Do you get to have a bad day?

[4now]

Hi,

So I am curious what other people would say about this.  Do you ever get to have a bad day, a bad reaction, or just otherwise be a normal human?

In the last two days, I inadvertently rolled my eyes at my husband when he said he'd mow the lawn, after sitting down with his lap top, after sitting in the recliner most of the day either sleeping or messing with his phone.  That apparently was incredibly disrespectful of me.  I roll my eyes quite a bit, but try to keep it under control and even said, I am sorry, I didn't mean to do it, I just did it. I didn't even follow it with saying anything about how frustrated I was with him NOT DOING ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE EVER.

Then last night I showed frustration with the hospital calling him to confirm detail about a Dr. appointment for our son.  I said, why didn't you tell them to call me, he doesn't even know the name of our son's Dr.  He said, I did give them your number.  My frustration was expressed with me being quiet and having a slightly elevated tone of voice. I was frustrated that they didn't call me after he gave them my number.  I am frustrated with the situation.  But I didn't even say anything to him that was rude or offensive. 

Then yesterday, he took my garage door opener and put it back in my car where I didn't see it.  So when I got in the car to leave and backed out of the garage and noticed it wasn't there, I got frustrated and said a few things in front of the kids about it.  I was having a very bad morning, probably from the whole mowing the lawn incident the day before.  Anyway, I said a few things about how he never puts anything back, etc in front of the kids and then my daughter repeats her version of evens to him at dinner.  So now I am the really bad guy because I say terrible things about him when he's not around.  I didn't even say anything terrible, just expressed my frustration at the situation.  Now I am the BAD GUY who is always in a bad mood. 

I realize none of my behavior was "right" or how one should act, but I lose my patience.  I feel intense pressure some times to do everything and be perfect all the time.  God forbid I actually have an emotional and express it outwardly.  Am I a big jerk or just being human?  And yes, I really would like an answer because sometimes I feel like I am the difficult one, mostly because that is what he says to me ALL THE TIME.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Yes. You are human.

Yes. You are allowed a bad day.

Yes. He will not like it.

Resentment comes from your hopes and  dreams not matching your reality. Resentment will destroy you and your relationship. The way to solve this isn't by focusing on trying to change him... . the solution is to change your perceptions.

My guess would be that  you are a Co-dependent since you state you do it all. You can read about this in our workshops... .

Also, do something nice for yourself 

[Cloudy Days]

I find that my husband feels attacked any time I am frustrated with something that isn't about him but could be about him. I had to order his medication on the computer and couldn't get it to work and I was getting really mad and frustrated because I couldn't figure out the passwords. He kept saying, I feel like your mad at me. I had to reassure him that I wasn't mad at him and I can see how he could feel that way. It was just like a little kid needing reassurance from his mom (are you mad at me?). I do have days that just tear me apart at work and when I go home in a pretty bad mood my husband doesn't take excuses, he will make it worse for me because I have attitude. Rolling my eyes is a big one for him, In fact I think all facial expressions trigger my husband, which is very hard for me because I often give mean looks when I'm not feeling mean on the inside, it's just how I look at that moment, deep in thought... . . He reads facial expressions and emotions more than he listens to words.

It is ok to have bad days, it is ok to be human. I cry a lot of the time, usually after a fight, I think it's the only thing that keeps me ok. It gives me emotional release when I really need it and my husband is usually calm by then. I've always been someone that controls my emotions but it feels so go to just let it go sometimes.  Take some time for yourself and do something for you. I like to scrapbook and draw, I tend to be much happier the few days after I do my hobby for a few hours.

I would also suggest you look into the codependency issues. I know when I looked at what codependency is and read about it, it really opened my eyes and actually even explained how I felt. Things I didn't even know I felt.

[4now]

Thanks for the replies.

So, this might be way off, but unless there's more to co-dependency than I remember, I don't think I am.  Of course!

There was a time that I was seriously co-dependent.  I read all the books I could about it, the big ones at least, and admittedly, that was me BIG TIME!

I am just curious how you would glean I am co-dependent from what I wrote?

No exaggeration, I do 90% of what needs done around the house.  I cook, clean, take care of the kids, mow the lawn, pull weeds, take the trash out, laundry, etc.  I am not bragging or exaggerating.  It's just how it is.  I also go to school, so yes I get exhausted like anyone would. 

