Through my r/s with a BPD woman and a year of recovery I came to realize I was behaving co dependently with an organization. I was the president of a struggling non-profit org that oversaw a small museum. The VP was a woman I met in AlAnon (btw same meeting I met the ex
).
It was kind of like a dysfunctional family. I was the father figure - the manager was like the scapegoat child - everything was her fault. The VP was the passive aggressive mother that manipulated me to discipline the child (manager). Nothing the manager was right (micro managing) - it was my job the correct it.
I was also the rescuer - I did the heavy lifting with fundraising, strategic planning and even big picture finances (treasurer not active).
The we brought on a new board member ("adopted teenager" - sweet on the outside - angry inside. She wanted a lot of attention from the me (father) - there were sexual under currents. When she didn't get the my attention (felt victimized) she raged at me (turned into the perpetrator). I went from rescuer to victim (scapegoat). The VP took her side (passive aggressively). The "family dynamics" had changed.
As scapegoat now all the attention focused on me - things that they had no former interest in came under scrutiny and harsh criticism. I started to feel uncomfortable and saw my unhealthy over responsibility and rescuing.
I tried to resign. "No you can't go! What would we do without you?". I felt responsible and did one more "heroic" act - a major grant application. The ink wasn't dry when I got a very angry phone call from the "teenager". That was it - I quit!
Now the VP and "teenager" have swung into "revenge" mode. They are reviewing all my contributions and finding fault with them. They are spreading rumors on what a "terrible leader" I was.
Oh well ... .the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I see the pair as wounded adult children. The best thing I can do for them is to step away and let them learn for themselves. They may feel abandoned and angry but that is not my stuff. What other people think and say about me is none of my business.
Now I am free to work on myself and my own ventures. I had been over spending my time rescuing and playing the father figure.
I can thank my BPD r/s for letting me see the light.
Noli