Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:01:12 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Looks like I'm going back to court  (Read 2492 times)
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2013, 05:52:52 PM »

I have no idea how I would ever pay for one, since any retainer is 3500 at the least. I only make 11$ an hour

Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #31 on: July 22, 2013, 06:11:11 PM »

I have no idea how I would ever pay for one, since any retainer is 3500 at the least. I only make 11$ an hour

Talk to someone at the court.

There may be free help available.

Or you may be able to ask the court to make the other party pay.

You are still married, so half the money is yours.  If the other party has possession of enough money for a lawyer, he probably has to give you enough for a lawyer too.

Talk to some lawyers who give a free initial consultation and find out what your options are.

I do not believe that you can't have a lawyer because of the cost, but the other party will have a lawyer.  That's not how it works where I live.
Logged

motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #32 on: July 22, 2013, 06:24:51 PM »

I'm actually legally divorced, and have never received alimony or child support.

By the way , I live in Florida.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #33 on: July 22, 2013, 07:19:03 PM »

I'm actually legally divorced, and have never received alimony or child support.

By the way , I live in Florida.

Sorry, I didn't remember you're divorced already.  That may complicate things - the money isn't community property - but I still think you probably can claim that both parties should have attorneys and if you can't afford one he should pay for yours.

Some attorneys offer a free initial consultation.  In 30 minutes you can ask lots of questions and learn a lot.
Logged

motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #34 on: July 22, 2013, 07:22:44 PM »

I also may be able to get free representation from a friend who is a lawyer for child custody cases. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #35 on: July 22, 2013, 07:25:32 PM »

I also may be able to get free representation from a friend who is a lawyer for child custody cases. It's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

Maybe at least some initial advice.

You can do a lot yourself, with an attorney's guidance.
Logged

catnap
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2390



« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2013, 09:39:50 AM »

I think in court if I don't have a lawyer ,and my ex does, his lawyer may not be allowed to represent him.

Not the case where I live (Texas).  Son's exgf did not have a lawyer. . .she was asked several times by the Judge and our attorney if she wanted to delay the custody hearing until she could get counsel.  She refused, so the hearing proceeded. 

Can the DV folks suggest any attorneys you can talk to?

Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2013, 09:58:02 AM »

I think in court if I don't have a lawyer ,and my ex does, his lawyer may not be allowed to represent him.

Not the case where I live (Texas).  Son's exgf did not have a lawyer. . .she was asked several times by the Judge and our attorney if she wanted to delay the custody hearing until she could get counsel.  She refused, so the hearing proceeded. 

Can the DV folks suggest any attorneys you can talk to?

Good point:  the court should allow you to have an attorney, and maybe give you a delay if you need more time, but at some point the process will have to move forward.  You have to take responsibility for finding an attorney and figuring out how she will be paid.
Logged

GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #38 on: July 23, 2013, 11:04:12 AM »

I think in court if I don't have a lawyer ,and my ex does, his lawyer may not be allowed to represent him.

Not the case where I live (Texas).  Son's exgf did not have a lawyer. . .she was asked several times by the Judge and our attorney if she wanted to delay the custody hearing until she could get counsel.  She refused, so the hearing proceeded. 

Can the DV folks suggest any attorneys you can talk to?

Good point:  the court should allow you to have an attorney, and maybe give you a delay if you need more time, but at some point the process will have to move forward.  You have to take responsibility for finding an attorney and figuring out how she will be paid.

This is my take on the situation also.  They won't delay forever.  You have to be responsible for your representation, whether it's by an attorney or on your own with good advisors.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #39 on: July 23, 2013, 04:10:42 PM »

Not having an attorney is a major disadvantage. Maybe we can help you brainstorm how to find someone, even though you're strapped for cash. Money is tight for all of us here, so you'll probably find that others have good ideas how to save on cost, what options are out there for people who don't make a lot.

I just saw inexperienced Ls in court, and saw my ex represent himself. It really makes a difference having someone represent you. Preferably someone competent, but even someone mediocre will be able to explain to you how the process works, and that's a lot right there.

Logged

Breathe.
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #40 on: July 23, 2013, 04:15:34 PM »

Preferably someone competent, but even someone mediocre will be able to explain to you how the process works, and that's a lot right there.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't think it's wise to let even a good, experienced lawyer make the key decisions - this is your life and your child, and you'll have to live with the results, not the lawyer.  You should make all the key decisions based on your own beliefs and values.

