Where to Begin?

[happeningagain]

I've started and deleted this post several times. I don't know how to make it not read like a novel, so please hang in there with me.

Twelve years ago, I fell in love with my soul mate. I had just moved to New Orleans and started working in a voodoo shop. He came in one night, and it was like a lightning bolt. So hot, so charming, so intelligent and so interested in me. He introduced me to the city and helped me become a true local. He was my boyfriend, my mentor, my spiritual advisor and my best friend. Unfortunately, he was also BPD. Anyway, we were together for a little over two years---if you can count the push and pull as "together." We swung wildly from madly in love, spending all our time together, to screaming arguments, to "breaking up" and not speaking for days or weeks at a time. I never had any idea what would trigger his mood swings, or how he could suddenly go from wanting to spend his life with me to never wanting to see me again, when I wasn't aware anything was wrong. Meanwhile, he also spiraled into drug addiction. When I met him, he smoked pot semi-regularly. By the time I ended it, he was on coke and heroin. He was doing worse and worse, and nothing I did for him seemed to help. So I finally walked away. Over the next few weeks he begged me to take him back. Promised to change, promised to get help. But I was done. I couldn't handle it anymore. I started dating someone new. The last time I saw him, I was at a neighborhood pub with my new boyfriend and my best friend. He walked in, looking clean and sober and healthier than he'd been in months, and asked me to talk to him outside. I agreed. He said he needed to get out of New Orleans, away from the bad influences and bad memories. He was headed to California, where he had a 3 year old daughter. Begged me to come with him. Said we could start over. I refused. Told him I had a new life and a new boyfriend. He grinned and said, "You'll be single by spring." (It was late January). He kissed me deeply, told me he would always love me, and walked out of my life. A couple of weeks later, at some godforsaken roadside motel, he committed suicide. That was ten years ago.

Fast forward to last year. After a failed marriage to the rebound guy and a few reasonably normal relationships, I had been single by choice for a couple of years. I was globetrotting as a travel writer and had zero desire to settle down. My career was fantastic, I had great friends around the world, and I was happy. Then I landed at an RV park in Florida. For one reason and another, we (I travel with my dad, a photographer) ended up sort of stuck for a few months. But the plan was to get back on the road shortly. Instead, I managed to fall in love again.

It all started when we worked together on a Halloween event. Then I had him over for wine and cheese one night. More than five hours later, the conversation had never slowed down at all. It felt like he got me and I got him. Like my previous BPD boyfriend, he was charming, sweet and incredibly intelligent. I thought I had a second chance at a soul mate relationship. He told me early on that he had Asperger's syndrome. I do too, though very mildly. But as things started getting stranger and stranger, I threw myself into researching it. I tried to use all the tips and techniques for loving someone with Asperger's. He was shy, tough to get to know, and seemed to have really high walls at the beginning--all perfectly normal symptoms of Asperger's. But then he started doing things that didn't "fit" with Asperger's. Like pulling disappearing acts--we'd have a wonderful date, and then he'd go stone cold silent for days. I'd text him and hear absolutely nothing back, then when I'd ask him about it later he didn't seem to understand why I thought it was a problem. Or he'd refuse to make plans, even for something as mundane as going out to dinner. He couldn't stand even the mildest criticism, and I started going out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him. He seemed fragile, like he would break really easily. He was super-needy, but his needs kept changing on a moment's notice and I couldn't predict what would trigger which reaction. It was almost like I never knew which version of him I was going to get.

