Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

[Only Human]

Thanks WD, it's slow going, but it's going.

I'm here with another:

It's Thursday and I'm working from home. I woke up around 6:15 and heard GS in the living room but didn't hear DD. I got up and GS was enjoying a self-served breakfast of chocolate syrup in a cup, haha.

I hung out with him, talking and loving him. I asked, "Did you wake mommy up?" He replied, "Yes, she told me to go back to bed but I got up again!"

Soon after, DD came out, grumpy, ranting loudly, but not yelling, "This is ridiculous, he goes to bed at 8, he got up at midnight, then 5am, now he's up at 6:30. I can't get any sleep, no matter what time I go to bed (she was up at midnight when I went to bed), I'm sick of it."

Me: You're tired, I get that.

DD: Yes, I'm tired. I'm always tired, he just needs to sleep, it's ridiculous.

GS: Oh no, memaw! Help mommy feel better!

Me: Yes, GS, mommy is upset, but she needs to make herself feel better.

GS: Okay! (then talking about something else)

DD was silent, looking at her phone. <--this is good news #1: She refrained from escalating.

GS wanted to play Go Fish, I asked DD if she'd like to join and she declined. GS got very excited and loud a couple of times, DD kept silent. <---this is good news #2: Usually a loud GS results in counting by DD, frustration by GS, then a take-five.

I am back at work in my room and heard the following exchange:

GS: You're my favorite, mommy!

DD: I know that's not true but I'll take it.

GS: It is true, you're my favorite right now.

DD: Oh, right now, okay. (laughs) I'll take that. You're my favorite too. Can I be your favorite forever?

GS: No, memaw is my favorite forever.

DD: (giggles) that makes sense.

GS: I'm going to marry memaw someday.

DD: You're going to marry memaw someday? That's so cute, GS.

Validation coming from DD to GS? I'll take it for good news #3!

I've heard DD saying things like, "Good job," "Way to go," sporadically. She has often told me she doesn't praise him because when she does, GS immediately does something bad.

Modeling works.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Today is a really good day and I'm here with another.

GS and I went next door to check the neighbor's mail. Since we had picked a lemon from her tree the other day to give to DD to put down the stinky garbage disposal, GS wanted to pick another, "for mommy," so we did.

It was a few minutes before wind-down time when we came back inside and GS wanted to wash the lemon.

DD: No, we're not washing the lemon now, I'll wash it later, it's almost wind-down time.

GS: I'll wash it really really quick.

DD: I know this is really hard for you, but I'm not washing the lemon now.

GS: (visibly upset, grunting) I'll wash it myself!

DD: I know this is really hard for you, we can wash it after your nap.

GS: (no longer upset) Ok. 

[Only Human]

Today I got up without hitting the snooze button four times. GS got up a few minutes after I did but didn't wake DD up. I went out to the kitchen to greet GS and after a few minutes I said, "Ok, let's go wake mommy up, I have to get ready to go to work."

Me: (cheerfully) Good morning DD.

GS: (cheerfully) Good morning DD.

Me: Silly, I call her DD, but you call her mommy.

GS: (cheerfully) Good morning mommy.

DD got up without complaining.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH, go you   

My favourite thread, one I've shared my gratitude. Celebrating those wonderful moments, yep you got out of the house with calm!

And again OH

WDx

[Only Human]

Last night, DD and I painted rocks together and enjoyed each other's company.

~ OH

[Music Ace]

OH - small things, beautiful things, something to hope for and aspire to.

THANKS!

Ace

[Only Human]

I wake up with GS4 on Saturdays so DD can sleep in. She usually stays in bed until after we leave the house for whatever activity we're doing. This morning, she woke up about 90 minutes after we woke up and joined us in the living room saying, "I missed you guys and wanted to come out. I might fall back asleep but don't worry if I do, I like listening to you having fun."

She also told me, "I want you to know that I really enjoy sleeping in, thank you for waking up with GS on Saturdays."

I've been working overtime every day this week. I woke up this morning to a text from DD:

DD: Oh no! I forgot to tell you I made you a bacon cheeseburger. It's in the fridge, the plate with the foil on it. I'm so sad I forgot, now it's ruined.

This morning she told me she wanted me to have something delicious to eat after working such long days all week. She started crying that she forgot to tell me about it. I thanked her, told her I really appreciated her thinking of me and doing something so nice for me.

