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Author Topic: Just need some encouragement  (Read 5611 times)
Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2013, 02:58:42 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying its selfish to be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

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goldylamont
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« Reply #31 on: September 28, 2013, 04:14:21 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying its selfish to be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

hey, i don't think you messed up. sounds like you had a conversation with her that didn't go into a hateful or devaluating space. the last phone convo i had with my ex, i'm glad i had as she was kind and it's just easier for me to leave things be on a better note than on a sour note.

couple things: after our breakup, my ex tended to call or text me either way early in the morning or way late at night--i see this as her trying to screw things up with the woman i was dating at the time. your ex could very well just be "checking in" to see if you're with someone else.

also, my ex would only call me when she was having trouble with her bf or definitely just after she was breaking up with (one of) them. but this is the thing that ultimately pushed me away. i grew tired of being abused and ignored while she wooed and screwed her new victim, only to have her come back acting sweet when things blew up in her face. honestly i identified with the men she was victimizing more than i got an ego boost from hearing from her. at some point i had to be like "why the **** are you calling me when i know you're probably abusing the guy you're currently with". it just became disgusting b/c i knew in a heartbeat she would do the same to me.

and, all of this contact from her is a test to see how much control she has over you. trust that she's lying to you by saying that you are special (you are only 1 of 3 people she wanted to tell)--you're not special b/c her *actions* show you that you aren't special to her. in fact, no one is special to her. i'm not trying to say what she is thinking, that would be going too far--i'm sure her emotions sway back and forth from putting you up on a pedestal and then back in the trash can. thing is you can only judge by how she treats you over the long term--and you know overall her treatment of you is horrid, regardless if she has a temporary urge to be nostalgic or controlling. i say just be thankful this last convo was civilized and use this to strengthen your resolve to not stay in contact.

lastly, it's a totally natural fear you have of wanting to contact her, thinking that she'll stop thinking about you if you don't send her a message. well, one, let her stop thinking about you. all the better. and although this is true it doesn't necessarily make us feel better (even though we know it's good for us). but you have to also understand this--contacting her will push her away, not bring her back. you contacting her emboldens her bad behavior, lets her know you're weak and still "care" (meaning you're willing to stuff any self esteem away and accept her treatment of you). if you end up contacting her, or contacting her too much it will just make you look weak in her eyes (this isn't just a BPD thing, just a general rule of attraction).

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Eric1
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« Reply #32 on: September 28, 2013, 04:38:40 AM »

My self esteem has started to reach an all time high. I'm back in great shape, decorating my house & have all new furitnure coming. I want to travel this time next year before i'm 30, then when i return, i'm going back to college because i either want to become a primary school teacher or work with disabled children. I've been texting a girl from (pof - sad i know) and i've stopped seeing that other girl. Everythings going well. I have no urge to contact her anymore.

She must have been out with her new chap to just abruptly hang up. I very much doubt he knows she was talking to me. She sounded at times like she was going to cry, she had been drinking.

Suppose i'll face the music if she does turn up at this party tonight. I'm in a better, stronger place tho.
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« Reply #33 on: September 28, 2013, 04:46:07 AM »

Bravo Eric1! glad to hear. stay strong  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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GreenMango
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« Reply #34 on: September 28, 2013, 02:45:43 PM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying itsselfishto be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

She's right - it was selfish.  Like a child ... .except she isn't a kid.  I wonder why she only has 3 people?  Maybe it has to do with her behavior?

Eric sometimes what seems like little things compared to huge transgressions are a good reminder of what you are actually dealing with.

Times like this I had a list of the real ugly stuff that happened and I read it as a loving reminder to myself what things were really like so I didn't wax nostalgic on the good things only.  Wax nostalgic on the truly awful s*** too - keep it real.

Do you have an ugly list?
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« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2013, 03:19:43 PM »

I had an ugly list on my nightstand for quite a while, it is like a jolt of reality when thoughts start to waunder back to 'what if'.  Like a good cup of caffeine in the morning to wake you up.

