Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:32:50 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Codependant with an Organization  (Read 343 times)
nolisan
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332



« on: September 30, 2013, 08:36:16 AM »

 Through my r/s with a BPD woman and a year of recovery I came to realize I was behaving co dependently with an organization. I was the president of a struggling non-profit org that oversaw a small museum. The VP was a woman I met in AlAnon (btw same meeting I met the ex Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

It was kind of like a dysfunctional family. I was the father figure - the manager was like the scapegoat child - everything was her fault. The VP was the passive aggressive mother that manipulated me to discipline the child (manager). Nothing the manager was right (micro managing) - it was my job the correct it.

I was also the rescuer - I did the heavy lifting with fundraising, strategic planning and even big picture finances (treasurer not active).

The we brought on a new board member ("adopted teenager" - sweet on the outside - angry inside. She wanted a lot of attention from the me (father) - there were sexual under currents. When she didn't get the my attention (felt victimized) she raged at me (turned into the perpetrator). I went from rescuer to victim (scapegoat). The VP took her side (passive aggressively). The "family dynamics" had changed.

As scapegoat now all the attention focused on me - things that they had no former interest in came under scrutiny and harsh criticism. I started to feel uncomfortable and saw my unhealthy over responsibility and rescuing.

I tried to resign. "No you can't go! What would we do without you?". I felt responsible and did one more "heroic" act - a major grant application. The ink wasn't dry when I got a very angry phone call from the "teenager". That was it - I quit!

Now the VP and "teenager" have swung into "revenge" mode. They are reviewing all my contributions and finding fault with them. They are spreading rumors on what a "terrible leader" I was.

Oh well ... .the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I see the pair as wounded adult children. The best thing I can do for them is to step away and let them learn for themselves. They may feel abandoned and angry but that is not my stuff. What other people think and say about me is none of my business.

Now I am free to work on myself and my own ventures. I had been over spending my time rescuing and playing the father figure.

I can thank my BPD r/s for letting me see the light.

Noli

Logged
Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



WWW
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2013, 09:10:06 PM »

That's very interesting, nolisan... .Did you find that leaving the organization (once you figured out the co-dependency) was easier than leaving the relationship with your BPD?

I had a co-dependent relationship with my last job, prior to even learning about BPD and finding this site. Two co-workers (parallel in status to my boss and myself) with no actual power over me, exerted power anyway and now that I know what I know, I believe they both at least have BPD traits (if not uBPD in reality). They were terrible to work with; I didn't know if the day would be good or bad with them and eventually ended up having stomach aches and depression and dread every morning upon waking on a workday. Blech!  I left because the workplace felt hostile to me, and I still have nightmares about being back there (I'd worked there for 5.5 years).

And, it was very hard for me to leave that job. The money was pretty good, and I spent years thinking that if I just said the right thing, showed the right emotion, walked more carefully on the eggshells (  ), things would get better. Gaaah! Now that I've learned what I've learned here, I realize I handled everything wrong, in my attempts to be "friends" with them and show them that I had value and really did do a good job (which I did). It truly was like being in a bad marriage, with a man and another woman, at that!

I'm glad you made it out of that organization, and seem to be doing well. No nightmares, I hope 
Logged

Surnia
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2013, 11:16:32 PM »

I can relate with it too. I had recently some thoughts about being a caretaker at work. I see some tendencies there too in my life. I am in observation mode about this with myself at work. 
Logged

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
nolisan
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332



« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2013, 01:36:53 PM »

Did you find that leaving the organization (once you figured out the co-dependency) was easier than leaving the relationship with your BPD?

YES! Only 2 recycles! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



WWW
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2013, 01:42:46 PM »

YES! Only 2 recycles! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Hahahahahaha!

Well, I guess that makes sense... .It's a bit less of an emotional entanglement with a co-worker than it is with a Significant Other... .I know how hard it was to get disentangled with my last job/co-workers, but never left my husband, so I was just wondering. Makes sense  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I'm glad you are doing well!
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!