Nowhere to turn

[ursulajane]

Living with a 90 year old mother with BPD - hermit + waif mixture, Tired of feeling guilty for not being able to satisfy her.  Supposed to love and respect your mother and I just want her to go away.  My husband is a saint for having put up with her this long (over 10 years).  Just looking for support as most everything I read says to separate yourself from your borderline parent as much as possible but my mother is too old for me to make a split at this point.  Just want to learn how to cope. 

[mamachelle]

 ursulajane,



We do have many tools here for working on communication with your BPD parent as well as ways to help you cope and heal.

Can you let us know a little more about how your Mother came to live with you and your H?

Do you have other siblings? What is she doing now that makes life difficult?

Here are a few links that should help ease tension.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Reinforcing good behavior, positive reinforcement

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Yours,

mamachelle

[ursulajane]

My mother came to live with us after I lost my father and had to move out of state for a job change.  I have an older sibling who is also I believe BPD because she was the no-good child. She minimizes her contact with my mother for obvious reasons and yet lives only a few miles away.  Is unable to offer help and will help out only if asked and it doesn't interfere with her narcissistic SO plans.  I have a younger sister who is very supportive but hours away and has the ability to delete my mother's negative comments from e-mails and just go on with her life.

I have always been the responsible child - mostly out of necessity - older sibling in trouble and younger sibling emotionally unable to cope as a child.  Heard a lot of "you don't really care if we don't... . "  "you really didn't want to do (such and such)... . did you?"  No validation.  I see now that I served a purpose for her as she could use me as the reflection of what she didn't accomplish in life. Her biggest accomplishment was having children and being a grandmother and I was the only one who didn't provide her with grandchildren. I, however, have the college degrees and professional position.

I am the one she says "I can always rely on" and yet she says so many hurtful things to me - then says I make those statements up to make her look bad.  She attributes this to age when I call her on it but I remember so many times when she was like this when she was younger as well.

She is old, isolated and not into life at all.  Refuses to leave the house as she "doesn't know where she is" in the new city.  Won't meet the elderly neighbors, go to a senior center or have a friendly visitor in.  I feel as if I have tried everything.  Repeatedly wonders (aloud)why she hasn't died and remembers NOT having a choice about moving when she clearly was given other options.

I feel "responsible" for her current dissatisfaction because I uprooted her from her home of 40+ years.  But as I write this I realize I have felt responsible for EVERYTHING my entire life. 

I am so hypervigilant that I sometimes feel as if I can't breathe.  Always looking for what could happen that might be upsetting so I can prevent it or modify it so no one is upset or unhappy.

I am exhausted.  I have not had a day alone in my home for over 12 years.  I take few days off from work because it isn't a day off to be around her and I can't easily leave for any vacation because of the trauma she feels. 

My upbringing tells me I need to love and respect her and I do love her but I certainly don't like her and she can't be reasoned with. 

My best days are when I just agree with her on everything until she takes a "turn" and when I agree she gets upset because "it's good to have a disagreement now and then."  I am ranting but feel like this is a forum where people will understand how scattered my thoughts are.

I "dream" of sitting by the water in an Adirondack chair all alone for hours on end just breathing.  Sad that that is all I can picture for pleasure!

[mamachelle]

ursulajane,

An Adirondack chair by a lake sounds good to me 

I think it's time to look into caring for yourself and taking a break from the care. Small breaks even help. I have many kids (3 bio and 3 step)

and I find work a break too. I love walking and I've started walking again. It helps to clear my mind.

Here are a couple links to look at:

US: Do you suffer from Compassion Fatigue?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

I also think it's ok to reach out to professionals for help if you need a longer break. 12 years is too long to go w/o a vacation I think.

 mamachelle

[zone out]

Ursulajane

Its a pity your mother doesn't realise how lucky she is, living in your home and having your care and attention.  You are a truly unselfish person to have put yourself under this unremitting pressure.  My mother is in her eighties, still living in her own home nearby with me having daily visits or telephone contact - she is an uBPD.

