why do they try so hard to seem happy?

[Deleted]

Why do they seem so "happy" in their new relationships?

Could it really true? or could it be a false attempt to show others they are capable of being loved/loving? perhaps even lying to themselves that they're capable of such things?

My relationship looked like a match made in heaven by the many photos on FB no one really knew the hell that went on. It's mind rattling to think that they've miraculously got better and found someone who simply "understands" them . It's the same as one of those cult like churches in where the pastor speaks in tongues and the handicapped person can now miraculously walk.

[willtimeheal]

It's a great question. I wonder why the seem so "happy."  I agree my relationship looked perfect on the outside but very few people on the outside knew the hell I went through. When I finally opened up and told a friend she looked at me and said, "You know you are in an abusive relationship, right?"  It blew my mind. I had no idea.  It's hard because I want my ex to be happy but at the same time I feel if she is then it proves something was wrong with me and I was  the crazy one. If that makes any sense?  And I know I am not the crazy one. I have issues don't get me wrong who doesn't but I did everything I could and it was  never enough and it was always about her and what she needed.

[simplyasiam]

can you look back at the start of your time with your ex can you recall the thing ppl said about your ex at that time.

for me ppl said... . ive never seen her act like this, she like someone ive never seen before, she seem so happy,

these are the same things they are say about her now.

[Deleted]

simplyasiam,

I've been told by her friends "best boyfriend she has ever had, no one has treated her better, she's so happy, all these trite things that im sure the new guy is getting.

Willtimeheal-

I understand completely, don't think for a moment that you were/are crazy. It's just how they act. Shifting the blame onto YOU or whoever else. When they do take responsiblity it's usually half-assed and followed by a "well, that person is WORSE".

[papawapa]

They aren't happy on the inside. They are mirroring the happiness of the new partner that the new partner is getting from all the lavish attention.

[vangirl60]

I've been wondering the same thing... . as I got a random message in which he said It's really good... . I think Papawapa makes a good point- it's the other person that is very happy right now... . but just wait. How long? What do you think the average time is until the sparks start to fly?

[vangirl60]

And Willtimeheal... . I've thought the same. When I have those thoughts though, I stop and think about all the friends who experienced the same thing. And then I'm reminded that it wasn't me!

[simplyasiam]

papaw im sure your right.  

ive seen this cycle so many times always before she would cheat on mr with drug user types this time she went for nice harmless guy just like myself and her ex husban before. i just had no clue what i was geting into with her

if by winter time she not slipped back into her old way ill be shocked and ill tell everyone i know and post her how wrong i was. i said the same thing only with the end of summer being my time frame when this frist started she already cheated on her new man with me came back 2 times and so on.

30 days N/C makes me feel better but i dont know why it makes me think she is bettter as well.

side note. im almost sure last time she came back was becouse i had changed my home and cell number and locked my face book. i think she had to make sure i would let her back and had to feel like she did the leaving

[charred]

If you are talking about when they are with someone other than you (like the next poor partner)... . it is probably a mix of wanting to manipulate you, trying to convince themselves of it, maybe even deciding it is true at that moment (which is probably during the idealizing phase in the new r/s.)

In general I think it is driven by desperation, as there was always a high strung desperate quality to the  "happy"... . more like a brief mania than a genuine happy.

My exBPDgf... . was concerned about appearances more than reality, she was a teacher and wanted to be sure she looked respectable at all times, was concerned about how she would appear... . it was all show. She did outrageous things and had no problem with the acts, it was the impression people had that she wanted to control. Add in a total lack of empathy and you have someone that a week after being a no-show for us moving in to spend our life together... . is on FB with a new guy, then is going on about how perfect he is, and how deliriously happy she is. Later they were taking pics close to my house 200 miles away... . showing how fun everything was.  The first time I was with her... . this stuff would have crushed me, made me suicidal. Years later, having been through it many times, I was put off but realistic. A few months later, her perfect new r/s crashed and burned and she was going on about needing  a procedure... . which turned out to be to treat the STD she got from him.

