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Author Topic: Just need some encouragement  (Read 5628 times)
Eric1
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« on: September 24, 2013, 04:32:09 AM »

I'm getting to the longest point I haven't broke NC. For some reason, I reach this stage & start to panic that i'm going to get forgotten, so reach out.

I'm possitive about staying off the radar, but just having a weak day.
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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2013, 04:56:40 AM »

How many days has it been?
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2013, 05:07:31 AM »

About 3 months since break up.

I broke NC last weekend, but got no reply, before that we spoke about a week before that.

I'm now on 8 days today.
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2013, 05:17:35 AM »

Hey Eric1, hang in there. 

Sometimes I wish there was a machine or drug that could selectively remove all trace of my exBPDgf from my memory. But then how would I know not to fall in love with her all over again?

I don't have extraordinary willpower and I think it's been 5 or 6 weeks NC for me. I lost count... .If I can stay NC, maybe you can too? If you've been NC longer, then inspire me ok? 
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2013, 05:19:29 AM »

Eric1:

Do not worry if you break NC.  It took me 5 months to get my NC firmly established.  It has now turned into a mighty oak tree of NC. She was the one doing the breaking mostly though I did it a few times myself especially the first six weeks.

Establishing NC is very difficult on you and them.  It takes time, and breaking it is very common.  So just keep working on it, and it'll get easier.  NC is key to reestablishing your identity as a BPD basically hijacks you.
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Eric1
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2013, 05:41:50 AM »

Hey Eric1, hang in there. 

Sometimes I wish there was a machine or drug that could selectively remove all trace of my exBPDgf from my memory. But then how would I know not to fall in love with her all over again?

I don't have extraordinary willpower and I think it's been 5 or 6 weeks NC for me. I lost count... .If I can stay NC, maybe you can too? If you've been NC longer, then inspire me ok? 

That's a great length of time to have acheived. It's the point when you stop counting is when i truely think it starts becoming indifferent.

Eric1:

Do not worry if you break NC.  It took me 5 months to get my NC firmly established.  It has now turned into a mighty oak tree of NC. She was the one doing the breaking mostly though I did it a few times myself especially the first six weeks.

Establishing NC is very difficult on you and them.  It takes time, and breaking it is very common.  So just keep working on it, and it'll get easier.  NC is key to reestablishing your identity as a BPD basically hijacks you.

I think thats what makes me struggle, is that she hasn't tried contacting me or reaching out to me. I would love a message or a phone call, just so i know i know she still thinks about me.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2013, 06:42:32 AM »

I've heard some people say it takes 90 days to break an addiction and develop a new routine.

What normally sends you into missing the person mode? 
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Eric1
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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2013, 06:43:17 AM »

I never really stop missing her.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2013, 06:46:46 AM »

  It's okay to miss her.

What sends you to the "i need to contact her right now" mode?  What are you doing at the time?
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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2013, 06:59:36 AM »

Thing is, everything makes me want to contact her. If I'm in the gym, with friends, watching TV, cooking, working. The only thing that stops me is willpower.
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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2013, 07:28:26 AM »

Eric,

I am at 74 days NC.

I still miss my ex.

Sure.

But then i remember the devaluation.

And that cold hard reality of what i went through stops any thought of breaking NC.


Hang in there.
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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2013, 07:57:40 AM »

I never really stop missing her.

Do you miss her or do you miss the illusion who you thought she was?

Do you want to beat yourself up and blindly forget about how your were treated by this woman?

or

Do you want to regroup and find another great woman who will make you happy?
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2013, 08:39:26 AM »

The first three months were by far the hardest for me also. But I've learned the hard way not to idealize her, nor her memory. They really are'nt fantasy creatures.If physical or psychological harm was done to you, stay away period. Don't go back thinking you can love their problems away.
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Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.~ Churchill
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2013, 02:17:39 PM »

First 3 were hardest for me too.

I would wrestle with the missing vs. What happened too.  It was hard to make sense of.

What do you do when that urge gets real powerful?
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Eric1
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« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2013, 02:27:00 AM »

First 3 were hardest for me too.

I would wrestle with the missing vs. What happened too.  It was hard to make sense of.

What do you do when that urge gets real powerful?

Text a mate, post on here or just try to remain possitive.

It's more pride now than anything. Why should I be trying to find out hows shes doing? She's the one who monkey branched into another guys arms. I'm the one that still pines for her, but I won't allow her to see that.
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« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2013, 09:17:03 AM »

Definitely post here and text friends. I am at 22 NC today. Though her dad called the police 22 days ago after I sent an honest email... .Which really wasn't "bad" in nature. But either way... .Ya. Keep posting.
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« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2013, 02:26:17 PM »

Sounds like you have a plan - that's helpful.