I think a year is a pretty standard measure of grieving a loss.  Grieving the good parts that were lost.  And lots of healing from the bad parts.  These relationships can really put a hurt on a person, emotionally, and to self esteem.  Your feelings are normal for what you've been through.  It's not an easy year but it gets better and better with time and the dips into sadness get shorter.  

Oh, want to add that if she catches you on the phone, start practicing a boundary such as, I'm happy for you but in the future could you not call me so early/so late/during dinner/while I'm eating lunch.  She won't care a darn about your boundary but it will be good practice for you to start voicing them.  Empowering and learning how to do it for other relationships, too.
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Eric1
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« Reply #36 on: September 29, 2013, 04:52:45 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying itsselfishto be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

She's right - it was selfish.  Like a child ... .except she isn't a kid.  I wonder why she only has 3 people?  Maybe it has to do with her behavior?

Eric sometimes what seems like little things compared to huge transgressions are a good reminder of what you are actually dealing with.

Times like this I had a list of the real ugly stuff that happened and I read it as a loving reminder to myself what things were really like so I didn't wax nostalgic on the good things only.  Wax nostalgic on the truly awful s*** too - keep it real.

Do you have an ugly list?

I did write a list of all the bad points to remind me. It did help.

I was a bit taken aback when she said about her mum, bro and me. She does have a group of friends she's close too, and I assume she's still seeing this bloke. If she was desperate to tell me, she could have just dropped a text or something.

Luckily she didn't come to the party. But, then phone call has got my analysing.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2013, 06:54:03 AM »

It's real easy to get caught up analyzing these problems from the outside in... .sometimes working it from the inside out is better.

Inside out - what do you think a older version of you would tell you if he came back in time to school you a bit?
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Eric1
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« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2013, 01:42:11 PM »

'Life's too short'

That's probably what I'd tell myself.

I miss her again now. I know no contact is the only way & her breaking it has set me back a bit. But, it's almost like I want to call her.
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« Reply #39 on: September 29, 2013, 02:37:30 PM »

Hi all.  I need encouragement!  I am firmly no contact with my dBPD ex wife.  I avoid her. like the flu.  But today I saw her driving.  She was coming my way on the same street.  My heart raced.  She was coming from the direction of her new man's house, which tells me they are still together. I turned quickly.  Darn it!  I don't want this to ruin my whole Sunday.  Why does she still evoke such a reaction from me?  We are in the midst of a divorce and she nearly destroyed me.  She offends me on many levels.  But I am still so jealous and hurt.  Sigh... .

Fiddlestix
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Learning_curve74
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« Reply #40 on: September 29, 2013, 03:34:43 PM »

Hi all.  I need encouragement!  I am firmly no contact with my dBPD ex wife.  I avoid her. like the flu.  But today I saw her driving.  She was coming my way on the same street.  My heart raced.  She was coming from the direction of her new man's house, which tells me they are still together. I turned quickly.  Darn it!  I don't want this to ruin my whole Sunday.

Hi fiddlestix, hang in there! You need to avoid her because it's like your immune system hasn't built up enough antibodies to avoid catching her like the flu. There is NO shame in how you feel!

Some mutual friends have called me about exBPDgf, and it ruins my mood, so I imagine that I'd have the same exact reaction as you did if I saw her driving down the street.

Do you have hobbies and/or friends that can help keep you busy at tunes like this?
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« Reply #41 on: September 29, 2013, 04:08:43 PM »

Yes, I am a very involved person.  I have many creative and meaningful outlets.  I have a job that engages me, many good friends, my children love me and live with me, I have a supportive therapist, pastor, relatives... .  All the pieces for a full recovery are in place.  But after spending over 25 years with my wife there are many toxins in my system.  Thanks so much!  This board is a lifeline:-):-):-)

Fiddlestix
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Eric1
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« Reply #42 on: September 29, 2013, 05:12:47 PM »

I want my ex back. 
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« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2013, 09:41:08 PM »

I want my ex back. 

she's got you right where she wants you. as a backup to her current boy toy. don't settle for this Eric1 -- you deserve to be a woman's number 1, not her plaything who she enjoys abusing.

who do you really think this person is?
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« Reply #44 on: September 29, 2013, 11:26:52 PM »

Excerpt
I want my ex back.