The rage didn't start until several months in--I was under a ton of stress, so I decided to take a week's vacation and go to New Orleans by myself. We were seeing each other every night after work at that point. I told him about the trip and he seemed to be okay with it--even loaned me his really expensive camera to take with me. During my trip, he texted every night. Seemed to really miss me. I got back super-late on a Thursday night, and even though he had to get up early for work, he stayed up to see me. But then two days later he went to visit his brother and bought a completely worthless, driven into the ground, used truck while he was there. Neither of us has our own car, and we had been talking for months about buying one together. So I was pretty upset that he bought the truck without talking to me. I calmly told him so. He got more pissed off than I had ever seen him--he always told me he valued communication and hated confrontation, but suddenly there he was, raging at me with spit flying out of his mouth, telling me that I had no right to question him or his decisions. Then a few hours in, just as abruptly as the rage had begun, he got quiet and whispered, "It's not too late for me to get out of the deal. I'm not taking the truck." I tried to explain that it was up to him, I was just hurt that he didn't talk to me first, but his mind was made up.

So we moved on. Or at least, I moved on. That was in early May. Ever since, it's been a classic push-pull. One day he tells me how amazing I am, how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, how much he values our time together. The next day he's sneaking around, lying to me, and going on verbally abusive tirades that seem to be triggered by nothing. He stops speaking to me for weeks at a time if I have a need or ask him not to leave me hanging for hours when we're supposed to have plans. He missed my birthday altogether, but managed to find time to buy a birthday gift for a coworker's daughter. It just goes on and on.

The whole past year, this guy has reminded me of my ex, and I could never figure out why. On the surface they're so very different. But then my therapist brought up BPD as a possible explanation for my current guy's behavior, and it hit me like a lightning bolt. He deals with it differently in a lot of ways, but under the surface it really is the same thing.

And that scares the hell out of me. In the months before he ended up suiciding, my ex torpedoed every relationship he had. It was like he was hell-bent on destroying everyone who tried to care about him. Now I see my current doing the same thing. In the past few months, he's completely destroyed his relationships with his former best friend, his ex (who was still a friend), another very good friend and everyone who lives/works in this RV park. And he hasn't spoken to me in 10 days, since the latest rage, which was triggered by my inviting him over for spaghetti. Right now he's hanging out with a new BFF--an elderly married couple twice his age. Once he torpedoes that relationship, he's going to have no one left--unless I take him back yet again. I'm scared. The last time I walked away from a BPD relationship, he ran out of people to rescue him and committed suicide. I don't want to go through that again. I still love my ex and think about him every day. And I still love my current and want to help. But what can I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Suzn]

Hello happeningagain 

Welcome. I am so sorry for your loss.    I can see how you would feel a sense of responsibility here. This wasn't your fault. Bpd is a serious disorder and as hard as we try we can't change that. It is the nature of the disorder that interpersonal relationships can fail, it does not mean however that all persons with BPD will commit suicide. I can hear your fear and we understand. He has to want to reach out for help. Has your bf threatened suicide before?

I'm going to share this link with you, there are things you can do if he does. This entire thread is worth reading.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'm glad to hear you are working with a therapist to support you through all that you're dealing with. How are you coping?

I'm glad you found us. Welcome to our family. 

[happeningagain]

Hi suzn,

Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm planning to make my way through that thread you linked tonight or tomorrow. My bf hasn't actively threatened suicide with me, but he's told me that he was suicidal in the past--never really specified exactly how far he went in the planning process. He turns everything inward and spends a great deal of time alone, so it's tough to know what's really going on with him. This blowing up every relationship he has in a short period of time is pretty new for him though, or at least I haven't seen it before. The Asperger's usually tempers things to where he prides himself on his "loyalty," and avoids going quite to the point of no return. Now he just seems to have zero concern at all for who he hurts or whether the damage is permanent.

How am I coping? IDK, which hour is it? I'm going on with my life, doing what I have to do, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions. He lives four RV spaces down from me, and we both socialize primarily with people who also live and work in the park, so I can't really go no contact. We're not "speaking" at the moment, but we're never not around each other in one sense or another. In one way it makes things harder, but at least I know he's still alive and going to work. It's distracting though. I don't necessarily WANT to know what time he gets home, but there are no RVs between mine and his, so I see whether the lights are on when I come and go at night. I'd have to close my eyes on the way to the car to avoid it, and then I'd risk stepping on one of our native pygmy rattlesnakes

Anyway, I think I'm mostly okay, but I'm not okay with this, if that makes any sense. I'm not one to give up on people, or to walk away from a challenge, or to play silent treatment games. I want to talk to him, even just to reach out as a friend, but I have no idea what I would say. I'm trying to stay strong, give him space and focus on my own life. But it's so agonizing to feel like he is so close, yet so far away.