But... . even an inexperienced attorney - as LnL says - should at least be able to explain the process and what options you have.  If you don't give the lawyer too much authority that could be a huge help.
Logged

motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #41 on: July 23, 2013, 04:21:45 PM »

I think in court if I don't have a lawyer ,and my ex does, his lawyer may not be allowed to represent him.

Not the case where I live (Texas).  Son's exgf did not have a lawyer. . .she was asked several times by the Judge and our attorney if she wanted to delay the custody hearing until she could get counsel.  She refused, so the hearing proceeded. 

Can the DV folks suggest any attorneys you can talk to?

So far the DV advocates stay away from child custody advice and recommending pro bono lawyers. There were a lot of other women in the group who are in my position now, and they strictly stay away from discussing child custody situations (huge disadvantage)
Logged
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #42 on: July 23, 2013, 04:22:42 PM »

Not having an attorney is a major disadvantage. Maybe we can help you brainstorm how to find someone, even though you're strapped for cash. Money is tight for all of us here, so you'll probably find that others have good ideas how to save on cost, what options are out there for people who don't make a lot.

I just saw inexperienced Ls in court, and saw my ex represent himself. It really makes a difference having someone represent you. Preferably someone competent, but even someone mediocre will be able to explain to you how the process works, and that's a lot right there.

I am extremely strapped for cash, I only make 11$ an hour and have no savings.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #43 on: July 23, 2013, 04:45:34 PM »

OK, as LnL suggests, let's brainstorm possible ways that you might be able to get some help:

1.  Find out if there are free legal services available.  Maybe somebody at the courthouse can advise you about that.

2.  Find out if any local attorneys offer a free initial consultation.  Take as many of those as you can - talk with several attorneys and be prepared with questions so you learn as much as possible in that half hour or so.

3.  Find out if any attorneys will take your case on the basis of being paid out of the settlement.  You'll have to share enough information with them so they can estimate the settlement amount and decide if they're willing to live with that.

4.  Find out if the other party might be obligated to pay your legal fees.

Other ideas anybody?
Logged

motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #44 on: July 23, 2013, 05:08:30 PM »

I am going to use all 4 of those ideas. Thanks for the suggestions!
Logged
Forward2free
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced BPD/NPD/HPDxh
Posts: 555


Kormilda


« Reply #45 on: July 23, 2013, 07:46:40 PM »

Can you get support through a Domestic Violence centre? I know that some of the centres in Australia have lawyers who volunteer their time. They give advice, help you plan strategies and are completely across the games that the other party plays, and how to best equip yourself against them. It might be worth checking to see if you have a similar service available to you too
Logged
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #46 on: July 23, 2013, 09:47:40 PM »

Can you get support through a Domestic Violence centre? I know that some of the centres in Australia have lawyers who volunteer their time. They give advice, help you plan strategies and are completely across the games that the other party plays, and how to best equip yourself against them. It might be worth checking to see if you have a similar service available to you too

I have been attending DV classes and group therapy for about 3 or 4 months. Unfortunately, they do not have any assistance in helping me find a lawyer. Regardless, going to the classes really helps me and clears my mind.
Logged
catnap
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2390



« Reply #47 on: July 24, 2013, 08:21:18 AM »

Brainstorming. . .

Florida Legal Services, Inc. (FLS) is a nonprofit organization founded in 1973.  State-wide program.

www.floridalegal.org/

Legal Aid in Florida Pamphlet

www.floridabar.org/tfb/TFBConsum.nsf/840090c16eedaf0085256b61000928dc/a949d517a480a5a685256b2f006c5c77?OpenDocument

(800) 787-4981 or

Fill out the form below and receive

CONSULTATION without any obligation

As a Parental Advocate Group, ATC's goal is to help parents resolve their legal issues, without having to come up with a retainer fee, or have to worry about paying an attorney by the hour.

ATC is not a law firm and cannot provide legal advice. ATC helps you prepare court documents based on information you select, and provide us.

www.aboutthechildren.org/index.html
Logged
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #48 on: July 24, 2013, 03:36:54 PM »

Brainstorming. . .

Florida Legal Services, Inc. (FLS) is a nonprofit organization founded in 1973.  State-wide program.

www.floridalegal.org/

Legal Aid in Florida Pamphlet

www.floridabar.org/tfb/TFBConsum.nsf/840090c16eedaf0085256b61000928dc/a949d517a480a5a685256b2f006c5c77?OpenDocument

(800) 787-4981 or

Fill out the form below and receive

CONSULTATION without any obligation

As a Parental Advocate Group, ATC's goal is to help parents resolve their legal issues, without having to come up with a retainer fee, or have to worry about paying an attorney by the hour.

