My story. the beauty and the beast

[wjc]

This is my story…

 I have been married to the most beautiful woman in the world.  I am deeply in love with her and can’t imagine my life without her.  We have been married 10 years with one 8 year old Son.  After my Son was born I began to see personality changes and became very concerned.  Our marriage began to suffer due to her constant mood swings and we seemed to argue over foolishness.  So many times I would ask her to stop before it would get out of control. It's always worse before her period and during.   Nothing I can do is ever good enough or right. One day I was her best friend, the love of her life and then in a matter of seconds I could be the devil and the reason for all her problems.  I didn’t understand why, I didn’t know what I was doing that was so bad and would try even harder to be perfect and make her happy.  Finally I found some help from a therapist who saw us both together, and then one on one. He told me that my wife had BPD.  I was relieved, but scared.  I do not want a divorce.

 I came from a broken home and do not want that for my Son, plus I honestly love my wife.  I always say, when it is good... . it is very good, but when it is bad... . it is horrible and I am destroyed.  While so many people close to us see what I go through... . no one will confront my wife for fear of her attacking them.  I am always amazed that someone who can be so sweet, loving and tender, can turn and be so aggressive and angry.  This can happen with seconds, often over nothing or over something I have said, but totally taken the wrong the way… and then she will go into the attack mode of how horrible I am.  We could be laughing and having the best time…it could be a holiday or my birthday or we could be having company within a few minutes, but that would not stop her if she gets mad or upset.  Once the fuse is lit….I have seconds before she explodes and is attacking. She then will go into a victim mode, where she will cry and isolate herself as if I have abused her.  She says over and over again that I control her, when the truth of that matter is she gets upset when she is not in control of me. If I make a mistake and lose my temper or respond in an unkind way... . she never forgets it and brings it up all the time.  She never remembers the hurtful things she does and says that provoke the response though.  Often the things she says about me are the very things she is doing to me or saying to me.  

I always say that my wife has two separate sets of rules.  What I need to do and I how I need to be, but they do not apply to her at all she is exempt and can say, react and treat me however she wants.  I am so emotionally exhausted from trying to fix this and figure it all out.  I am a fulltime pastor so faith is everything to me, but it also means as a leader of others I have to be so private and no one sees what I go through.  Imagine what it is like to have to preach a sermon when you have just been crucified by the one you love.  I have often looked forward to my death as the only way out.  Not that I would ever consider taking my life, but just looking forward to a heart attack from the stress.  Those are terrible words, but that's how I feel after the one I give everything to, attacks me and tells me that it’s me with the problem.  I have self-examined counseled with a therapist to try and see what is wrong with me, but she doesn’t think she has a problem, so I do not see any chance for her to get help.  My philosophy has been if I choose to stay… which because of faith is the only option for me, then I am going to have to find help for me.    I hope I find it here because I am dying emotionally from the ups and downs and the emotional roller-coaster I ride every day. I know if my wife was reading this post she would say that I was describing myself.  Am I going crazy?I have often said I have a story book marriage.  I am married to both the beauty and the beast! I love my wife, please help me!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamachelle]

Hi wjc,

BPD is a mental illness that interferes with brain pathways for emotion and perception.

What you are describing is unfortunately very common for spouses of a BPD person to be experiencing.

Please read through the links here. The key is to start working on you first:

The Five Stages of Discovery for Family Members

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

We are going to combine this post with your first soon as we have attempted to give you some help there as well... .

 mamachelle

[Chosen]

Hi wjc,



I feel for you.  Actually I have experienced a lot of things similar to you, even though my pwBPD is my undiagnosed husband.  This is particularly true for the double standards.  He claims he has low expectations for me but I can't even meet that, I'm so useless.  But actually his expectations of me is perfection and also a mindreader.  And no, I can't point out anything wrong with him because then he'll point out 100 things that is wrong with me, and tell me since I'm rubbish, what right do I have to say he's doing something wrong, and what right do I have to not trust him?

Sometimes I feel like I'm lying to the rest of the world, because my H sometimes teaches in church.  He will teach new believers about the Bible and then come home and do something 180 degrees different, and he would think there's no problem because I deserve it/ the Bible says it's ok/ other illogical reasoning.  It's awfully lonely because nobody knows this (except a few people who knows my situation), so I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you, being a pastor... .

I am not suicidal and stuff, but sometimes, like you, I just don't really mind dying anymore, and I don't think I'll be too sad to leave this world and move onto the next.  But since we're still here, I think it's really important to let at least 1 other person know about your sitaution before you go mad!  Sometimes just having somebody to talk to helps a lot.   

