Sexual Feelings - Do you have a one night stand just to get it out?

[dangoldfool]

Other ways to build self worth - its still using sex as a validation tool. What lies under all that for you dangoldfool? What are you masking/avoiding?


I guess when my T pry it out of me. I will know the answer to that question.

[causticdork]

I did a one-night-stand after breaking up with my BPDex. The girl I hooked up with was a month out of a five year relationship, and we were both really open about still being pretty messed up over our exes and not wanting to actually date anyone yet.  No one got hurt, no one got "used," but I felt so much worse afterward. I feel like it set me back a solid month in my recovery.  And it's not like I've never had random, casual sex before.  I used to do it all the time, and I'm a big fan of sex for the sake of sex, but I just wasn't prepared for how foreign another human being would feel after all that time thinking she'd be the only person to ever touch me like that again.

Don't rush yourself.  Don't get mixed up with people who aren't available.  But do date as soon as you feel ready.  I'm just finally starting to feel like dipping my toe back in the dating pool, and the flirting and all that stuff feels great right now.  A month ago it felt awkward and forced.  Don't worry about when your friends think it's "normal" to date again.  Date when it feels right.  Don't do it to fill some desperate need.  Don't do it because you're lonely.  You conquer loneliness by learning how to enjoy being alone, NOT by finding someone new to keep you company. 

You'll be fine.  It's a process and it takes a different amount of time for everyone. 

[ZigofZag]

As a man with desires I would rather wait for a meaningful encounter than have two bits of skin rubbing together and use someone whilst being used.

I am worth more, as my next sexual partner will be. Better to have at least some emotion to make love rather than a cheap moment which we would both regret. The only positive outcome being the results of an STI / STD test.

Women who place a high personal value on themselves are extremely attractive to decent blokes. I wish you all the best.

[dangoldfool]

Ok I get all the advice to wait for the perfect mate and all, I know in my head it’s the right way to go in the long haul. I think.

BUT take the situation out away from the issue of coming from a bad relationship with a BPD.

Back when we all were in are prime age 20, 30 years old. When going out and you were single, meant trying to get laid. Not speaking directly about myself at the moment, but many of my friends would not wait and date someone forever. It was for a simple hook-up. A one night stand. A mutual sexual release of two possibly drunk people. I know it may not have been but a few minutes of enjoyment for them, or maybe not... . But this type stuff happens everywhere ever day.

Why are we (Me) singled out of what has gone on for many decades, where a boy meets girl, and both are needing that connection regardless, if it a good connection or not.

If it was satisfying, they might meet up again, if not they moved on.

Is it because I’m damaged goods, because of the relationship I’ve been through, with a BPD. That this advice is given to me.

Or is it that people who have had the relationships I’ve talked about above, where damaged and they did not know it. And maybe they are the BPD person now.

The waiting for the right relationship would seem like the healthier relationship choice for the wise over the long haul.

I’m just wonder if you don’t sample all of the ice cream flavors, how will you know what’s your favorite flavor? Rant over.

[gallerykey]

If i find a flavour i like im happy to stick with it, some call it boring or not adventurous but if i like it and im happy why should i feel the need to try others just to come back to the one i liked and find out its "sold out" for one way of putting it.

Im lonely, im craving for some affection but i think i know deep down instant sex wont be enough for me. I want the whole package to last me a very long time and will be happy (as such) to wait for that and do the dating inbetween. Dates will also give compliments, and hopefully meet some new friends along the way... .

[Want2know]

The waiting for the right relationship would seem like the healthier relationship choice for the wise over the long haul.

I’m just wonder if you don’t sample all of the ice cream flavors, how will you know what’s your favorite flavor? Rant over.

I don't think you get to really know someone by having casual sex.  Sampling all the flavors through a physical realm is pretty superficial.  I think that's how many of us got into our BPD relationships - because of the sexual connection.

[SweetCharlotte]

Just a caveat about having sex after a break up.  You may think it's about releasing sexual tension, but be aware that you may get into something that can lead to more confusion.

I have to concur that the concept of "releasing tension" through recreational sex has no validity for me. When I don't have a real partner, only masturbation accomplishes that.

[elessar]

Speaking for myself, sex isn't just a physical thing for me. I seek more - an emotional connection. Ergo, I am a 28 year old male, but my BPD ex is the only woman I have ever been with. Maybe I am the sentimental type, but I do not want to cheapen sex by having it with anyone. But only with someone I make a real connection with. That is my personal opinion.

Now if I may be pardoned for talking about others, would I go out with a girl who has slept with 15 guys? If she is 30 years old and has had 15 different relationships, then yes. But if she 10 of those guys have been one-night stands/random hook-ups, I would be wary because it does point to a deeper problem. I believe Clearmind wrote about it earlier. It is just that, I might be wary that she won't last for long either. If she sleeps around or goes through guys quickly, maybe I will be one of those guys too. Or maybe she has low self-esteem or something else. This is my hypothesis of being wary of someone who has had 5 relationships vs 5 one-night stands. Sorry if I offended anyone.

As for trying out different flavors, I really dislike that because I have seen that happen where someone has broken a perfectly good relationship to see what else is out there. To let go of something so good because you think grass might be greener, I will have a hard time trusting such a person because she will always be looking for something better. But if someone isn't in a relationship and is going through different flavors, well, one can as long as they know they do not miss the right flavor while trying out all the flavors. But breaking up to see what else is out there, that really really irks me because right now my ex is talking to a lot of guys online. None she likes, but according to her words "what she must have done at 19, she is doing at 29". I hate it because - just coz she didn't drink, do drugs, wear skimpy outfits and go clubbing, sleep around at 19 does not mean it is something she has to do at 29. but she believes everyone did that at 19, so she has to now.

my final point - cherish what you have. i have chased around crushes when she had left me for 4 years... . it was never fulfilling. it never felt good. and after a few months (I was 22 then) i stopped... . just because she left me does not mean I have to be with someone. I will just wait for the right one.

hopefully I did not offend anyone.