That did seem to make it amusing... . because it reminded me of the reality of the situation... . she wasn't in a perfect r/s with a new guy, and I couldn't make her happy and was defective... . rather she is disordered and has issues with anyone very close to her for very long. The STD was bad luck on her part... . perhaps some karma... . but whatever she said about it was for the impact it would have, it was not the reality of it.

I think a big part of the problem with our r/s with pwBPD... . is from putting the person on a pedestal, deciding they are perfect, believing they might be our "soul mate" and suspending judgement and our own will on a little   here and a little   there. We buy in to the fantasy they give us of being exactly what we want... . and they get tired of trying to act like they are something they are not. They have mixed up feelings, and can be spiteful, so they move on and go out of their way to keep playing with our emotions... . while blaming us for all problems and saying we are cruel.

It helps explain why over 75,000 members here and over 2 million posts... . they certainly don't play fair, and can even leave a wake of destruction in their paths.

See them for what they are, disordered, not right, and seldom really happy for very long, and it is easier to deal with. Its never easy... . when someone you care about seems to not care and be happy with someone else... . but test your assumptions... . its doubtful they don't care, are happy and will be happy long with anyone else either.

[willtimeheal]

My exBPD friends used to tell me she looked happier and more content then she ever did while she was with me. And my ex used to tell me that she was in a good place and felt better than she ever did. I guess that was just part of the game as well. When she posted that picture on FB the other day of her and her new guy if broke my heart. But I do have to say her smile was not her real smile and her eyes did not sparkle with happiness. Not when you compare pictures of us together. But she made a choice and I need to respect and accept that. I have to move  forward and heal myself. And as much as I mis  her I have to remember th  pain and hurt she has and is putting me through. I never want to feel like this again. Ever.

[delusionalxox]

I guess because they cannot achieve closure either with their exes or with themselves, the happiness has a manic quality. They submerge themselves in something new, the person who is going to save them this time, mummy/daddy reborn without faults. They go back to that blissful stage of merging, feel absolved of all the horrible events of the previous relationship and the knowledge of what they have done (that bit is vital as no responsibility can be taken, so the new person becomes a tool for instant forgetting).

When I met BPD ex (waving  red-flags from every orifice poor guy :D but I didn't get it, poor me :D) he spoke of the terrible things his ex gfs had done by refusing to take him back when he wanted them back (having started awful rows and abuse, a technique I know well, and in one case dumped the girl for her various dreadful flaws). He really thought that as soon as he wanted to wipe the slate clean, it must be cleaned. With me, he took no responsibility for past relationship failures; it all had to be different, but I had to make the difference. I had to love him more and better than they had He was a romantic hero, who didn't need to change.

The happiness is something beyond fake. They feel it, sure, but it is a strange and twisted kind of 'happiness'. Didn't Freud once say that mania is the triumph of the ego over loss and despair? I see BPD happiness as being like that. A temporary triumph over demons that just rise again.

[willtimeheal]

I just don't want to hate her anymore. I don't hate her. I love her so much. But I don't want to feel like this anymore. My ex BPD used to tell me her husband cheated on her and that is why she divorced him. She said she should have tried harder in the relationship.  I think about that and wonder can a BPD actually think like that?  Then I think of everything she did to me. The abusive emotionally and verbally I took. And I wonder if her story is true. Because if that is true is she truly BPD?  She has all the other characteristics of BPD and her history speaks volumes but sometimes I wonder if I am the one with the problem.

[Peabody]

I just don't want to hate her anymore. I don't hate her. I love her so much. But I don't want to feel like this anymore. My ex BPD used to tell me her husband cheated on her and that is why she divorced him. She said she should have tried harder in the relationship.  I think about that and wonder can a BPD actually think like that?  Then I think of everything she did to me. The abusive emotionally and verbally I took. And I wonder if her story is true. Because if that is true is she truly BPD?  She has all the other characteristics of BPD and her history speaks volumes but sometimes I wonder if I am the one with the problem.