[Suzn]

Pygmy rattlesnakes? Ugh, that would keep one on alert, if things weren't stressed enough.

Being on alert all of the time takes it's toll, as you know. It would be hard for anyone living next door to an ex. This may be a good thing, he knows you are there, you are no more invisible than he is. This may offer some comfort for the time being.

How are you handling this stress? Eating, sleeping, exercise, etc... are all good ways to take care of you and you are equally important. We give these self soothing, stress relievers little credit sometimes and they can go a long way to better our overall well being.

Are you working with a therapist for support now?

[DetroitDame]

 

Happeningagain, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your post is the first one I read that has included an actual instance of suicide and it scares me.  I am happy you have the ability to know that your current ex is still alive.  I know this is likely quite important to you. 

Maybe just a subtle, "I am here for you when and if you need me" will give him the assurance that you are still available as a friend.  Maybe he really needs one?

DetroitDame!

[Scout99]

Hi Happeningagain!

I am so sorry to hear about the truly tough times you have been through! Loosing a loved one due to a break up is hard. But loosing a loved one to suicide is something entirely different.

So I can quite understand how you must be worrying now when the guy you have close to you now seems to show some common traits... .

I also want to welcome you here to this community. We want to help and offer support and there is a lot to be gained from learning from others who have been in similar situations!

I quite understand that you are worried about him too being BPD, and therefore also that he might be suicidal. Now, there are some reports of co-morbidity between Asbergers and BPD... .That means that it is at least possible that a person having Asbergers also can develop BPD. But it is rather unusual... .

So the chances he may be suffering from both is rather small... .

However, some of the traits you describe points towards BPD, such as being charming and social in some ways, which is more unusual if diagnosed with full Asbergers... .

Having said this. I like everybody here cannot say anything really about diagnoses, since we are just people, not clinicians... .But apart from that I think it is important for you to know that not all pw BPD are suicidal, even if things are being said at times that could point towards it... .Some people seek support and help by saying stuff like that.

But at the same time, it should be taken seriously when we don't know the history of the person, that is it there are any attempts from before, for instance... .

Now, I want to put the focus back to you! Since you are our priority here! I hear you when you say you don't know right now how you are doing. Going about your business, but constantly having all of this on your mind... .I know that feeling all to well... .

It is a good thing you do have a therapist! That helps in keeping our own sanity in times like these!

How is the situation between you two now? I understood it from your initial post that it seems like you are in some kind of a limbo situation here, where it is not completely clear whether you are broken up or not? Have I got it right?

Are you on speeding terms at all right now?

And above all how would you want it to be between you? Do you want out of the relationship or do you want to be able to continue in the relationship?

Do you harbor feelings of worry also concerning yourself? It is quite common among us here, me included... ., to have found ourselves several times in relationships with men with disorders. (Me first a guy with NPD, serious narcissism, and then a guy with BPD). Through therapy and also through studying here and reading and sharing with others about their experiences, that I have clearly had a pattern stemming from my upbringing, that makes me more or less subconsciously choose men who in essence are trouble... .

Please let me know if you do, since there are some really good things to be found on that subject here... .

In conclusion... .It is hard to be in the position you are in right now, since we cannot just barge into another persons life and take hold of it... .Wich is what we would like in times like these... .

Now do you know if your guy has a therapist or a doctor? If so, you can actually contact them and let them know your concerns. If not perhaps he has a close family member who can be trusted? If he is torpedoing friendships, then maybe talking to his best friend could also be an option... .It is hard to be alone in situations like these. And if your guy is at risk, or contemplating suicide. Then it is important that there are more people than one being around him to show support. Especially if he is trying to push people away.

