.  It helps to hear a man's perspective on this.  Also thanks to the women who commented as well.

My ex knew how much I enjoyed sex and touching with him, and I feel he pulled it away at certain times when he was holding secret grudges or frustrations toward me.  (lhd981 - thank you for validating that the BPD person harbors these grudges and then expects their partner to be a mind reader.)

I think he left when he realized this would be a problem - that I would want  sexual consistency of some sort.  In retrospect if I had just accepted that he was really two different people (at least!), and accepted that one of those people was asexual, ungrounded, spacey, and felt like a little kid inside, then maybe I could have made the relationship work. But I didn't know or understand that he was BPD until after the relationship broke up and my T said he's a classic case.  Another relationship professional suggested this too, and many people here have said he sounds textbook.  It wasn't even in my mind until I started to hear from others that it sounded like he had some sort of mental illness.  Many people said bipolar, but the professionals said BPD.

Anyway, I actually regret not accepting this other side to him.  I was still treating him like a "non", and saw his pulling away as a lack of interest or punishing.  I am also wondering if he may have Dissociative Identity Disorder.  From the beginning he would talk about this "other guy" that would show up.  He called it his higher self, as in "sometimes I'm completely in my higher self." 

The last two months we were together, he seemed to me like he was dissociating a lot, but I'm not a therapist so I wasn't sure.  I thought maybe he's just ungrounded.  When he was in that state he would talk differently, act differently, even look different. 

Anyway, maybe my angels were protecting me, because let me tell you if he hadn't broken up with me I would have stayed with him.  Most likely the sexual dry spells would have gotten longer and longer, and I think he would have ended up cheating (newer, greener, fresher fields would have been enticing to him).

But there is such a big part of me that blames myself.  I got mad right before he broke up with me because of his pulling away (sexually,emotionally and energetically, it seemed to me), and I told him I wasn't going to initiate sex anymore because it made me feel rejected and humiliated when he told me no.  Within ten minutes I apologized and said that I was being bratty and selfish.  He seemed to forgive me and we had a nice, platonic night.  But he was looking to break up with me two days later.

I'm pretty good at reading energy and body language, and I think I called him on a problem that had existed in his last two relationships.  I'm thinking this is something that we can fix, but he must have thought, "Here we go again, time to leave!"

[leftbehind]

Aww, bananas that's rough! Believe me I can sympathize

[KellyO]

leftbehind: I understand you, been there too. And I know how it feels as a woman to be rejected. We have been told so many times that men want sex, and they want it all the time... .  and we find ourselves in rs where our man seems to have no troubles to manipulate us with sex (I think my ex did not really understand he was manipulating me, for him it must have been normal behaviour and he thought everybody is like him in that department too). It hurts, and we start to question is there something ugly in us, are we not desirable?

I will not have a relationship without sex, that is for sure. Sex in relationship is that important for me. And my ex knew it. He told me with his ex-gf they did not have sexlife at all in the last three years! I had to ask, why an earth he is thinking it was a relationship at all? They saw eachother maybe once a week, and no sex. And he was over 30 years old. Now I know that is the rs he wants. He wants a relationship with no intimate closeness. I hope he will find a woman who can tolerate it, because I can't, thats for sure. In our last "recycle" there was no sex at all. Suddenly he had decided he had to get "emotionally close" to me first. It took two months, and I knew the day will never come. I was where he wanted me to be, available, pursuing after him and he did not have to give me anything, not even one kiss. For me, it was his last, desperate attemp to control me with ultimate withholding.

This is hilarious: in our last phone conversation I told him I didn't want to have sex with him either anymore, I was so tired of all that withholding. Yep! He got MAD! And he was hurt because I dare to say I did not want him anymore! Where was his upper hand now?

I really hope I will find a healty man, who wants what I want and does not use my needs against me.

[mcc503764]

Hi everyone -

My exBPD did the same.  witheld sex, affection or used it as a power and control thing to try and get what she wanted at times.  It's malicious.  Left me wondering WTH was wrong with me?

Miserable feeling

MCC

[Mightyhammers]

After we had the 'argument' ( which I think was the point where the relationship turned a 180 ) she would hardly even touch me, wouldnt hold my hand in public, would sleep on the other side of the bed, said I was stifling her ( which was absolute rubbish, we only saw each other maybe twice a month ), I remember one time after that we did have sex, which she initiated, but that was because she was drunk - in the morning when she realised she had been holding me all night she rolled over to the other side of the bed. That made me feel great.

it seemed like when she was drunk or intoxicated she was affectionate with me, but when she sobered up and realised what she was doing she went back to being cold again - it was like drink or drugs suppressed her BPD feelings... .  

