Any experiences from a long distance relationship with a BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Also, you are going to have to shake that communication addiction. Facebook, texts, phone calls, all that stuff is addictive. It was hard for me to do, but block, delete, vanish from your life.

Yep. I'd say there is a strong element of addiction. It's what my therapist is talking of when he means "conditioned behaviour" - like Pavlov trained dogs to associate a bell ringing with food arriving, so they salivated... .eventually they would salivate without any food involved, just on hearing the bell ringing.

On Monday a friend FB-messaged suggesting meeting on Sat evening but he'd need to check with his wife they could both come along. I replied saying I'd love to catch up with them; he said he'd check and get back to me. Silence.

Friday I sent a message asking if we were still on. Friday morning I was obsessively checking for that little tick and timestamp - has he read it, has he seen my message? Friday lunchtime it was opened and read, hurrah. Then I checked obsessively for a reply... .

By Saturday 5pm I was really upset - actually, they're two good friends whom I know would never leave me in the lurch without good cause, and so I assume there has been some problem.

But the months of having messages ignored, but then hours of messaging when my ex felt like it - it's "conditioned" me Pavlov-style to associate that little FB-messaging tick with possible reward, and I duly produced saliva, like a good little doggy.

Hence why my friends are all shouting PAVLOV at me all day. Every time I think of my ex (apart from my rationed posting-time here), I have to shout PAVLOV to myself, then look for the anger at how I've been treated, and use that anger to REFUSE to have my mind controlled like that, to reject the conditioning, the training... .

Instant communication - yes, they love it and exploit it, but I think there's something about us lot too, that makes us vulnerable to getting hooked into that constant-FB, constant-texting.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Also, you are going to have to shake that communication addiction. Facebook, texts, phone calls, all that stuff is addictive. It was hard for me to do, but block, delete, vanish from your life.

Yep. I'd say there is a strong element of addiction. It's what my therapist is talking of when he means "conditioned behaviour" - like Pavlov trained dogs to associate a bell ringing with food arriving, so they salivated... .eventually they would salivate without any food involved, just on hearing the bell ringing.

On Monday a friend FB-messaged suggesting meeting on Sat evening but he'd need to check with his wife they could both come along. I replied saying I'd love to catch up with them; he said he'd check and get back to me. Silence.

Friday I sent a message asking if we were still on. Friday morning I was obsessively checking for that little tick and timestamp - has he read it, has he seen my message? Friday lunchtime it was opened and read, hurrah. Then I checked obsessively for a reply... .

By Saturday 5pm I was really upset - actually, they're two good friends whom I know would never leave me in the lurch without good cause, and so I assume there has been some problem.

But the months of having messages ignored, but then hours of messaging when my ex felt like it - it's "conditioned" me Pavlov-style to associate that little FB-messaging tick with possible reward, and I duly produced saliva, like a good little doggy.

Hence why my friends are all shouting PAVLOV at me all day. Every time I think of my ex (apart from my rationed posting-time here), I have to shout PAVLOV to myself, then look for the anger at how I've been treated, and use that anger to REFUSE to have my mind controlled like that, to reject the conditioning, the training... .

Instant communication - yes, they love it and exploit it, but I think there's something about us lot too, that makes us vulnerable to getting hooked into that constant-FB, constant-texting.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Mine was also LD, separated by about 200 miles.  We were in a relationship for 2 years seeing each other every other weekend at first then every weekend.  We relied mainly on text and IM to stay in frequent contact, and by frequent I mean he demanded constant checkins.

On occasion he'd disappear and go out with friends and would not check in .  however i was not held to the same lax standard and would get an earful if I wasn't maintaining nonstop contact and constantly telling him I loved him.

It finally ended when he left me for a woman he met at a bar while we broke up for a few days.  That was seven months ago.  Quite frankly , Ive never been happier and Im now healed, addressed my own issues and have met someone amazing who is emotionally available and healthy, who knows my story and is being patient with me.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Wow Escaped 30. Sept 2013, did you date my ex?  My friends said I too was trained like pavlovs dog or a lab rat because he conditioned me to respond with the IMs, texting, etc. Uncanny how similar these the behaviors are!

[huhhuh]

So even though it was a LDR they will still attempt to recycle? When I was discarded she used the distance as an argument. She was however searching for long distance in the beginning. (long term plans was of course to live same place)

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

So even though it was a LDR they will still attempt to recycle? When I was discarded she used the distance as an argument. She was however searching for long distance in the beginning. (long term plans was of course to live same place)

Remember, they are reacting to the moment, not being consistent over the longer term. Emotional responses of a four year old... .the here and now takes over - no ability to reason forward in time... .

Mine kept telling me that LDRs "never work" with our 500 miles in the same country, with a direct train and air service, and with me having very flexible working so I could reasonably have spent every weekend there.