I do not work outside the house right now.  This is a source of frustration for me.  I would like to work, but with three kids out of school right now, I would work to pay child care pretty much.  My husband is self-employed, makes his own hours, but he won't commit to being here at certain times so I can get a job and he can watch the kids.  He randomly comes home early or works very late so there's no way for me to know when he'd be here to take care of the kids so I could go to work.  My problem with all of this is that we are barely making ends meet right now and are accruing more debt every month just so he can remain self-employed.  So probably if you boil it all down and get to the knitty gritty, this is my big problem with him right now.  He refuses to see the situation for what it is and try to get out of it, he just keeps plugging along hoping it will work.  I know he is trying his best and I get that, but there comes a point when you have to admit defeat and do something different.  My plan is to work this fall when the kids are back in school. I hate how my hands are tied in this situation and I feel helpless.

[Cloudy Days]

I guess for me the statement about doing it all sticks out. Someone who is Codependent does it all and then resents doing it all even though they weren't necessarily asked to do it all. Does that makes sense? You also stated that you feel intense pressure to be perfect all the time. That is something a codependent feels. However, it's not like you can stop taking care of your kids or stop cleaning or cooking. So maybe you aren't codependent, all of what you feel is totally normal to me. You have a heck of a lot on your plate.

[briefcase]

Since you asked:

I am just curious how you would glean I am co-dependent from what I wrote?

What you wrote next, kind of answers it:

No exaggeration, I do 90% of what needs done around the house.  I cook, clean, take care of the kids, mow the lawn, pull weeds, take the trash out, laundry, etc.  I am not bragging or exaggerating.  It's just how it is.  I also go to school, so yes I get exhausted like anyone would. 

I do not work outside the house right now.  This is a source of frustration for me.  I would like to work, but with three kids out of school right now, I would work to pay child care pretty much.  My husband is self-employed, makes his own hours, but he won't commit to being here at certain times so I can get a job and he can watch the kids.  He randomly comes home early or works very late so there's no way for me to know when he'd be here to take care of the kids so I could go to work.  My problem with all of this is that we are barely making ends meet right now and are accruing more debt every month just so he can remain self-employed.  So probably if you boil it all down and get to the knitty gritty, this is my big problem with him right now.  He refuses to see the situation for what it is and try to get out of it, he just keeps plugging along hoping it will work.  I know he is trying his best and I get that, but there comes a point when you have to admit defeat and do something different.  My plan is to work this fall when the kids are back in school. I hate how my hands are tied in this situation and I feel helpless.

Don't worry, you're in pretty good company here.   

You can't change him.  Only he can change himself.  You can only change you.  So, why do you do 90% of the stuff around the house?

[daylily]

4now, give yourself a break!  It's a miracle that we don't act that way all the time, given what we have to deal with every day.  I, too, have problems with the "eye roll" and my H, like Cloudy's, is very in tune with my facial expressions.  We're not robots, we're people.  And though our emotions aren't normally as extreme as our partners', they exist (as they should).

And oh my goodness -- I fully admit that I may be in denial and it's been awhile since I read up on codependency, but I thought that it is being too focused on the other person's needs to our own detriment.  If it's doing everything and resenting it, I guess I am a codependent too.  But does it matter that the reason I do everything is not to meet my husband's needs?  I'm doing everything because if I don't do it, it won't get done or it will get done in a way that screws something else up or is so horribly bad that it needs to be done over again.  So perhaps I'm a control freak, perhaps a perfectionist, but I didn't think I was a codependent... .   And I can't imagine doing everything while someone else does nothing and not being resentful.  That seems like a pretty normal reaction?   Please correct me, because I'd imagine I'm wrong.   

  Daylily

[4now]

Thanks guys for the replies.  :)aylily-I don't know if I'd label what I am as co-dependent either.  I am perhaps a control freak-especially about certain things and under certain circumstances. I have improved immensely with this however. I don't do the things to make him happy, I do them so it's done.  It is very true that it's amazing we don't act annoyed and frustrated all the time.  I seriously almost want to laugh at the whole stupid thing.  He acts like I am the biggest b+tch in the world because I rolled my eyes and barely raised my tone of voice.  I really wonder what he'd do if I'd go off on him how some women do.  

I was thinking that this is his attempt to control me.  To emotionally control what happens with me and with our relationship.  I show any annoyance and he goes off the deep end and acts like I am a horrible person.  Perhaps his way of making me stay in line? I don't know.