However, and this is important! At the end of the day, we as close friends, loved ones or family cannot stop a person who is committed to ending their life... .We can show our love and support. But we can not live for them, and we cannot make them change their minds. Only they can... .

Suzn sent you a link about how to deal with suicide threats... .Has it been helpful to you?

Let us know where you are in this situation now, and how things are going!

Remember you are not alone in this, and we want to help, so pleas let us know how we best can be of support for you at this time!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[happeningagain]

Hi all! I haven't meant to ignore this thread. I truly appreciate all the support and concern. The air conditioner in my RV went out, filling the place with some horrible fumes. So Dad and I have been running around trying to get it fixed and staying in motels. Now we're in a swank condo for a week,so I have time to update.

To answer some questions that have been posted: I have really been trying to take care of myself. A lot of things have hit back to back recently (this air conditioner thing, Dad was in the hospital with chest pains two weeks ago, my hard drive crapped out) so it's been tough to really get good sleep and nutrition. But I went to a local tourist town with family this weekend, I'm spending time with my best friend, and I'm intentionally carving out me time. I'm fortunate to work for myself, so I'm messing with my schedule to keep from getting overwhelmed.

I am indeed seeing a therapist. It's really helping me sort things out. This last session, we talked about my ex that suicided and my current fears. He gave me homework to tell my guy everything - my feelings, my concerns, and why. He prepped me that it might go badly, but he says with my history it's really the only choice. If something were to happen and I hadn't said anything, I would never forgive myself. So I wrote a very  honest four page letter. The plan is for my dad, also a friend of his, to hand deliver it. Kind of like a process server. I want to know he actually got it, and put pressure on for him to reply.

We're not currently on speaking terms, I think. Except that he's perfectly friendly when we're working together. So IDK really. But I feel like the letter is the best option I have.

What do I want? I want this relationship to work, with all my heart. I have no idea if that's possible. But it's what I'm going for.

[happeningagain]

Well, the letter is delivered. Dad took it to him at work, where he was in the middle of a meeting with his boss (also a mutual friend so no big deal). I'm seriously hoping he reads it and thinks about it instead of just reacting. But it's out of my hands now. There's nothing more I can do. Just hope it was the right thing!

[happeningagain]

He hasn't responded to the letter. I saw him yesterday, and it was like he looked right through me. He's gone completely stone cold silent. How long does the cold shoulder last? Should I text him/call him to follow up on the letter, or let him do his thing? We work together, and live four RV sites apart, so it's not like we don't trip over each other constantly. This is really awkward, given the circumstances, as well as really painful!

[Suzn]

I'm sorry this iis painful, completely understandable.   May be a good plan to let him sit with it. You spoke your truth. That's all you can do. I don't know tons about aspergers though I do know someone with this has a hard time reading people. Maybe just going about your life now and being kind when you are around him.

I wouldn't bring up the subject of suicide again unless he does, nor would it be good to be overly doting. I have read we can reinforce this behavior with our own behavior changing (i.e. becoming overly attentive) We also don't want to keep this topic in the forefront of his mind. Wish him well and carry on. I know this is easy to say, hard to do since you are emotionally involved however you can practice.

How are you doing? Are you still working with your T?

[happeningagain]

I'm hanging in there. Had a bunch of recent drama in my own life that pulled my focus off him for awhile. I guess that's a good thing. He did break the ice two days ago. Stopped by to tell me he had heard what happened (my other drama) and wanted to make sure I was okay. I was polite and friendly, without going too deep, and I thanked him for asking. I kind of feel like it's my turn now, like I should contact him, but I want to sit on it for a little while to avoid looking too eager--not to mention that the recent events put me WAY behind on my to-do list, so I don't have a lot of time to talk right now. I figure slow and steady is my only possible hope.

I see my T tomorrow--sure do have a lot to talk to him about! I'm taking things one day at a time--or more recently, one crisis at a time. But the craziness has to slow down soon, right?