Sounds like your heart hasn't caught with your head yet.  Been there too.  It takes some time. 

You want to know why its easier for her to let go?  This goes for anyone, BPD or not, rebounding is like a salve.  It usually doesn't work out long term.  We still carry the baggage in and eventually have to unpack it or leave again.

You aren't rebounding with someone and dealing with your feelings of loss.  It will make you a more resilient and wiser person the next time you meet someone.  Right now it sucks it won't always though.

How's your family and friends?  Do you get a chance to see them and spend time together?
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fiddlestix
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« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2013, 06:38:09 PM »

I am beginning to understand my pain a bit more.  I was with my diagnosed BPD wife for 25 years.  There were many good times about which I am sentimental,  But, the dysfunction got unbearable.  It had to end.  She said (off and on) that she "no longer feels close to me."  Whatever... .that would often change later in the day, week, or month.  Her last day in the house over a year ago, she was sweet to me.  But I caught her with her "boyfriend" of the month that same evening.  That is when I told her to leave.  But now that we are done (I think) I am feeling something like homesickness.  For years, even when things were not that great, I still felt like I had a home in her heart.  Now I feel like I have been evicted from her heart.  And I can't go back.  Her new guy (for now) is where I used to be... .and it feels like the worst homesickness.  It's like they are having fun "inside" and I am no longer welcome in.  She put on the charm and lured me back a few months ago.  But that did not last; she tossed me overboard when a shinier boy toy emerged.  So now I am feeling homesick for the heart in which I once dwelt.  I know that sounds so sappy LOL... .but 'tis true. 

Fiddlestix
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Eric1
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2013, 06:28:03 AM »

I want to break NC. We're never getting back together, thats a given. I wouldn't take her back.

But, I do still care about her & i'm curious to how shes doing.

Argh!
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2013, 12:32:39 PM »

I want to break NC. We're never getting back together, thats a given. I wouldn't take her back.

But, I do still care about her & i'm curious to how shes doing.

Argh!

I understand you there. I wouldn't break now... .Your ex will be around awhile. Think of checking on your ex in a couple months. Set a time down the line. But for now just keep posting here. It's tough... .But keep up the good work.

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fiddlestix
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« Reply #20 on: September 26, 2013, 12:52:30 PM »

Eric, let it ride, my man.  Do not cave in.  If she is BPD she is struggling and always will (even if she seems to be happy and thriving).  You probably know this.  If you are like me, you may want to break NC because you care and wonder.  But, perhaps you also crave some iota of validation.  Perhaps you secretly hope she is not doing well without you, and that would give you some validation.  Look forward, not back.  Just for today, do not break.  Worry about tomorrow when it comes.  Every minute of NC ushers in a bit of cleansing. 

Fiddlestix
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« Reply #21 on: September 26, 2013, 01:35:05 PM »

Eric,

I can identify with what you're going through.  She broke up with me after a 4.5 year relationship via a text message in July 2012.  Afterwards, she contacted me roughly once a month, but almost always because she wanted something.  Finally, I asked her not to contact me any further.  It just was too painful to hear from her, even if it allowed me to know what she was doing.  I've been completely NC for the past three months and it helps.

Do your best to stay strong and not give in to contacting her.  If your experience is anything like mine, your satisfaction in knowing what's going on in her life will pale in comparison to the pain of opening that wound again.  Hang in there and take things one day at a time... .

C&H
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Eric1
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« Reply #22 on: September 26, 2013, 03:45:03 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.
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« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2013, 04:43:31 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.

Eric -- You DO know what to do! Stay strong here.  So she called you.  So what?  That doesn't mean you have to talk to her!

My x still tries to contact me and it's been almost 12 years. Just because he tries to contact me doesn't mean I have to speak to him!

Contact = PAIN.  You know this!

turtle

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Eric1
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« Reply #24 on: September 26, 2013, 04:47:15 PM »

She tried calling me. I was training at the time, which she knows I do on a Thursday.

Don't know what to do.

Eric -- You DO know what to do! Stay strong here.  So she called you.  So what?  That doesn't mean you have to talk to her!

My x still tries to contact me and it's been almost 12 years. Just because he tries to contact me doesn't mean I have to speak to him!

Contact = PAIN.  You know this!

turtle

And I've stayed strong. I haven't called back, like I would. I just don't know why she would call. I doubt her new bloke would be happy that's she's ringing her ex.
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« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2013, 04:58:05 PM »

And I've stayed strong. I haven't called back, like I would. I just don't know why she would call. I doubt her new bloke would be happy that's she's ringing her ex.