So why do I do it all around the house?  Well, because if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.  That's what happened with the mowing the lawn.  It needed done, he was working all the time, all weekend and never even mentioned doing it himself.  So I pulled the lawn mower out and tried doing it myself.  A neighbor had to help me get it started because the lawn mower is a p.o.s.!  If it needs done and I care about actually having it done, I have to do it.  I don't do things that aren't asked of me, it's just the things that have to be done, ie paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids, house, etc, I have to do it.  It's not  fair and I don't like it, so yes that's where the resentment comes in.  And yes, probably this day I was annoyed that he wasn't doing anything.  He has worked the last few weekends and was finally home, but I will admit, I kind of wished he was gone.  It was a sad realization that I didn't even really care if he was home.  I guess I get so little out of the r/s.  

Right now I am being "punished" after I have attempted being nice and just going back to normal, but he won't let it go that I had two incidents within the past week where I didn't have enough patience for him.  Plus, he thinks I totally bad mouthed him in front of the kids because he took my garage door opener.  He said, so what? So what if you have to use the front door for a day?  Which, yes, in reality is not that bad, but I guess I am possessive of my garage door opener as he lost his, I don't want him to lose mine too! So yes, it's all petty and stupid, but I lost my patience, have been under stress and he won't acknowledge that it's okay for me to lose it a little, but instead is punishing me for having a human emotion.  I think I need a vacation and a break from him.  Which I am thinking of taking tomorrow.  Getting out of town for a few days.  I bet that will make the sh+t hit the fan.  

[daylily]

Right now I am being "punished" after I have attempted being nice and just going back to normal, but he won't let it go that I had two incidents within the past week where I didn't have enough patience for him.  Plus, he thinks I totally bad mouthed him in front of the kids because he took my garage door opener.  He said, so what? So what if you have to use the front door for a day?  Which, yes, in reality is not that bad, but I guess I am possessive of my garage door opener as he lost his, I don't want him to lose mine too! So yes, it's all petty and stupid, but I lost my patience, have been under stress and he won't acknowledge that it's okay for me to lose it a little, but instead is punishing me for having a human emotion.  I think I need a vacation and a break from him.  Which I am thinking of taking tomorrow.  Getting out of town for a few days.  I bet that will make the sh+t hit the fan.  

I know that on its face the garage door opener incident may seem petty, but if you're like me, it's about the unfairness of it all.  If YOU took HIS garage door opener, you'd never hear the end of it, would you?  But if HE takes YOURS, you're supposed to just suck it up and use the front door.  I don't have a whole lot of tolerance for my H's inconsiderate behavior because I'm resentful from getting ZERO tolerance from him about my behavior.  Whether I make an innocent mistake or deliberately do something to upset him, if it adversely affects him, there's h--- to pay.  If someone else (rather than your H) took your garage door opener, would it be as big a deal to use the front door?  I'm guessing not.  

I think everyone says things they shouldn't in front of the kids once in awhile.  But for me (and maybe you) what makes it exceptionally hard is that H is there to point out how badly I messed up and rub it in.  Not only do I lack a support system in a husband, I have the direct opposite.  I have to do everything, AND I have someone hovering over me waiting to point out how I did something wrong.  Of course, he never does anything wrong, because he never does anything!

Forgive me for the tone of this post, but I'm a little frustrated today!  

  :)aylily

[united for now]

This is also something to think about... .

WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US

In order for codependence to be part of any relationship, two things have to happen ~ the people-pleaser has to say yes a lot more often than no, and the other person has to not only accept this but also begin to expect it in the relationship. Once that dynamic is in place, it is difficult to break the cycle.

When you say yes consistently to another person, and when you accept any form of abuse as part of any of your relationships, you are essentially teaching the other people that it is all right for them to treat you that way. Although you might not be aware of it, you actually do have as much power and control as the other person does, because all of us can really only control ourselves.

It is only when you choose to give your power and control to another person that you begin to feel the sting of codependency, because the truth is that no one can disrespect you without your permission.



www.angelscommunity.com/EN/the_best_of_counsellor%27s_corner/recovering_from_codependency:_the_truth_about_people-pleasing/

We do have choices... .

[waverider]

I take my carer's hat off from time to time, I get grumpy, I get unreasonable and do selfish things, I generally mess up badly from time to time. I do these things because I am human. I accept this. My partner cant stop me from doing thinks

I dont care because I accept I am human, I do not feel guilty about not being perfect. My mess ups are a lot less than they used to be because I have learned more about myself, other people and have to interact. I am a better person.