[Scout99]

Great you have your T to lean a little bit on in this situation... .Sorry however to hear you have a lot of other drama situations to deal with too at the same time... .

Even though sometimes when we tend to think a lot, it can even be a bit of a relief that other things occupy our minds... .Hope however it is not too bad... .

I think your guy coming over is a sign that he wants and is ready for some contact from you. It is also a sign that he does think about you probably a lot more than you think... .And he wants to check that you are still there... .

I do however believe you need to tread a little carefully when you do contact him, and just like suzn wisely adviced you before, don't bring up the letter unless he does... .You have said your piece there and now you need to let him choose if he wants to respond to it or not. Or if he just wants to rekindle a connection with you regardless of that letter... .

My experience with writing letters to my ex BPD bf is that such letters were extremely stressful to him... .Especially if they were like more than a page long... .And it didn't matter if most of it was just pouring love all over him... .He was terrified of there being something in them that could be interpreted as criticism, or a sign I was going to abandon him, or that he was not good enough and so on... .So most of the time he didn't read them through at all, but perhaps just a few lines and then filled out the rest with his fantasies... .which could create a whole lot of misunderstandings... .

Or he just simply didn't read them at all... .not because he didnt want to, but because he just couldn't handle doing it... .

I am not saying this is the case with your guy! But it can be good to keep in mind that there might be more scenarios possible than you think... .

Wish you the best of luck with everything in you life right now! We are here for you, and want to support you. So keep in touch and let us know how things progress for you. And don't hesitate to ask if you are wondering about something!

 Best Wishes

Scout99

[happeningagain]

Well, there hadn't been much new to report. Got the other drama taken care of and moved back into the RV--had been staying in a gorgeous condo thanks to my best friend who works for a timeshare company. Been swamped in work deadlines ever since.

Now there's suddenly a new development that I'm really freaking out over. He texted me last weekend while I was at my best friend's dad's life party--he's dying of cancer, it was his last birthday, and there was a big party to celebrate his life. Anyway, BF texted me out of the blue to tell me he had read the letter. Said he needed some time to think about it and process it, but he wanted me to know he appreciated it. So I told him to take as long as he wanted. Haven't heard from him since.

Then today, I feel like he intentionally punched me in the gut. Backstory: I write the newsletter for the RV park. He's a middle manager at said park. He had the newsletter before I took over a year ago, and it was given to me because I'm a professional writer and his version was, well, crap. He's a tech guy, but not so good with written communication. Anyway, since I took it over there has been nothing but praise. It goes to members and park managers all over the country, as well as our corporate offices. It's also listed on my professional resume.

My guy normally sends out electric bills to all the annual site holders. So today I opened what I assumed was the bill. It's a competing newsletter! And it's horrific--riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, rotten sentence structure--it honestly looks like a 5th grader wrote it. Now, all those people who have been lauding my praises know that I write "the newsletter." They're not going to drill down far enough to find out there are two versions and that the good one is mine. I honestly think he did this, on purpose, for the sole goal of hurting me where it really counts. My professional credibility is everything, and he's banking on people getting the two confused, which damages my business.

I'm going to the park manager (his boss) to resign, and explaining that it's because I can't risk my name being inadvertently linked to the sub-par competing newsletter. But I feel so betrayed right now. By him, by his boss... .why on god's green earth did she sign off on this? My brain is spinning with questions--what did he say about me? What kinds of lies has he been spreading? And the eternal question--why? Why does he want to continue to twist the knife? What is he getting out of it?

Anybody want to take a stab at explaining this one? I'm totally at a loss here.

[SweetCharlotte]

It sounds like he is envious of your writing ability.

He is having a hard enough time just reading what you have written him.

The letter seems to have triggered him in some undesired way. Maybe he thought you were showing off or rubbing it in that he is less articulate. I don't think his competing newsletter will harm your reputation.

Did your T mean for you to talk to him about your feelings, or to write them down and give them to him?

