why do they try so hard to seem happy?

[delusionalxox]

I do have moments of feeling sorry for ex, but they are superseded by anger, outrage, anxiety, etc.

I think fair enough to feel more sorry for yourself! You have suffered appallingly for what she's done. I think anger helps at the early stages more than trying to be noble. And I sure don't feel noble about ex a lot of the time let me tell you... .

[Deleted]

Obtoberfest & Clearmind, I agree with you that once we detach we have compassion and empathy, to a point. I understand that their issues arise from childhood trauma and other events that occured long before our paths ever crossed. Do I consider them evil? I think they are responsible for their own actions. Yeah, the BPD may kick in and show it's ugly face but all of our BPDexs on this site are 20+ years older, they're grown adults and are fully aware of what they are saying/doing. My exBPD knew what words and situations to say to just metaphorically stab me.

Now thanks to my dance with BPD, I have set very strong and healthy boundaries in order to "filter" out anyone that I may not percieve as a potential partner. For example, I was talking to a real good looking woman for about a month. She quickly began to tell me about her abusive ex boyfriend punching/abusing her and how she was almost raped and I cut off all things with her. Prior to telling me that, I really didn't see anything wrong with her. I understand that I can't help when it comes to childhood trauma or PTSD and love does not conquer all. It was that same naive thinking that got me into this mess before.



Servalan83- I had repeated images last month of a nuclear winter... . it was like the relationship had sucked all the colour and life out of the world, everything was dead. Nothing closer to evil I could imagine.

I understand the feeling completely. It's a cold desolate mental void where they leave you.

I see a selfish, tunnel vision having, uncompassionate little girl who has not matured at all. She is disgused in this beautiful womanly exterior. She's a scared and desperate little girl running away from her own shadow. Truly sad. I do feel SOME compassion.

[Octoberfest]

All- When I talk about having compassion for these people, that does not necessitate being open to recycle.  I go back and forth from genuinely feeling sad and sorry for my BPDex to feeling angry, hurt and betrayed by her.  I think what causes the switch is how far I manage to remove myself from the situation at any given point.  When I am standing pretty far back and looking at the big picture, my heart breaks for her.  When I remember the specific injustices and how they made me feel, I get hurt and angry again and fall back into that black vortex.  I am working so that I can STAY removed ALL of the time.

I guess my point is, you can feel compassion for them WITHOUT reverting to "I'm going to be the one to save them".  There is a balance to be had there.  It comes with TRULY accepting that the relationship is over and that life goes on afterwards.

[mcc503764]

I just don't want to hate her anymore. I don't hate her. I love her so much. But I don't want to feel like this anymore. My ex BPD used to tell me her husband cheated on her and that is why she divorced him. She said she should have tried harder in the relationship.  I think about that and wonder can a BPD actually think like that?  Then I think of everything she did to me. The abusive emotionally and verbally I took. And I wonder if her story is true. Because if that is true is she truly BPD?  She has all the other characteristics of BPD and her history speaks volumes but sometimes I wonder if I am the one with the problem.

Then don't hate her and don't feel bad. Give unconditional love and love her in your heart, but put your self worth first my friend. You have to remember the kind of person they CHOOSE to be and that the things they do they CHOOSE to do. BPD's will always drive you into the sense that you are the one crazy or having a mental issue but this is not the case. Reclaim your sanity and take some alone time, enforce NC if you have to. Take back your control and who you are first before moving forward.

such a good point!  Mine was a therapist whose actions drove me crazy.  Then she turned my actions around and used her profession / "expertise" in mental health to rationalize ME being put on meds / therapy!  Master manipulators! 

But... . at the end of the day, I have let go of the hate that I had for her and I am moving forward with my life!  Everything that she took from me (self) I am rebuilding and moving on!

MCC

[heartcoaster]

Seems to me keeping up appearances is a vital part of my ex's existence.  She wants to be seen as someone who is happy, who has moved on to proverbial "greener pastures", but actions speak louder than words.  I can't imagine why someone who was genuinely "happy" would continue to expend so much effort on making myself and everyone around her miserable.  Of course, she probably doesn't see it that way and you certainly can't rationalize irrational people.

[willtimeheal]

They are master manipulators and I can honestly say I do not feel sorry for my ex BPD at all.  I don't hate her but I small don't have an ounce of sympathy for her either. I don't believe they don't know what they are doing. I just found out my ex told everyone at work I kept begging for  her to take me back. She was the one begging me. And she kept telling everyone she couldn't wait to start her new life with her new bf while she told me she couldn't stand him. She always told me we were not to discuss our relationship with the people we work with which I didn't. But apparently that rule only applied to me because I just found out she talked about our personal business to many people at work and lied to them about what was really happening. Blamed me for all the problems never  bothered to mention her emotional and verbal abuse or drinking. So I don't feel sorry for my ex. She is a grown adult. She set out to hurt me so she could feel better about herself. Her actions were malicious in intent this time around. She wanted to hurt me because she thought I hurt her her because I didn't save her from her messed up life. The whole line about they are not responsible for their actions is bull.

[heartcoaster]

To some degree, do BPD's ever really know what will make them happy?  When this topic would come up in conversation, my ex would have a different answer every month.  She certainly seemed to lack any defined direction in her life and was hoping something from her "grab bag of wishes" came true and was the magic answer.  It often felt like her mind was traveling down a road with no desitnation in sight.

