Tell me there is nothing I can do... for sure

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Surnia, thank you for your earlier post. It helped.

For 4 years, on and off, I have taken the abuse, the hurt, the lies... . gosh so many lies, the lets downs, the awfulness of being blamed, the awfulness of trying to understand, the awfulness of pwBPD.

For me the grounding and reality of my life is when my niece (16 yrs old) hugs and kisses me and says,... . 'uncle, thank you for being here for me and my brother (9 yrs old), I love you... ( I saw her this evening)... . or when my friends say 'Zack, you're a decent man, a good man, I can't imagine people not liking you', a friend said that to me during a conversation today.

I know I'm a decent man, a kind man, happy, fulfilled. a good soldier. I guess I struggle with the fact that someone can treat me so badly, without care, empathy.

For me closure would be for a GP, a specialist, a professional or someone of the like, saying... . 'Zack, she was very ill, you could never have saved her, there was nothing you could have done to fix the relationship, to fix her, a professional diagnosis. I guess I struggle with the fact that I don't know for sure that she was pwBPD, I'm only guessing... .

Does that make sense?... For me I sometimes think... . 'Zack, it was you, your fault she behaved the way she did'... . and then my niece kisses me... .

Zack

[Zack]

Surnia, thank you for your earlier post. It helped.

For 4 years, on and off, I have taken the abuse, the hurt, the lies... . gosh so many lies, the lets downs, the awfulness of being blamed, the awfulness of trying to understand, the awfulness of pwBPD.

For me the grounding and reality of my life is when my niece (16 yrs old) hugs and kisses me and says,... . 'uncle, thank you for being here for me and my brother (9 yrs old), I love you... ( I saw her this evening)... . or when my friends say 'Zack, you're a decent man, a good man, I can't imagine people not liking you', a friend said that to me during a conversation today.

I know I'm a decent man, a kind man, happy, fulfilled. a good soldier. I guess I struggle with the fact that someone can treat me so badly, without care, empathy.

For me closure would be for a GP, a specialist, a professional or someone of the like, saying... . 'Zack, she was very ill, you could never have saved her, there was nothing you could have done to fix the relationship, to fix her, a professional diagnosis. I guess I struggle with the fact that I don't know for sure that she was pwBPD, I'm only guessing... .

Does that make sense?... For me I sometimes think... . 'Zack, it was you, your fault she behaved the way she did'... . and then my niece kisses me... .

Zack

[dangoldfool]

We all, on a daily basis beat are self's up about the question did we do enough. Could I've done more. My GF took off on me with a child sex molester new BF. I wondered what did I do, say, think. that would have caused this. I had no knowledge about this BPD until all this blew up on me. It wasn't until I was trying to figure what is wrong with me, that I stumbled on to this place. And the puzzle started to come together. At this point I know I did everything and more to make my GF happy. I didn't lie, she did. I didn't cheat, She did. I deserve to be happy and respected. She just not capable to give me that. I miss her deeply.

Your possible fault would be you cared to much, and became a rescuer. You need to investigate that issue.   

[momtara]

Zack, she was very ill, you could never have saved her, there was nothing you could have done to fix the relationship, to fix her... .

Well, I'm not a doctor.

Maybe it would help you to know that you probably made her life a lot better for the time that you were in it?

And that there are women out there who will love you just as much, without makign you have to stifle your breaths, jump through hoops, close yourself off during certain periods?

These relationships really mess us up, sometimes forever.  So feel however you want to feel, and even feel free to hope and dream of seeing her again or whatever you do... . I get it.  But please know that it wasn't you!

And that deep inside, she knows that too.

I think maybe if you see a professional, they will tell you the same.  You really seem like a great guy. 

[momtara]

oh, there is always the small small chance that if you forced her into dbt therapy, maybe it would work over time.  but it is very hard for someone to realize they need a therapist.  and we can all see why.  what if I told you that all of YOUR thoughts and feelings weren't normal?  That would probably make you defensive too... .

[Validation78]

Hi Zack!

I know you're hurting right now, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not uncommon to feel the way you do after a breakup with a pwBPD!

Does it matter whether or not she has BPD? I mean she was abusive, hurtful and a liar. Those are things that you were not willing to accept. They are not what a healthy relationship consists of. Bottom line is, you don't need an official diagnosis to know this!

If she is a pwBPD, you didn't cause it and you cannot fix it. You can however, feel better yourself, and you will. You sound like you have a good place to start, and have a wonderful life to look forward to. Take care of yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78