[wjc]

Thank you, for that.  It was a blessing to hear from you.

[Wrongturn1]

wjc,

Hello and welcome.  I too can relate to looking forward to death as a relief from the burdens of dealing with a BPD spouse b/c it's a difficult path.  The common wisdom of this board will be to fix the things you are able to fix (namely, those things about yourself that need fixing - your codependency, walking on eggshells, etc.) and learn to validate your wife's emotions (but not necessarily her version of the "facts". 

Also, since you are a (I'm presuming Christian) pastor, a few points to consider: Looking down the corridor of eternity, your wife's BPD is comparatively brief and fleeting. Even if your wife does not get therapy and overcome BPD in this lifetime, she won't suffer from it in heaven, so there is no need to think of it as a permanent condition (although it can easily feel that way sometimes).  I have seen it claimed that approximately 3 to 6 percent of the population suffers from BPD, which means that there are several BPDs and non-BPD spouses in your congregation that you will be especially qualified to help, once you gain a more complete insight on the disorder and strategies for coping with it.  Finally, your wife's BPD may be that thing in your life that most closely resembles Paul's "thorn in the flesh" that constantly reminds you to rely on God's strength instead of your own (and meaning that you can still have a fruitful life and ministry with God's help despite the BPD).

Hang in there!

[Silkroad]

wow so many similarities to my story. But in my case my husband is the pastor with suspected BPD, if only i knew before about BPD... . how his reactions where so crazy, having in mind the content of his speech... . I have been married for 10 years this year, and have a boy 4 and daughter 5 months. He is the assistant pastor of the church  and is pretty in his'job', but hasnt spoken to me since February! ( in a way it is good as we dont argue in front of our son and newborn daughter-which is a boundary i managed to place) We take part in many church activities together but people dont know. The senior pastor knows, and they work close together, 3 years ago i told him everything and he tried to manage it as a pastor would... . Big fail and also got him to always say : i wonder if you are going to tell him this and that and other offensive words... . We just came from a weekend away on Mon.  Nobody can possibly believe this good looking, charming( a bit short tempered ) man, have another face, they all probablt think how blessed I am!I also come from a broken home, and what has brought me to a relationship like this is me being very naive and having a bit of a 'blind' faith. It has strengthen me in a way as a person and I have definitely improved and matured, although i am physically and emotionally exhausted. I can assure you , you are not alone! reading about other people's personal gives us a source of strength.  Thanks for sharing your story, sorry i couldnt help much! but keep reading/posting here, it helps!

[Chosen]

I feel so much for you both wjc and Silkroad, and thanks so much Wrongturn1 for your words.  Sometimes this second part of eternity can't come soon enough for me... . and this thorn I have is a huge one... . and I also suppose this is the cross I have to bear daily... .

My uBPDh is not a pastor but he helps out a lot in teaching and preaching in church.  He is charming, smart, intelligent, gentle and everything in church, in front of others, but to me he is quite different.  Silkroad, I can relate so much to what you say, and I agree it's emotionally really draining.  I feel that I have grown up in this marriage, but it's a very hard road to take... .

[Mono No Aware]

wjc, you are not alone - you are posting in the best place possible.

When I read your post, my first thought was, "Hmmm I don't remember registering under this username, but this is an accurate description of MY situation... . down to the 8 year old son." I'm right there with you, man.

Read the lessons. Try to remember stuff. Re-read the Lessons. Keep going to therapy. Keep posting here.

[briefcase]

These relationships are often described as a "roller coaster" for good reason - the sudden ups and downs, the feelings of exhilaration turned to fear and dread and back again.  Unlike a real roller coaster, the ride of BPD marriage can feel like it lasts an entire lifetime.  When we feel this way, its usually because we've become very emotionally enmeshed with our spouse - and we're letting their emotions drive our own.  

The truth is we have the power to get off the BPD roller coaster anytime we want - and still stay married.  Have you read the Lessons?  Read up about emotional enmeshment, seperation of stuff, validation and a lot more.  

This ride doesn't end with death - it ends when we decide to seperate our emotions from their emotions.  It can be done.  There is hope.