ATC is not a law firm and cannot provide legal advice. ATC helps you prepare court documents based on information you select, and provide us.

www.aboutthechildren.org/index.html

Thank you!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Time to make some calls!
Logged
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #49 on: July 24, 2013, 03:49:07 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #50 on: July 24, 2013, 04:02:58 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?

Avoiding court -- meaning can you get your goals met (protecting yourself and your D) without going to court? Or having a judge involved?

Logged

Breathe.
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #51 on: July 24, 2013, 04:06:55 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?

Avoiding court -- meaning can you get your goals met (protecting yourself and your D) without going to court? Or having a judge involved?

Avoiding court as I can't afford the costs and costs for a lawyer.

My ex LOVES conflict and only feels the need to 'win' at all costs. He has no concern over the child, only his own narcissistic feelings.

Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #52 on: July 24, 2013, 04:22:19 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?

Avoiding court -- meaning can you get your goals met (protecting yourself and your D) without going to court? Or having a judge involved?

Avoiding court as I can't afford the costs and costs for a lawyer.

My ex LOVES conflict and only feels the need to 'win' at all costs. He has no concern over the child, only his own narcissistic feelings.

So I'm confused. If you could get a lawyer to help you, one that was maybe not quite free but close to free, would you want one?

You have to at least figure out how court works, and what you need to do, and figure out a strategy, or else you're going to lose a lot more than you've already lost. Hoping that you can avoid court because you can't afford a lawyer is the kind of thinking that is going to sink you.

We're here to help you as much as we can, but you have to be receptive to what people are offering. And then you need to do things to help yourself.

I'm going to be super blunt here because I think I recognize some patterns of thought going on here that I went through myself. Your ex is narcissistic. But you are something too. On some level, being in the role you're in -- the one getting railroaded and bamboozled -- that may be a familiar place for you. Even though it feels awful, it might be comfortable. You know this role, you've been raised to do this, and you probably do it super well. So no doubt it feels terrifying to change how you feel about yourself and what you can do. 

I went through a point where my thinking was so distorted about my own abilities (not surprising, growing up with narcissists, and then marrying one) that my decisions and patterns of thinking were sabotaging me and my situation almost as much as N/BPDx was.

You want a lawyer to represent you in court? Go get one. You can do it. You'll find a way. Don't get discouraged. Don't think about your ex. Think about what you deserve, and what you want for your daughter. Imagine yourself in that court room with a good lawyer who is determined to get justice for every abusive thing your ex has ever done, and who wants to protect you like no one in your life ever has.

Think positively about what is possible here. You might not get everything you want, but you need to start acting like a woman who deserves the best. Because you do. That kind of attitude will draw people to you who believe the same thing. And that's when all of this will start to make sense.

Logged

Breathe.
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #53 on: July 24, 2013, 04:29:03 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?

Avoiding court -- meaning can you get your goals met (protecting yourself and your D) without going to court? Or having a judge involved?

Avoiding court as I can't afford the costs and costs for a lawyer.

My ex LOVES conflict and only feels the need to 'win' at all costs. He has no concern over the child, only his own narcissistic feelings.

So I'm confused. If you could get a lawyer to help you, one that was maybe not quite free but close to free, would you want one?

You have to at least figure out how court works, and what you need to do, and figure out a strategy, or else you're going to lose a lot more than you've already lost. Hoping that you can avoid court because you can't afford a lawyer is the kind of thinking that is going to sink you.

We're here to help you as much as we can, but you have to be receptive to what people are offering. And then you need to do things to help yourself.

I'm going to be super blunt here because I think I recognize some patterns of thought going on here that I went through myself. Your ex is narcissistic. But you are something too. On some level, being in the role you're in -- the one getting railroaded and bamboozled -- that may be a familiar place for you. Even though it feels awful, it might be comfortable. You know this role, you've been raised to do this, and you probably do it super well. So no doubt it feels terrifying to change how you feel about yourself and what you can do. 

I went through a point where my thinking was so distorted about my own abilities (not surprising, growing up with narcissists, and then marrying one) that my decisions and patterns of thinking were sabotaging me and my situation almost as much as N/BPDx was.

