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Author Topic: Just need some encouragement  (Read 5610 times)
Eric1
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« on: September 24, 2013, 04:32:09 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.
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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2013, 04:56:40 AM »

How many days has it been?
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2013, 05:07:31 AM »

About 3 months since break up.

I broke NC last weekend, but got no reply, before that we spoke about a week before that.

I'm now on 8 days today.
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2013, 05:17:35 AM »

Hey Eric1, hang in there. 

Sometimes I wish there was a machine or drug that could selectively remove all trace of my exBPDgf from my memory. But then how would I know not to fall in love with her all over again?

I don't have extraordinary willpower and I think it's been 5 or 6 weeks NC for me. I lost count... .If I can stay NC, maybe you can too? If you've been NC longer, then inspire me ok? 
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2013, 05:19:29 AM »

Eric1:

Do not worry if you break NC.  It took me 5 months to get my NC firmly established.  It has now turned into a mighty oak tree of NC. She was the one doing the breaking mostly though I did it a few times myself especially the first six weeks.

Establishing NC is very difficult on you and them.  It takes time, and breaking it is very common.  So just keep working on it, and it'll get easier.  NC is key to reestablishing your identity as a BPD basically hijacks you.
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Eric1
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2013, 05:41:50 AM »

Hey Eric1, hang in there. 

Sometimes I wish there was a machine or drug that could selectively remove all trace of my exBPDgf from my memory. But then how would I know not to fall in love with her all over again?

I don't have extraordinary willpower and I think it's been 5 or 6 weeks NC for me. I lost count... .If I can stay NC, maybe you can too? If you've been NC longer, then inspire me ok? 

That's a great length of time to have acheived. It's the point when you stop counting is when i truely think it starts becoming indifferent.

Eric1:

Do not worry if you break NC.  It took me 5 months to get my NC firmly established.  It has now turned into a mighty oak tree of NC. She was the one doing the breaking mostly though I did it a few times myself especially the first six weeks.

Establishing NC is very difficult on you and them.  It takes time, and breaking it is very common.  So just keep working on it, and it'll get easier.  NC is key to reestablishing your identity as a BPD basically hijacks you.

I think thats what makes me struggle, is that she hasn't tried contacting me or reaching out to me. I would love a message or a phone call, just so i know i know she still thinks about me.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2013, 06:42:32 AM »

I've heard some people say it takes 90 days to break an addiction and develop a new routine.

What normally sends you into missing the person mode? 
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Eric1
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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2013, 06:43:17 AM »

I never really stop missing her.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2013, 06:46:46 AM »

  It's okay to miss her.

What sends you to the "i need to contact her right now" mode?  What are you doing at the time?
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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2013, 06:59:36 AM »

Thing is, everything makes me want to contact her. If I'm in the gym, with friends, watching TV, cooking, working. The only thing that stops me is willpower.
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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2013, 07:28:26 AM »

Eric,

I am at 74 days NC.

I still miss my ex.

Sure.

But then i remember the devaluation.

And that cold hard reality of what i went through stops any thought of breaking NC.


Hang in there.
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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2013, 07:57:40 AM »

I never really stop missing her.

Do you miss her or do you miss the illusion who you thought she was?

Do you want to beat yourself up and blindly forget about how your were treated by this woman?

or

Do you want to regroup and find another great woman who will make you happy?
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2013, 08:39:26 AM »

The first three months were by far the hardest for me also. But I've learned the hard way not to idealize her, nor her memory. They really are'nt fantasy creatures.If physical or psychological harm was done to you, stay away period. Don't go back thinking you can love their problems away.
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2013, 02:17:39 PM »

First 3 were hardest for me too.

I would wrestle with the missing vs. What happened too.  It was hard to make sense of.

What do you do when that urge gets real powerful?
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Eric1
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« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2013, 02:27:00 AM »

First 3 were hardest for me too.

I would wrestle with the missing vs. What happened too.  It was hard to make sense of.

What do you do when that urge gets real powerful?

Text a mate, post on here or just try to remain possitive.

It's more pride now than anything. Why should I be trying to find out hows shes doing? She's the one who monkey branched into another guys arms. I'm the one that still pines for her, but I won't allow her to see that.
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« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2013, 09:17:03 AM »

Definitely post here and text friends. I am at 22 NC today. Though her dad called the police 22 days ago after I sent an honest email... .Which really wasn't "bad" in nature. But either way... .Ya. Keep posting.
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« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2013, 02:26:17 PM »

Sounds like you have a plan - that's helpful.

Sounds like your heart hasn't caught with your head yet.  Been there too.  It takes some time. 

You want to know why its easier for her to let go?  This goes for anyone, BPD or not, rebounding is like a salve.  It usually doesn't work out long term.  We still carry the baggage in and eventually have to unpack it or leave again.

You aren't rebounding with someone and dealing with your feelings of loss.  It will make you a more resilient and wiser person the next time you meet someone.  Right now it sucks it won't always though.

