It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I let an ill person provoke me.
It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I lost my temper to an ill person.
It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I hurt an ill person.
It really doesn't make me feel better knowing that I contributed to the furter descent of an ill person.
It really doens't make me feel better knowing that I possibly triggered an ill person to hate me even more.
For me trying to not react to my BPDx isn't about her. It's about me. I want to look in the mirror and see an honoust en friendly person, that has control over his emotions.
Key points, well stated. A very significant step prior to the above is the acceptance that the BPD sufferer is sick. That was a very difficult and major shift initially, when I was enmeshed in the relationship, didn't know BPD even existing, and of course thought that if I could just give a little more, love a little harder, become who she needed a little more, then she would magically transform into the girl of my dreams and fantasies, of course fueled by her proclamations that everything was my fault. What a living hell that was, and what an eye opener when I discovered she has a serious mental disorder and it wasn't me! WooHoo! And eventually when the buzz of blaming her wore off I started looking at my part, why I was so susceptible, why I ignored so many red flags, why I lived in denial in the face of complete crap; growth opportunities all.
It's natural to want revenge on people who harm us. At this point however I've accepted that although she knows what she does, she has very little or no idea why, is mostly incapable of seeing the world beyond herself due to the continual chaos between her ears, and lives in a perpetual hell that I had the courage to leave, and she's stuck there. I also know that a BPD's biggest fear is that of abandonment, and I disappeared completely, so I hurt her where it hurts most, even though I was focusing on taking care of me, not hurting her. I've now developed compassion for her, and really hope she gets some help and finds a decent amount of contentment and peace, although it will take a lot of work, and I need to keep my distance for my own sanity. Ugly disorder.