You want a lawyer to represent you in court? Go get one. You can do it. You'll find a way. Don't get discouraged. Don't think about your ex. Think about what you deserve, and what you want for your daughter. Imagine yourself in that court room with a good lawyer who is determined to get justice for every abusive thing your ex has ever done, and who wants to protect you like no one in your life ever has.

Think positively about what is possible here. You might not get everything you want, but you need to start acting like a woman who deserves the best. Because you do. That kind of attitude will draw people to you who believe the same thing. And that's when all of this will start to make sense.

Awesome reply! I will re read this every time I'm feeling rail roaded! My mood just went from helpless - to empowered! All in under 5 minutes just reading this. Thank you for that.

If I can afford any lawyer, I will take one (a good one of course) in a blink of an eye!

Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #54 on: July 24, 2013, 04:46:59 PM »

I've got a question

If I make an appointment for mediation (I assume he will not show up) , is there anything I can do as far as avoiding court?

Avoiding court -- meaning can you get your goals met (protecting yourself and your D) without going to court? Or having a judge involved?

Avoiding court as I can't afford the costs and costs for a lawyer.

My ex LOVES conflict and only feels the need to 'win' at all costs. He has no concern over the child, only his own narcissistic feelings.

So I'm confused. If you could get a lawyer to help you, one that was maybe not quite free but close to free, would you want one?

You have to at least figure out how court works, and what you need to do, and figure out a strategy, or else you're going to lose a lot more than you've already lost. Hoping that you can avoid court because you can't afford a lawyer is the kind of thinking that is going to sink you.

We're here to help you as much as we can, but you have to be receptive to what people are offering. And then you need to do things to help yourself.

I'm going to be super blunt here because I think I recognize some patterns of thought going on here that I went through myself. Your ex is narcissistic. But you are something too. On some level, being in the role you're in -- the one getting railroaded and bamboozled -- that may be a familiar place for you. Even though it feels awful, it might be comfortable. You know this role, you've been raised to do this, and you probably do it super well. So no doubt it feels terrifying to change how you feel about yourself and what you can do. 

I went through a point where my thinking was so distorted about my own abilities (not surprising, growing up with narcissists, and then marrying one) that my decisions and patterns of thinking were sabotaging me and my situation almost as much as N/BPDx was.

You want a lawyer to represent you in court? Go get one. You can do it. You'll find a way. Don't get discouraged. Don't think about your ex. Think about what you deserve, and what you want for your daughter. Imagine yourself in that court room with a good lawyer who is determined to get justice for every abusive thing your ex has ever done, and who wants to protect you like no one in your life ever has.

Think positively about what is possible here. You might not get everything you want, but you need to start acting like a woman who deserves the best. Because you do. That kind of attitude will draw people to you who believe the same thing. And that's when all of this will start to make sense.

Awesome reply! I will re read this every time I'm feeling rail roaded! My mood just went from helpless - to empowered! All in under 5 minutes just reading this. Thank you for that.

If I can afford any lawyer, I will take one (a good one of course) in a blink of an eye!

So start doing whatever you can to make that happen. If I were a lawyer living in your state, making a lot of money, and this young woman came in who fiercely loved her daughter, and was fighting to get the best she could for herself and her child, I would take you on pro bono. But I would only do it if you were a fighter. If I believed that you were going to change the script for yourself and your child, and stop the abusive script running through your family tree. If you seemed like someone who was going to pick yourself up and make something of your life -- and I don't mean becoming super successful, just becoming independent -- I would take you under my wing.

There are people like me out there willing to help. But they don't want to do it and then see you sabotage yourself. It's too painful to watch. It makes people feel used.

My lawyer does not take on anyone who walks in her office. She turns people away all the time. She told me after my last trial that she took me because she liked me, and she knew I was going to do whatever it took to help my kid. She got into the business because she had a crappy childhood with more craziness than mine, and told me the business has made her successful, but it burns her out. She wants to see her clients win, but she also wants to see her clients thrive.

Just saying that because if you came into my office with your shoulders down, acting like a victim, seeming discouraged even before talking to me, and not thinking anyone in the world can help you, I would give up on you.

You have to tell people how to treat you. And you have to tell people you are worth it. Because you are. People will believe it when you do.
Logged

Breathe.
motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #55 on: July 24, 2013, 04:55:47 PM »

I hope I can let go of my victim mentality. I have no choice but to grow past it.

