Clear yes and no?

[coasterhusband]

Does anyone else struggle with getting their uBPD spouse to use "yes" and "no"?

I've tried explaining to my uBPDw 10000x that "I guess so" isn't a "yes" equivalent to me... . it's a sign that you don't really care or that you're just going along to get along or that you don't respect me enough to admit that I'm correct about something.

"OK" isn't the same as "yes"... . to me it feels like "Fine, can we stop talking now?"

"Sure" isn't the same as "yes"... . it's "go ahead with your point I almost certainly won't/don't agree with"

And these things are particularly true when you couple it with dismissive body language.

Is this me being overly critical or a trait of BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Juliecelle]

Yes, Yes, Yes! My dBPDh will never give me a straight answer.

In my husband's case I think it's so he feels he has a way out should a better opportunity arise.

I have learned to question his slippery answer until I can get a clear "yes" or "no".

He becomes slightly i uncomfortable with my persistence, but I don't relent.

He can learn to man-up and keep his word!  (Crossing my fingers, yet again)

[united for now]

Is there another way to view the reasons why she avoids given solid "yes" or "no" answers?

[shamrock]

If (s)he gives you a yes or no then (s)he  has made a decission & takes resposibility for same NEVER!

My dBPDw would rather I make it then she could blame me whether It was right or wrong it would be my fault

[Chosen]

Yes!

I have posted here numberous times about how frustrating it is that H never ever gives any yes or no.  Like, never.  And when I probe it further and try to get him to give me a firm answer, he either clams up, or he will give me an answer then get annoyed, and in any case he won't be responsible for his answer (even when he gave me a "yes" and I acted on it, he will claim he never said yes.  Or if he admitted to saying it, I should still know he doesn't really want that).

I think it stems from their fear of being responsible for anything.  If they give you a definite answer they will have to be accountable.  If they don't answer properly, then they can twist their words and blame it on you later.

Any good tips on how to get them to be firmer about anything?

[united for now]

Yes 

Be clear with them that you are seeking their input because you care about their opinion - AND if they don't offer any definitive opinions then you will make the decision you feel is best. If they choose not to be involved then they forfeit any right to later on complain or criticize your decision.

This action is about "you".

You need to believe in yourself completely before taking this position.

You need to be ready for the flak afterwards and to refuse to feel guilty for your decision.

You need to feel confident enough in yourself that nothing they say will shake you.

These type of situations are where they FOG you the most. Emotional blackmail only works if we allow it to work. We don't have to play the game by their rules if we don't want to. It is a choice... .

When they try to turn it back onto you, use SET again.

"I care about your opinion and I can see that you aren't happy. I did try to include you though, and without a solid response I made the best choice I could under the circumstances"

and here's the critical part - then shut up and don't engage in debating it anymore. The topic is closed. Done deal. No rehashing it to death. No debating or defending or trying to justify your decision. Shut up and just carry on in a confident manner, cause you believe that you did the best that you could under the circumstances... . Don't allow them to shake your confidence in yourself.

[coasterhusband]

Yes 

and here's the critical part - then shut up and don't engage in debating it anymore. The topic is closed. Done deal. No rehashing it to death. No debating or defending or trying to justify your decision. Shut up and just carry on in a confident manner, cause you believe that you did the best that you could under the circumstances... . Don't allow them to shake your confidence in yourself.

This is the hard part, of course

As y'all know, getting the debate to end is the hardest part. There's always a reason (and sadly, very well argued) that I'm the one in the wrong. That since "Sure... . " = "YES", then she DID give me an answer. It's my fault if I didn't figure that out.

But yes, good reminder that that's not a debate. I told you up front that I need YES or NO, and that when you say YES, I will accept and act on it as such. Period. Reminder that that was the case if it comes up later, then DONE.

Thanks for the support

[Mono No Aware]

Yes 

Be clear with them that you are seeking their input because you care about their opinion - AND if they don't offer any definitive opinions then you will make the decision you feel is best. If they choose not to be involved then they forfeit any right to later on complain or criticize your decision.

This action is about "you".

You need to believe in yourself completely before taking this position.

You need to be ready for the flak afterwards and to refuse to feel guilty for your decision.

You need to feel confident enough in yourself that nothing they say will shake you.

These type of situations are where they FOG you the most. Emotional blackmail only works if we allow it to work. We don't have to play the game by their rules if we don't want to. It is a choice... .

When they try to turn it back onto you, use SET again.

"I care about your opinion and I can see that you aren't happy. I did try to include you though, and without a solid response I made the best choice I could under the circumstances"

and here's the critical part - then shut up and don't engage in debating it anymore. The topic is closed. Done deal. No rehashing it to death. No debating or defending or trying to justify your decision. Shut up and just carry on in a confident manner, cause you believe that you did the best that you could under the circumstances... . Don't allow them to shake your confidence in yourself.

Thank you, United. I needed this too.

[briefcase]

I agree that this is all about confidence - for you and your partner.  My wife very rarely gives a firm yes or no, and for years I'd dance around trying to get her to commit to all sorts of things, big and small.  It was frustrating for me and irritating to her.  It led to a lot of conflict and misunderstandings.  There was a lot of assigning of blame and I was constantly trying to manage that, she probably was too.

Now, if I ask for input on something, and I get a wishy-washy response from her, I simply make the decision and we move on.  Sometimes, in hindsight, my decision is not the best one, but that's ok, I'm human and I know I gave her a chance to weigh in on the decision.  Under the circumstances, it doesn't bother me if she later tries to blame or criticize my choice.  It's done and I'm confident that I know how the decision was made.

I've had to learn to get in touch with my true opinions and feelings about things, and learn to let go of my instinct to try to guess what she wants.  So, if I ask her where she wants to go out to dinner (a small thing) and she says she doesn't care, I make sure I already have a place in mind and that's where we go.  Done.  When she does give her input, I try to respect it. 

We're both much happier this way.

Unfortunately, we can't expect a person with BPD to be a leader in the relationship.  You have to lead, and part of that is being comfortable making decisions and living with the consequences.