In trouble for doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

[Indiana]

Earlier this spring, my wife reminded me about some outdoor chores that need to be taken care of -- yard work, haul off some junk, cut down a damaged tree, etc.

Yesterday I mentioned that this weekend would be a good time for me to do these things and she agreed.

Today I received a text message from her stating, "So you're going to be busy all weekend?  Nice.  Once again, I come last!".

For the love of god I was going to do exactly what she has asked me to do and now she is angry about it. 

I expect the silent treatment now for the whole weekend no matter what I do or don't do.

The strange thing is, I will be around home the whole time.  It's not like I'm leaving town without her for the weekend.  My work friends are going to the Indy 500 all day on Sunday -- without me again.  They go every year and have a great time without their wives and as far as I know they aren't in the doghouse for several days when they return.  This is an absolute impossibility in my world. 

Is she doing this on purpose or is her mind actually so broken that she can't see that she is mad at me for doing exactly what she asked me to do?  I want to believe that she has a disorder and can't help it but most of the time it simply seems like she is just being a bhit.

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[momtara]

Good question.  I had to deal with the bizarre guilt trips too.  With my husband, it would sometimes even be a memory lapse.  So many things triggered him that I think he coped by blocking out requests he had made of me or things I had said to him.

[slimmiller]

Is she doing this on purpose or is her mind actually so broken that she can't see that she is mad at me for doing exactly what she asked me to do?  I want to believe that she has a disorder and can't help it but most of the time it simply seems like she is just being a bhit.

While I can agree that its a disorder, how much of it is it them doing what they do because they can and do get away with it?

Either way, its still a CHOICE. Sometimes it seems like they are just being spoiled little brats that didnt have any proper discipline as a kid and have nothing better to then throw a tantrum for entertainment. This kinda explains in a way how they get 'stuck' at a certain age with the mental maturity so to speak

I can imaigne if you didnt get the stuff done, you would be in trouble for not doing it.

Is she at all diagnosed/in counseling?

[arabella]

Is she doing this on purpose or is her mind actually so broken that she can't see that she is mad at me for doing exactly what she asked me to do? 

I vote the latter. If you asked her she'd tell you she isn't mad that you're doing the stuff, she's mad that you aren't spending enough time with her this weekend. I realize this makes no sense - that's why it's referred to as 'disordered'. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I suppose, ideally, you would split the tasks up over a period of time (not too long, mind you) and then use the extra time you've now freed up each day/weekend to do things with her. Like, go out for breakfast, remove tree, watch movie with her that evening. Spend next full day doing something with her. Repeat similar scenario the next weekend. That's my best guess. She'd probably find something wrong with that too though.

Either way, its still a CHOICE. Sometimes it seems like they are just being spoiled little brats that didnt have any proper discipline as a kid and have nothing better to then throw a tantrum for entertainment. This kinda explains in a way how they get 'stuck' at a certain age with the mental maturity so to speak

I don't necessarily agree that it's really a choice. Choice implies that they could do something else. If she doesn't know she has a problem and isn't in treatment, then there isn't really a choice there. She is doing the only thing she knows how - reacting to her immediate emotional state. It's like an alcoholic who doesn't admit they have a drinking problem - is it really a 'choice' for them to drink? I mean, sure, they do it... . But it's an addiction, not a higher cognitive function in any way. She's coping in the only way she knows how, by reacting to her immediate needs/wants, regardless of the facts of the situation. It is like a tantrum, but it isn't for entertainment, it's more like desperation.

[briefcase]

This has happened to me too - getting "in trouble" because I'm doing what she asked.   

Try to find a balance between sticking to your plans and being open to meeting her needs too.  The trouble is the black and white thinking doesn't leave her much room to give you "partial credit" for splitting your time.  Its best to follow your own instincts for what is right and wrong in this and stick to it - with lots of emotional validation for her.   

[raindancer]

I know that familiar and uncomfortable space between a rock and a hard place, Indiana 

It's not a fun place to be.

I agree with briefcase - do what she asked and try to spend time with her as well when you can.

Any possibility of getting her in on the outdoor time - potting up some arrangment planters, making a garden, painting the lawnchairs, anything at all she likes outdoors? maybe find something that makes her feel like she's participating and being helpful accomplishing something good? You could start off the outdoor adventures with a trip to the Garden Center (my guy's LEAST favorite place on earth, seriously, simply because it's my favorite).