Why?
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Eric1
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« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2013, 02:58:24 AM »

Excerpt
I want my ex back.

Why?

I miss her. I'm not playing second fiddle, but hearing her voice again has set me back. It probably doesn't help that i drank alot over the weekend. But, the stuff she said in the brief conversation, makes me think about everything. I'm glutton for punishment, but i want to get back with her. 
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« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2013, 07:44:43 AM »

She will only hurt you again, Eric.

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« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2013, 07:46:24 AM »

Of course you do, the alcoholic wants another drink, the nicotine addict wants another cigarette.  These addictions all have something in common.  They help us to avoid something.

Eric, the deceptive charm, the 'I only had three people to call" was bait.  You know like that dangly light on the fish in Finding Nemo.
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Eric1
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« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2013, 08:18:18 AM »

Of course you do, the alcoholic wants another drink, the nicotine addict wants another cigarette.  These addictions all have something in common.  They help us to avoid something.

Eric, the deceptive charm, the 'I only had three people to call" was bait.  You know like that dangly light on the fish in Finding Nemo.

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

I thought I was stronger, but it's messed me up a little.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2013, 09:19:07 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).
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Eric1
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« Reply #50 on: September 30, 2013, 09:26:44 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).

I said to her, in my daze "Well done, i'm proud of you" Then it sounded as if she was getting upset and said "I just want people to be proud of me" then she asked if i was ok, then the phone went dead.

I couldn't get back with her because i don' trust her. So, why do i want her back?
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« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2013, 09:39:25 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2013, 09:49:04 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!

In bold.

Bingo.

Try and remember what it was that she said to you about her previous ex before you started dating her.

That is what she will most likely say about you to the next person.

It sucks.

That is BPD.
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Eric1
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« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2013, 10:18:33 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!

In bold.

Bingo.

Try and remember what it was that she said to you about her previous ex before you started dating her.

That is what she will most likely say about you to the next person.

It sucks.

That is BPD.

I remember passed girlfriends & dates i've been on tho.

This is why no contact is imperitive. I always feel like this after. Analyzing, second geussing etc

Hurts.
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« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2013, 10:31:00 AM »

we have to accept the reality of who these people really are. accept the ugly reality of it.

but even more difficult is accepting the beautiful reality of how much better off we are to *not* have them in our lives.

feel sorry for her current victim more than yourself to get some temporary relief.

over time, as you are able to process and let go of your own pain, you'll even have moments of feeling sorry for their sorry ass  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #55 on: September 30, 2013, 10:48:19 AM »

we have to accept the reality of who these people really are. accept the ugly reality of it.

but even more difficult is accepting the beautiful reality of how much better off we are to *not* have them in our lives.

feel sorry for her current victim more than yourself to get some temporary relief.

over time, as you are able to process and let go of your own pain, you'll even have moments of feeling sorry for their sorry ass  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We say her new victim, but things must be going well, otherwis i expect i would know about it. She's finally got her dream job, so everything is going well for her. I put up with ___ and her misery, now everythings going great and shes with a new person. I'm left by the gutter and he reaps what i wanted.

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« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2013, 10:54:16 AM »

Eric... .

All of that is an appearance.

Inside of her... .

She is already devaluing that new person.

It hasnt fully surfaced yet.

But it will.

And he will wonder... .

In time... .

Is this what she did to Eric... .?

And now is doing this to me... .


That is the disorder.

He will be subjected to the same god awful behavior that you were subjected to.

It doesnt stop.

It is a cycle of behavior that goes on and on.

Each time... .

Triggered by the person closest to them.

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« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2013, 10:57:09 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).

I said to her, in my daze "Well done, i'm proud of you" Then it sounded as if she was getting upset and said "I just want people to be proud of me" then she asked if i was ok, then the phone went dead.