Then don't hate her and don't feel bad. Give unconditional love and love her in your heart, but put your self worth first my friend. You have to remember the kind of person they CHOOSE to be and that the things they do they CHOOSE to do. BPD's will always drive you into the sense that you are the one crazy or having a mental issue but this is not the case. Reclaim your sanity and take some alone time, enforce NC if you have to. Take back your control and who you are first before moving forward.

[crystalclear]

It's sad and funny at the same time, but i recollect that my exbf definition of 'happiness' changed from the beginning of the r/s to towards the end.

Beginning: "I want us to be 'happy' the rest of our lives together. And we will, period. Happiness is magic like. I always find myself smiling"

Exbf at the End: "Happiness is nothing but a fleeting moment. You can't be Happy forever."

His 'definition' of Love also changed.

Pehaps this shows that no emotion is 'constant' for them. The fear of 'lonliness', and flashes of 'past' does haunt them sooner or later.

[Deleted]

Crystalclear- wow my exBPD associated love with turmoil and chaos. She often would tell me "when I'm angry or fighting with you just shut me up by having sex with me"

[crystalclear]

I do not know exactly what 'love' means to them. Since they have used it a million times to claim their feelings for us, so it is a bit difficult to comprehend if they meant that consistently in the way they said it to us the first time.

My exbf used the 'L' word 3 days after he met me (probably cuz we got a bit physical that night). I still remember he said in his drunk state 'you are driving me crazy' - really he got to know me just 2 days before.

During the 'silent treatment' phase he barely used the 'L' word and when pointed out he said "So you want me to say when i don't feel like". On the day he broke up (2 months later) he said "I love you but love is not important to me for marriage"!

For the BPD/NPD and Passive aggressive - "Love might be a magical feeling, strong but shortlived and eventually irrational "

[Bananas]

I get to see my ex at work.  And though he has gone to extremes to let me know how happy he is with his new gf by telling me he is "happier than he has ever been" and "this is the first stable relationship he has been in" when I see him he looks completely miserable.  Head hung low, he keeps his office door closed all the time so no one will talk to him, having more and more anger outbursts at work, I can see this is not the case.  Actions speak louder than words.

[willtimeheal]

Bananas I get to see my ex BPD at work as well. We are off for the summer so hopefully she will switch buildings but I am sure she won't. She will stay just to rub it in my face. Today I feel really nothing. Just blah. No tears or misery really no feelings at all.

Crystalclear when my ex BPD and I started dating it was she always said she wanted us to be happy and a family forever.

Towards the end when she broke up with me it was her saying I want to be happy happy and its my life not our life. the kids were no longer "our kids" they were "my kids" she would say. That was when I knew she was pushing me out. I picked it up about two months before she ended it I remember saying in therapy she is starting to push me out. She doesn't include me in her speech anymore.

She told me she loved me within the first month we were together... . She didn't even know me!  I should have known better.

[papawapa]

I know for certain my ex is not happy. How do I know? Her body language and the things she says. I have only seen her once since we finally parted ways. That was when we were at court for a custody hearing. She brought her new replacement with her and while she would smile and appear happy when she looked at him, she could not bring herself to look at me, at all. Her misery was readily apparent. I have been sending her messages over facebook and the two times she has replied she has made it clear that she is not happy. If she were truly happy she would be able to talk to me like an adult and not just make nasty snide remarks.


I remember very well when we were together and I could tell by her body language that she was upset about something. I would ask her how if everything was ok and her response was always, "I'm fine." Actions speak louder than words. Her body language always gave her away.


