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Author Topic: You don't want them back, but you miss them.  (Read 1126 times)
Century2012
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« on: October 05, 2013, 12:48:34 PM »

I left my exBPD because I do stand up for myself and refused to walk on eggshells. At the time I thought it was his drinking and the distorted thinking of an alcoholic. Now I understand that the substance abuse was fueled by the BPD.

My on again/off again "missing him" feelings confuse me. I have been comfortable leaving relationships in the past when I realized they weren't what I needed or wanted. I left him/threw him out on more than one occasion. The last time I drove away. With tears in my eyes. (He partied like a rock star and went through $1200 in two days!)

The other times I did not care. Was cold as stone. Maybe the last time, and I do mean the LAST time, hurt so badly was because he was so "high" on his first big paycheck, he just didn't "need me" anymore. Or maybe when we had the "closure" conversation a week later, it was logical. BPD or no BPD, we are just too "different."

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DragoN
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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2013, 02:31:14 PM »

Understand this , cold as stone, is the hurt and anger at the surface, deeper below, if you love/d them is something else that doesn't quite burn out in an explosion the way it does for the BPD. Love/ Hate in a split second twist of some warped thought or misconstrued communication.

In a normal r/s there is closure , an understanding of how and why the two are not compatible or have different goals or what have you. BPD, devalue and discard. Or they devalue you to the point that you simply leave to honor your own sense of self worth.

Perhaps in some part, it is lack of closure?

Excerpt
You don't want them back, but you miss them.

I miss the man I fell in love with, but who he really is? I don't want back.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2013, 02:37:16 PM »

You miss the person they were... .

In idealization... .

Which only lasted... .

From point A... .

To point B.

Then the other side surfaces.

In devaluation... .

That other personality... .

And you come to realize... .

This is who they are too.

Two contrasting personalities... .

And you have feelings... .

Deep intense feelings... .

For this person... .

Who in reality... .

Is 2 separate people... .

Intertwined... .

The bringer of joy... .

The bringer of sadness... .

Which ultimately... .

Culminates... .

Into the depositor... .

Of pain.

On the person closest to them.

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DragoN
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« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2013, 02:48:31 PM »

It's as you wrote, the closer to the core you get, the more erratic the behavior and the defense/denial mechanisms.  Push/ pull and the entire amusement park of BPD behaviors is unleashed. Gas lighting, twisted thinking, stone walling, the usual.
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Century2012
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2013, 02:54:15 PM »

Sabratha ... .I love the amusement park reference. I love roller coasters. At the amusement park. NOT in my love life.

Iron Man ... .yep, two different people. Two very different people. Perhaps the "clinging" (in one's heart) after the relationship has ended involves not so much that we feel duped. But, that we are so angry that they are not the person we thought they were. They burst our bubble. The bubble they created.
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DragoN
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2013, 03:00:33 PM »

But, that we are so angry that they are not the person we thought they were. They burst our bubble. The bubble they created.

Good way to describe it. And the bubble exists because one holds the wand with the soapy mix and the other blows air into it. At some point the non is culpable as well. When did we choose to deny the obvious? And why?

BPD being the master Gas lighters, let's suggest that they are blowing the bubble, the next question: Why do we hold the wand?


it's a trick question
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Century2012
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2013, 03:07:12 PM »

You are SO RIGHT! SO RIGHT! I did not want the 'fairy dust' to go away. The bubbles are magical. We want the bubbles to be real. Because the "real world" is harsh and real and filled with homeless people, lost jobs, divorced parents, an ailing parent.
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Century2012
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2013, 03:09:14 PM »

It's the Wizard of  Oz.
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DragoN
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2013, 03:31:33 PM »

Excerpt
'It's not your fault. We all want to be loved and adored. But until someone loves themselves, they can't truly love someone else."

Pretty much sums it up.^^^ At the core of BPD is self hatred, fear, shane and complete utter lack of acceptance of the Self. And to deny that their is a Self there seems to exist an entire plethora of smoke screens and mirrors from which the wounded child peeks through.

