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Author Topic: I did two things that effect BPD’s the most.  (Read 2302 times)
Rusalka
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Posts: 59


« Reply #30 on: July 06, 2013, 11:21:45 AM »

Why do we treat these people with constant consideration and kid gloves when it's obviously to our own detriment? Isn't putting their needs and inappropriate behavior before our own common sense what got us all here in the first place?

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

sorry for the double post, but this is an amazing response and a million times better worded than anything I could say.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #31 on: July 06, 2013, 05:58:40 PM »

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.

It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.

It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.

For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.

Key points, well stated.  A very significant step prior to the above is the acceptance that the BPD sufferer is sick.  That was a very difficult and major shift initially, when I was enmeshed in the relationship, didn't know BPD even existing, and of course thought that if I could just give a little more, love a little harder, become who she needed a little more, then she would magically transform into the girl of my dreams and fantasies, of course fueled by her proclamations that everything was my fault.  What a living hell that was, and what an eye opener when I discovered she has a serious mental disorder and it wasn't me!  WooHoo!  And eventually when the buzz of blaming her wore off I started looking at my part, why I was so susceptible, why I ignored so many red flags, why I lived in denial in the face of complete crap; growth opportunities all.

It's natural to want revenge on people who harm us.  At this point however I've accepted that although she knows what she does, she has very little or no idea why, is mostly incapable of seeing the world beyond herself due to the continual chaos between her ears, and lives in a perpetual hell that I had the courage to leave, and she's stuck there.  I also know that a BPD's biggest fear is that of abandonment, and I disappeared completely, so I hurt her where it hurts most, even though I was focusing on taking care of me, not hurting her.  I've now developed compassion for her, and really hope she gets some help and finds a decent amount of contentment and peace, although it will take a lot of work, and I need to keep my distance for my own sanity.  Ugly disorder.
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danley
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« Reply #32 on: July 06, 2013, 09:55:42 PM »

Thoughts of revenge has crossed my mind after my ex broke up with me. I know every little thing that gets under his skin as he is hypersensitive and let's me know verbally or thru body language that he's bothered. I've thought about dating others after he ended things because I know he'd get mad. I've thought about ignoring him as tho he didn't exist because I know he'd not handle the cut off of complete contact. I've thought about going to certain destinations that we planned on together but to make him upset, go on my own or better yet with my friends. But after thinking things thru I realized that I didn't wanna play these childish games.

I didn't date others even tho I have many prospects. I'd be setting myself and someone else out for disappointment because I'd be lying if I said I was over my ex completely.  I am not the type of person to ignore people. And as for the destinations,  I don't have a desire to go with anyone else or myself. So I made a new checklist of destinations and have been traveling to them. It's like a fresh start for myself.

After my ex acted a fool for the last few months and had done things that in my opinion was out of spite and revenge, I digressed after a while. His wrath wasn't as piercing or fresh as it was months ago. I needed him to know that nothing he did or said could affect me anymore like before. After a while he probably realized we weren't butting heads and I wasn't playing his games of anger and fighting. I felt like all the anger made him feel superior and the more I fought back it fueled him harder. Once I stopped he had No fuel to keep his anger blazing. I believe this is when he began to focus on his other emotions because I wasn't there to duel with him anymore.

Revenge sounds nice but most times it's just a waste of energy and time.
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mcc503764
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« Reply #33 on: July 07, 2013, 08:06:10 AM »

[/quote]
VeryScared, very well put.


I put my fears ahead of my values.  I may not have known exactly how to establish and enforce boundaries, but I certainly did choose to cater to me fears rather than stand and live by my values.[/quote]
This is a good point, as I found myself doing exactly the same thing... . I lost all of my values, my values became her values, I was afraid to express my values and be myself because I was afraid of the consequences of doing so... . (withholding emotion, silent treatment, withholding sex, etc... . )

Nasty emotional roller coaster of a relationship, that's for sure.  Having been through all of that, I now am looking at myself and addressing WHY I would let another person treat me like that?  Why did I accept that?  That's where I am at!

MCC
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VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549



« Reply #34 on: July 07, 2013, 12:37:01 PM »

The key to the solution imho is to learn about the needs you had and possibly have. To learn how thos needs can be filled in a healthy way.

When we succeed at that, there's no more room for BPD in our lives. It's at that specific moment that we don't need them anymore.

I'm learning about my needs. I'm learning about my past-r/s of 10 yrs with my stbxBPDw. About 7 months ago we split up in nasty conditions. The contact since was very bad. I'm on NC for some time now (1.5 months or so). A month ago I wrote somewhere on these boards: I don't want her back, but I don't know what will happen if she rang my doorbell tonight.

Now I still don't know exactly, but I know my back is straighter than a month ago. And a LOT straighter than half a year ago.

I think that's because I'm learning about my needs and knowing that my x didn't fill those needs. She only seemed to do that, but looking back it wasn't real.

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