"mania is the triumph of the ego over loss and despair"

I think that is a great description of what they really have going on. They are in a manic state mirroring the happiness that is coming from the replacement. It is only on the surface that they appear happy. On the inside they are always miserable. It is like she once said to me, "Well i stop myself from feeling i think." They are able to stop the bad feelings that are a constant for them temporarily. They can do it by using alcohol or drugs, sex, exercise, or mirroring others. All of which are only temporary band aids.


Most people do not know what love is. It is something that cannot be described by words. It can only be experienced. Their concept of love is definitely twisted. I believe that their deep inner turmoil prevents them from receiving love or giving love. They equate love to feeling good. If someone makes them feel good it is love. My ex has a long history of infidelity. She would regularly take strangers home from the bar during times that we were separated. I asked her once if she felt love when these guys were just using her for sex and she said, "yes." I can definitely tell you that if I am using some woman I just met and don't know to get my rocks off that there is no love involved. Their perceptions are twisted.

[Deleted]

I really like tht quote "mania is the triumph of the ego over loss and despair" really answers the questions I was having. I do believe they try so hard to portray this life of normalcy not just to spectators but themselves as well. My exBPD knew she had issues 100% aware of her issues. However I think at least in the case of my exBPD she quickly reverts back to a state of self denial and puts her hopes in the new guy .

[Clearmind]

They are happy in the new relationship. They are mirroring 'all good'. Your partner was estactic with you Deleted as you were with her!

Until the true self is unveiled which only comes in time. Idealization cannot be sustained - we do have flaws.

[danley]

If you are talking about when they are with someone other than you (like the next poor partner)... . it is probably a mix of wanting to manipulate you, trying to convince themselves of it, maybe even deciding it is true at that moment (which is probably during the idealizing phase in the new r/s.)

In general I think it is driven by desperation, as there was always a high strung desperate quality to the  "happy"... . more like a brief mania than a genuine happy.

See them for what they are, disordered, not right, and seldom really happy for very long, and it is easier to deal with. Its never easy... . when someone you care about seems to not care and be happy with someone else... . but test your assumptions... . its doubtful they don't care, are happy and will be happy long with anyone else either.

I find these words to be True in my situation. And like you, my ex loves keeping up appearances. I don't believe my ex was or is happy talking to someone new but I'm not certain.  You never know. But I believe he needed an escape route to facing his issues. I also believe he was using this new person as manipulation against me to hurt me and send me a message that he wasn't going to face his demons. It hurt like heck. I was dumbfounded how he could suddenly and easily throw me and our relationship under the bus just because he feared making the necessary changes and adjustments within himself.  

I believe he thought in his clouded mind that talking to someone new would solve his problems. I really believe this. I believe he truly thought finding someone who matched up to what he THOUGHT his family and friends wanted would solve all his problems. But I can tell that he's not happy. If he was, he wouldn't be so concerned about me and reaching out now. I don't think it helped his cause that he told this new person about me and how close we were. But I believe he prematurely spoke of me to her as an escape route to get out of this new relationship that i believe he may have precariously started.

One thing I told him after breaking up was that there was nothing wrong with me and that the problem was that he hadn't taken ownership and responsibility of his past, which in return has incessantly returned to haunt him and make him paranoid about what people will think of him. Even tho he frantically reached for every reason under the sun WHY our relationship was wrong, I told him the common denominator was his fear, guilt, and shame. It had nothing to do with me, how I treated him, etc. It was primarily him and his unhappiness due to himself. He had said before breaking up that he was unhappy with me because he was uhappy with himself. Well, take ownership for yourself and don't use me or our relationship as a scapegoat.

I could be wrong of course and he could be extremely happy with this new person. But having known him for many years, I know what he's like when he's happy. And I know that if he was happy with the new person that he would probably feel guilty and wouldnt be able to treat me kindly like he has been for a month now. I believe he would also feel a sense of obligation towards the new person and he would shun me or at least wouldn't be reaching out the way he has been lately. Little signs tell me he's not happy. But nothing is guaranteed and so I am very cautious not to let my feelings for him show. It could also be that I have digressed and he doesn't feel pressured that I want a relationship. Who knows, really.