[Clearmind]

Obtoberfest & Clearmind, I agree with you that once we detach we have compassion and empathy, to a point. I understand that their issues arise from childhood trauma and other events that occured long before our paths ever crossed. Do I consider them evil? I think they are responsible for their own actions. Yeah, the BPD may kick in and show it's ugly face but all of our BPDexs on this site are 20+ years older, they're grown adults and are fully aware of what they are saying/doing. My exBPD knew what words and situations to say to just metaphorically stab me.

Now thanks to my dance with BPD, I have set very strong and healthy boundaries in order to "filter" out anyone that I may not percieve as a potential partner. For example, I was talking to a real good looking woman for about a month. She quickly began to tell me about her abusive ex boyfriend punching/abusing her and how she was almost raped and I cut off all things with her. Prior to telling me that, I really didn't see anything wrong with her. I understand that I can't help when it comes to childhood trauma or PTSD and love does not conquer all. It was that same naive thinking that got me into this mess before.

Good points Deleted. And it shows emotional maturity - evil is word we tend to steer away from deleted at bpdfamily - however yes they are accountable. Do we need to do that for them now we are out of the relationship - NO - its not our role.

_____

I think we need to be mindful that we were part of this dance too. Laying 100% blame on the lap of the Borderline will never cause us to open our minds to why we chose a relationship with a Borderline.

In my time here at bpdfamily I have seen lots of members lay blame - this is OK in the beginnings because we grieve - I did it too so I get it - however in time we all begin to see the light that we have to take some responsibility - not for their actions but for ours and why we negated the red flags, why we stayed despite the abuse.

Yes our partners told us how much they loved us, yes they told us we were the only ones, yes they wanted to marry us and have their kids... . BUT... . then came the blame/accusations/abuse/raging... . and we stayed... . where does the accountability lie - with us. So when you begin to be tempted to blame your ex - ask yourself some hard questions - what is it about me that attracted a Borderline? Victims claim poor me - survivors and thrivers know the reasons why they entered this relationship and they heal to never go on to attract another BPD again... . that could be you if you are open to it.

It takes time to see our role - keep looking inward as the answers do not lay with your partner.

why do they try so hard to seem happy? - because you mirror and idealize one another - simple - you are both happy until you both have perceived flaws - they rage and you react - the conflict cycle has begun and generally speaking neither partner is emotionally mature enough to realize what is going on - conflict escalates until both your bubbles burst. That relationship was no longer real it was a fantasy steeped in resentment, anger and shame - it was need for both.

[Deleted]

Clear mind- great post. It's normal after a BPD relationship that one puts the blame on the BPD ex because they were the cause of the pain. However it was us that stayed long enough to  reach that pain. With some soul searching, she's accountable for her childish, selfish, immature, pugnacious behavior. I'm accountable for being naive, Thinking I can help her and as the old saying goes "love conquers all". No. I was too naive and I guess stupid to realize that if someone wants to change its not from external forces. Change comes from within.

[delusionalxox]

So true, Clearmind.

I've really only started to heal this weekend- a real shift, I felt it- because while I simultaneously acknowledged all the abuse I also acknowledged how I skated over it, ignored it, submitted to or even initiated recycling.

When I look at my ex's behaviour, this is a guy I don't really like or respect. Because of the horrible things he did. But I 'loved' him. Eh? What was that about? My issues, that's what.

It is really helping. This board is a godsend eh.

xx

[Clearmind]

Deleted and servalan - I'd say you both are well on your way to learning more about you, who you are, where've you've come from and how you can spot healthy! Good for you  . The Personal Inventory board is a great place to process you.

[scuba02]

I couldn't agree more here... . My relationship was fireworks right from the beginning... . Neither party could do wrong... . Then came the crippling reality of a relationship with a BPD... . Fireworks tuned to nuclear fallout... . Now after being painted black the pictures of her and her new love are endless on social media... . When I look at them (have only seen one) the only thing different is the new "soul mate"... . The same guy that when caught was "disgusting" just weeks before... . I hear the "he's amazing"and "treats me better than you ever could"... . Hey that was me a year ago... . The proverbially "knight in shining armor" that saved her from her last "deadbeat" boyfriend... .

A few small things that tip me off to their happiness are:

Relationship consummation on Facebook. Friends comments of congratulations only to be capped by the exBPD with "i'm just to awesome he didn't have a choice"!

A few likes he had on his page of p@rn actresses which I brought to her attention during brake up... . REMOVED! oh yeah she told me he doesn't need that stuff and more because "i'm enough for him"... . Sure he took those down on his own!

He may think he's happy now but from the outside looking in... . It has already started and he doesn't even know it yet... . I'm not vindictive in the least and sure didn't play into the huge smear campaign (though was close) but had to sit back and smile for a second

At the end of the day she not an evil person she's a sick person... . Just like I feel for the cancer suffer I feel for her... . Its a blessing to know I can clear away the wreckage and come out the other side okay... . For her that may never be possible

Some day I will make an amends... . It will be when this is all safely in the rear view mirror for me and when I know i can say "no thanks' to her in every form... . I will make the amends for me not for her... . Its called cleaning house

   

[Sharkey167]

Great topic guys! This has been a wonderful read and full of reminders! 

[Deleted]

Scuba- I'm more than positive that my BPD ex would if she could have some sort of contact say how great her life is and her description would be verbose. Also I would assume she would say a lot of passive aggressive lines to try to stir some sort of emotion (negative emotions of course). To me it's like they have this vendetta against those who have, in their mind, abandoned them. Nevertheless, whoever their new boy toy is, they are in heaven right now with the amazing sex and the good times. But if they stick around like we did, they better get ready for the proverbially kick in the ass that will leave them spinning for a long time. I now think sometimes in life we need that kick to wake us up maybe. Anyways I'm glad you all enjoyed these posts as I did, very insightful.