How's your family and friends?  Do you get a chance to see them and spend time together?
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« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2013, 06:38:09 PM »

I am beginning to understand my pain a bit more.  I was with my diagnosed BPD wife for 25 years.  There were many good times about which I am sentimental,  But, the dysfunction got unbearable.  It had to end.  She said (off and on) that she "no longer feels close to me."  Whatever... .that would often change later in the day, week, or month.  Her last day in the house over a year ago, she was sweet to me.  But I caught her with her "boyfriend" of the month that same evening.  That is when I told her to leave.  But now that we are done (I think) I am feeling something like homesickness.  For years, even when things were not that great, I still felt like I had a home in her heart.  Now I feel like I have been evicted from her heart.  And I can't go back.  Her new guy (for now) is where I used to be... .and it feels like the worst homesickness.  It's like they are having fun "inside" and I am no longer welcome in.  She put on the charm and lured me back a few months ago.  But that did not last; she tossed me overboard when a shinier boy toy emerged.  So now I am feeling homesick for the heart in which I once dwelt.  I know that sounds so sappy LOL... .but 'tis true. 

Fiddlestix
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Eric1
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2013, 06:28:03 AM »

I want to break NC. We're never getting back together, thats a given. I wouldn't take her back.

But, I do still care about her & i'm curious to how shes doing.

Argh!
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2013, 12:32:39 PM »

I want to break NC. We're never getting back together, thats a given. I wouldn't take her back.

But, I do still care about her & i'm curious to how shes doing.

Argh!

I understand you there. I wouldn't break now... .Your ex will be around awhile. Think of checking on your ex in a couple months. Set a time down the line. But for now just keep posting here. It's tough... .But keep up the good work.

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« Reply #20 on: September 26, 2013, 12:52:30 PM »

Eric, let it ride, my man.  Do not cave in.  If she is BPD she is struggling and always will (even if she seems to be happy and thriving).  You probably know this.  If you are like me, you may want to break NC because you care and wonder.  But, perhaps you also crave some iota of validation.  Perhaps you secretly hope she is not doing well without you, and that would give you some validation.  Look forward, not back.  Just for today, do not break.  Worry about tomorrow when it comes.  Every minute of NC ushers in a bit of cleansing. 

Fiddlestix
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« Reply #21 on: September 26, 2013, 01:35:05 PM »

Eric,

I can identify with what you're going through.  She broke up with me after a 4.5 year relationship via a text message in July 2012.  Afterwards, she contacted me roughly once a month, but almost always because she wanted something.  Finally, I asked her not to contact me any further.  It just was too painful to hear from her, even if it allowed me to know what she was doing.  I've been completely NC for the past three months and it helps.

Do your best to stay strong and not give in to contacting her.  If your experience is anything like mine, your satisfaction in knowing what's going on in her life will pale in comparison to the pain of opening that wound again.  Hang in there and take things one day at a time... .

C&H
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Eric1
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« Reply #22 on: September 26, 2013, 03:45:03 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.
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« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2013, 04:43:31 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.

Eric -- You DO know what to do! Stay strong here.  So she called you.  So what?  That doesn't mean you have to talk to her!

My x still tries to contact me and it's been almost 12 years. Just because he tries to contact me doesn't mean I have to speak to him!

Contact = PAIN.  You know this!

turtle

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Eric1
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« Reply #24 on: September 26, 2013, 04:47:15 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.

Eric -- You DO know what to do! Stay strong here.  So she called you.  So what?  That doesn't mean you have to talk to her!

My x still tries to contact me and it's been almost 12 years. Just because he tries to contact me doesn't mean I have to speak to him!

Contact = PAIN.  You know this!

turtle

And I've stayed strong. I haven't called back, like I would. I just don't know why she would call. I doubt her new bloke would be happy that's she's ringing her ex.
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« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2013, 04:58:05 PM »

And I've stayed strong. I haven't called back, like I would. I just don't know why she would call. I doubt her new bloke would be happy that's she's ringing her ex.

Does it really matter anymore why she would call?  Over the last 12 years, I've heard a million reasons why my crazyx is calling.  All of them are BS.  And NONE of them have anything to do with the life I want for myself.  I don't want a life full of chaos, rage, dishonesty, and BS.  And that's what being around him (in any way, shape, or form,) offers.  He can try and sell a different package, but that was lost on me long ago.

If a pesky sales person keeps calling, do you care why?  You know why.  They are trying to sell you a product that you KNOW doesn't work well for you.  In fact, it's a product that will hurt you. Would you answer a sales call from someone that you knew was selling you a product that would harm you? That's exactly what's happening here. One day... .these attempts from her will roll off your back like an unwanted sales call during dinner.  

And who cares about her new bloke?  He's probably a future member here - don't forget that.

turtle

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Eric1
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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2013, 04:10:25 AM »

I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I haven't called back, usually i would have, but i haven't. She hasn't tried to call again or text msg etc

She was probably either 1. Lonley or 2. Drunk.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2013, 09:47:26 AM »

Way to go, Eric! -- I do believe you're getting it!... .the key here is that you are realizing that the reason she called very likely didn't have anything to do with you -- but probably very much to do with w/e her state of mind/mood/etc. was when she called. Stay strong.