Sending your written feelings to someone in a letter is always risky, especially if you are not present while it's being read. Talking is better.

Writing down feelings is good for your own benefit (i.e. in a journal) or for specific purposes that are more impersonal, in which you want to reach more people (i.e. this Board and your professional writing, which I'm sure is amazing).

I'm a kind of writer too and I've also fallen into the trap of trying to use my skill to smooth out difficult personal situations. It only seems to work with close family members who are not romantic partners. My uBPDh (whose brother had a PD of some sort and committed suicide last year, BTW) doesn't read beyond the first two lines.

[Suzn]

Happeningagain lets back up for a minute. You said earlier that he wasn't good at this in the first place right? This may have nothing to do with you. I'm sorry to hear he is dying of cancer. This could just be him wanting to do everything he is capable of at the moment. This could be his attempt to do something FOR you, meaning simply taking care of a chore for you. Of course there's no way to know what his intent was unless there's a conversation, don't assume (first) this was something done to hurt you. If you do it will affect your whole posture with him. Make sense?

[SweetCharlotte]

suzn: the way I read this, the bf is not dying of cancer. A friend of happeningagain's father is the one with terminal cancer who had a "last birthday party." Gee, I never heard of that custom.

The bf is not ill except for the BPD behaviors.

[Suzn]

Oh thank you, I stand corrected. My thoughts on assuming your exbf did this maiciously would be the same. He may be trying to do something good for you since you were worried, no way to know for sure unless he is asked. Just my two cents 

[happeningagain]

OMG, so sorry for the confusion! My best friend's father is the one dying of cancer, who had a life celebration at his last birthday party. BF is healthy, physically anyway. BF texted me during the life party.

OK, to answer a few other questions: T told me to write a letter because a) BF is a prolific reader, and writes lots of handwritten letters himself, so it's a medium he's used to/comfortable with, and b) BF will NOT have a conversation in which he even thinks that someone *might* be suggesting that he's anything other than the greatest thing since sliced bread. Example: A couple months ago, we had plans to go to a dinner show for our birthdays (three days apart), and to meet up early in the day to hang out first. He texted me that he was an hour away doing something completely different two hours before we were supposed to leave for the show. When he got here, I asked him calmly why he didn't let me know if plans had changed and we were no longer meeting up early in the day. He got up, threw money for the tickets (I had paid originally) on the table and told me he wasn't going anywhere if I was going to attack him like that. So there was no possible way to get him to listen in a face to face or phone chat.

This newsletter thing: The park manager asked me Friday if BF and I could work on the new newsletter together (she wasn't too happy with his final copy). I said that might be tough, since he's not currently speaking to me, but I'd see what I could do. I sent him a friendly, "Hey, can we call a truce so we can work together on this thing" text, and I got a ration of abusive hit back. Meanwhile, I had to field anger from the recreation manager, who's not only furious that he started a competing newsletter (she has a huge personal investment in mine), but that he didn't even bother to include her name and email address on it. Naturally she thought it was my fault, since I'm the newsletter person. So I had to put out that fire.

IDK, I'm trying real hard to both give him space and let him know I'm here when/if he wants to talk. But now it's directly affecting park business, which isn't good for either of our reputations. And his newsletter is also jeopardizing the reputations of his boss, the rec director and the park itself, since corporate and all the members have consistently built up how good our park's newsletter is. That can't be okay.

[Suzn]

From what you say about his temperament then it would seem likely your friendly text would be viewed by him as criticism. Meaning, in his mind, the newsletter was a done deal. We don't know his intent for writing it in the first place so there could be more going on than simply perceived criticism. Would that sound about right?

Since you've already seen his reaction would it be better for the manager to handle this going forward? The newsletter is your job, not his, though it's not unusual for a manager to ask employees to work together it doesn't sound like that is going to work out. It's also not your job to sooth him over his "failure" if you will of not writing a usable newsletter. 

