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Author Topic: How do you get over the "what if I had ... "?  (Read 371 times)
Blaise
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« on: August 22, 2013, 07:43:53 AM »

I read stories of members who were truly loving their pwBPD, did all they could and at the end did not have more to give.

My story is diiferent in the sense that I am still legally married to my wife, whom I left for my dBPDexGF.

My dBPDexGF kept telling me, and probably rightly so, that we were not in a position to build a true r/s since I was still married. We broke up precisely because she asked me to divorce and I told her that I was not ready to do it (I still cannot figure why).

This was 8 months ago and I keep telling myself that we would still be together, in a healthy relationship, if only I had divorced. I also have this hope that she will return if I divorce.

Do some here struggle with similar questions? How do you deal with regrets and feelings that you indeed could have given more to the r/s?
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mitchell16
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2013, 09:03:50 AM »

mine sitution was little diffrent. I was going through a divorce when I met my BPDgf and she used to tell me she could not let her guard down because she knew that me and my wife would get back together. Even when I reassured her that it wasnt going to happen. and it didnt the divorce went through as planned. but later no matter what ,something would always come up that was my fault. At first i always felt like it was my fault I tried to change but no matter what i did it never stopped. She accused me of having emotinal affairs, didnt happen. I shut down communication with any female. so the next thing was I was to controling, but she could epxlain how I controlled her. If i asked a question about anything, I was accusing her. When I explained I wasnt and I didnt understand why she said that, she said it was the tone I used. when I checked my tone and pointed it out to her then it was my tone was fine but It was how I looked her. So no matter what I did, said, acted if she wanted an excuse she would come up with one and the harder I defended myseld it just got worse. So i would stand moot and not say anything and of course that validated her that she was right because if she wasnt I would speak up. But if I did try to speak up I was shut down with you just love to argue dont you. So no matter what you do it doesnt matter. I know longer feel bad but I, still missing her and wish I could have made it work and at times i feel like a failure because I couldnt make it work.
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happylogist
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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2013, 09:22:19 AM »

I registered here to reply to your topic... . my story is a stupid one:

My exBP lover would find a billion reasons for me not to divorce my husband, starting from "I am not ready for a relationship, I am heartbroken after my ex left me" finishing with "You have love and family around you, I can't break it" ... .

All this time he was not leaving me alone to deal with my issues, but rather burdening me non-stop about his relationships with women ("It is horrible I don't feel love" "i didn't orgasm", explaining to me how important I am for him ("you are the closest person", "I love you", "you are my soul-mate", and ending with dating our common friends and blaming me for feeling upset about it ("you are married! you can't claim anyone!".  

When I told him about my decision to divorce - he explained that it is a difficult time for me and he feels sorry to leave me, but I need to be myself and he can't give any guarantees... . and disappeared.  

He didn't remove me from his life to be alone, we have some common friends and he is now in a close love (assume "soul-mate" and "never felt anything like this"... . I am also stuck in the feeling of regret and self-blame, but thanks to people who post here I gradually start understanding why I could take it so much, my inner dependency issues, but also be less angry about his behavior. I need to let it go and start working on my life and my needs, instead of finding someone to fix.
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Blaise
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« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2013, 09:59:43 AM »

Mitchell, Happylogist,

Thank you so much for reading me and taking the time to respond.

My story looks so much like yours. In a post break-up conversation, I told my dBPDexGF that I was now ready to divorce and would do it. I supposed she would be pleased as she had been asking for this for 1.5 years. Instead, she said that I would cheat on her... . (like in your case, Mitchell)

... . whereas she had been the one "cheating", having a secret r/s with one of my work colleagues while at the same time telling me that I was her soul-mate, that she loved me, etc. She also told me that it was not cheating since I was still married and she had told me that the r/s was over until I divorce my wife. When I told her about my decision to divorce, she also told me ... . that what she preferred was the period during which I was still living with my wife (like in your case, happylogist).

I made a few contacts after the breakup but ended it because it was hurting too much to listen to her, see how she had detached, etc. I have reasons to believe that she is since then dating this very same guy -- so she did not remove me to be alone either.

Both of you seem to have accepted the situation. Did you do something specific or is it just time passing?
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bpdspell
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Relationship status: Married.
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« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2013, 10:31:37 AM »

I am still legally married to my wife, whom I left for my dBPDexGF.

My dBPDexGF kept telling me, and probably rightly so, that we were not in a position to build a true r/s since I was still married. We broke up precisely because she asked me to divorce and I told her that I was not ready to do it (I still cannot figure why).

This was 8 months ago and I keep telling myself that we would still be together, in a healthy relationship, if only I had divorced. I also have this hope that she will return if I divorce.

Do some here struggle with similar questions? How do you deal with regrets and feelings that you indeed could have given more to the r/s?

I can relate. I was separated from my husband when my affair went full throttle with my BPDexbf. The hooks were deep and I was deeply entrenched in my new found pedestal love.

But then his BPD and misogyny revealed itself and I realized what a huge judgement in character I made. Because the hooks were in I too thought "what if" I weren't still married? Would that change his behavior? I thought my being married was a motivation for his erratic, manipulative entitlement. But in truth their behavior has more to do with their narcissism than our marital status.

