A reflection after my horrible day yesterday.

[Ironmanrises]

I was watching the movie "Lost and Delirious" (with Piper Perabo)... .

Its really good... .

It may trigger.

A sad movie about the finding of... .

And loss of love... .

Set in an all girls school.

One of the lines in the movie was... .

"Have you ever been really thirsty?

And you open a carton of milk and you pour it in your mouth... .

And it's... .sour.

That happened.

Inside me."

Isnt this what a lot of us nons contend with?

It is what happened when we fell in love with the pwBPD... .

We were really thirsty(we needed to be loved)... .

They gave us a carton of milk(idealization)... .

We poured it in our mouth(soul)... .

And its... .sour(devaluation/illusion)

That happened(to all of us)... .

Inside me(pain lingers and spreads)... .

The words jumped out at me.

Why did i need to be loved?

Why was i so thirsty for it?

These are uncomfortable questions.

They are highlighting a core wound within me.

That has never healed.

I have to heal that wound.

Otherwise i will never be free.

Self reflection after my setback from yesterday.

My eyes were puffy from my tears when i woke up.

[PhoenixRising15]

IronMan,

I hurt hearing your pain, brother.

Find that wound.

Nurture it.

Stay here.

Be with people who understand.

It's the only thing that has helped me.

[Octoberfest]

I was watching the movie "Lost and Delirious" (with Piper Perabo)... .

Its really good... .

It may trigger.

A sad movie about the finding of... .

And loss of love... .

Set in an all girls school.

One of the lines in the movie was... .

"Have you ever been really thirsty?

And you open a carton of milk and you pour it in your mouth... .

And it's... .sour.

That happened.

Inside me."

Isnt this what a lot of us nons contend with?

It is what happened when we fell in love with the pwBPD... .

We were really thirsty(we needed to be loved)... .

They gave us a carton of milk(idealization)... .

We poured it in our mouth(soul)... .

And its... .sour(devaluation/illusion)

That happened(to all of us)... .

Inside me(pain lingers and spreads)... .

The words jumped out at me.

Why did i need to be loved?

Why was i so thirsty for it?

These are uncomfortable questions.

They are highlighting a core wound within me.

That has never healed.

I have to heal that wound.

Otherwise i will never be free.

Self reflection after my setback from yesterday.

My eyes were puffy from my tears when i woke up.

IMF-

It is very cool to see you post this. It brought me back to 2 months or so ago when I had the "ah-ha!" moment and realized that the reason this experience was so traumatic for me and lasted as long as it did had a large part to do with who I am as a person, NOT exclusively who my BPDex is and what she did.

Congratulations.  You have just taken a big step. A critical one. You are absolutely right; they are VERY uncomfortable questions. Ones that make you squirm, ones that make some feel shame, ones that make you doubt yourself. But I'll tell you what; our ability and willingness to both acknowledge and address these hard questions are what set us apart from our BPDex's.  Having the self awareness to flesh out these issues is a gift- it is hard, often painful, but we can most often resolve them.  pwBPD are not able to do this... .A large part of the reason that they seem to get stuck in the same destructive cycle.  They do not learn from themselves or from their actions to anywhere near the same extent that we do as Non's.  And this is where we come to a fork in the road.  We have each respectively been walking with our BPDex's down a trail in the woods.  It isn't a nice trail- it dark, it is overgrown, it is humid, muddy, and flanked with dangerous and poisonous wildlife as well as other hazards.  At the fork your BPDex is insistent on taking the right fork, the one that leads even deeper into the woods.  The fork to the left winds upwards, out of the trees and into the sunshine. You can take that left fork; your BPDex can't even conceive of it, and there is nothing you can say or do to convince them otherwise.

We are here on the Leaving board because we took the left fork after staying right so many times.  All that is left is to stop looking backwards and keep moving forwards, up and out.  And of course, to understand why we kept going right for so long.

[bpdspell]

Why did i need to be loved?

Why was i so thirsty for it?

These are uncomfortable questions.

They are highlighting a core wound within me.

That has never healed.

I have to heal that wound.

Otherwise i will never be free.

Ironman Falls,

Being on the path to personal insight takes courage but it's a direction that is extremely rewarding.

Insight into your core wound is where all your answers to healing are. Not PWBPD. We attracted them and tried to hold onto them due to our own core shame, emptiness, brokenness, inner sadness. When they left; they ripped the scab off of damage that was already there.

I inherited a lot of core shame from my parents. It is a devastating cycle in my family and I made the decision that this cycle will end with me. My parents did the best they could but they inflicted a lot of emotional harm on myself and my siblings with emotional neglect, abandonment, and maladaptive coping mechanisms. I'm still learning how to heal and it's a journey but I'm not where I was at in terms of my low self-worth and I can even say that I'm grateful for the experience with my ex. It woke me up from a slumber of wanting to be rescued and unconditionally loved by someone... .anyone... .it was a secret dream and fantasy of mine to be accepted because of my childhood blueprint.