[elessar]

I have to concur that the concept of "releasing tension" through recreational sex has no validity for me. When I don't have a real partner, only masturbation accomplishes that.[/quote]
yes, I wanted to write that in my reply but thought it might be too much. if i have to release the stress, i have my left hand. but i am afraid of casual sex because god forbid that person develops feelings while i am not. I do not want to be the cause of someone's heartbreak. plus it never interested me.

[Undone123]

Speaking for myself, sex isn't just a physical thing for me. I seek more - an emotional connection. Ergo, I am a 28 year old male, but my BPD ex is the only woman I have ever been with. Maybe I am the sentimental type, but I do not want to cheapen sex by having it with anyone. But only with someone I make a real connection with. That is my personal opinion.

Now if I may be pardoned for talking about others, would I go out with a girl who has slept with 15 guys? If she is 30 years old and has had 15 different relationships, then yes. But if she 10 of those guys have been one-night stands/random hook-ups, I would be wary because it does point to a deeper problem. I believe Clearmind wrote about it earlier. It is just that, I might be wary that she won't last for long either. If she sleeps around or goes through guys quickly, maybe I will be one of those guys too. Or maybe she has low self-esteem or something else. This is my hypothesis of being wary of someone who has had 5 relationships vs 5 one-night stands. Sorry if I offended anyone.

As for trying out different flavors, I really dislike that because I have seen that happen where someone has broken a perfectly good relationship to see what else is out there. To let go of something so good because you think grass might be greener, I will have a hard time trusting such a person because she will always be looking for something better. But if someone isn't in a relationship and is going through different flavors, well, one can as long as they know they do not miss the right flavor while trying out all the flavors. But breaking up to see what else is out there, that really really irks me because right now my ex is talking to a lot of guys online. None she likes, but according to her words "what she must have done at 19, she is doing at 29". I hate it because - just coz she didn't drink, do drugs, wear skimpy outfits and go clubbing, sleep around at 19 does not mean it is something she has to do at 29. but she believes everyone did that at 19, so she has to now.

my final point - cherish what you have. i have chased around crushes when she had left me for 4 years... . it was never fulfilling. it never felt good. and after a few months (I was 22 then) i stopped... . just because she left me does not mean I have to be with someone. I will just wait for the right one.

hopefully I did not offend anyone.

My ex had been in love 9 times (that she told me about)... . I'd be far more wary of the person who had 15 relationships, than the person who had 15 one nighters! Just my two penneth.

In fact one thing I have learned is to never go for a serial monogamist. I'd far rather be with "miss independent" than "miss I can't be on my own so bounce from one relationship to the other"

[elessar]

My ex had been in love 9 times (that she told me about)... . I'd be far more wary of the person who had 15 relationships, than the person who had 15 one nighters! Just my two penneth. [/quote]
i agree. that was my bad. thinking about it after i wrote it, it did not sound right. i would be ok with someone who has had 2-3 drunk one-night stands in their life than 15 relationships. that means they cannot sustain it. probably a few long term relationships. yeah... . you are correct. as my bio teacher in high school said a long time back - too much of anything is bad... . except bio! haha... . serial monogamist means big issues. i know a few like that in my life. never single for a month. never since school days. even after a 5 year relationship, next one within a month.

[dangoldfool]

If i find a flavour i like im happy to stick with it, some call it boring or not adventurous but if i like it and im happy why should i feel the need to try others just to come back to the one i liked and find out its "sold out" for one way of putting it.

Im lonely, im craving for some affection but i think i know deep down instant sex wont be enough for me. I want the whole package to last me a very long time and will be happy (as such) to wait for that and do the dating inbetween. Dates will also give compliments, and hopefully meet some new friends along the way... .

Ok, this is part of my point, you said (if I find a flavor I like I'm happy to stick with it). To find this flavor would possibly suggest you tried a few different flavors, Yes?

And I agree with you 100 percent, once you find that 1 flavor, your locked in for the long haul.

So after a BPD blow up, what has changed with us that trying different flavors (not necessarily many one night stands) is seen as taboo. Or is it just err on the side of caution advice. What is wrong with just kicking the tires,taking it for a spin.wink/wink)

 

[Want2know]

It depends on what you want.  If one just wants sex, then so be it.  I'm not sure how one would figure out a persons values by having sex.  As a matter of fact, what you might find is they are lacking in solid values and boundaries if they are willing to have a one nighter. 

I want to say that I've been there before, so I'm not being judgmental.  I can tell you from experience that I had no clue what it took to be in a solid, healthy relationship, and it showed by my lack of self-control on a physical level.

Think of that girl or guy that you are wanting to have sex with, and then think of them as your daughter or son.  What is it you want to teach them about sex and relationships?  That's it's ok to do it and not build something more solid first?

[WalrusGumboot]

I cannot think of a single one-nighter I had in the past that was memorable, on the contrary, they seemed cheap. There are too many things missing... anticipation and flirting are the first two that come to mind. If it seems cheap to me, then it probably seems cheap to the other person, and that in itself is a turnoff. To me, some things are better off left in the mind, because making it a reality is a let-down. That is just my opinion based on experience. There are probably some that really like it. It is just not for me.