Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 01:52:22 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: are you still in love with them?  (Read 4374 times)
simplyasiam
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 372


« on: August 18, 2013, 06:53:27 PM »

for me its been four going on five months ex has been. i spent whole summer dealing with push/pull. ive only seen her one time in last two months. went no contact for the 3rd time five days ago.

im really starting to wonder if i still love her or do i just hate being alone. i kinda feel if i met someone that i had some type of spark with i would be able to to go with it this time.

im not sure if single i would ever be able to stay away from her when she reachs out to me.

i told her last time we talked how i felt what this r/s had done to me. and that she should let me heal and never contact me again.

im sure what i told went in one ear and out the other.

im not fooling myself and thinking she will never come at me again, im almost sure she will as shes always told me im her save person and as soon as her really feels bad.
Logged
LoneWolf768
Formerly Braveheart768
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 99


WWW
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2013, 07:26:28 PM »

simply, I fight with those same questions almost every day now. I want to say I love her, but at the same time, I can't forgive her for all the lies and BS she put me through. I want to recognize the good woman in her but then I remember all the really despicable, hurtful, below-the-belt insults and personal attacks on my character by her. Now, I'm no angel. I did my share, too, and while I'm ashamed of it, I was just trying to defend myself. Still, I feel regret, guilt and shame for what I said to her. If I could send her an apology and thought she'd read it and accept it and not threaten me again with the police and harassment charges I would do it in a second.

I know it isn't love in the pure sense because no one in their right mind would say they love someone and verbally and emotionally abuse them, lies to them repeatedly, avoid their mate's family and keeping their loved one away from theirs and generally exhibits some really odd behavior over the most ridiculous things. Love is supposed to feel good. I tried to get her to buy into the team-playing mentality, but she was out for herself. She had all kinds of plans for our future: having our own place, being her daughters step Daddy, building a relationship with trust, loyalty, faith and commitment, etc. but it was all lip service. I became her FWB. She cut me loose and threw more daggers at me, and I threw some back. I wasn't going to let her get over on me without me giving her a piece of my mind. Had I know I would regret it this much, I'd have just walked away.

Do I think about her? Yes. DO I miss her? Yes. Do I wish we were still in each others lives? Yes.  Does she think about me? No. Does she miss me? No. Does she wish were were still friends and still in each others lives? No. It hurts,too.

I thought I loved her. Maybe I did when it was good. It got ugly and ugly fast and deep. Love should endure. It wasn't love after all, I guess... .
Logged
BlushAndBashful
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 642



« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2013, 07:53:18 PM »

I'm two years out, and I love- truly, deeply love- the man I thought I met. The man that I thought existed. Unfortunately, that man is an Illusion- much like a fictional character. It's similar to how we still continue to love relatives who have passed away- the love doesn't die.

The "real" man? Nope, can't stand him, and wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. I avoid him at all costs. He turns my stomach.
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2013, 08:39:48 PM »

I keep reading my story and seeing my feelings over and over again. So much identifying in the posts that I read here. I should be great full that I got out with my life. Sounds like drama but that's how I feel. So terrible for both of us. Lasted way too long
Logged
Perfidy
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced/18 years Single/5 months that I know of.
Posts: 1594



« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2013, 08:43:13 PM »

Seems like nothing was real. No real love. No real feelings. No real emotion. No real commitment. The pain was the only real thing.
Logged
Emelie Emelie
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2013, 09:18:14 PM »

I'm still in love with him.  Head over heels completely and totally.  I don't want to be.  But I am.  I fully admit it.  I'm six weeks out and still cry a lot every day.  Total basket case.  I've been so worried about running into him when he's out with someone new.  But today I had another thought... . what if I never see him again?  That started a whole new crying jag.  Crying again now just thinking about it.  But I'd rather never see him again than see him with someone else.  I was single for a long time and married and divorced before I met him.  I honestly don't think I ever loved anyone as much as I do him.  It's over.  And it needs to be over.  But do I still love him?  Oh yeah.
Logged
fiddlestix
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 210


« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2013, 09:29:00 PM »