I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I haven't called back, usually i would have, but i haven't. She hasn't tried to call again or text msg etc

She was probably either 1. Lonley or 2. Drunk.

turtle --

This --

If a pesky sales person keeps calling, do you care why? You know why. They are trying to sell you a product that you KNOW doesn't work well for you. In fact, it's a product that will hurt you. Would you answer a sales call from someone that you knew was selling you a product that would harm you? That's exactly what's happening here. One day... .these attempts from her will roll off your back like an unwanted sales call during dinner.  

And who cares about her new bloke?  He's probably a future member here - don't forget that.

turtle

Awesome!
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« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2013, 10:12:30 AM »

Fiddlestix, this:

Excerpt
But now that we are done (I think) I am feeling something like homesickness.

YES. That is exactly the feeling I have. Thing is, I am feeling literally homesick as I had to relocate for a job and the relocation exacerbated the b/u with my boyfriend. My heart has taken such a beating. I'm going through double-loss: losing my community and losing my boyfriend. I identified the homesickness as missing my last city, but like you, I'm also terribly homesick for my ex.

Eric, two things: 1) maybe for a little while stop counting the days of NC. Still hang on to your willpower, but stop reminding yourself of the time passing. I did that for a while and you realize how quick the days pass. And 2) I am three months broken up and 2.5 months mutual NC and yes, Month 3 NC is damn difficult. I've had terrible relapse urges, but I am doing everything in my power to stay NC. I have too much pride to break NC and be made a fool of by him.
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« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2013, 10:52:44 AM »

I like what peas said here.  Very positive tools for you, Eric1


Excerpt
Eric, two things: 1) maybe for a little while stop counting the days of NC. Still hang on to your willpower, but stop reminding yourself of the time passing. I did that for a while and you realize how quick the days pass. And 2) I am three months broken up and 2.5 months mutual NC and yes, Month 3 NC is damn difficult. I've had terrible relapse urges, but I am doing everything in my power to stay NC. I have too much pride to break NC and be made a fool of by him.




I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Of course you still care about her!  I think most of us care about our x's in some way.  This ability to care is not a bad thing.  However... .most of us have had to learn to care from a distance because being involved is dangerous to US.

I still care about crazyx -- it's certainly not the "care" that I had when I first ended things 12 years ago.  That kind of "care" was no better for him than it was for me.

Your "care" of her will be redefined over time.  Right now... .you need to care for yourself.  Think about the kind of life you want to have.  :)oes it include the chaos that you've been dealing with?  :)oes it include a person who will scratch your cheek and spit at you?  :)oes it include constant arguing and distress? Sometimes we grow comfortable in the discomfort of these sick relationships and we settle for a life that's not very fulfilling.  Sure, there might be snippets of happiness, but as time goes on... .the moments of UNhappiness far outweigh the fleeting moments of happiness.  Hmmm... .happiness... .that's an entirely different thread.  You need to define the word "happiness" for yourself!  I had to do that too.

Anyway... .I digress.  What do you want your life to look like (and leave her out of it.)  :)o you want a life of joy?  :)o you want to try new things?  :)o you want to change jobs? Do you want to travel?  Start thinking about what YOU want of this life. For me, thinking about how I wanted my life to be finally overshadowed my desire to speak with crazyx.  As I began to think about the things I KNEW I wanted in my life, I could never imagine a scenario where he would fit in my plan.  My plan didn't include chaos, fear, rage, constant arguing, stress, and so on.

You are free now Eric1 and if you want to be free, it's time to act free!

turtle


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Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2013, 02:58:42 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying its selfish to be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

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« Reply #31 on: September 28, 2013, 04:14:21 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying its selfish to be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

hey, i don't think you messed up. sounds like you had a conversation with her that didn't go into a hateful or devaluating space. the last phone convo i had with my ex, i'm glad i had as she was kind and it's just easier for me to leave things be on a better note than on a sour note.

couple things: after our breakup, my ex tended to call or text me either way early in the morning or way late at night--i see this as her trying to screw things up with the woman i was dating at the time. your ex could very well just be "checking in" to see if you're with someone else.

also, my ex would only call me when she was having trouble with her bf or definitely just after she was breaking up with (one of) them. but this is the thing that ultimately pushed me away. i grew tired of being abused and ignored while she wooed and screwed her new victim, only to have her come back acting sweet when things blew up in her face. honestly i identified with the men she was victimizing more than i got an ego boost from hearing from her. at some point i had to be like "why the **** are you calling me when i know you're probably abusing the guy you're currently with". it just became disgusting b/c i knew in a heartbeat she would do the same to me.

and, all of this contact from her is a test to see how much control she has over you. trust that she's lying to you by saying that you are special (you are only 1 of 3 people she wanted to tell)--you're not special b/c her *actions* show you that you aren't special to her. in fact, no one is special to her. i'm not trying to say what she is thinking, that would be going too far--i'm sure her emotions sway back and forth from putting you up on a pedestal and then back in the trash can. thing is you can only judge by how she treats you over the long term--and you know overall her treatment of you is horrid, regardless if she has a temporary urge to be nostalgic or controlling. i say just be thankful this last convo was civilized and use this to strengthen your resolve to not stay in contact.

lastly, it's a totally natural fear you have of wanting to contact her, thinking that she'll stop thinking about you if you don't send her a message. well, one, let her stop thinking about you. all the better. and although this is true it doesn't necessarily make us feel better (even though we know it's good for us). but you have to also understand this--contacting her will push her away, not bring her back. you contacting her emboldens her bad behavior, lets her know you're weak and still "care" (meaning you're willing to stuff any self esteem away and accept her treatment of you). if you end up contacting her, or contacting her too much it will just make you look weak in her eyes (this isn't just a BPD thing, just a general rule of attraction).