I couldn't get back with her because i don' trust her. So, why do i want her back?


She did not say, she wanted you to be proud of her.  She wanted "people" to be proud of her.  I am very sure she did not only tell 3 people.   I have no doubt that a lot of people know and she is wanting the pats on the back from all them to boost her ego.  Saying that you are 1 of 3 people was to reel you in, to make you feel special and then in return give her the adulation like you most likely did in the past.
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« Reply #58 on: September 30, 2013, 11:05:09 AM »

eric... .

listen to someone who is on the otherside, it took me a damn long time and some extremely hard work to get to where I am today.

My BPDex is beautiful, I'm not going to deny that. She is extremely sexual on all social networking sites, to a point that it's obnoxious. She's always talking about sex, men who eat out women, how much she loves it, she takes vogue like photos with love captions in french. Very mysterious, very deep -_-. She needs to cut the BS out LOL.

It killed me at first. I was over FLOWING with anger, jealously, a feeling of "I'm missing out by not being with her!" Listen, this front, whatever or whoever they have in their life, wether it be a new car, new man, money, job, home, it's a band-aid.

Who they are online, is BS.

I dated her, she made us seem like a match made in heaven on FB, Instagram, Twitter. Really? no one knew HER or what was going on behind closed doors but ME.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter what material possession they have aquired, or status, or hubby or girlfriend, they WON'T BE HAPPY. Truth is, they are the sole reason why they're not happy. They are the epitome of self fulfilling prophecy. Was my BPDex happy? at MOMENTS, but overall? she was in a chaotic turmoil in her head. TRapped.

Feel bad for that because the pain we feel is perhaps 30% of what they feel DAILY. On the other hand, be thankful you got rid of someone like that. Not because they are mentally ILL and have BPD, I don't like to judge them by that. I judge them by their actions. BPD or not, they do not take responsiblity for their actions. They much rather play a victim and a martyr and hurt others, when it's time to own up to what they've done you get this repsonse "well... .X Y Z happened to me, so I'm damaged goods, so I don't need to apologize.

You need time to grow as an individual. FEEL your emotions... .because this heartbreak however painful and damaging it may seem, is a huge opportunity for self growth! Remember that.
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Ironmanrises
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #59 on: September 30, 2013, 11:08:14 AM »

eric... .

listen to someone who is on the otherside, it took me a damn long time and some extremely hard work to get to where I am today.

My BPDex is beautiful, I'm not going to deny that. She is extremely sexual on all social networking sites, to a point that it's obnoxious. She's always talking about sex, men who eat out women, how much she loves it, she takes vogue like photos with love captions in french. Very mysterious, very deep -_-. She needs to cut the BS out LOL.

It killed me at first. I was over FLOWING with anger, jealously, a feeling of "I'm missing out by not being with her!" Listen, this front, whatever or whoever they have in their life, wether it be a new car, new man, money, job, home, it's a band-aid.

Who they are online, is BS.

I dated her, she made us seem like a match made in heaven on FB, Instagram, Twitter. Really? no one knew HER or what was going on behind closed doors but ME.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter what material possession they have aquired, or status, or hubby or girlfriend, they WON'T BE HAPPY. Truth is, they are the sole reason why they're not happy. They are the epitome of self fulfilling prophecy. Was my BPDex happy? at MOMENTS, but overall? she was in a chaotic turmoil in her head. TRapped.

Feel bad for that because the pain we feel is perhaps 30% of what they feel DAILY. On the other hand, be thankful you got rid of someone like that. Not because they are mentally ILL and have BPD, I don't like to judge them by that. I judge them by their actions. BPD or not, they do not take responsiblity for their actions. They much rather play a victim and a martyr and hurt others, when it's time to own up to what they've done you get this repsonse "well... .X Y Z happened to me, so I'm damaged goods, so I don't need to apologize.

You need time to grow as an individual. FEEL your emotions... .because this heartbreak however painful and damaging it may seem, is a huge opportunity for self growth! Remember that.

In bold.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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