[apple]

Reading through this thread made me think about what kind of sex life I had with my exw and It really wasn't very good. When my exw and I were dating it was sex all the time and she did things in the bedroom that never happened after we married. She actually couldn't remember doing certain things in the bedroom or lied and said she didn't remember. At some point during our marriage it turned into her having self proclaimed intimacy problems but she didn't know why as she said she was never abused. I was accused of treating her like an object for being affectionate and wanting to connect. It turned into us having sex about once every 4-6 weeks when she wanted sex and I realize now that I was the one that felt like an object and was emotionally starved. Somewhere along the way she also started to complain that I was too big, but yet she never did that during idealization when she told her family that " I was her knight in sining armor"

[GreenMango]

Here's a little bit of the disorder. 

Below are characterization of the disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, the National Institute of Health, and The Mayo Clinic.

The American Psychiatric Association



Personality disorders are diagnosed based on signs and symptoms and a thorough psychological evaluation. To be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, someone must meet criteria spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). A very important part if that is they must have impaired functionality.  Without that, we are pretty much talking about a borderline personality style - a difficult but not pathological condition that is more responsive to therapy than than a "personality disorder".

A topline summary of the DSM 5 definition (due to be published in March 2013)  is:

1. Impairments* Impairments in self functioning AND impairments in interpersonal functioning (*important)

2. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

• Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.

• Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.

• Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.

• Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.

3. Disinhibition, characterized by:

• Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.

• Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

4. Hostility:  Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

The complete DSM-5 definition is located here: DSM 5


National Institute of Health

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.

Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

The Mayo Clinic

People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.

In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.

Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

* Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently

* Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression

* Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations

* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses

* Fear of being alone

Some of those strong feelings waxing and waning can attribute to the inconsistent level of intimacy. 

One thing that might help to consider is if the person was capable of having the type to relationship, and level of intimacy or consistency, you needed.  It may be they weren't a safe partner in this respect considering the level of other dysfunction that was happening in the relationship. 

[wowjer]

Reading through this thread made me think about what kind of sex life I had with my exw and It really wasn't very good. When my exw and I were dating it was sex all the time and she did things in the bedroom that never happened after we married. She actually couldn't remember doing certain things in the bedroom or lied and said she didn't remember. At some point during our marriage it turned into her having self proclaimed intimacy problems but she didn't know why as she said she was never abused. I was accused of treating her like an object for being affectionate and wanting to connect. It turned into us having sex about once every 4-6 weeks when she wanted sex and I realize now that I was the one that felt like an object and was emotionally starved. Somewhere along the way she also started to complain that I was too big, but yet she never did that during idealization when she told her family that " I was her knight in sining armor"

apple:  this made me LMAO because I could have written the same EXACT thing.  All the way to the end with the "knight in shining armor".  She called me that up until she left again for another guy.  My daughter went on to tell me that she calls XXXX her "knight in shining armor" and "prince charming".  that was 6 months ago.  Since then, just recently she asked me to move someplace warm with the kids and she will come with.  I didnt even respond. 

[apple]

Wowjer: It's bizarre how so many people have shared the same exact experiences down to the same words and scenarios yet the partners were different. It's almost as though there is a BPD mothership controlling all of them.

I'm happy you had a good laugh cause everyone who comes here needs it after living in OZ.

[Sango216]

Hi Leftbehind!

My ex and I were not intimate (because I haven't been intimate with anyone yet and wasn't ready when he was here), but I noticed that on one occasion he refused to tell me he loved me.  We had broken up and were trying to work on things, but I wasn't really ready to get into a full-fledged relationship with him again because I had a feeling he wouldn't change.  Still, saying "I love you" was common for us.

One night before going to bed, I texted him that I loved him.  His response?  "I don't think I can tell someone I love them who isn't ready to be in a relationship with me."  I was sort of put off.  I took it as him trying to pressure me into saying "Alright, we'll make it official again.  It'll be back the way it was before," but that's not what I wanted.  I was hurt, so I told him "You either love someone or you don't, and you don't use those words in order to punish someone.  You shouldn't NOT tell someone you love them just because you aren't in an official relationship.  The next day he apologized and said that he was more hurt than he'd like to admit.

In retrospect, it seems silly of me to get upset, but I guess it bothered me so much because he's just the type of person to use any and everything to punish me or as leverage to get me to do what he wants.

[EyeCareSoMUCH]

My exBPD had issues with intimacy all around. She couldn't handle being kissed and held. Especially sex. When we first met she told me she had intimacy issues and I repsected that. After 3 months of me not making a move, and being a typical man she decided to take to bed. This is where things went downhill for me because I became attached. She told me that she was very selective with her partners and didn't just sleep around. So whenever we did anything I felt "special" Like I made the cut! When she decided that she was over the "I am crazy about you stage" She reduced our intimacy to something two consenting adults do. Like it was nothing more than a screw. It became an addiction of mine to be intimate with her. I couldn't even kiss her or hold her hand without her flipping out which usually left me nearly in tears. Like I did something wrong! Just thinking about it eats me alive!