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« Reply #32 on: September 28, 2013, 04:38:40 AM »

My self esteem has started to reach an all time high. I'm back in great shape, decorating my house & have all new furitnure coming. I want to travel this time next year before i'm 30, then when i return, i'm going back to college because i either want to become a primary school teacher or work with disabled children. I've been texting a girl from (pof - sad i know) and i've stopped seeing that other girl. Everythings going well. I have no urge to contact her anymore.

She must have been out with her new chap to just abruptly hang up. I very much doubt he knows she was talking to me. She sounded at times like she was going to cry, she had been drinking.

Suppose i'll face the music if she does turn up at this party tonight. I'm in a better, stronger place tho.
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« Reply #33 on: September 28, 2013, 04:46:07 AM »

Bravo Eric1! glad to hear. stay strong  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #34 on: September 28, 2013, 02:45:43 PM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying itsselfishto be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

She's right - it was selfish.  Like a child ... .except she isn't a kid.  I wonder why she only has 3 people?  Maybe it has to do with her behavior?

Eric sometimes what seems like little things compared to huge transgressions are a good reminder of what you are actually dealing with.

Times like this I had a list of the real ugly stuff that happened and I read it as a loving reminder to myself what things were really like so I didn't wax nostalgic on the good things only.  Wax nostalgic on the truly awful s*** too - keep it real.

Do you have an ugly list?
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« Reply #35 on: September 28, 2013, 03:19:43 PM »

I had an ugly list on my nightstand for quite a while, it is like a jolt of reality when thoughts start to waunder back to 'what if'.  Like a good cup of caffeine in the morning to wake you up.

I think a year is a pretty standard measure of grieving a loss.  Grieving the good parts that were lost.  And lots of healing from the bad parts.  These relationships can really put a hurt on a person, emotionally, and to self esteem.  Your feelings are normal for what you've been through.  It's not an easy year but it gets better and better with time and the dips into sadness get shorter.  

Oh, want to add that if she catches you on the phone, start practicing a boundary such as, I'm happy for you but in the future could you not call me so early/so late/during dinner/while I'm eating lunch.  She won't care a darn about your boundary but it will be good practice for you to start voicing them.  Empowering and learning how to do it for other relationships, too.
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« Reply #36 on: September 29, 2013, 04:52:45 AM »

Well, I messed up.

I was asleep last night, the phone rang, in a daze I awnsered. It was her.

She said she wanted to tell me she got a new job & that there was only 3 people she really wanted to tell. Her mum, her brother & me (Not her new bloke?)

She then apologised saying itsselfishto be calling.

She hung up without warning, must have been with her other bloke.

I struggled getting back to sleep. But, honestly don't feel bad like i have done in the passed after talking to her.

She's right - it was selfish.  Like a child ... .except she isn't a kid.  I wonder why she only has 3 people?  Maybe it has to do with her behavior?

Eric sometimes what seems like little things compared to huge transgressions are a good reminder of what you are actually dealing with.

Times like this I had a list of the real ugly stuff that happened and I read it as a loving reminder to myself what things were really like so I didn't wax nostalgic on the good things only.  Wax nostalgic on the truly awful s*** too - keep it real.

Do you have an ugly list?

I did write a list of all the bad points to remind me. It did help.

I was a bit taken aback when she said about her mum, bro and me. She does have a group of friends she's close too, and I assume she's still seeing this bloke. If she was desperate to tell me, she could have just dropped a text or something.

Luckily she didn't come to the party. But, then phone call has got my analysing.
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2013, 06:54:03 AM »

It's real easy to get caught up analyzing these problems from the outside in... .sometimes working it from the inside out is better.

Inside out - what do you think a older version of you would tell you if he came back in time to school you a bit?
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« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2013, 01:42:11 PM »

'Life's too short'

That's probably what I'd tell myself.

I miss her again now. I know no contact is the only way & her breaking it has set me back a bit. But, it's almost like I want to call her.
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« Reply #39 on: September 29, 2013, 02:37:30 PM »

Hi all.  I need encouragement!  I am firmly no contact with my dBPD ex wife.  I avoid her. like the flu.  But today I saw her driving.  She was coming my way on the same street.  My heart raced.  She was coming from the direction of her new man's house, which tells me they are still together. I turned quickly.  Darn it!  I don't want this to ruin my whole Sunday.  Why does she still evoke such a reaction from me?  We are in the midst of a divorce and she nearly destroyed me.  She offends me on many levels.  But I am still so jealous and hurt.  Sigh... .

Fiddlestix
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« Reply #40 on: September 29, 2013, 03:34:43 PM »

Hi all.  I need encouragement!  I am firmly no contact with my dBPD ex wife.  I avoid her. like the flu.  But today I saw her driving.  She was coming my way on the same street.  My heart raced.  She was coming from the direction of her new man's house, which tells me they are still together. I turned quickly.  Darn it!  I don't want this to ruin my whole Sunday.