My guy hates anything outdoors, as a general rule. The gardens and lawns are on my "todo" list. He does like having a fire in the pit, so instead of listening to him gripe about being in the house alone while I'm enjoying "dirt-therapy" in the garden, I've convinced him all the branches and stuff need to get burned. Kills two birds in a way... . I get to have fun getting dirty, he gets outside helping (feeling productive and validated in a way). Actually the last time I got him out there, he ended up helping me - turns out he likes making fancy borders for flowerbeds... .   yeah me. Worked once, anyway.

Other than this, I have nothing to offer, sorry.

[Juliecelle]

Indiana,

Either way you'll be in the doghouse. I say go to the races and enjoy the break!

[Rockylove]

I don't necessarily agree that it's really a choice. Choice implies that they could do something else. If she doesn't know she has a problem and isn't in treatment, then there isn't really a choice there. She is doing the only thing she knows how - reacting to her immediate emotional state. It's like an alcoholic who doesn't admit they have a drinking problem - is it really a 'choice' for them to drink? I mean, sure, they do it... . But it's an addiction, not a higher cognitive function in any way. She's coping in the only way she knows how, by reacting to her immediate needs/wants, regardless of the facts of the situation. It is like a tantrum, but it isn't for entertainment, it's more like desperation.

arabella, I'm going to print this out and save it as a reminder for myself.  I know that many of my bf's reactions are very child-like and when I recognize that, it's easier for me to respond in kind.  I often forget that I too can react to certain things when my inner child is hurt because of my own lack of knowledge of a better way.  I'm working on it though!

[waverider]

What they wanted yesterday, what they want today, and what they might want tomorrow are often different things. if what you propose does not fit with what they want now, then you have to be to blame.

Do what you think is right, otherwise you end up getting jerked around on a reactive chain, and still be in the wrong.

Its all about their stuff, your stuff, and stepping out of the circle and applying a dose of wise mind.

You have the wise mind so make use of it, rather than having your agenda set by a sick mind

[wdone]

Earlier this spring, my wife reminded me about some outdoor chores that need to be taken care of -- yard work, haul off some junk, cut down a damaged tree, etc.

Yesterday I mentioned that this weekend would be a good time for me to do these things and she agreed.

Today I received a text message from her stating, "So you're going to be busy all weekend?  Nice.  Once again, I come last!".

For the love of god I was going to do exactly what she has asked me to do and now she is angry about it. 

I expect the silent treatment now for the whole weekend no matter what I do or don't do.

The strange thing is, I will be around home the whole time.  It's not like I'm leaving town without her for the weekend.  My work friends are going to the Indy 500 all day on Sunday -- without me again.  They go every year and have a great time without their wives and as far as I know they aren't in the doghouse for several days when they return.  This is an absolute impossibility in my world. 

Is she doing this on purpose or is her mind actually so broken that she can't see that she is mad at me for doing exactly what she asked me to do?  I want to believe that she has a disorder and can't help it but most of the time it simply seems like she is just being a bhit.

I just want to commend you for being an awesome husband.

please see my most recent post, about needing my SO's help... .

also, i relate to you post.  my bf even admits sometimes that i "can't win," or that i "can't do anything right."

he is constantly changing his needs based on if he feels smothered or abandoned.

one day, it is "you call me too much." the next day, he calls a few times, i dont answer and he accuses me, "why didn't you answer your phone the first time? what are you doing?'

IMHO, i would stick to what you said you were going to do, without reacting to her. i assume you both do household chores, and that they are designated and shared?... .

[badknees]

damned if ya do and same thing if ya don't. It takes a tremendous energy not to loose one's patience.

[waverider]

damned if ya do and same thing if ya don't. It takes a tremendous energy not to loose one's patience.

And if you do loose your patience you are double damned.

So just do whats right, and learn not to feel damned

[yeeter]

So just do whats right, and learn not to feel damned

This has been the key for me.  Was a time when I would ask and try to accommodate.  But after a while I realized things were not balanced (her request list got long and always about her, never considering some things I wanted done), and it was very difficult to do something the 'right' way.

Some detachment, and now I pick and choose what and when projects will be done.  Often times I dont share with her what I am doing, because I dont want it 'inspected' to learn all the ways I could have done it better, and I dont want 50 criteria on 'how' to do it (a null set usually).

