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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Wife now living with boyfriend  (Read 360 times)
Hazelrah
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« on: August 12, 2013, 08:09:49 PM »

Well, today my suspicions were confirmed... . my separated dBPDw is living with her recycled dirtbag boyfriend.  This is a person she has had a long, sordid history with, a person that continually interfered in our marriage and has long had feelings for my W.  He really is a complete mess, a drug addicted, dark and dysfunctional person who had terrified her with his dangerous behaviors in the past.  I can't say I'm completely surprised, but I am hurt beyond belief.  She suddenly has a real job for the first time since we married, and is claiming to be truly happy for the first time in years, despite what she told me during the course of our intense relationship.

I am a caring, attractive, successful man... . a musician, a writer, and career professional that did everything I could to make my wife happy as she battled her many demons.  To say I feel betrayed doesn't do justice to the word.  I suppose dysfunctional people belong with one another, but this is a woman I loved with all of my heart.  This is just the latest twist of the knife from a woman that had me so blinded I'm embarrassed to even think about it. 
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2013, 10:06:44 AM »

You deserve a hug! 

You were great to your wife, so that is something you can be proud of regardless -- that you did your best. You should also doubt her words especially the ones saying she's "truly happy" because that's very doubtful! Hang in there.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2013, 10:29:52 AM »

Sorry to hear of your pain really.  But you can hold your head about the facts:  that you tried as much as you could to take care of her but it didn't work.   It will hurt for some time, but try not to make any hasty decisions at the moment, go find the people you know you can trust and sit down and talk to them, take a trip, talk to a counselor, a preacher, a psychologist, whoever you can get that will listen and offer up some ideas... . its not a quick fix, but it will get better.   And if she is BPD, she will at some point come back around to see what you are up to, be prepared. 
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Hazelrah
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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2013, 11:55:31 AM »

Thanks for the virtual hug and kind words, Learning Curve and Scotisgone.   I am so glad to have found this site--besides therapy, it has been the most helpful outlet for me as I go through all of this.  Reading the stories and seeing the similarities in my pwBPD has at least allowed me to realize I'm not alone.

What I'm having a hard time with is learning I never really knew the person whom I considered my best friend, someone I loved and trusted unconditionally.  I've also come to realize that my codependency and my own fear of abandonment led me to brush aside too much of her questionable behavior.     

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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2013, 07:54:06 PM »

Well, today my suspicions were confirmed... . my separated dBPDw is living with her recycled dirtbag boyfriend.  This is a person she has had a long, sordid history with, a person that continually interfered in our marriage and has long had feelings for my W.  He really is a complete mess, a drug addicted, dark and dysfunctional person who had terrified her with his dangerous behaviors in the past.  I can't say I'm completely surprised, but I am hurt beyond belief.  She suddenly has a real job for the first time since we married, and is claiming to be truly happy for the first time in years, despite what she told me during the course of our intense relationship.

I am a caring, attractive, successful man... . a musician, a writer, and career professional that did everything I could to make my wife happy as she battled her many demons.  To say I feel betrayed doesn't do justice to the word.  I suppose dysfunctional people belong with one another, but this is a woman I loved with all of my heart.  This is just the latest twist of the knife from a woman that had me so blinded I'm embarrassed to even think about it. 

I feel your pain because I'm going through the same thing atm. Although she didn't recycle, she threw herself at the first person that she could have sex with and he's not attractive, a druggie and a shell of a man. The complete opposite of me.

I gave her my heart and cared for her unconditionally and was denigrated and raged on and I was confused beyond belief. She not only hurt me, but 5 people in the process and can't acknowledge what she has done to me and her kids because she lives in the now and can't see the consequences of her actions. I'm in the black and he's in the white. It's messed up. The best thing is to go NC, separate yourself from all of the madness for your own mental health and take care of yourself. I'm not completely healed, but I feel better as the weeks go by.
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Hazelrah
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2013, 08:18:01 PM »

Hey Mutt,

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.  I guess I should consider myself lucky that kids aren't involved. 

I have gone as LC as I possibly can at this point--you're right, it does help to a degree. Yet it's unreal how they can turn their emotions off for you in the blink of an eye.  She made no attempt to find out if I was okay after falling off a ladder and injuring myself removing her crap from our attic; she made no attempt to acknowledge a recent birthday.  She simply asked where her next handout was going to come from.

I hope you continue to heal, along with the rest of your family. 

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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2013, 09:26:34 PM »

Hey Mutt,

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.  I guess I should consider myself lucky that kids aren't involved.  