Hi fiddlestix, hang in there! You need to avoid her because it's like your immune system hasn't built up enough antibodies to avoid catching her like the flu. There is NO shame in how you feel!

Some mutual friends have called me about exBPDgf, and it ruins my mood, so I imagine that I'd have the same exact reaction as you did if I saw her driving down the street.

Do you have hobbies and/or friends that can help keep you busy at tunes like this?
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« Reply #41 on: September 29, 2013, 04:08:43 PM »

Yes, I am a very involved person.  I have many creative and meaningful outlets.  I have a job that engages me, many good friends, my children love me and live with me, I have a supportive therapist, pastor, relatives... .  All the pieces for a full recovery are in place.  But after spending over 25 years with my wife there are many toxins in my system.  Thanks so much!  This board is a lifeline:-):-):-)

Fiddlestix
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« Reply #42 on: September 29, 2013, 05:12:47 PM »

I want my ex back. 
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« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2013, 09:41:08 PM »

I want my ex back. 

she's got you right where she wants you. as a backup to her current boy toy. don't settle for this Eric1 -- you deserve to be a woman's number 1, not her plaything who she enjoys abusing.

who do you really think this person is?
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« Reply #44 on: September 29, 2013, 11:26:52 PM »

Excerpt
I want my ex back.

Why?
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« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2013, 02:58:24 AM »

Excerpt
I want my ex back.

Why?

I miss her. I'm not playing second fiddle, but hearing her voice again has set me back. It probably doesn't help that i drank alot over the weekend. But, the stuff she said in the brief conversation, makes me think about everything. I'm glutton for punishment, but i want to get back with her. 
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« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2013, 07:44:43 AM »

She will only hurt you again, Eric.

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« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2013, 07:46:24 AM »

Of course you do, the alcoholic wants another drink, the nicotine addict wants another cigarette.  These addictions all have something in common.  They help us to avoid something.

Eric, the deceptive charm, the 'I only had three people to call" was bait.  You know like that dangly light on the fish in Finding Nemo.
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« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2013, 08:18:18 AM »

Of course you do, the alcoholic wants another drink, the nicotine addict wants another cigarette.  These addictions all have something in common.  They help us to avoid something.

Eric, the deceptive charm, the 'I only had three people to call" was bait.  You know like that dangly light on the fish in Finding Nemo.

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

I thought I was stronger, but it's messed me up a little.
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« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2013, 09:19:07 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).
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« Reply #50 on: September 30, 2013, 09:26:44 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).

I said to her, in my daze "Well done, i'm proud of you" Then it sounded as if she was getting upset and said "I just want people to be proud of me" then she asked if i was ok, then the phone went dead.

I couldn't get back with her because i don' trust her. So, why do i want her back?
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« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2013, 09:39:25 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!
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« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2013, 09:49:04 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!

In bold.

Bingo.

Try and remember what it was that she said to you about her previous ex before you started dating her.

That is what she will most likely say about you to the next person.

It sucks.

That is BPD.
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« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2013, 10:18:33 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.



Eric, believe me when I say that I truly understand your pain. I've spent a full year 24/7 thinking about her, what if shes better? am I forgotten? did she love me? how would things have been if XYZ did not happen? It's hard and I hope my response is dismissive.

When you panic, please try to imagine what would your life be with your BPDex partner.

What would be teh quality of it? will you be happy?  I'm almost 99.99% certain that it wouldn't be better but actually much worse.

Whenever I felt this panic, I would think about the quality of my life now vs. having her in it. Now > than having her in my life.

Stick to NC.

From my own experience, my BPDex did not forget a single person or date. I doubt you BPDex will ever forget you. However, it's a good chance your ex partner is painting you black all over the place and using you as a villian to hook the next person.

They don't forget but they also don't have the ability to have a relationship with love and reciprocity. Keep on, this is a bump in the road and you'll get over it. Remind yourself, tell yourself that this pain will leave and being with your partner will only worsen the quality of your life.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) be strong!

In bold.

Bingo.

Try and remember what it was that she said to you about her previous ex before you started dating her.

That is what she will most likely say about you to the next person.

It sucks.

That is BPD.

I remember passed girlfriends & dates i've been on tho.

This is why no contact is imperitive. I always feel like this after. Analyzing, second geussing etc

Hurts.
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« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2013, 10:31:00 AM »

we have to accept the reality of who these people really are. accept the ugly reality of it.

but even more difficult is accepting the beautiful reality of how much better off we are to *not* have them in our lives.

feel sorry for her current victim more than yourself to get some temporary relief.

over time, as you are able to process and let go of your own pain, you'll even have moments of feeling sorry for their sorry ass  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #55 on: September 30, 2013, 10:48:19 AM »

we have to accept the reality of who these people really are. accept the ugly reality of it.

but even more difficult is accepting the beautiful reality of how much better off we are to *not* have them in our lives.

feel sorry for her current victim more than yourself to get some temporary relief.

over time, as you are able to process and let go of your own pain, you'll even have moments of feeling sorry for their sorry ass  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

We say her new victim, but things must be going well, otherwis i expect i would know about it. She's finally got her dream job, so everything is going well for her. I put up with ___ and her misery, now everythings going great and shes with a new person. I'm left by the gutter and he reaps what i wanted.