Sometimes she comments about it, sometimes she doesnt.  Oh well.  I no longer look for her validation.

[Chosen]

damned if ya do and same thing if ya don't. It takes a tremendous energy not to loose one's patience.

And if you do loose your patience you are double damned.

So just do whats right, and learn not to feel damned

Stuck in these situations a lot of times.  It's 100x worse when I get frustrated, because no matter what he wants (even if it changes by the minute), I don't have a right to be frustrated at him.  Never!

[Indiana]

Over the last two weekends, I have taken care of several chores around the house and yard and my wife's response to that has been to give me the silent treatment.  I don't expect any reward or praise for doing my duties, but to be punished for it is very frustrating.

At meals, she will not make eye contact with me.  If I ask her a question to try and start a conversation, she offers only one word without even a glance in my direction.  The strange thing is, she carries on normal conversations with the kids at these times.  It is like two different people are sitting there -- it reminds me of the amish tradition of being shunned.

This morning, she left me a note in my truck before work.  It listed all the ways I've disappointed her, everything that she doesn't like about me, and said that if I don't change these things, she doesn't think she can do it anymore.  I get one of these every few months.  They used to upset me but now I am used to them and they don't have much impact.  She also wrote that she had to tell me in a note because I won't talk to her.  After a week and a half of silent treatment, I won't talk to her? 

What is weird is that some time in the next week, she will wake up and act as if nothing has happened and everything is just fine.  This will last a few days and then something will trigger another week or two of being unbearable.

I think I still love her, and if all this is caused by a disorder that she can't control I feel sorry for her about that.  But at the same time, she is absolutely driving me crazy.

[waverider]

This morning, she left me a note in my truck before work.  It listed all the ways I've disappointed her, everything that she doesn't like about me, and said that if I don't change these things, she doesn't think she can do it anymore.  I get one of these every few months.  They used to upset me but now I am used to them and they don't have much impact.  She also wrote that she had to tell me in a note because I won't talk to her.  After a week and a half of silent treatment, I won't talk to her? 

I used to get left notes everywhere. I simply screwed them up and refused to read them and told her if she had something to say she needs to talk to me. After a few tantrums she will give up writing notes that dont get read.

[allibaba]

Today I received a text message from her stating, "So you're going to be busy all weekend?  Nice.  Once again, I come last!".

For the love of god I was going to do exactly what she has asked me to do and now she is angry about it.  

Hey.  I used to have this issue too.  Instead of making plans (even notifying him in advance what my plans were for the weekend)... . I started having discussions with my husband about what I thought would be good to get done over the weekend.  He gives input... . and then I'll modify my plans as necessary.  Sometimes my husband has slightly different priorities... . or he's feeling left out.  Like briefcase said... . its a balance between sticking to you plans and taking into account your wife's needs.  Someone mentioned that their husband hates gardening but will go outside and burn branches and therefore be a part of... .  find if there is some way to involve her!

The strange thing is, I will be around home the whole time.  It's not like I'm leaving town without her for the weekend.  My work friends are going to the Indy 500 all day on Sunday -- without me again.  They go every year and have a great time without their wives and as far as I know they aren't in the doghouse for several days when they return.  This is an absolute impossibility in my world.  

This is going to be awfully controversial... . but I don't think that you should condemn yourself to a life of not going to things that you want to go to.  This weekend is probably a little too soon... . but maybe next time that something comes up with the guys that you want to do... . let her know well in advance that you are going to go and that you are making plans to do it.  She's got you under her thumb and its not good for either of you.  You might be in the doghouse when you get back... . but you'll take time for yourself... . and hey... . didn't you say that you are in the doghouse anyway (just for doing chores).  

The thing that started to set me off on the right path was taking a trip without my husband for the first time in 5 yrs.  I needed to see my father.  Initially the temper tantrum was SERIOUS.  That was in March... . this weekend he shared with me that me going away without him started me on the path to finding myself again.   and how happy he is to see me becoming a person with an independent life again.

[sjm7411]

She wasn't in complete control of the weekend plans, so that's why she went off the deep end.  She wants to be in control.  I hate that I have to get some kind of "permission" or pay the consequences for not having my BP make all the decisions in my life. 

[waverider]

She wasn't in complete control of the weekend plans, so that's why she went off the deep end.  She wants to be in control.  I hate that I have to get some kind of "permission" or pay the consequences for not having my BP make all the decisions in my life. 