If love is an ever expanding sense of care, respect, acceptance, and compassion with, and for, another person, I am not sure if my exBPDw and I ever had that.  It horrifies me to think that it was all (25 years) a weird, self-serving black hole.  I thought I loved her, and she me.  But maybe we were both simply surviving with the tools we had: me a rescuing codependent, convinced that no other woman would have me; she an abusive, cheating, lying manipulator.  All of her childhood and adult history and behaviors are textbook BPD (early rapes, absent/negligent parents, booze, drugs, promiscuity, countless boyfriends... . ).  And she told me she is bipolar with borderline traits (she is a practicing therapist).  Am I still in love with her?  I do not know.  :)id I ever love her in a healthy way?  I do not know.  I do know that I am addicted to her. Does the recovering addict "love" booze, even though it will surely kill him/her?  I am NC, despite the fact we have three kids (24, 20, 13).  When I do see her driving around town  my heart races and I sweat.  I still desire her sexually in a powerful way.   But she is toxic with her rage, temper, insults, put-downs, lies, affairs... .  She recently wanted to give "us" another try. She was warm, flirty, complimentary... . I took the bait, only to be cast aside once again when she found a more interesting/sexier (whatever) man. No explanation from her; she just blew me off.  Perhaps that r/s will run its course as well, complete with the scalding hellscape I endured (as well as many other lovers/losers she took while married to me).  As I write, I feel more anger than love. That's for sure.  But damn her!  She occupies 75% of my waking thoughts!  
Logged
papawapa
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 236


« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2013, 09:36:00 PM »

Yes I still love her. I know that I will always love her.

Since it takes two to be in love I can say that I am not in love with her.
Logged
LoneWolf768
Formerly Braveheart768
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 99


WWW
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2013, 09:46:09 PM »

I'm two years out, and I love- truly, deeply love- the man I thought I met. The man that I thought existed. Unfortunately, that man is an Illusion- much like a fictional character. It's similar to how we still continue to love relatives who have passed away- the love doesn't die.

Mauser, that's what some of my closest lady friends keep telling me: "The woman you thought you loved wasn't real. She was an illusion."

Excellent description of how we still hang on to them and love them like a deceased relative. The person we fell in love with is, in a sense, deceased. I agree with your point wholeheartedly. I hate to admit it, and I still cry 2 or 3 times a week over her like she's gone and never, ever coming back because she's 'deceased'.

While I do truly believe she'll never contact me again (contrary to what the BPD description says about ex BPD'ers one day contacting us), in a way I hope she does just so I know she's still alive. Bu I also know if she does, I'll be expecting someone rationale with feelings to talk to and that just isn't possible with her. My hopes with her were way too high.
Logged
sadinnc98
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 256



« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2013, 09:50:52 PM »

I'm still in love with him.  Head over heels completely and totally.  I don't want to be.  But I am.  I fully admit it.  I'm six weeks out and still cry a lot every day.  Total basket case.  I've been so worried about running into him when he's out with someone new.  But today I had another thought... . what if I never see him again?  That started a whole new crying jag.  Crying again now just thinking about it.  But I'd rather never see him again than see him with someone else.  I was single for a long time and married and divorced before I met him.  I honestly don't think I ever loved anyone as much as I do him.  It's over.  And it needs to be over.  But do I still love him?  Oh yeah.

This pretty much sums up exactly how I feel although I am only 5 days post break up... . I am crushed.
Logged
DeRetour
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Recently broke up from relationship
Posts: 197


« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2013, 09:51:07 PM »

Simplyasiam,

That's a good question. It definitely got some wheels turning for me. It's been a month since the breakup. Am I still in love with my uBPD-exGF?

I'd say this past month has been more of a detox from a volatile mixture of intense feeling. No, I'm not in love with her anymore. It hurts me to say that. It's now more feelings of: anger, sorrow, wanting to make sense of this whole thing, sadness, moments of deep pity for her, frustration with her and myself for being stupid enough to think that I had a life partner. Sorry.

When I think about it, she came into my life and awakened all kinds of old, repressed emotional stuff - tapped right into my desire, fears, insecurities, and brought them to the surface. So, in that sense I'm thankful. Maybe I'll even post another thread about this.

Thanks for such a good question, Simply.
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2013, 10:23:14 PM »

No and after much examination of what love is - I never did love him in the first place. I needed to be needed and needed to be loved and idealized.

Realizing this was a turning point and I soon worked on detaching. Holding onto the fantasy that it was mutual love for me was a mute point. We needed each other for a while.

Love lasts, lust is fireworks.

_____

simplyasiam, how do you define love?
Logged

laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2013, 03:37:03 AM »

No and after much examination of what love is - I never did love him in the first place. I needed to be needed and needed to be loved and idealized.

Realizing this was a turning point and I soon worked on detaching. Holding onto the fantasy that it was mutual love for me was a mute point. We needed each other for a while.

Love lasts, lust is fireworks.