I can't wait to find a lawyer. My ex is so intimidating , and so are his family.

I'm not going to let myself feel intimidated anymore.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #56 on: July 24, 2013, 07:04:29 PM »

I'm going to be super blunt here because I think I recognize some patterns of thought going on here that I went through myself. Your ex is narcissistic. But you are something too. On some level, being in the role you're in -- the one getting railroaded and bamboozled -- that may be a familiar place for you. Even though it feels awful, it might be comfortable. You know this role, you've been raised to do this, and you probably do it super well. So no doubt it feels terrifying to change how you feel about yourself and what you can do. 

I went through a point where my thinking was so distorted about my own abilities (not surprising, growing up with narcissists, and then marrying one) that my decisions and patterns of thinking were sabotaging me and my situation almost as much as N/BPDx was.

Honest observation and I agree.  Only you can change yourself.  We and others can support you, but it's your burden (ex) of joy (daughter) to bear.

You want a lawyer to represent you in court? Go get one. You can do it. You'll find a way. Don't get discouraged. Don't think about your ex. Think about what you deserve, and what you want for your daughter. Imagine yourself in that court room with a good lawyer who is determined to get justice for every abusive thing your ex has ever done, and who wants to protect you like no one in your life ever has.

Think positively about what is possible here. You might not get everything you want, but you need to start acting like a woman who deserves the best. Because you do. That kind of attitude will draw people to you who believe the same thing. And that's when all of this will start to make sense.

Quite frankly, the odds are you won't "get everything you want", at least not quickly.  For nearly all of us it is a long struggle to parent, we wish it weren't but we have to accept that reality.  However, you will be surprised that you will get far more than you feel possible right now.

Think back to last year.  You were blocked from your daughter for more than a month, yet you went into court and walked out with equal time.  Then you went to mediation and still walked out with equal time, though now with supervision lifted and exchanges every other day rather than every day as I recall.

I fear that if you go to mediation, that time, effort and contact will be wasted, you'll walk out with little or nothing accomplished.  I think court is best, a judge's decision (or a settlement with a judge staring him down) is probably better than you will get from mediation.  Remember, delay and obstruction is on his side, if there is any change to the current order, it's more likely for him to lose than you, so for him delay, disinformation and obstruction are his best tools.  Put your best case before the judge, or be prepared to, and it likely will go better than you fear.  I see a few things to put as priorities:



  • Exchanges are alternate days, right?  That is simply too frequent to be workable for very long.  You need a free long weekend with your daughter (or without) so you can travel freely and not have to rush right back.  Push for a change, a solution.  Alternate weekends are a standard almost everywhere.  Of course you want to be majority time parent, so you can try to get him assigned alternate weekends and a couple days spaced out in between.  If it has to stay equal time - never agree to anything less of course! - then get it changed to a schedule such as 2-2-5-5 where one of you gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other gets Wed-Thu overnights and then you both alternate the weekends.


  • I repeat, get exchanges to a bare minimum.  That is the biggest stress, the exchanges, it enables personal contact, conflict, manipulation, gaslighting, pressuring and intimidation.


  • Get that 4 day wait for drug testing changed, that's ridiculous.  It should be no more than 24-36 hours at most.  Of course, whatever you demand of him he may try to hold you to, so be aware that you'll have to live a life free of illegal drugs or drunkenness.


  • Seek to become Residential Parent for School Purposes if you aren't already.  That will be crucial when she gets old enough for school.  Whoever is RP gets the child to go to their school and the other has to adapt to it if living outside the district.


  • Accept that you'll almost never be able to make a 'fair' deal with your ex.  He will try to wear you down to accept next to nothing or he will set a trap for you that you won't figure out until later.


  • Get a copy of the holiday schedule, strike out the ones that don't apply and get that added to the court order if not already in force.


  • Etc... . you get the idea, right?  List all your issues, don't trust your memory.  Edit that list over time, probably adding more than removing.  When you hear good ideas and strategies, include them.




So start doing whatever you can to make that happen. If I were a lawyer living in your state, making a lot of money, and this young woman came in who fiercely loved her daughter, and was fighting to get the best she could for herself and her child, I would take you on pro bono. But I would only do it if you were a fighter. If I believed that you were going to change the script for yourself and your child, and stop the abusive script running through your family tree. If you seemed like someone who was going to pick yourself up and make something of your life -- and I don't mean becoming super successful, just becoming independent -- I would take you under my wing.