(I'm sure the cheeseburger will be delicious for lunch)

I love her.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Oh OH this is wonderful news, your caring and thoughtful girl 
I'm so happy for you 

[wendydarling]

Thursday night my DD wrote on social media 
Just finished my last session of DBT at xxx All of us who were part of the group are SO sad it’s over. But what a wonderful & valuable 20 weeks. Not only have we learned skills; we’ve all accomplished so much in so little time. Big love to therapists XX & XX

Keep going DD.

[Only Human]

That's so awesome, WD! Your DD is growing in leaps and bounds, an inspiration to us all 

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Thanks OH, you are right she is growing in leaps and bounds and importantly she recognises she needs to keep going. So the Q is what next, I hope to be back here with another    sometime sharing her next step.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hope...]

Hello to all ..
Im happy to say I had a good visit with my grandkids.. It was only three hours but we had a blast.. The most important thing to me was that my D initiated the visit..
 I was especially encouraged that MY D drove to my house with the kids.. 3 hrs no and then drove them home. We acted as if nothing had happened..  When I went through my div 20 yrs ago...I used to give my daughter little black bears.. I would say.. "Some days u get the bear ...some days the bear gets u.. I just handed her the bear and she smiled.  Im believing this bear will be gotten with more understanding on my part.
Im believing that its the beginning of restoration for us and more understanding on my part. Thank u to all who sent me info.. Im not walking on eggshells for the first time because Im becoming educated.. I am still reading and learning and trying to live in the middle of the Karpman triangle.. So Im still working. on not enabling, not rescuing and not being the perpetrator..My faith is encouraged.. Thank u all who sent me info... There is HOPE because we see all the good and ignore the negative... thats what im doing.. Im very happy to have been reunited with my grandkids and we all had a great three hrs of love and fun.. Im hoping for more time next time and expecting..
Much Love Hope

[wendydarling]

Yes!  Hope...   

And special bear moment, connection means a lot to both of you. I get that, very empowering.

[wendydarling]

9pm here in my world. My DD was invited to a review meeting by the charity she recently completed a 20 week refresher of DBT skills. She’s there now! Her challenge is she’s meeting with the consultant she had to stand up to back in October and be accountable to., he to her too.

Stay in wisemind DD, I think he’s got you, you him too.

Getting there is a triumph    

I'm hoping this another great turning point for DD. All crossed! I'm in listening mode.

[StressedOutDaily]

A TLC... My DD16 does not like rules, and is constantly breaking them - or trying to.   We don't have many rules, but one that we have been holding to is regarding the phones.  At 9pm she must hand over her cell phone - and at 10pm she must be off the house phone.  Otherwise she will be on one or the other it all night and she really really needs her sleep.  It makes a huge difference in her behavior.   This can sometimes become a huge blow up with swearing and yelling (I hate to admit all three of us -DD, me and DH).
Last night I asked her for the cell phone at 9.  She brought it down about 5 minutes later and plugged it in to charge, and kept using it.  I asked her to please shut it down.  She refused.  She was waiting to hear if her BF could come to dinner tonight at our house.  I told her I didn't need an answer then, in the am or even in the afternoon was fine.  She kept going and checking the phone and using it.  I got up, unplugged the phone and powered it down.   The yelling began.  I did not engage, I did not defend myself, I didn't argue with her, nor did my husband.  I made a couple of validating statements - but it didn't help. I went to go upstairs to get ready for bed and she started following me - yelling and swearing.  So I quietly said " I need to go out for awhile", got the car keys and left (with her phone) .  I knew she wouldn't yell and scream at her Dad - and she didn't.  I just went around the block and parked across the street.  My husband and I texting, so we both would be aware of what was going on.  In the half hour + I was out, she called me 32 times!  I answered once - and she started yelling and swearing at me.   She left me a few voice mails - in the last one she didn't yell, didn't swear - so I called her back.  She asked me when I was coming home, said she had to text her BF, I told her she couldn't use the cell phone, but she had 10 more minutes to use the house phone if she wanted to call him - that wasn't acceptable to her.  So she started swearing at me again - so I calmly said something like " I will not be talked to this way, goodbye", hung up the phone.  I went back into the house just before 10pm - the time when she needs to give us the house phone (land line).   I went up to her bedroom asked her for the phone - she had thrown it across the room (before I got in there) and it was on the floor.  I took it, said good night, she yelled at me, called me some choice words and she wasn't going to school in the morning, and wasn't going to therapy today and I couldn't make her. I didn't say anything other than  said goodnight, and I turned off her light.   
 