_____

simplyasiam, how do you define love?

This... .
Logged
VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549



« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2013, 04:00:18 AM »

No I'm not.

I really think I have emotionally detached from my x.

Deep inside I feel maybe Clearminds post is also true for me. Although I know I had 'rescuer-issues', I'm not ready to accept this as a 100%-truth. I like the thought there was love once... .
Logged
snappafcw
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 295


« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2013, 04:03:51 AM »

I loved my girlfriend. Despite having my own issues CO-dependant tendencies etc I respected her as best i could, wanted the best for her, supported her, was selfless for her... . I think all those things are love. Unfortunately I didn't get all that back. She said she loved me. But love is a verb. Actions not words.
Logged
WXYZ
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 79


« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2013, 04:30:06 AM »

But love is a verb. Actions not words.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

But to answer the OP - a resounding no!

Clearmind nailed it: needed to be needed, came to my senses & threw in the towel

If I found her in the gutter, I'll ring an ambulance, wait till it arrived then walk away ... . a good Samaritan kinda love but that's as far as it goes

Logged
Nearlybroken
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174


« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2013, 05:01:15 AM »

Yes ... . and I suspect I always will be.But the sad thing is that he cannot love me back.He has shown this on so many occasions.It's sad .
Logged
simplyasiam
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 372


« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2013, 05:40:49 AM »

Hello clear clearmind. How I feel about love.I'm not really sure at this point. I know I want it and don't have it. I know I can love again. I know it a matter of just eeting the right person. I know if meeting them took to long I could fall into this trap again. I'm not even really out of this trap yet. Only at day 6 of nc. I would b a fool. To think she is totaly done and will not come at me again. In a lot of way I want her to come and try, would only set me back but atleast would have hope... . how sick am I? For now all that helps me is knowing I put a stop to the cycle.
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2013, 06:39:15 AM »

Any other takers want to chime in on the definition of love?
Logged

WXYZ
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 79


« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2013, 06:53:29 AM »

Any other takers want to chime in on the definition of love?

Some words I remember from somewhere: “You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness”

And more: “love is patient, love kind … doesn’t rejoice in ‘bad stuff’ …

Logged
snappafcw
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 295


« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2013, 07:22:40 AM »

That's Corinthians... . It's the bible Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
WXYZ
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 79


« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2013, 07:38:54 AM »

Love is enduring & is allied to wisdom

It supports & guides children & it supports & shares tears with our elderly parents in their autumn years – family bonds

It takes care of the fatherless boy and widows too

Love is a precious thing – something we need to protect and nurture in ourselves and those around.

And always, protect your heart while sharing your good things

Love will keep you safe while you watch the world of hate crumble before your eyes

Love is patient, just wait & you'll see


Logged
VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549



« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2013, 07:52:29 AM »

Any other takers want to chime in on the definition of love?

It isn't possible to describe love. You must feel it.
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2013, 08:14:16 AM »

Love is something that is built over a period of time, it is a response to your highest values embodied in someone else, it is finding the beauty of integrity in one that represents your ideals... . clearly not BPD.

When you meet someone with BPD... they idealize and love bomb you, and if you had a bit of a dysfunctional childhood it is very easy to mistake that idealizing for unconditional love... . I believe we do... and we quickly fall for the pwBPD and put them on a pedestal. We seem to elevate the r/s with them to the position of a primary r/s, like with a parent. Instead of flat out balking at their progressively crazier demands... we comply, argue and fight like a teen with a parent. (Transference)... the big hit to our ego comes if they dump us, its like losing a parent, with severe deep depression and hurt out of all proportion to a normal breakup. There are many many stories along these lines on this sight.

So... now... the question do we still love them... I think we still miss them, and the hope that the hole we felt deep inside ... . that they filled for a while with something we needed... leaves us missing that feeling of having it filled. It has been described as them coming in and fixing a wound we may not know we had... . then pulling the band aid off and leaving it exposed and stinging.

So... I would say we still feel (sometimes acutely)... the neediness for them, and they are no doubt still needy too. But I can't be completely honest with myself and say I love my exBPDgf... . what I missed for years was the illusion I had that the way she was when idealizing/love bombing early on... . was the real her... . and seeing the real her now, as the disordered, sneaky, mean, emotional infant in an adult body... doesn't bring out love, it brings out despair for having been needy myself to such a degree I would accept the BPD r/s as true love despite all the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .
Logged
laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2013, 08:17:00 AM »

It is two individuals (or more) who respect, support and share each others needs, wants and values. It is a foundation of cooperation and not a dictatorship.  While there is chemistry involved in some relationships... . nature's circle of life took care of that one, love is more than chemistry.  If someone does not respect and support your needs and wants, they do not love you.  If they demean and deceive you, they do not love you.  They would not have a clue what love is if they told you so.