What our ex's gave us was symptomatic of what already lived inside us.


Self-honesty and living in truth are your best allies in this journey. Continue to explore, navigate and grow in your truth.

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Questioning,

Thank you for your kind words.

The wound is deep... .

Extends all the way back to my childhood... .

I have had this wound... .

All my life.

Always needing to be loved.

That affects everything i do... .

Who i let in... .

My own best interests become secondary... .

Rendering my Ironman suit... .

Ineffective.

It is no wonder i allowed her abuse.

How humiliating that is to come across... .

To realize that.

I knew i compromised myself... .

Now i am beginning to see why.

That hurts.

Hang in there.

October,

Thank you.

This journey has not been easy.

I hope i didnt give you any flashbacks with this post.

Apologies if i have.

Your analogy is quite vivid... .

I can actually visualize that.

How did you feel at the fork of that road?

BPDspell,

Valid response.

The damage was always there.

She exposed it for me... .

Now i have to heal it.

[DragoN]

An interesting exploration:

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/pdf/culliford.pdf

‘Love is the revelation of our deepest personal meaning, value and identity –

but this revelation remains impossible, as long as we are the prisoner of our

own egoism.

Love is the transforming power of almost mystical intensity, which endows the

lovers with qualities and capacities they never dreamed they could possess.

Where do these qualities come from? From the enhancement of life itself –

deepened, intensified, elevated, strengthened and spiritualised by love.

Love is only a special way of being alive. It is the perfection of life. He (or she)

who loves is more alive and more real than he was when he did not love.’

(Merton, 1985)

[toomanytears]

We have each respectively been walking with our BPDex's down a trail in the woods.  It isn't a nice trail- it dark, it is overgrown, it is humid, muddy, and flanked with dangerous and poisonous wildlife as well as other hazards.  At the fork your BPDex is insistent on taking the right fork, the one that leads even deeper into the woods.  The fork to the left winds upwards, out of the trees and into the sunshine. You can take that left fork; your BPDex can't even conceive of it, and there is nothing you can say or do to convince them otherwise.

We are here on the Leaving board because we took the left fork after staying right so many times.  All that is left is to stop looking backwards and keep moving forwards, up and out.  And of course, to understand why we kept going right for so long.

Octoberfest

This is so true it hurts to read.  Beautifully put.

I've been feeling so low but this analogy is helping me to visualise  all the things that are up there out of the trees up in the sunshine - my wonderful kids, my fantastic colleagues, my lovely mum, my amazing friends and all the good times to come. The BPD roots are grabbing at my ankles trying to pull me back. I have to be strong and get out of the woods.

[Ironmanrises]

Silentium,

I broke down in tears reading that story with the key.

Quite powerful.

From the article... .

"To enable a person to find enough meaning in their present struggles to sustain them... .

Even in the midst of the most unimaginable storms... .

Thus it has to be a labour of love.

And I would say that there is a duty we ourselves have... ."

A duty i have long neglected.

To even admit to that... .

Hurts.

Forces me to look within.

That is where the wound is... .

Only my labor of love... .

Can heal it.

Powerful article Silentium.

Thank you.

[Octoberfest]

October,

Thank you.

This journey has not been easy.

I hope i didnt give you any flashbacks with this post.

Apologies if i have.

Your analogy is quite vivid... .

I can actually visualize that.

How did you feel at the fork of that road?

Making the decision to part ways with my BPDex, to choose to go left instead of continuing on deeper into the woods was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life (bear in mind however that I am only 20 years old).  It felt like I was reaching within myself and forcefully, painfully, ripping off a part of my soul... .A cancerous part. It was the epitome of those situations where you know the right thing to do is going to hurt like hell... .but ultimately I couldn't do it anymore.  I was killing myself by staying with my BPDex.

[Ironmanrises]

October,

Your words literally echoed out.

Quite powerful.

I commend you on your bravery... .

Especially at being just 20.

And dealing with this horrific ordeal.

October,

Thank you.

This journey has not been easy.

I hope i didnt give you any flashbacks with this post.

Apologies if i have.

Your analogy is quite vivid... .

I can actually visualize that.

How did you feel at the fork of that road?

Making the decision to part ways with my BPDex, to choose to go left instead of continuing on deeper into the woods was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life (bear in mind however that I am only 20 years old).  It felt like I was reaching within myself and forcefully, painfully, ripping off a part of my soul... .A cancerous part. It was the epitome of those situations where you know the right thing to do is going to hurt like hell... .but ultimately I couldn't do it anymore.  I was killing myself by staying with my BPDex.

In bold.

Says everything.

You made the right choice.

You put your interests first.

Stay strong.

[DragoN]

he remembered the innocence, the purity with which he had loved her, the joy and contentment, the mutuality, the total acceptance of each other between the two people.

This rips my heart out.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes.

That brought me to tears.

Total acceptance.