What matters now is that YOURE happy. Sure I want my ex to be happy. Sure I'd like to have a healthy relationship with my ex. But until I know he's working on himself and his issues a relationship will never work out between us. And No matter how many different excuses my ex comes up with it will still stand that the True core issue is within himself.

[Octoberfest]

My exBPD knew she had issues 100% aware of her issues. However I think at least in the case of my exBPD she quickly reverts back to a state of self denial and puts her hopes in the new guy .

mine as well... .


Guys, don't forget that pwBPD are not evil monsters.  They may sure come off that way, but their actions are a result of severe trauma and issues of their own, not malice or spite (even thought they may seem to be DIRECTLY that).

They want NOTHING more than to be happy, be loved, and be at peace. It is why they run so quickly into the next relationship; they are desperately running from all of their issues and hoping that someone else will be able to handle them.  They try so hard to seem happy, because they WANT to be happy.  And maybe sometimes that means fooling themselves into believing it.

[Clearmind]

My exBPD knew she had issues 100% aware of her issues. However I think at least in the case of my exBPD she quickly reverts back to a state of self denial and puts her hopes in the new guy .

mine as well... .


Guys, don't forget that pwBPD are not evil monsters.  They may sure come off that way, but their actions are a result of severe trauma and issues of their own, not malice or spite (even thought they may seem to be DIRECTLY that).

They want NOTHING more than to be happy, be loved, and be at peace. It is why they run so quickly into the next relationship; they are desperately running from all of their issues and hoping that someone else will be able to handle them.  They try so hard to seem happy, because they WANT to be happy.  And maybe sometimes that means fooling themselves into believing it.

You are certainly correct there OctoberFest. During those first few months of the break up we tend to use such words and descriptions. In time when we begin to detach we tend to have more empathy and compassion because they really do suffer and have enormous internal struggles.

Its good to remind ourselves at this point, the part we play in the BPD dance and laying blame on our ex's is us escaping our own inner pain that was likely to be evident well before our ex's came along - our ex's ignited some our own issues. After all we mirrored and idealized one another.

______

@Deleted - how can you begin to work towards not choosing a BPD #2?

[delusionalxox]

Freud wasn't as messed up as they say eh Deleted and Papawapa :D

Papawapa you wrote:

"mania is the triumph of the ego over loss and despair"

I think that is a great description of what they really have going on. They are in a manic state mirroring the happiness that is coming from the replacement. It is only on the surface that they appear happy. On the inside they are always miserable. It is like she once said to me, "Well i stop myself from feeling i think." They are able to stop the bad feelings that are a constant for them temporarily. They can do it by using alcohol or drugs, sex, exercise, or mirroring others. All of which are only temporary band aids.

Eerie... . I am piecing together many things now especially the  red-flags I stupidly chose to ignore early on with ex when he had selected me as his victim... .

He said to me once, 'I have low endorphins, so I need to get a hit all the time. Sex, drugs, sport. I need it or I get low'.

This was the only real time I heard him admit to having  been low. He was very into 'enlightenment' (was anyone else's a sort of faux buddhist/philosopher?) I suffer from depression and low mood myself which got worse and worse in our relationship (no ___! LOL) and he was horrible to me about that. Truly horrible, would berate me for it and lecture me on positivity and how to 'change my sense of life'.

He also said that he was angry with me for being down because 'love should make me happy'... . I had a lot of reasons, a very stressful life, and my own internal issues of course, but he could not show any support at all just aggression and contempt. He used the label 'madwoman' against me many times in rows.

I believe now he was deeply scared of sadness. He still had the child's defenses against it- he should have added 'love' to his list of 'sex, drugs, sport' because it was indeed a drug to him. He couldn't bear me to be anything less than constantly happy and vivacious because it opened up the void in him, which I was trying to 'help' him with- and he of course did not want to know about, because it was all my fault. 