There are people like me out there willing to help. But they don't want to do it and then see you sabotage yourself. It's too painful to watch. It makes people feel used.

... . And makes them wonder why they ever tried to help you if you can't even manage to help yourself.

That said, you ARE stronger emotionally now.  Yes, your emotions - fight or flight - are still an issue, but you are stronger.  Keep working on yourself, your consistency and your confidence.  Don't worry how you'll achieve your goal, as distant as it may seem to be, just keep doing the small stuff day after day and you'll get there before you know it.

Reality check about being in despair and then feeling empowered... . It's normal for us to have ups and downs, even brief relapses.  But we simply have to bounce back, anything else and the relentless adversary at law, your ex, will take advantage of it.  You do have a weakness here but the good news is that over time you are improving.  Don't be discouraged overmuch.  And if you do feel down, know that it will be briefer and briefer each time.  Down is one thing, hopeless is another.  Feeling down happens to all of us, it's that feeling of hopelessness that you need to overcome, mistakes and poor choices happen when you're feeling hopeless.  In the past year you've used us to help pull you back from despair.  Our goal and yours is to learn to do that for yourself, so you aren't so Dependent on others to put your problems into proper perspective.
Logged

Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #57 on: July 24, 2013, 07:14:13 PM »

I fear that if you go to mediation, that time, effort and contact will be wasted, you'll walk out with little or nothing accomplished.  I think court is best, a judge's decision (or a settlement with a judge staring him down) is probably better than you will get from mediation.  Remember, delay and obstruction is on his side, if there is any change to the current order, it's more likely for him to lose than you, so for him delay, disinformation and obstruction are his best tools.  Put your best case before the judge, or be prepared to, and it likely will go better than you fear.  I see a few things to put as priorities:

This is probably right.  But, where I live, if you refuse to mediate, you'll look bad in the judge's eyes.  (Or at least that's what I was told.)  If you agree to mediate, and nothing is accomplished - and I agree with FD that probably nothing will be accomplished - then at least you will look like you tried.

And... . you might hear the other party say something during mediation that will be helpful.

And... . you might be able to make a proposal, in writing, that the court will view as reasonable, and if the other side doesn't respond in a constructive way, they might not look so reasonable.

The time lost to mediation is a shame, but there may not be much you can do about that, if mediation is considered normal where you live... .
Logged

motherof1yearold
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 645



« Reply #58 on: July 24, 2013, 08:00:56 PM »

Wow I've just had the MOST stressful half hour!

So, we just moved to the 4/3 agreement, with alternating weeks.  Despite paperwork being clear, ex thinks it does not alternate, and that he gets 4 days all the time.

On wednesdays, I have to pick her up at 8 PM. (yes ridiculous- not going to work out !) So I'm waiting for him to bring her out. Never comes out. I call. He says that they are at church , and in the agreement I have to pick her up from the church. (Which isn't true- there are no pick ups from the church) So I get to the church, and he doesn't answer my calls and I have to walk around all the buildings looking for my child.

***So anyways*** - I email my attorney (for the second time) and tell her everything. She sent his lawyer an email days ago telling him that his client is not following the agreement. I truly believe his attorney didn't even pass on the email- maybe because he's looking for cash to go to court. I'm not sure.


So my concerns that will occur in the next week are:

1. He is forcing me to pick her up from the church! My dad shockingly told me to call the police next time it happens because he is manipulating me to pick her up from the church when it is in the agreement that it is strictly at our residences. I feel like calling the police over something petty is not good, but I still can't let him force me to do that. And frankly it really made me angry when he did that today and triggered my PTSD.

2. I'm going to end up having to call the police when he doesn't follow the alternating weekly schedules. The only thing I'm afraid of , is the police officer not being able to verify the documents , and having to wait until a court date, while settling for 3 days a week with my D2.

Sorry for my scattered writing but I'M SO STRESSED!
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #59 on: July 24, 2013, 08:15:24 PM »

No, calling the police when he doesn't comply is not petty, it's what you do when an exchange fails.  This is your yucky opportunity to document who he really is - an uncooperative parent - for court.  However, if your police are like most, I wouldn't count on the police to 'enforce' the order.  They'll push for him to comply but then leave it up to you to get a copy of their report and decide whether to pursue a remedy and consequences in court.

Yes, it sucks, but compared to doing nothing and letting him pull your strings and jerk you around endlessly, it's the way to go.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!