I went downstairs and my husband and I spent the next 30 minutes or so quietly talking. She came down once to get a snack, made some rude remark and went back upstairs. We checked on her before we went to bed, her light was back on but she was sleeping.     

I am so proud of both my husband and I - we didn't argue with her, we didn't cave in, and we didn't make things worse.  Things calmed down in under an 90 minutes     This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.       

It is a small step, but considering at least one night each week we are in chaos for hours often until after midnight with everyone yelling, and her threatening to run away - for me this is huge. 

We have been practicing mindfullness everyday - which I think is helping.
Also reading the information on this site, reading what everyone shares, has also been a huge help.  THANK YOU!

[wendydarling]

  SOD and H, this is truly heartening news, pleased you've experienced a small break through.  

I am so proud of both my husband and I - we didn't argue with her, we didn't cave in, and we didn't make things worse.  Things calmed down in under an 90 minutes  Smiling     This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.

 

Calm, firm and loving  

Keep going.

WDx



    

[Only Human]

This morning she got up, went to school and she is currently at her therapy appointment while I sit waiting and typing this.

Wow SOD! I'm here to celebrate with you - way to go!  

WD - you and your DD inspire me every day. I want to be you when I grow up  

~ OH

[stampingt1]

Thanks for posting this thread! This is very encouraging to me. Looking forward to when I can add to this thread.

[Only Human]

Thanks for posting this thread! This is very encouraging to me. Looking forward to when I can add to this thread.

We look forward to it too, stampingt1! Sometimes I have to reach deep for something but focusing on even the tiniest little change (TLC) can set my mind on the right path, or bring it back from the brink =)

~ OH

[Only Human]

I'm here to share a text exchange with my DD25. As you may or may not know from my posts, one of the things that really sets me off is my DD's yelling/raging. I have been consistent with asking her to "please lower your voice," when she does this and have not been swayed by her even louder/more rage-y responses to my requests.

She's started to take her yelling into the garage, which is not ideal as I wonder just how long it will take before a neighbor calls the police for the disturbance. The upside is that I don't have to hear it (as loudly) and can more easily practice acts of self-care while it's going on.

The frequency of yelling/rages has decreased significantly with a few instances a month rather than several instances a week. DD is struggling with some online drama as well as the regular push-pull of her romantic relationship. On Thursday night, and into the wee hours of Friday morning, DD was screaming at her BF over the phone for hours. At one point I just walked out into the garage and looked at her without saying anything. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and all was quiet.

Saturday mornings, I wake up with GS4 and spend the morning with him, put him down for his nap, allowing DD to sleep in and get a break. Yesterday, as GS and I were hanging out, we heard DD yelling/cussing in her room on the phone. GS frantically headed toward her bedroom and said, "I have to make sure mommy's ok!" DD walked out and lovingly said, "I'm ok, GS, I'm just angry, thank you for caring about me but it's not your concern, I'll be ok." Then she took her conversation out to the garage. She didn't get too loud and about an hour later this text exchange happened:

DD: I appreciate you a lot I know I'm not easy right now.

DD: And I'm sorry I can't stop yelling.

DD: I'm trying to stay out here when I do. I know it's not enough.

Me: Thanks. I appreciate you not yelling this morning. It helped me to keep GS centered. I know you are trying and I know it's not easy. I love you no matter what.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH

The frequency of yelling/rages has decreased significantly with a few instances a month rather than several instances a week

This is impressive!  

What a thoughtful, caring and honest text.  

Go you OH!  and here's to ever increasing peace in your home     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Trust5]

Well, the second round of DBT seems to be helping my 27-year-old daughter.  When I told her I was getting ready to start a new teaching position she asked me “how do you feel about that? “And I smiled to myself because I’ve never heard her use that kind of DBT language before.  I also noticed her doing rhythmic tapping on herself two different times with two different kinds of tappings. I had never seen her do that before as a way to calm herself.   One more good thing is that I was so focused on her enormous weight gain from her medications that I neglected to notice her acne cleared up now that she has completed her hormone shots for endometriosis.  Thanks for this thread and the reminder to look for good things every day!

[wendydarling]

Wow, what a breakthrough, that must have felt so good Trust5   I learnt progress is incredibly subtle. My DD has said you can learn DBT, the struggle is to implement and use consistently. Your DD is showing her determination! She's on her way