At least I can see a sort of humour in it now.

Crystal your ex's rapidly changing, yet fixed definitions of love and happiness sound very familiar. Was he a bit of an amateur philosopher as well who knew all about abstract goods and the way everyone should live their life? :D

[crystalclear]

servalan,

He claimed he became an Atheist after a hard phase his father had been through. Although he has a deities idol in his bedroom his mother had asked him to keep with him at all times. He would clean the area around it and never keep any lighter or cigarettes near it. He would say he was only respecting his mother's orders.

He believed that we should not be emotional = irrational in life, but make 'rational = practical' decisions in life. This makes life easier. He constantly said just because he is in love, he would not be foolish or irrational especially in money matters.

He always wants to appear a strong level headed guy to everyone, and not the soft-emotional, needy, empty boy that he is in the inside. After a couple of drinks he would crumble and would cry a river pouring out his emotions - not sure if this was drama too or it was the lonely boy he was?

[delusionalxox]

Crystal I think from reading your previous posts that both our exes had a fair old dose of Narc in there. Manifest in different ways, but both believed they were Right and had Worked Out Life- ex was always, always lecturing me (in the longest and dullest way LOL) on How to Live  . Even his last dismissive email to me made a patronising point about how I was stuck in 'hating', etc. Probably because he knew very well his behaviour had been hateful, and so had to project it onto me immediately.

He didn't drink much but there were outbursts of tears- a child's tears at abandonment. He once suddenly burst into tears remembering his grandad who had died. We were outside the ice cream shop they used to visit together. I felt so bad for him  :'( so much grief unprocessed. He would suddenly cry and then as suddenly stop and 'move on'.

There was also a lot of dissociation in him. I think BPD's dissociate as well as going manic, just drift into unfeeling or dreamy states. Ex was a waif type, not working just studying and doing 'art', and would spend entire DAYS (I am not kidding) choosing a pair of shoes, or a new computer component, or a cover for his phone. He saw nothing at all wrong with this even when it made him late delivering his thesis... . that was all someone else's fault (mine for 'letting him down' and 'making his life difficult', or his supervisors' for expecting him to work at a 'normal' pace, when he was 'different' (very narc that... . )

xx

[willtimeheal]

I am not saying that BPDs are evil monsters but what mine did to me is evil. I sit here everyday heartbroken and torn. Today I am going to the doctors because I can't sleep eat and my body can't stop shaking. I want to be loved just as much as they do and  I gave her my love. I gave  her my heart and as a result I am going to end up in a mental ward. No she  is not evil but her trauma has now left me in a state of trauma and it has spilled over to every aspect of my life. That is a huge price to pay for  loving someone. What she has done to me regardless of her childhood is unforgivable.

[delusionalxox]

Also heartily agree they are not 'evil'.

However the depth of emotional insensitivity and devastation wrought by the relationship feels like evil.

I had repeated images last month of a nuclear winter... . it was like the relationship had sucked all the colour and life out of the world, everything was dead. Nothing closer to evil I could imagine.

In him I saw the lost and angry little boy, completely unable to cope with or rationalise his own emotions, who tries to become a dictator/controller. I guess that is one route to 'evil' but there are many routes. And our BPDs are not true dictators, they are just actors trying to impersonate love and happiness from a place of wounding. They can't keep up the control of themselves or others.

[willtimeheal]

They may be lost souls looking for love and trying to find happiness just like the rest of us but mine has sucked every ounce of life out of me. That is evil. I enjoy nothing in life. My childhood was hard as well but I would never put someone thru what she put me thru and is putting me thru. I would never take someone happiness and soul. So do I feel sorry for her. No I don't. And to hear people say I need to remember that angers me. I hate life right now and I am miserable and I will never be the same because of what she did to me.