I have gone as LC as I possibly can at this point--you're right, it does help to a degree. Yet it's unreal how they can turn their emotions off for you in the blink of an eye.  She made no attempt to find out if I was okay after falling off a ladder and injuring myself removing her crap from our attic; she made no attempt to acknowledge a recent birthday.  She simply asked where her next handout was going to come from.

I hope you continue to heal, along with the rest of your family.  

Thanks Hazelrah. It really irks me that she started having this guy sleeping over the 3rd week after she left and with the kids there. I know exactly what you mean.  Weeks before she left she was avoiding me in the house, silent treatment wand was constantly out with OM and slept over there a couple of times.

She went completely no contact with me as well after she left and only communicates if it's a need for her. My daughter wanted her to get me something for Father's Day this year and she was with her mom, she gave her a 1$ scratch and win (after all of the money that I have to this woman) It's the first year and I've made mistakes.

It's incredible how they completely turn their emotions off like a switch and are oblivious to the pain that they cause to the people around them, yet they are in constant pain. I was looking through some wedding photos and I could see what felt like a compassionate person, a soul mate and a friend. This was 5 years ago. The landscape today is completely flipped around. I see a person that could care less if I died.
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Hazelrah
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2013, 09:54:20 PM »

Hey Mutt,

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.  I guess I should consider myself lucky that kids aren't involved. 

I have gone as LC as I possibly can at this point--you're right, it does help to a degree. Yet it's unreal how they can turn their emotions off for you in the blink of an eye.  She made no attempt to find out if I was okay after falling off a ladder and injuring myself removing her crap from our attic; she made no attempt to acknowledge a recent birthday.  She simply asked where her next handout was going to come from.

I hope you continue to heal, along with the rest of your family. 

Thanks Hazelrah. It really irks me that she started having this guy sleeping over the 3rd week after she left and with the kids there. I know exactly what you mean.  Weeks before she left she was avoiding me in the house, silent treatment wand was constantly out with OM and slept over there a couple of times.

She went completely no contact with me as well after she left and only communicates if it's a need for her. My daughter wanted her to get me something for Father's Day this year and she was with her mom, she gave her a 1$ scratch and win (after all of the money that I have to this woman) It's the first year and I've made mistakes.

It's incredible how they completely turn their emotions off like a switch and are oblivious to the pain that they cause to the people around them, yet they are in constant pain. I was looking through some wedding photos and I could see what felt like a compassionate person, a soul mate and a friend. This was 5 years ago. The landscape today is completely flipped around. I see a person that could care less if I died.

I got the silent treatment the last month, as well.  She painted me black with a new therapist and her sister who was also in the midst of a divorce mixed with a dysfunctional post-marital relationship.

As much as my situation hurts, I really feel for those who have children involved in their stories.  Situations like this can scar them for a good many years... . it's likely why I deal with such a fear of abandonment myself--a drug-addled hippy father that left my mother when I was barely a year old still haunts me in my relationships today.

Keep to the NC as best you can--as you said yourself, it serves to separate you from the madness of a nearly impossible situation.
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2013, 05:41:26 PM »



I'm sorry to hear about your father.

She projected on me about the silent treatment and said it's a form of abuse after she had checked and made "calls" because she suspected she was being abused!

I stayed in this relationship not knowing what the real issue was and kept trying, she sensed abandoment when I threatened divorce when things were not working and she beat me to the punch. I was trying to convey that something was going to have to fundamently change and I really wanted to stay together for the kids and work on the marriage.

She has done monumental damage in my mind. Yes, kids are more resilient than adults when it comes to change. Yes, it's not good to stay together if there is high conflict but it's like she's unraveled herself more so this year than any other.

She broke up and moved out from me and was seeing her replacement while we where still together. She ejected her daughter to her father's (daugther has not seen her dad for 14 years and the wife was always causing conflict with him and denying him from seeing her) when the step daughter is old enough to fight back, the kids where introduced much much too early,  a new man in the house sleeping over there way too soon, being constantly shuffled to family and friends for being watched because the wife is paying more attention to the boyfriend. I have no respect for a man that is willing to get in the middle of a marriage and be around my kids in the way that he did. He's a loser.

I'm going to court at the end of the month for a caseflow session. The wife is now saying that she is wanting to move possibly up to 5 hours away because "if I can make my self happier I'll do it!" So I'm going to be trying to get a consent order (won't work with her because she can't agree on anything and is determined in doing what she wants to do) so it's going to be ex-parte to keep the kids in their primary city of residence. There is no way I am letting her have the kids away from their dad. I'm the one that is balance and they need me. She went no contact once she left and is absolute hell to deal with for access so that's why I'm taking her to court. But I can't imagine how much more difficult she would be if she left the city.
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