I do not need my partners validation or soothing so their reaction has no bearing on me. If I find their response unpleasant, then I will choose not to be around for that response.

That's my principle (though sticking to them is not always easy... . hey I just said I wasn't perfect)

[waverider]

This is also something to think about... .

WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US

In order for codependence to be part of any relationship, two things have to happen ~ the people-pleaser has to say yes a lot more often than no, and the other person has to not only accept this but also begin to expect it in the relationship. Once that dynamic is in place, it is difficult to break the cycle.

When you say yes consistently to another person, and when you accept any form of abuse as part of any of your relationships, you are essentially teaching the other people that it is all right for them to treat you that way. Although you might not be aware of it, you actually do have as much power and control as the other person does, because all of us can really only control ourselves.

It is only when you choose to give your power and control to another person that you begin to feel the sting of codependency, because the truth is that no one can disrespect you without your permission.



www.angelscommunity.com/EN/the_best_of_counsellor%27s_corner/recovering_from_codependency:_the_truth_about_people-pleasing/

We do have choices... .

In BDSM circles who holds the most power the Sub or Dom?

The Dom only has control because the Sub gives them control. The Sub has that choice.

The Dom cannot have control without being given control by the Sub. The Dom has no choice.

Choice is power so the Sub holds the balance of power

Relationship between pwBPD and non is the same position.

[4now]

So I guess I am trying to get it, but it's hard for me to admit I am STILL co-dependent.  It is also hard to believe and admit that I have given my uBPDh so much control over me.  Yes I will agree he couldn't have it if I didn't give it to him, but at the same time, I just accept things as they are to avoid any arguments, silent treatment or otherwise crappy behavior from him. 

This all has me really down for some reason.  I think I get used to the conflict when I am in it, but then when things are smooth for a while it makes it hard when things turn bad again.  Plus, hope springs eternal and I was thinking things were on an upswing.  I was thinking if nothing else I had developed better  ways of handling things personally and had grown a tougher skin. 

I feel so exhausted and like my partner in life thinks I am the devil and hates me.  And even though he may be feeling this way right now, I know it will change soon enough.  But it still hurts.

I hate how I let this person treat me so badly.  I feel like the dumb dog who gets kicked by the mean owner and comes back for more every time.  I don't like feeling like the victim, but I can't shake it right now.  Usually I will blow it off and go on about my business, but this time it's taking longer.  What's up with that?

All I can say is YUCK!  This feels terrible.

[waverider]

So I guess I am trying to get it, but it's hard for me to admit I am STILL co-dependent.  It is also hard to believe and admit that I have given my uBPDh so much control over me.  Yes I will agree he couldn't have it if I didn't give it to him, but at the same time, I just accept things as they are to avoid any arguments, silent treatment or otherwise crappy behavior from him.  

This all has me really down for some reason.  I think I get used to the conflict when I am in it, but then when things are smooth for a while it makes it hard when things turn bad again.  Plus, hope springs eternal and I was thinking things were on an upswing.  I was thinking if nothing else I had developed better  ways of handling things personally and had grown a tougher skin.  

I feel so exhausted and like my partner in life thinks I am the devil and hates me.  And even though he may be feeling this way right now, I know it will change soon enough.  But it still hurts.

I hate how I let this person treat me so badly.  I feel like the dumb dog who gets kicked by the mean owner and comes back for more every time.  I don't like feeling like the victim, but I can't shake it right now.  Usually I will blow it off and go on about my business, but this time it's taking longer.  What's up with that?

All I can say is YUCK!  This feels terrible.

I think this is quite normal once you you discover what the disorder is about. You apply the immediate quick fixes, think things are looking rosy. Unfortunately the underlying disorder is still there, whats more you can now see the extent of it, which you blissfully couldn't see before. You can now see into all the dark dysfunctional corners and it all suddenly feels like an impossible task.

It is time now to reassess what you can change and what you can't, and focus on a few things that you can, so at least you can get a sense of going forward. It is often at this stage of "clarity"that some choose enough is enough, but this is the staying board so we will stick to trying move forward

[4now]

I just googled co-dependency and read over the characteristics.  All I can say is you guys nailed it.  I am undoubtedly co-dependent.  So now what?  I read most of the books about it a year ago, can anyone suggest any resources to help myself?  Individual counseling isn't an option right now as we really can't afford it and there aren't any CODA meetings in my town.