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« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2013, 10:54:16 AM »

Eric... .

All of that is an appearance.

Inside of her... .

She is already devaluing that new person.

It hasnt fully surfaced yet.

But it will.

And he will wonder... .

In time... .

Is this what she did to Eric... .?

And now is doing this to me... .


That is the disorder.

He will be subjected to the same god awful behavior that you were subjected to.

It doesnt stop.

It is a cycle of behavior that goes on and on.

Each time... .

Triggered by the person closest to them.

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« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2013, 10:57:09 AM »

"There was only three people I really wanted to tell" Why does she say that? I know she's baiting, but she is seeing someone, so it's a bit weird. She did apologise for calling.

At first knowing that your ex is confiding in you instead of her current victim of the month does give you a much needed ego boost. But Eric1 have to warn you not to take this to heart. After a while, when your ex calls you and confides in you when you know she's with someone else it will make you sick, because you know that this is exactly how she treated you and will treat you if you keep playing with her. And you're like, "hmm, I wonder who she was calling and confiding in when *we* were together", because you know they did it then too. Just how they roll.

It's sad, I think with someone who wasn't so sick I would feel good knowing I was important still in this person's life... .but after a while you begin to realize that they are only capable of acting in their own best interest (which often times means doing things to hurt you or the men they are currently with).

I said to her, in my daze "Well done, i'm proud of you" Then it sounded as if she was getting upset and said "I just want people to be proud of me" then she asked if i was ok, then the phone went dead.

I couldn't get back with her because i don' trust her. So, why do i want her back?


She did not say, she wanted you to be proud of her.  She wanted "people" to be proud of her.  I am very sure she did not only tell 3 people.   I have no doubt that a lot of people know and she is wanting the pats on the back from all them to boost her ego.  Saying that you are 1 of 3 people was to reel you in, to make you feel special and then in return give her the adulation like you most likely did in the past.
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« Reply #58 on: September 30, 2013, 11:05:09 AM »

eric... .

listen to someone who is on the otherside, it took me a damn long time and some extremely hard work to get to where I am today.

My BPDex is beautiful, I'm not going to deny that. She is extremely sexual on all social networking sites, to a point that it's obnoxious. She's always talking about sex, men who eat out women, how much she loves it, she takes vogue like photos with love captions in french. Very mysterious, very deep -_-. She needs to cut the BS out LOL.

It killed me at first. I was over FLOWING with anger, jealously, a feeling of "I'm missing out by not being with her!" Listen, this front, whatever or whoever they have in their life, wether it be a new car, new man, money, job, home, it's a band-aid.

Who they are online, is BS.

I dated her, she made us seem like a match made in heaven on FB, Instagram, Twitter. Really? no one knew HER or what was going on behind closed doors but ME.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter what material possession they have aquired, or status, or hubby or girlfriend, they WON'T BE HAPPY. Truth is, they are the sole reason why they're not happy. They are the epitome of self fulfilling prophecy. Was my BPDex happy? at MOMENTS, but overall? she was in a chaotic turmoil in her head. TRapped.

Feel bad for that because the pain we feel is perhaps 30% of what they feel DAILY. On the other hand, be thankful you got rid of someone like that. Not because they are mentally ILL and have BPD, I don't like to judge them by that. I judge them by their actions. BPD or not, they do not take responsiblity for their actions. They much rather play a victim and a martyr and hurt others, when it's time to own up to what they've done you get this repsonse "well... .X Y Z happened to me, so I'm damaged goods, so I don't need to apologize.

You need time to grow as an individual. FEEL your emotions... .because this heartbreak however painful and damaging it may seem, is a huge opportunity for self growth! Remember that.
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« Reply #59 on: September 30, 2013, 11:08:14 AM »

eric... .

listen to someone who is on the otherside, it took me a damn long time and some extremely hard work to get to where I am today.

My BPDex is beautiful, I'm not going to deny that. She is extremely sexual on all social networking sites, to a point that it's obnoxious. She's always talking about sex, men who eat out women, how much she loves it, she takes vogue like photos with love captions in french. Very mysterious, very deep -_-. She needs to cut the BS out LOL.

It killed me at first. I was over FLOWING with anger, jealously, a feeling of "I'm missing out by not being with her!" Listen, this front, whatever or whoever they have in their life, wether it be a new car, new man, money, job, home, it's a band-aid.

Who they are online, is BS.

I dated her, she made us seem like a match made in heaven on FB, Instagram, Twitter. Really? no one knew HER or what was going on behind closed doors but ME.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter what material possession they have aquired, or status, or hubby or girlfriend, they WON'T BE HAPPY. Truth is, they are the sole reason why they're not happy. They are the epitome of self fulfilling prophecy. Was my BPDex happy? at MOMENTS, but overall? she was in a chaotic turmoil in her head. TRapped.

Feel bad for that because the pain we feel is perhaps 30% of what they feel DAILY. On the other hand, be thankful you got rid of someone like that. Not because they are mentally ILL and have BPD, I don't like to judge them by that. I judge them by their actions. BPD or not, they do not take responsiblity for their actions. They much rather play a victim and a martyr and hurt others, when it's time to own up to what they've done you get this repsonse "well... .X Y Z happened to me, so I'm damaged goods, so I don't need to apologize.