You need to llokk into having stronger personal boundaries, and have the strength to deal with the resultant extinction bursts as she refuses to accept them.

People are not born with control over you, you give them control over you. You can withdraw that permission. So you have the ultimate say.

[Indiana]

Well, we had a couple of decent days on Thursday and Friday, but Saturday the clouds moved in again.  I was busy most of the day.  I had to work in the morning -- only until 11:00 a.m.  I came home to the same old stuff:  no eye contact, barely speaking to me, short and barely audible replies.

After lunch, I mowed the lawn and pulled weeds in the landscaping.  When I came in for the evening, she went into the bedroom and shut the door for the remainder of the evening.

Sunday, she was better in the morning.  She asked me to run to the store and get some things to make beef stew for supper -- I was glad to do it.  Felt normal.

When I returned, she was pissed off again because she thought I took too long.  She asked me if I got lost.  It took me 45 minutes total.  It is about a ten minute drive to town and I had to go to two stores.  I tried explaining that minus travel time, I spent about 25 minutes going to two stores.  This happens almost every time I run an errand -- as if I am taking extra time for some reason.

I went straight there, did what she asked me to do and came straight home and I'm still in trouble... . by this time I was pretty frustrated.  I asked her what exactly she thought I might have done in those few extra unaccounted for minutes.  She turned around and ignored me.

Then she began going thru the items I bought.  She pulled out the beef stew seasoning mix and literally started yelling at me because I got the regular kind instead of the kind especially for the crock pot.  These are the things she yelled at me with our kids in the room.  "This is the crap that drives me crazy!  You don't listen, you don't pay attention!  I can't trust you to do anything right!"  "Just leave.  Go away."  She started crying and locked herself in the bathroom. 

My daughter found a friend to go hang out with all day and my son came outside to help me with some farm work that I pretty much invented just to get out of the house.  My son was in and out of the house throughout the day, I think to check on her.  He is very loyal to her.

I stayed outside until about 7:00 p.m. because I cannot stand to be around her when she is acting like this.  When I did come in, she accused me of turning the kids against her because they both avoided her all day just like I did. 

Last night and again this morning, I am shunned.  I have tried repeatedly to start small talk and she acts as though I'm not even there.  No reaction, no reply, nothing. 

I am finding it very hard to not just yell right back at her and get a lot of stuff off my chest, but for some reason I just take it.  Validation didn't help much -- she picked up on what I was doing and told me I sounded "retarded".

It seems like she forces me away and then punishes me for being away. 

She gives me the silent treatment and then accuses me of not talking to her.

She asks me to do chores and then becomes angry because I did not do them exactly to her liking.

Am I right to remove myself from her presence when she becomes disproportionately angry for what seems like a very minor reason?  It's not like I'm leaving to go goof off somewhere or engage in bad behaviors -  I am around home and available if needed.  It seems to make her anger worse, but frankly I'm tired of playing this game with her.

[slimmiller]

Indiana

I feel for you. :'(.

We have to remember, its NOT us thats rocking the boat. Its them but as the boat rocks, its us they reflect it from and blame us for the boat rocking. Its surreal

Looks like me two years ago. It sad but unless she is willing to actually step up proactively and try and better herself there is really very little one can do. We love them and would do anything for them but its like shining a light down into a bottomless hole. It is tiring.

Does she work outside the home? Or does she have anything that serves as a 'stabilizer' so to speak?

I think it helps to look after ourselves in a case like this. I found the best thing I could do was to be good to me and get myself distracted and refocused. Even if for a brief period of time.

You are not only right in removing yourself, its essential that you do. For your sake and for the children. The children do see it eventually. Even my D6 will make references to mommy being 'mean' and yelling etc when she gets disregulated. The only thing I can do at this point is to have a stable 'safe' environment for her to offset her mothers self inflicted nuttiness

[Indiana]

She does work outside the home and has a successful professional career and she does better throughout the week.  Her moods generally take a turn for the worse on the weekends.

Unfortunately, I don't see much chance of her trying improve things -- she specifically blames me for her unhappiness.

What I cannot figure out is this:  If she can't stand me or anything about me, then why has she not pursued a divorce?  At this point, I don't think I would resist her on it.