My replacement lives in another country, with my ex having a two-hour train to the airport, and an hour's travel at the other end of the flight... .yet another reason I know my replacement will very soon be in the same situation I was in, only possibly worse, as she became briefly involved in the saga last week and I suspect currently feels smugly triumphant that he has 'chosen' her over me... .from experience observing friends' relationships, that seems to make women feel much more over-confident in the new relationship (I've never been in a "her or me!" situation myself).

So I fear she's heading for an even worse fall than I had... .I used to mind like hell, even just last week I did, but in recent days I now just feel great pity for her. His next cookie has been grabbed, and will now be chewed up and spat out... .

He has no real level of self-awareness. That's the huge difference between "them" and "us" I think. We have the opportunity to see that we need to change how we relate to others and take steps, with therapy, to make those changes... .they cannot see that, if undiagnosed and untreated, and even if diagnosed and in treatment, how do you get a four year old to understand that kind of complex abstract thought process?

[Century2012]

Thanks Olio ... .I so want to be where you are. I am having a problem getting out and about. Does everything have to remind me of him? The house where we used to live. (Don't drive down that street anymore.) The market where we shopped. The park where we walked. The ... .blah, blah, blah. You get it! I was doing so well, then I had a business appointment near a hotel where we stayed for a "couples weekend." I am so full of anger and hate right now. Why does he get to be all happy and married (after only 4 months of our b/u) and I am still processing the hurt!

[rollercoaster24]

Hey Century2012

Dont worry, he wont be happy for long, and neither will his new source of supply! His true colours will come out with her too, and lets hope she isn't as patient as you were, and kicks his butt to the kerb as soon as he shows her who he really is.

I do understand how you are feeling, and totally get that, as I too have moments of doubt/extreme hurt about the whole thing.

But then, I realise how it was when I became involved with him, and how he managed to trick me for so long, I was ignoring those red flags the whole time, whilst also being fobbed off by his admittances that he needed help and would eventually seek it. You guessed it, he never did, and likely never will.

But, the day will come, when he is too old and unattractive to 'pick up' any longer, his magnetism will wear off with the inevitable decline of aging, and then he will be alone with himself. I hope he drowns in it.

As for me? I am grieving still, but accepting of that, enjoying not having a man in my life yet again, and certainly not in a hurry to find another, (so totally over it all right now). Being 45 helps a lot too I believe!

uEX BP is 46 by the way... .

I have passed through the worst of the self doubt stage, and moving into enjoying life again, single and unattached, with time to do all those things I couldn't do whilst being caught up in the whirlwind of drama he created in my life. My wish is that he will never get the chance to do to any more women what he has done to me, and I often send out those thoughts of karma to him. This probably isnt good, but it comes from a good place, so I don't feel bad about it.

I am certainly not going to wish him good thoughts and lovely energies about his finding true love/peace, it would be a waste of time, because both spiritually and emotionally he is unable to be reached... .it would in fact be a waste of positive energy by the universe... you cannot will good thoughts upon evil personified.

All this began with the man telling me he was the Devil... .So can you blame me? Cause I saw the Devil many times, and it was utterly horrifying I can tell you...

God bless us and protect us

Roller

[Oliolioxenfree]

I am so full of anger and hate right now. Why does he get to be all happy and married (after only 4 months of our b/u) and I am still processing the hurt!

This disorder facilitates that behavior.  Read the boards and you’ll find many similar stories, you are not alone in this and you will see, that this is the behavior over and over again.  After My breakup I came here and was shocked at how similar our stories all were. 

And no, he is not happy.  On the surface maybe... .  Either way anyone who gets married 4 months after a major breakup is  clearly not ready for a new relationship thats for sure.  And thats true for people who are not even disordered.  People who rebound so fat simply TRANSFER their feelings from one relationship to the next and learn absolutely nothing.  They do not process the end of their relationships, they do not learn... they transfer and hit the reset button thinking this time they’ll start fresh and it cant be their problem because someone new is ready and willing to be in a relationship with them (THEY MAY BE JUST AS WHACKED).  They shift blame.     

Additionally, if you were involved in a very serious relationship, of course hell jump right in and want to pick up from the same spot with his new person back to what is comfortable... hence the instamarriage.   But know this.  He will erode that relationship from the inside out just as he did every other relationship in his past. He is not better for her.  All outward appearances may indicate otherwise, but I can assure you it’s a mask. Because people don’t change in 4 months. 


He may be married and have moved on but what he does now has no power over you.  His actions affect her, his disorder affects her.  His poor behavior si going to affect her. Be thankful you dodged a major bullet, because this will only end in tears for the new woman.  That I promise.

You are now Free.

Be strong.  Youll get there. 

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I am so full of anger and hate right now. Why does he get to be all happy and married (after only 4 months of our b/u) and I am still processing the hurt!

Tell you something else... .chances of that high-speed marriage being happy? Well, you know, as Olio said, he's transferred on rather than started anew, so his feelings are pretty mangled.

But his new wife? Well, to be blunt, any woman who marries someone that fast - ok, it does happen healthily, but it's rare. Chances are pretty High, I would say, that she's pretty dysfunctional also, in some way.

So does he really gt to be "all happy and married"? I'd say he's married, but... .