When your BPD partner wants to hurt themselves

[blondie34]

Yesterday, my gf woke up feeling severely depressed with the urge to cut. She reached out asking for help, so I left work early to go be with her as she didn't trust herself and the razors kept "catching her eye". In the 7 months we have been together, this is only the second time she has felt the urge that I am aware of. This morning before I left for work, I removed the razors from the bathroom. If she truly wanted to cut, I know she would find a means of doing so, but razors are her preferred choice.

I made the choice to move them as she has been feeling down for the last week, been very agitated and honestly, I had no way of knowing what kind of mood she would wake up in today. I took the precaution of moving them with the out of sight out of mind mentality.

This morning she messaged me thanking me for making her feel like s*** and that I didn't have to hide them. Now I am questioning if I did the right thing or did I just show her that I don't trust her? It had nothing to do with not trusting her. I understand the urge as I have been down that road. I just did what I thought was best.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You didn't do anything wrong.  Does she have a therapist she can call when this issue comes up?  Also, you may want to hire a therapist for yourself to help guide you through difficult issues like this.  Self-harm is a serious issue and requires some professional care. 

[blondie34]

Thank you. I need the reassurance that I didn't do anything wrong.

Unfortunately, she is currently not seeing a therapist. She has one, but has been quite some time since she has seen her. I am not sure what to do to help her right now as her mood seems to be dropping further each day. She does have support groups, but it appears she doesn't have the motivation to even reach out to them right now.

I have a therapist. I think I would be lost if I didn't. I see her once a week.

[lostandunsure]

I would have to agree that you didn't do anything wrong. She basically told you that the sight of them was triggering a desire for the behavior.

My wife has a tendency to scratch, sometimes taking several square inches of the top layers of skin off her arm. Dealing with a loved one's self harm in a "caretaker" position isn't easy. I often struggle with when or if I should call for help or if I should try to deal with it between the two of us. I think she knows that if she got to a point that she simply wouldn't calm down that I would call 911 and that would mean some form of hospitalization for her and that scares her. She doesn't go looking for razors or sharp objects, I think she knows if she did that I would call instantly. But, if she did look for something sharp, I would have done the same thing you did. Unfortunately, she uses her fingernails and all I can do is hold her hands till she calms down.

You don't leave an open bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic because they couldn't stop themselves, or at least it would be very difficult and the bottle would "taunt" them. The razors were "taunting" her.

As for her being upset, from her perspective she may feel like you didn't trust her (Just like some alcoholics would feel if you walked out of the house with all the booze). If that's the case you may want to reassure her that you do trust her, you were trying to keep the razors from "catching her eye" as that seemed to be a trigger point, you were removing a temptation to make it easier for her to succeed, not showing a lack of trust. (I don't think I would bring up the alcoholic analogy, unless you think she'd be open to it).

In my experience with my wife, she tends to self harm more when something else is triggering her and the self harm is an outlet for inexpressible pain. Is there anyway to deal with the underlying problem? You might suggest that she go to her support groups to help deal with whatever is triggering the thoughts of cutting.