Ok... . so the question is, could you have loved them?  If you feel that someone who does not respect you, someone who deceives and demeans you, Loves you.

Are you sure that you are loving them and not needing something specific from them?  I could not truly love someone who does not love me.


Just my opinion... .

Logged
expos
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #25 on: August 19, 2013, 08:58:08 AM »

I can't shut off my love for her.  Others will never understand.  Some example of my profound love to her:

I loved her when I asked to leave our marriage.  I bawled my eyes out when I told her that I had to end it.   I hugged her the next morning - most people would never do that.

I remember us living in the same home as a separated husband and wife.  We could not sell our place, so we stayed in separate rooms.  I was outside mowing the lawn in our backyard, and was looking through a big window watching her clean the kitchen in her pajamas.  She didn't see me staring at her,  but I remember thinking "oh my god, I love this woman so much."  But I didn't have the guts to walk back into the house and tell her that.  I knew that what she was putting through every week was wrong and it needed to end.

I remember having a garage sale to sell our stuff a week later.  I was standing in the garage, staring at her again without her noticing, and thinking "this is the love of my life and she is going to be gone."  I restrained myself from telling her how I felt that day.

When I finally did move out of the house, when I was carrying the last box to my car, she stared at me while we were both standing in kitchen and started crying her eyes out.  This is after 5 months of silent treatment.  I walked over to her, embraced her, and kissed her head and started crying.  This was our final embrace.  I'll never forget it.  I texted her 5 minutes and did tell her that I loved her.

That final hug happened nearly a year ago.  She found another guy in month or two and has treated me like garbage in the few times I had to interact with her since it was finalized.  When she rubbed it in my face that she was seeing someone, I nearly vomited.   That's when you know you REALLY love someone. 

I still cry about her.  She acts like I never existed.
Logged

charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #26 on: August 19, 2013, 09:39:24 AM »

Others do understand... especially on this site.

I felt same way at one time, and had the feelings carry on for over 25 yrs... which is why I said the things I did. The "Can't live with them, can't live without them"... sentiment kind of sums it up.

Mindfulness helps, a T helps, and seeing them without illusions is the path toward moving on... . it is hard to believe, but it does get better.
Logged
expos
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #27 on: August 19, 2013, 10:09:26 AM »

Others do understand... especially on this site.

True, but others who have never dealt with Divorce... . or anyone with BPD... . don't know the torment that these separations caused.  Some people are like, "dude, just get over her man, she's gone"  Others have said "you were only married for 3 years, you are not the only one who has gone through divorce."

I don't want to play the "woe is me" card with people either... . and it's not like I haven't been able to get over a breakup before.  In fact, I had 5 year relationship in my early 20's that I recovered from quite easily, but I suspect my love waned very much near the end of that one and it was easily for me to go, since I did not marry this person.

I find the detachment to be very difficult.   

Logged

charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #28 on: August 19, 2013, 11:37:44 AM »

I always thought of my self as a very stable person emotionally, kept my cool while those around me were running around with hair on fire. The r/s with a pwBPD had me in emotional tumult all the time, and it was very unsettling. Thought I needed to get back to being my normal stable self. What I have come to understand is that I was typically disconnected from my feelings and emotions much of the time, and my pwBPD forced me to be present and experience a lot of them (good, bad, and really bad)... and the aftermath of the r/s has involved a T and learning a lot... like it doesn't make you healthy to disassociate from your emotions as a normal strategy for dealing with them... that is avoiding them, and its what I have done. When you do that for a long time they come out as anxiety and even paranoia at times. You feel like something must be wrong... but steadfastly avoid dealing with anything very unpleasant by diversions, avoidance or analysis paralysis.

Feeling loved by my pwBPD was addictive, it was like being home somehow (transference I think)... but simply feeling emotions made me feel alive again, like I had been in some kind of a wallflower's limbo in life and was back in the game 100%... but rusty and getting battered like someone that sat out for a few decades.

It all convinced me to find out how to process and deal with feelings (both old and current) and change my ways to feel more alive... but not with any more BPD r/s... . as it was clearly toxic and destructive for me.

Logged
Undone123
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 250


« Reply #29 on: August 19, 2013, 12:16:00 PM »

Can they love?
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!