You need time to grow as an individual. FEEL your emotions... .because this heartbreak however painful and damaging it may seem, is a huge opportunity for self growth! Remember that.

In bold.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #60 on: September 30, 2013, 12:34:04 PM »

She's just tried calling me.
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« Reply #61 on: September 30, 2013, 05:27:38 PM »

Love yourself. If your best friend was going through this... .Would you tell him to? What would you tell him?

Because ALL my friends told me to get out MONTHS before she left me.

They didn't say it to piss me off... .They said it the same as a friend would tell their alcoholic best friend to please stop drinking. I was in tears every other weekend... .Conditioned for it to be my fault... .

I wish other knew just how things were. I wish everyone knew how I treated my ex... .I think they must think I'm crazy or weird or a bad bf... .Or that there HAD to be SOMETHING... .With me no one saw... .If only the world knew the truth... .If only my ex knew the truth... .Even they don't know what is reality.

Be cautious Eric... .Mine is gone for good. It's a blessing and curse... .I'm thankful and upset at the same time... .But how would your life be?

A friend said to me, "Happiness in a relationship should be a constant, not a bonus."

Even if the bonus is huge... .When it's not happy bonus time... .It's F*** F*** F*** this sux time.
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« Reply #62 on: September 30, 2013, 09:24:51 PM »

I miss her. I'm not playing second fiddle, but hearing her voice again has set me back. It probably doesn't help that i drank alot over the weekend. But, the stuff she said in the brief conversation, makes me think about everything. I'm glutton for punishment, but i want to get back with her. 

Wasn't hard to see this coming.

No one here can tell you not to go back.  YOU have to decide that for yourself.  You know the drill. You know the outcome.  You go back. You put up with more ___. Then you break up again, and pour your broken heart out here.  When the pain of being with her is finally greater than the pain of being away from her, you'll stay away from her - and the guaranteed pain that she brings into your life.

I'm sorry you're struggling. We've all been there and we all know how hard it is.

This is YOUR choice, Eric1... .if you do decide to reengage in this mess, please don't stop reading and posting here.  If you go back, you'll need more support than ever. 

turtle


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« Reply #63 on: September 30, 2013, 11:00:50 PM »

Eric I felt the exact same way after out first break up.  I knew what I was setting myself up for but I just couldn't let go.  I understand.  The second break up came two months after the first.  It was a rough two months.  Things just got worse.  I'm probably lucky that he dumped me the second time.  And only really reached out in the "I miss you" sense almost three months later. 

I like Turtle's response.  You're going to do what you need to do.  And we're all here to support you.
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« Reply #64 on: October 01, 2013, 04:23:29 AM »

I've stayed strong. Ignored the call, haven't responded.

Just baffles as to why she would still call.
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« Reply #65 on: October 01, 2013, 04:54:26 AM »

We say her new victim, but things must be going well, otherwis i expect i would know about it. She's finally got her dream job, so everything is going well for her. I put up with ___ and her misery, now everythings going great and shes with a new person. I'm left by the gutter and he reaps what i wanted.

She has BPD. The fact of the matter is that every person she gets involved romantically with is going to get put through the same meat grinder you did. Her behavior is a learned set of responses ingrained into her personality. They are dysfunctional, that's why they are called personality disorders.

Yes the new guy might get a certain honeymoon period but as we all know it never lasts. Ask yourself this: if she was so happy with the new guy, then why did she need to call YOU? Sounds like trouble in paradise or typical BPD behavior. If you want to get involved with her again, at least you know what to expect now, right?
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« Reply #66 on: October 01, 2013, 07:51:34 AM »

These folks are empty shells, they constantly need someone to enmesh with or they start to feel like they don't exist.  That's why she is calling you.  To use you for her own selfish gain.  And then to absorb the hatred as they turn it from themselves onto you.

Sounds like fun, huh?  Be strong friend.  When you get her out of your head, you can start working on resolving why you fell for someone that is so very bad for you.
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« Reply #67 on: October 01, 2013, 07:59:29 AM »

These folks are empty shells, they constantly need someone to enmesh with or they start to feel like they don't exist.  That's why she is calling you.  To use you for her own selfish gain.  And then to absorb the hatred as they turn it from themselves onto you.

Sounds like fun, huh?  Be strong friend.  When you get her out of your head, you can start working on resolving why you fell for someone that is so very bad for you.

Thats partially what I was thinking. Using me for my validation.

I am eager to know what she wanted to talk about tho.
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« Reply #68 on: October 01, 2013, 08:08:24 AM »

I'm sure it was to find out how you're doing... .NOT.  It was something about HER to self soothe HER because it's all about HER.  Or something to further bait you with, how did she hook you in, in the past?

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« Reply #69 on: October 01, 2013, 08:18:32 AM »

I'm sure it was to find out how you're doing... .NOT.  It was something about HER to self soothe HER because it's all about HER.  Or something to further bait you with, how did she hook you in, in the past?