Does it really matter anymore why she would call?  Over the last 12 years, I've heard a million reasons why my crazyx is calling.  All of them are BS.  And NONE of them have anything to do with the life I want for myself.  I don't want a life full of chaos, rage, dishonesty, and BS.  And that's what being around him (in any way, shape, or form,) offers.  He can try and sell a different package, but that was lost on me long ago.

If a pesky sales person keeps calling, do you care why?  You know why.  They are trying to sell you a product that you KNOW doesn't work well for you.  In fact, it's a product that will hurt you. Would you answer a sales call from someone that you knew was selling you a product that would harm you? That's exactly what's happening here. One day... .these attempts from her will roll off your back like an unwanted sales call during dinner.  

And who cares about her new bloke?  He's probably a future member here - don't forget that.

turtle

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Eric1
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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2013, 04:10:25 AM »

I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I haven't called back, usually i would have, but i haven't. She hasn't tried to call again or text msg etc

She was probably either 1. Lonley or 2. Drunk.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2013, 09:47:26 AM »

Way to go, Eric! -- I do believe you're getting it!... .the key here is that you are realizing that the reason she called very likely didn't have anything to do with you -- but probably very much to do with w/e her state of mind/mood/etc. was when she called. Stay strong.

I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I haven't called back, usually i would have, but i haven't. She hasn't tried to call again or text msg etc

She was probably either 1. Lonley or 2. Drunk.

turtle --

This --

If a pesky sales person keeps calling, do you care why? You know why. They are trying to sell you a product that you KNOW doesn't work well for you. In fact, it's a product that will hurt you. Would you answer a sales call from someone that you knew was selling you a product that would harm you? That's exactly what's happening here. One day... .these attempts from her will roll off your back like an unwanted sales call during dinner.  

And who cares about her new bloke?  He's probably a future member here - don't forget that.

turtle

Awesome!
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« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2013, 10:12:30 AM »

Fiddlestix, this:

Excerpt
But now that we are done (I think) I am feeling something like homesickness.

YES. That is exactly the feeling I have. Thing is, I am feeling literally homesick as I had to relocate for a job and the relocation exacerbated the b/u with my boyfriend. My heart has taken such a beating. I'm going through double-loss: losing my community and losing my boyfriend. I identified the homesickness as missing my last city, but like you, I'm also terribly homesick for my ex.

Eric, two things: 1) maybe for a little while stop counting the days of NC. Still hang on to your willpower, but stop reminding yourself of the time passing. I did that for a while and you realize how quick the days pass. And 2) I am three months broken up and 2.5 months mutual NC and yes, Month 3 NC is damn difficult. I've had terrible relapse urges, but I am doing everything in my power to stay NC. I have too much pride to break NC and be made a fool of by him.
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« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2013, 10:52:44 AM »

I like what peas said here.  Very positive tools for you, Eric1


Excerpt
Eric, two things: 1) maybe for a little while stop counting the days of NC. Still hang on to your willpower, but stop reminding yourself of the time passing. I did that for a while and you realize how quick the days pass. And 2) I am three months broken up and 2.5 months mutual NC and yes, Month 3 NC is damn difficult. I've had terrible relapse urges, but I am doing everything in my power to stay NC. I have too much pride to break NC and be made a fool of by him.




I still care about her, but that's just my nature. It's probably a flaw if anything  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Of course you still care about her!  I think most of us care about our x's in some way.  This ability to care is not a bad thing.  However... .most of us have had to learn to care from a distance because being involved is dangerous to US.

I still care about crazyx -- it's certainly not the "care" that I had when I first ended things 12 years ago.  That kind of "care" was no better for him than it was for me.

Your "care" of her will be redefined over time.  Right now... .you need to care for yourself.  Think about the kind of life you want to have.  :)oes it include the chaos that you've been dealing with?  :)oes it include a person who will scratch your cheek and spit at you?  :)oes it include constant arguing and distress? Sometimes we grow comfortable in the discomfort of these sick relationships and we settle for a life that's not very fulfilling.  Sure, there might be snippets of happiness, but as time goes on... .the moments of UNhappiness far outweigh the fleeting moments of happiness.  Hmmm... .happiness... .that's an entirely different thread.  You need to define the word "happiness" for yourself!  I had to do that too.

Anyway... .I digress.  What do you want your life to look like (and leave her out of it.)  :)o you want a life of joy?  :)o you want to try new things?  :)o you want to change jobs? Do you want to travel?  Start thinking about what YOU want of this life. For me, thinking about how I wanted my life to be finally overshadowed my desire to speak with crazyx.  As I began to think about the things I KNEW I wanted in my life, I could never imagine a scenario where he would fit in my plan.  My plan didn't include chaos, fear, rage, constant arguing, stress, and so on.

You are free now Eric1 and if you want to be free, it's time to act free!

turtle


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