Yes it's true. It isn't fair to expect someone to give of themselves fully when we are married. I believe in my heart that it's wrong to feel entitled to someone's life when you're married. It's selfish, self-centered, egotistic and self-serving.

But BPD is an entirely different lane and has nothing to do with being married to someone else. If anything; being married to someone else will trigger their BPD behavior faster and more intensely.

Even though I stopped sleeping with my husband for months my ex was still suspicious, envious and jealous at an alarming possessive level. His demands were asinine. But when my husband and I legally separated he still couldn't trust me and my BPDex displayed even more abysmal behavior that really woke me up. I searched online, found BPD family and the rest has been eye opening history.

So how do you get over the "what if I had"? You accept that they're mentally ill and that you can't fix it. You learn about BPD, narcissism and your own emotional shortcomings that would allow you to feel entitled to be in a relationship while your still married. It's a bitter pill to swallow but looking at yourself and your own motivations are where all your answers are going to be.

I had to do this tough work because blaming and "what if's" simply won't cut it.

Spell
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happylogist
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« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2013, 10:51:14 AM »

Blaise, I am not really over. I felt very emotional writing that post, though tried to distance myself from the hurt.  This is the reason why we are here. The thing is that as soon as I start analyzing our relationship with him, it makes me feel very upset on so many levels and I do not have any other choice rather than accept. I don't want and don't need to chase him, especially after seeing their happy pictures together in the city that I dreamed to be with him (he knew that!).  It is funny, apparently the plan of meeting someone there stayed, but a person changed. He is now with someone who has a less complicated situation, it is easy to date her and she is ready and can be a caretaker. I know her a bit and she is a potential victim... . In our relationship everything was fine as long as I was the caretaker, someone who was fixing him. Divorce implies that a BP person has to make a commitment (something they are scared of) and also become at least for a period a caretaker himself/herself as well.  That's too much! They feel a lot of pain, but this pain should belong to them. So for them it is natural to leave without feeling guilty (because you guys are going to cheat anyway, and he is not trying to break something good for me and leaves me by myself). Now we talk about morality... . He started blaming me for trying to put all responsibility on him, for making him be responsible for my own fate (?) ... . I tried explaining that I  simply wanted to be with him and he is not responsible for my situation.  But he was very aggressive and then very distance when we talked once again. Besides rationalizing, he conveniently forgot to mention the untold and ugly side of the truth: there is already someone to lean on and this is not so much about this right guy who feels he needs to leave me in a difficult situation... .  In my case there was no other option, and I think in your case as well.  We simply need to accept that there is no future with them and this is probably for our own good.  And I fully agree with BPDspell that being married and having an affair with them triggers BPD behavior even faster than in "normal" situations. Also it is very easy to fall for a BPD person while being married or in a long-term relationship.  It is a good life lesson, a cruel one - but still.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2013, 10:52:45 AM »

well I wouldnt say I accepeted it maybe came to peace with the fact that i did everything I could to make it work. I think We recycled 10 or 12 times in 2.5 years. She would start and I would join. I havent saw her in person for a few weeks and last text I got from her was about 8 days ago it it was about work. It was my suspcion that she was fishing.  My divorce had nothing to do with my exBPDgf I didnt even know her then but she used the pending divorce as an excuse not to be emotionally commited because she had " abandonement fears" and "rejection fears" this was her words. I spent alot of time reassuring her that I had no intention of returning to my wife. But once that obstacle was removed it became something else. Just like her explosions and break ups. She always had an excuse.

BU #1 she was confused about us, aound the 3 month mark

BU #2 she just didnt want to be in a relationship and I was just to jealous and controlling. Never could tell me or explain how. this was about 7 month  mark.

BU#3 she brought up getting married and wanted us to look at engagement rings, with in a week broke up with me. She had been stressed out over work, a sick relative and her grown childs future was her excuses. also through in her religous convictions.

BU #4 not clear but I do remeber her saying it was becuase she was having some issues that required minor surgeryand her moods were bad.

BU#5 once again I was just controlling and jealous. This was becasue she wanted to go out of town without me on a trip and told me she wouldnt have cell service the whole trip. When she came back she broke up with me and never could give me a reason but she beleived that i was the type of man that wouldnt forgive her if she had an affair. So I didnt really love her then.

BU#6 she was having surgery, contacted me a week before surgery. She needed someone. I go back take care of her through surgery/recovery and once again dropped. becasue Im just dont understand her. This came around catching her in a bunch of lies.

There is so much more but Im starting to get foggy. but the point I guess im trying to make is no matter what i did she would find a reason for it not to work. This was my first experience with Kitchen sinking and gaslighting. Only once during all these break ups did I ever contact her first. I was prepared to walk away. But always she would reach out me at the 7, 14 or 3 week mark once or twice it 5 weeks. But i would allow myself to get pulled back because she woudl offer an excuse, apology and blame it on something and I would buy it.
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Surnia
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2013, 10:58:51 AM »

Blaise

The "What if I had" is a quite common question... . at least in my life. I try to replace it with: What am I going to change next time? Or could I try something else?

I feel better assuming that I did my best in the past, and I can try perhaps something different in the present/near future.


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