We've both been as bad as each other with contacting after the break up(s) in the passed. I pushed for reconcilation last time. I did at the begining of this break up, but have sorted myself out, and am currently where i am now.

I assume she is still seeing my replacement. She shouldn't be interested in calling me. She said on friday that it was selfish of her to call and shes sorry. Then, she rings again yesterday. Bloody women.
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« Reply #70 on: October 01, 2013, 08:35:17 AM »

Woman.  She can't self soothe by herself.  This is her driving motivation.  They become very good at figuring out what buttons to push.  With no empathy or concern for their object.  You have one purpose in her mind and she will do whatever it takes, with no concern about how this will emotionally harm you.  She is an abuser.
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« Reply #71 on: October 01, 2013, 08:55:22 AM »

Strong words, rose tiger.

I'll stay strong, hopefully she won't call again.
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« Reply #72 on: October 01, 2013, 11:49:25 AM »

That was rough to hear.  The thing is Eric, you use her, too.  To avoid dealing with something.  You were getting something out it.  For the same reasons people drink, get into workaholism, become exercise freaks, etc.  There is personal stuff people try to avoid with addictions.
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« Reply #73 on: October 01, 2013, 03:00:19 PM »

That was rough to hear.  The thing is Eric, you use her, too.  To avoid dealing with something.  You were getting something out it.  For the same reasons people drink, get into workaholism, become exercise freaks, etc.  There is personal stuff people try to avoid with addictions.

I wouldn't say I use her. I would say I had unrealistic expectations from the relationship I.e Children, marriage etc. Obviously this was never going to be possible because one minute she wants to get married, then she doesn't, then she wants kids, then she doesn't. I thought we had a future, I was in love.
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« Reply #74 on: October 01, 2013, 06:52:12 PM »

I hear what you're saying, you wanted to be with her, you wanted a future.

What I'm wondering is why... .you loved a person that was physically abusive, was given to rage, belittled you, made you doubt yourself, turned on you in a heartbeat.  :)oes that make sense?  Would you want the mother of your children physically abusing them?  Raging at them?  Belittling them?

Why didn't you walk away at the first sign of abuse?
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« Reply #75 on: October 01, 2013, 10:03:00 PM »

@tiger rose... .

Pretty sure Eric thought it would change. I think maybe let up on the gas... .I know I would upset by now with the continued questioning.

We get it... .Challenge why... .But He will come to see these things in time. You're not wrong... .But it's fresh.
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« Reply #76 on: October 02, 2013, 05:49:51 AM »

I hear what you're saying, you wanted to be with her, you wanted a future.

What I'm wondering is why... .you loved a person that was physically abusive, was given to rage, belittled you, made you doubt yourself, turned on you in a heartbeat.  :)oes that make sense?  Would you want the mother of your children physically abusing them?  Raging at them?  Belittling them?

Why didn't you walk away at the first sign of abuse?

Why didn't we all walk away? We all stayed. I fell in love with her, can't do much about that. I've learnt that i can't ignore the redflags in fututre and to not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Still haven't called back & havn't received further contact.

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« Reply #77 on: October 02, 2013, 07:55:09 AM »

True, we all stayed.  I would figure, oy, did I pick a bad one and then I moved on.  To another bad one.  And another.  I got to the point where I started looking at why I was attracted to abusers.  What was that all about?  Why did I not walk away much much sooner?  How could I love someone that was so mean to me?

There is something about us.  There's a reason why we felt comfortable and loved by people that have no capacity to love whatsoever.  Was it really love we were feeling or was it something else?  Was the draw more of trying to placate and control an abuser so that we could feel better?  Is that our self soother?

Water finds it's own level, we tend to become partners at the same mental health level.  If our partners were disordered, what does that mean about our part?
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« Reply #78 on: October 02, 2013, 09:46:02 AM »

I knew mine 13.5 years before dating. My dad died, 3 weeks later I went to a wedding with her as a friend... .It turned into the best first date ever. I fell in love... .For the first month or two very little flags... .Some after a month. But because I was weak and knew her so long I stayed... .

The girl before her was awesome. But I wasn't in love with her.

Anyways... .I fell into abuse... .Made to believe I was wrong and that I needed to adjust to her (mail adaptive ways, but not how I saw them at the time).

I stayed through storm after storm... .She finally left me on my birthday weekend... .Haven't heard from her since... .That was July 19/20... .I stopped trying to talk to her 4 weeks and a day ago.

I don't know... .

We have to realize that we have to stop crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for us.

I definitely feel like I did... .And gave 30000%... .Ok not THAT much... .But you get it. I stayed because I believed she would get better as she always said she would.

I lost more than just a gf... .I lost a longtime friend and the best companionship I ever knew... .She replaced my dad in a way... .And so when she left just over two months ago... .I had to deal with that and not having my best friend... .I would have never left... .Even if she didn't get help... .Maybe one day... .Anyways... .You're right, there is a reason we stayed... .Usually a generally deeper reason than we can think of initially.

I miss my ex dearly... .And I am also a little glad she is gone now. You'll get there.
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« Reply #79 on: October 02, 2013, 10:17:00 AM »

Staff only

Hi, Everyone.  We've reached the four page limit on this thread, so it is now locked.  Feel free to start a new one.
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