[allibaba]

She does work outside the home and has a successful professional career and she does better throughout the week.  Her moods generally take a turn for the worse on the weekends.

Unfortunately, I don't see much chance of her trying improve things -- she specifically blames me for her unhappiness. 

What I cannot figure out is this:  If she can't stand me or anything about me, then why has she not pursued a divorce?  At this point, I don't think I would resist her on it.

This is SO SO SO SO much like my house was two months ago before I started with boundaries and started using the tools.  My husband was in a horrible mood for at least one day of the weekend (usually the second day).  A very competant therapist explained that when he was working and busy - the hole inside of him was filled, but too much time at the house with nothing to do and he started to stress and get uncomfortable about himself due to the insecurity.  I had gotten to the point where I would only plan 1 day with him at a time and I was grateful for the weekends that he worked.

When I returned, she was pissed off again because she thought I took too long.  She asked me if I got lost.  It took me 45 minutes total.  It is about a ten minute drive to town and I had to go to two stores.  I tried explaining that minus travel time, I spent about 25 minutes going to two stores.  This happens almost every time I run an errand -- as if I am taking extra time for some reason.

This relates to a need for control/ feeling of abandonment.  Ways to avoid making things worse would be to avoid JADEing.  Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  When you do these it works with normal rational people but not BPD.  JADEing makes your spouse feel like you are telling her that her feelings don't matter when you do these things.  This would be an opportunity to validate her feelings.  Somehow dig deep within yourself to understand why she is upset.  I am seriously seriously new at validation but I might try "I can understand how it would upset you that I took longer than you expected me to."  Don't validate inappropriate behavior... . just try to find something within the situation to validate.  Regardless of how long it should have taken you, she was upset because she expected you to be back quicker.  Her feelings are real!

I went straight there, did what she asked me to do and came straight home and I'm still in trouble... . by this time I was pretty frustrated.  I asked her what exactly she thought I might have done in those few extra unaccounted for minutes.  She turned around and ignored me.

  When my husband feels invalidated, he throws tantrums and what came next was a tantrum.

Then she began going thru the items I bought.  She pulled out the beef stew seasoning mix and literally started yelling at me because I got the regular kind instead of the kind especially for the crock pot.  These are the things she yelled at me with our kids in the room.  "This is the crap that drives me crazy!  You don't listen, you don't pay attention!  I can't trust you to do anything right!"  "Just leave.  Go away."  She started crying and locked herself in the bathroom. 

   

Time for boundaries.  Decide what behavior you will and won't put up with.  Figure out your own action plan.  The more senior members of this board have helped me tremendously on what to do in specific situations.

Validation didn't help much -- she picked up on what I was doing and told me I sounded "retarded".

It seems like she forces me away and then punishes me for being away. 

  My husband is very smart and I had to actually focus on understanding and having empathy for how he felt.  BPD are sensitive emotionally so they can smell a rat a mile away   Once I truly started to understand what was upsetting him (that he didn't feel close to me when he was insecure)... . and truly communicated that then validation started to work.  Someone on these boards told me not to try to validate during a rage... . its too tough.  The time for validation is before.  Once the rage starts... . its all about boundaries. 

She gives me the silent treatment and then accuses me of not talking to her.

She asks me to do chores and then becomes angry because I did not do them exactly to her liking.

Man she is hurting inside!

Am I right to remove myself from her presence when she becomes disproportionately angry for what seems like a very minor reason?  It's not like I'm leaving to go goof off somewhere or engage in bad behaviors -  I am around home and available if needed.  It seems to make her anger worse, but frankly I'm tired of playing this game with her.

That is exactly what you are doing... . you are playing her game.  Yes it is appropriate to enforce boundaries when she blows up.  I found that walking away didn't work.  I had to leave the conversation and explain why I was doing it.  "I need to leave this conversation before I saw something I regret."  "You started calling me names.  I'm done with this conversation."  It was totally amazing how quickly boundaries worked in my house.  Check out my post ":)ealing with verbal abuse" I got some good advice!  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0

At the end of the day, I don't believe that it really matters whether your spouse agrees to work on themself or not.  These tools can improve your life.  My husband hurt so badly and wanted to connect with me so badly but everytime we got close he would turn and run (fear).  In a couple of months our lives have evolved.  A week ago I spent 4 straight days with him with no meltdowns.  This was unheard of before. 

Good luck.