[happeningagain]

Suzn: What you say makes a lot of sense. Things really came to a head last night. After the text war, I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette when BF showed up at his place with a big guy and a woman. They had a pickup truck and a car. While BF ran around literally throwing stuff into the back of the truck, the guy glared daggers at me and kept slowly walking up the road toward me, then the woman would call him back--this happened several times. So I called the maintenance manager (also a big guy, and a good friend), because I felt vaguely threatened. He came over, and nothing happened. They finished throwing stuff in the truck and peeled out. No clue what that was all about.

Anyway, maintenance guy stayed for a while and we discussed everything. Turns out there's a lot more going on than I knew, including the fact that there's a possible invasion of privacy lawsuit pending because BF and his retired Green Beret buddy went through the phone of a young (but over 21) new hire and asked her a bunch of invasive questions about her friendship with maintenance guy. She quit the next day and is threatening to sue. So I told him all that's been going on with BF and me. He thinks I should take the whole mess to the park manager, and just be very honest with her. My biggest fear had been that no one would believe me, because boyfriend is so sweet and charming and mild-mannered to everyone who's not an active target. But maintenance man knows him pretty well, knows other things he's done, and believes me completely. Park manager trusts maintenance man 100%. He offered to go in with me to talk to park manager.

I know if I do that, I'm irreversibly cutting off the chance to fix the relationship. I really don't want to do that. But I also know that everyone from my friends to my T are telling me that a) if I want him to get help, I can't keep covering for/enabling him and b) he's escalated things to the point that I fear for my physical safety. People want me to look out for myself at this point.

IDK. I'm torn and conflicted and confused. What I want is to fix things. I don't know how to get from here to there. Any thoughts are more than welcome!

[happeningagain]

I'm having kind of a tough day. The park manager said Friday that she would get back to me on the newsletter thing Monday. That afternoon she apologized for not getting to me yet and explained she was in meetings all day. Yesterday I met with my T, and I have an idea of how I want things to go... .but I STILL haven't heard back from the park manager. I don't want to nag/bug her, but I feel like I'm just sitting here on hold.

My plan, once I hear back from her, is to set up a face to face meeting with her to clarify a few things. First, no one but BF sees a need for a second newsletter (rec director, staff, members I've talked to). They all think one is enough. She says BF told her that annual members were complaining that they wanted a stripped-down version of the newsletter. I want to ask her where the hard evidence is--how many people complained? Exactly what did they say? Are there enough complaints compared to the size of the membership to make it worth creating animosity between different people/departments to have a second newsletter?

Next, I want to call BF's work into question. I know that sounds harsh, but there are several factual things that she needs to know about. The second newsletter, along with other official notices that he's responsible for emailing, aren't going to the right people. I've gotten stuff addressed to my father at my email address. He's gotten stuff addressed to me at his. Sometimes one of us will get something and the other won't. Sometimes neither of us get it. Park manager needs to know that BF's emails are all screwed up.

She also needs to know the real reason why one of the rangers just quit, especially since there's a potential lawsuit--BF and his buddy went through the girl's phone without her knowledge/consent and then asked invasive questions about her personal life. She quit the next day and is threatening to sue, and park manager hasn't been informed.

These things, plus the poor quality of the newsletter, are enough that I think she should audit the rest of his work. He's an office manager, basically her second in command, and if he screws things up it falls on her head. So obviously it's up to her, but I think I need to go forward with what I know.

My goal isn't to be vindictive/damaging/whatever. It's to allow him to reap the natural consequences of his behavior. Right now he has so many people mothering/enabling him, that he's convinced he can get away with anything. I don't think anything's going to get better for him or anyone around him until he gets called on the carpet for what he's doing. After talking with my T, however, I will keep certain confidences regarding his diagnoses and his personal behavior toward me to myself--unless she asks. T said if she asks, I should be honest.

Does all this sound reasonable? I really, genuinely want things to get better. But I can't sit back and be silent when I know there are problems. In the meantime, I REALLY want park manager to get back to me so I can move forward with my plan.