[wjc]

Thanks for all the supportive responses!  I am trying to work on separating my emotions from my wife's.  Today was a difficult day.  My wife woke me up about 5 a.m. to tell me she had been up since 2 a.m.  I asked her was everything ok and she began to cry and tell me that it was because she couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff I have done to her since we have been married. It breaks my heart when she does this.  It happens every 5 to 6 months.   So random, and out of the blue.  We went to bed happy, no problems this week. The only thing as usual like clock work she is beginning her period... . ovulation, and it always happens around this time.

I know I am not perfect, in fact I asked her calmly did you think you were marrying a perfect man?  Again I'm not perfect, but I know I love my wife and do everything just to make her happy. I'm not a bad husband, I dont cheat, I don't beat, and I provide a home and love and support.  I left early to go to the office today without even saying good bye.  When I came home at 5:30 she acted as if nothing ever happened, but I was sick all day and came home with a stress migraine.  Another day!

[alembic]

This is my story…

Very sorry to hear your tale wjc. It is remarkably similar to my own, not that I expect this helps you very much.

After my Son was born I began to see personality changes and became very concerned.

Exactly the same in my case.  The doctors that attended to my wife diagnosed post-natal depression, but it seemed like the wrong diagnosis to me.  I now understand  that this was the end of the 'idealization phase' in our relationship.  I could no longer match up to the image my wife had in her head of me as a 'perfect' husband and father, because I had needs of my own after our son was born.

Our marriage began to suffer due to her constant mood swings and we seemed to argue over foolishness.  So many times I would ask her to stop before it would get out of control.

Exactly the same in our case.

Nothing I can do is ever good enough or right. One day I was her best friend, the love of her life and then in a matter of seconds I could be the devil and the reason for all her problems.

Just the same here. 

I didn’t understand why, I didn’t know what I was doing that was so bad and would try even harder to be perfect and make her happy.

Yup. Didn't work for me, either.

Finally I found some help from a therapist who saw us both together, and then one on one. He told me that my wife had BPD.  I was relieved, but scared.  I do not want a divorce.

And there, you have been luckier than me.  We tried couples therapy too, twice, but it didn't work. If anything, it made things worse.  My wife uses it as an opportunity to enlist a supporter against me. She puts on a tremendous performance - sobs, wails, exaggerates, twists the truth. It would take a very determined or well trained therapist to see past it.  And awareness of BPD isn't so great here in the UK.  She also uses her depression as a 'shield' - when people hear she's on depression medication, they assume her behaviour is because of that, and don't look any further. She blames me for the depression too - told me straight that everything in our relationship is 100% my fault.  And even if it was subsequently found that there was anything wrong with her, that would be my fault too, because I had caused it in her.

 This can happen with seconds, often over nothing or over something I have said, but totally taken the wrong the way… and then she will go into the attack mode of how horrible I am.  We could be laughing and having the best time…it could be a holiday or my birthday or we could be having company within a few minutes, but that would not stop her if she gets mad or upset.  Once the fuse is lit….I have seconds before she explodes and is attacking. She then will go into a victim mode, where she will cry and isolate herself as if I have abused her.  She says over and over again that I control her, when the truth of that matter is she gets upset when she is not in control of me. If I make a mistake and lose my temper or respond in an unkind way... . she never forgets it and brings it up all the time.  She never remembers the hurtful things she does and says that provoke the response though.  Often the things she says about me are the very things she is doing to me or saying to me.  

This is virtually identical to what happens to me.  As you say, if my wife says something hurtful or just plain ridiculous, if you say anything against it, she claims you are trying to control her, and her thoughts, and goes into 'victim' mode, as you say.  She completely forgets what she said to you, but always remembers what you said in response. My wife also transposes comments made in one conversation to a different one, if that makes for a better narrative.

I always say that my wife has two separate sets of rules.  What I need to do and I how I need to be, but they do not apply to her at all she is exempt and can say, react and treat me however she wants.  I am so emotionally exhausted from trying to fix this and figure it all out.

The same here. I have given up trying to think about these things logically. I have asked my wife on so many occasions why it's OK for her to behave in a certain way, and not others, but she just comes up with extremely convoluted and ridiculous sounding explanations of why it's really different in her case, or alternatively goes into 'victim mode' as you put it, and claims I am attacking her.

I have three children, and know well why you don't want to end the marriage.  But I have got to the point now where my children are starting to suffer too.  It's a terrible thing to see inflicted on your children the same sort of thing that you have described in your post, all by someone who should love them. My wife has accused them of stabbing her in the back - imagine what that does to them?

You have my every sympathy, and I wish I could give easy solutions to you, but I haven't found any for myself yet.