Starting over (no longer checking up on ex)

[Sango216]

Yesterday started off really bad after I cyber stalked my former boyfriend and saw that his new love interest had made him dinner.  He loved it so much that he posted a photo of it online.  He referred to her as his "friend" but I know how he is…he is never really open on social networking sites about being with someone.  If you looked at his photos and posts around the time we were together, I was rarely mentioned.  I was basically nonexistent, kind of like I am now in his eyes.

Anyway, I have decided that I will stop torturing myself.  Yesterday when I saw what he had been up to, I felt so many unpleasant emotions:  anger, sadness, hatred, etc.  I was a mess.  He's moving on, and I need to do the same.  I know this is easier said than done, but I was able to do it for a week after we officially broke up the first time.  I think I can do it again, and if I succeed, that week will turn into another one and I am hoping to become stronger than my desires to check in on him.  I want to be able to say "You don't need to see what he's up to, nor do you care to do so."  I want to get to the point where I don't care anymore. 

I think part of the reason that I haven't been able to let go is because I have been holding onto the words that he said, and the memories we were never able to make with one another.  I picture him doing all of those things with his new girlfriend and I can't help but to feel upset.  I wonder if he compares her to me, or if he talks about me at all.  I wonder if he told her about his last relationship and made me out to be a psychotic person, but I must remind myself that he is still the same sick person I was dating.  Life for them will not be full of roses and daisies, especially if he continues to deny that anything is wrong with him.

My friend told me something interesting the other day.  She said "You're so stuck on the life that you wanted to have with him that you can't move forward.  You can still do all of those wonderful things, but with someone else.  The guy you'll do those things with…he'll be great, and he'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated."  She's so right.  My ex and I, we never would've worked out because he's such a bitter, selfish person. Those memories I wanted to make were with the person I thought he was, therefore making them impossible to create if I'm in a relationship with him.  I'm too much of a happy, energetic person to walk on eggshells.  Before him, I was happy, I was always joking around or being goofy, giving money to homeless people, telling random stories.  He silenced me, and he made me question how good of a person I am because he was so critical of me.

If ever I feel the desire to look him up online or "cyber stalk" him, I will find other things to focus on.  If I have to put my computer away or temporarily disconnect my Internet service, I will.  Hopefully it does not come to that though.  The feeling of resisting that temptation is so much better than the feeling I get after I see how well he's doing without me.  No more stalking.  No more torture.  If I want to move forward, I have to stop, and I believe I can do it.

[tomjon78]

Been in this situation some years ago with my former wife... .  it´s quite common do "stalk" but it´s really only You hurting yourself... .  

Put the ex on a block list on facebook if it´s really hard... .  relax and let go.

one day at a time... .  

[Sango216]

Hi there tomjon78.

Yes, I really am hurting myself.  I'm sitting here crying and he's over there having candlelit dinners and going to clubs.  Letting go is the only way to move forward.

[MockingbirdHL]

Been there, done that. It's hard, it's terrible!  Trying not to go there again ... .  

The last time I had to block him on FB to stop myself from looking at his page. I didn't have the willpower to do it any other way. It's so self-destructive, but so tempting.

Sometimes I wish we were back in the times before email, Internet, Facebook, texting, cellphones etc. it would be so much harder to torture ourselves! 

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL,

It really is terrible, especially if the pdBPD knows you do it, or knows that somehow what they do will get back to you.  It enables them to torture you as well.  Either way it's just awful.

[tomjon78]

Sango

call a friend... .  or take a walk if you are feeling miserable... .  i´ve had a very bad day myself with my ex BPD showing up last night.

I went to see my friends and am trying to get my focus somewhere else.

But close the door and believe me it helps in a way he´s somewhere else now. I wish my ex actually had a boyfriend to focus on.

Hang in there... .  crying is healthy but think of what´s best for you... .  I´ve been there and it´s in your hands... .  

[MockingbirdHL]

Sango216,

It's all I can do to stop myself and we are still married!  He's off on one of his episodes right now (24 days and counting) so is not at home. I look at his FB maybe ten times a day to see if he's changed his relationship status from married to single. Crazy I know!  But he did this once before when we were just dating. Went NC. Changed his relationship status from in a relationship to single after a week or so. Seriously.

I hate FB.

Fact is this time he hasn't posted anything in almost a month; nothing since he left.

[Sango216]

tomjon78,

I will!  My friends have been so supportive.  One of them told me "If I have to come over there and take your computer, I will."  I think the distance between us is a blessing in disguise.  I think things would've escalated into something much worse had he been here.  I'm sorry you're going through that with your ex.  Perhaps you could look at the situation differently.  I mean, her lack of a boyfriend and her reaching out to you enables you to exercise your ability to resist.  I haven't had that opportunity, aside from resisting the urge to cyber stalk him or contact him directly. 

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL,

Are you planning on blocking his page again to prevent yourself from looking?

[MockingbirdHL]

Sango216 - no, not this time. Last time we were just dating, not living together and he went NC. I couldn't take it after a while.

Now we are married, share a house and a life, the past 24 days have been a confusing, hellish mix of NC, LC and being together. I outlined the timeline in another post.

This time I'm just stopping myself from doing anything but looking at FB. I swear, if he changes it I might totally lose my ****.  I am hoping he wouldn't do such a callous thing though.