I can identify so much with what you posted - on edge, feeling that your breath is caught - I ended up getting medication for panic attacks which has helped with the physical symptoms but not with the feeling of anxiety.  I too tried to get her involved in elder person social groups but no luck. 

I have read that the disorder can mollify with age but that is not my experience with my mother.

I think that 'mindfulness' is helping me - although some days I am so tense I cannot focus.  There is lots of good information on this site.

Keep reading and posting - there are so many of us with such similar experiences.

Best wishes

Zone out

[Blonde Mermaid]

Ursula, you have the control now.  Your mother is old and dependent on you.  She should be more grateful, it is a shame that she is 90 years old and still is unwilling to change.  I can't imagine dealing with my mother for that long.  I would suggest to bring a therapist home and make her talk to him, condition her stay, the way she has conditioned your life up to this point.

If she doesn't want to talk to the therapist.  Tell her you will send her to a retirement home.  Sounds harsh but if your mother is gonna live 100 years, are you going to start living when she dies? not fair... . you and your husband have put up with so much.  Don't let her destroy your life.  Have you read the "stop walking on egg shells" book?

It tells you ways to regain control... .

[ursulajane]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Have had to log in today after yet another

unsatisfying Saturday. My isolated mother hates weekends because there is nothing on TV. Gets so involved in any family interactions even if they don't involve her. Had a screaming fight yesterday for which I am a lot to blame. Why I can't remember that she can't be reasonable is beyond me. Maybe I am the one who is insane since that definition is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Such a downward spiral when we start our "disagreements". Such vitriolic comments come from her mouth that I want to scream. After months of trying to do things for her and offering to take her places and her saying no because she "doesn't know this new city" and no one who is 90years old is out shopping or going out to eat". She then tells me yesterday that she was "dragged" here and the "only" time I talk with her is when I bring her a piece of pizza on Friday night. I find myself - as does my husband- avoiding her by not going into the kitchen while she is there.  I am sneaking around in MY OWN home. 

I know what I am doing and have been to therapy and told not to engage her but I have people who validate that she baits me and when I don't take the bait she gets out a bigger hook. I am the one who has done the most for her and now feel like a horrible daughter because I talk back to her. I am like the person talking to someone who speaks a different language and when they don't understand you talk louder.

I read a post by someone else who wishes their elderly mother would die in her sleep as she has no real life. I want my mother gone daily and have SO MUCH guilt with that thought.

She says she "never knew I could be like this" but the difference is my beloved father is no longer there to absorb her venom. I try to make light of this by saying my other is COOL which in my world stands for Crabby Obnoxious Old Lady. 

I so appreciate this site as I do learn from it albeit slowly and it saves me from core dumping  on my husband.

[zone out]

Ursulajane,

I'm not surprised you are exhausted - my heart goes out to you.  Is there no way you could get your two sisters involved in a 'family conference' - do they have any realisation of what you are dealing with.  Even if they have their own problems, it isn't fair leaving the responsibility of your mother entirely up to you. I am an only child dealing with an elderly uBPD mother - but you might as well be an only child!    Are there any 'respite' arrangements in your area and/or carers groups where you could get support?

Thankfully my mother still lives in her own home with me phoning or calling daily. She behaves in a similar way when she is in one of her 'episodes', in between she can be quite 'normal' although the in betweens are getting shorter in duration.  I honestly don't know how I would cope if she was living with me.

Think of it this way - you need to protect your health for your own and your mother's sake.  Blonde Mermaid has made a good suggestion re bringing in a therapist - I know my mother would freak if I suggested it but I think there comes a certain stage when you have just had enough... . there has to a line in the sand. 

I would be interested to hear if you have any success with setting boundaries - I have not as yet but I am still working on it.  Keep reading and posting - it helps to know you are not alone.

Best wishes to you

Zone out