[babyducks]

I so hate facebook.  It seems to cause so much havoc.

Ooh wait,  its actually the people who use facebook.  Duh.   

[Cumulus]

It's awful isn't it, trying not to look. Kind of like driving by a wreck, you know you shouldn't be looking and intruding in on someone else's life but there you are. I did look     at everything I could access for about the first six months. It was one of the ways I had of finding out who he was and what he had done and I needed to do that so I could make an informed decision about my future. I got to the point though where I knew what he was and what he had done and at that time I was able to say I know enough, finding out more isn't going to be helpful. This isn't a fact finding mission any longer, this is intruding on his life, the very way I used to hate him intruding on mine. I did have a couple slip ups after that but like anything it gets easier with time and distance.

[leftbehind]

I just looked at his facebook this week, after resisting the urge for around 3 weeks.  I got confirmation that he's hooking up with his "go to" sex buddy girl.  It hurt like hell, but it helped me let go just a little bit more.  I actually was able to throw out two paintings he made me when I realized he made one of the same paintings for her.

It hurt, but sometimes I need the reality in my face.  He's not pining away for me.  He's moving on and having sex.  Knowing that, if he ever did contact me wanting to come back into my life (fat chance!)  I know I would have to say no.  Him having sex so soon after breaking up with me proves that his love for me was never real - just part of the delusion of the illness.  I'm using that fact to help me move on. 

But yeah, it's still really hard to not want to check his facebook.  So far I'm resisting.  I don't need to know anything else for now - this was bad enough.

[Sango216]

MockingbirdHL:

I cannot imagine what you're going through right now, but if you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me.  I must say, you're a trooper for being able to stick it out and work on a marriage with a pwBPD.  It takes a strong person to be able to deal with the uncertainty, the silent treatments, the abuse, and everything that comes along with the disorder.

babyducks:

You're right.  It is the people that make it what it is.  I often had to tell my ex that it wasn't okay for him to seem so desperate online.  He was always posting things on girls' pictures saying things like "You look good" or "You're killing it."  It was embarassing because I had people coming to me telling me that he was doing it.  Also, he used one of his accounts to "vent" the last day we talked.  He called me a "dumb expletive" and said that I thought I knew everything when in reality I don't know anything.  Truth is, I hit a nerve when I told him he has issues.  I got too close to discovering who he really is.

Cumulus:

It really is awful, and I have no idea why I keep doing this to myself.  It's not like I'll ever see him post something that says "I miss her," or "I'm an idiot for acting the way I did.  Wish I could fix things."  If he ever has a moment of clarity where he understands where he messed up, he'll never let it show.  I never thought about it as an intrusion.  Wow.  Maybe that will help to stop me from looking.  Part of me feels like he knows I look, and he posts things just so it will hurt me.  That may not be the case, but if it is, why would I continue to play into it?  This is what I need to ask myself the next time I get that urge. 

leftbehind:

I'm glad you're looking at your situation from in a positive way.  Congrats to you for throwing the paintings away!  Yes, knowing that they "move on" so quickly (even if it's just for sex) really hurts.  It's like it invalidates anything they ever said and did.  When I saw that picture and comment about the girl making him dinner, I was so hurt.  He probably thinks she's amazing, and if he is thinking about me, it's only to say somthing like "My last girlfriend never would've done this."

[Changed4safety]

Sango, let's start over together.  I'll be your ":)on't do it" buddy if you'll be mine. 

I am on day 3 of not checking up on him.  Too tired to go into my story now, perhaps later--he actually did me a huuuuge favor recently by taking up with someone the day after I told him "no" the last time, after he begged for me to come back and said I was "the one" and he would follow me anywhere.  I became a no one, until a final incident where he showed me exactly how much he valued me by nickel and diming me.  My heart went very cold then, and I realized that NOTHING I had seen in him was actually there.  (5-year relationship).  We're tied together by some finances and I need to play at least courteous to him if I want to see any money back, so I've not blocked him.  I have blocked the girl he's seeing, and I've not gone to his page in 3 days, as I've said, though he comes to mine daily and "likes" stuff. 

Once the financial thing is settled I am done.  I've no desire to have him in my life in any way, and just a month ago I would have told you we would be those special friends who stayed in touch and loved each other in a unique way, even though we couldn't be together, blah blah blah.

Nope.  The good side of this is I've realized I didn't "lose the great love of my life", he's not grown, he's just the same, and I can see him clearly.

The text today rattled me, I have to admit, and I wanted to go check, to see, to hurt myself, to twist the knife.  But I won't!  ":)one now." 

[Sango216]

The good side of this is I've realized I didn't "lose the great love of my life", he's not grown, he's just the same, and I can see him clearly.

The text today rattled me, I have to admit, and I wanted to go check, to see, to hurt myself, to twist the knife.  But I won't!  ":)one now." 

Changed4safety:

Deal!  You sound so strong... .  so sure of yourself.  I long to get to that point.  At first I felt like I had lost the only person who understood me, but after talking to someone up here and thinking it over, I realize he didn't understand me at all.  If he did, he never would've accused me of doing all of the awful things he said I did to him.  I don't want to hurt anymore.  I'm done twisting that knife too!