Because they feel so fundamentally flawed and worthless, they cannot accept to be loved, because that would make it obvious that there is something wrong with the other that loves them. How to possibly love a person as disgusting and vile as themselves? it's not true, but it's what they feel and Feelings = Facts

It's the Hydra head of shame and every ignorant nasty thing they do to another piles more shame on their heads, and then they erect fancy denials, Gas lighting, lying and you name it to deflect it. Project it left right and center, anywhere but be held accountable for it.

Unfortunately, many of the behavioral traits and mechanisms utilized by BPD are similar across the Cluster B's, it's a question of degree.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2013, 03:57:20 PM »

Your initial post, and your followup about fairy dust just hit the nail on the head.

It makes no sense to me - how can I miss her, yet not want her back?

Truth is, I don't miss HER, I miss who I thought she was and I miss what I thought we had.

I miss the innocence and happiness I had then, the naivety, and my unwavering belief that I'd finally found happiness.

That is what I miss!

So - do you REALLY miss her, or do you miss the same things I do? x
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Century2012
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« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2013, 04:21:02 PM »

Sabratha, you are so wise. He would do things. And I would call him out on it. He would feel so ashamed. Because he knows normal people would not have done that in the first place. Example: He decided to invite a homeless person into the condo (while I was at the store) to take a shower. The homeless person stole some liquor. My room mate had to kick them out! He was so ashamed he refused to come to the front entrance ever again. The cycle.

He lost a $750,000 baseball contract with Milwaukee (back when he was 18) because he screwed up. He states it like an inconsequential fact. It was self sabotage.

Sorry, have to go off line for a second. The nutz rebound girl just texted me a photo of him.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2013, 04:53:37 PM »

I don't want him back - we are not compatible, I deserve better.

Missing him was only my distorted thoughts/feelings keeping the fantasy of what I thought it was alive.

Once I faced the facts of what it actually was and why I stayed - I detached

Never been more content and happier



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Jbt857
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« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2013, 05:05:21 PM »

I massively identify with this.

He was my husband, we were together almost 10 years. I ended it, and felt a huge sense of relief not to be walking on eggshells and to be free of the games. Intellectually, I know I deserve better.

I don't miss the abuse, the demeaning, the negativity, the blame. I miss the vulnerable guy I fell in love with, who, of course, in reality was nothing more than a reflection of myself. I came crashing down about 4months after he left. He pulled me close again and then told me he'd met someone else. That was a reality check. I thought I'd grieved the end of our marriage but I found myself grieving it all over again.

Right now, when I'm awake I'm fine, but I have nightmares about him. All the time.

My emotions want the good bits of our marriage back desperately. My rational mind knows better. I'm just waiting for the two to sync.

Stay strong.
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Century2012
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« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2013, 06:22:25 PM »

I think what we all have to look at this ... .why did this happen in our lives? Being vulnerable to love does not make us damaged. Nor does wanting the fairy dust make us weak.

I don't know you, but I do know me. I am a sweet Pisces/Neptune. (With all do respect to folks who are not in to astrology.) But that desire to return to the garden is in us all, regardless of our tempermant.

BPDs are just so NEEDING for their needs to be fulfilled, that they play the role.

And, no, I do not think they manipulatively do that to us. They "only about them" is true. They did not think about us long enough to be manipulative.
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2013, 07:11:19 PM »

I think what we all have to look at this ... .why did this happen in our lives? Being vulnerable to love does not make us damaged. Nor does wanting the fairy dust make us weak.

I don't know you, but I do know me. I am a sweet Pisces/Neptune. (With all do respect to folks who are not in to astrology.) But that desire to return to the garden is in us all, regardless of our tempermant.

BPDs are just so NEEDING for their needs to be fulfilled, that they play the role.

And, no, I do not think they manipulatively do that to us. They "only about them" is true. They did not think about us long enough to be manipulative.

I would suggest you think long and hard about this sentence. 

Something to start you on the way... .

You say that pwBPD BADLY require their needs fulfilled, so they play the role that gets the fulfilled... .How are we, as NON's, so different?

Anyone and everyone could run across a pwBPD in their life.  Most everyone (save for those with REALLY good radar) might be drawn to them and start a relationship with them.  But only those with a major NEED of their own will stay in an abusive relationship that is void of respect and trust, with someone who does not know the first thing about loyalty, integrity, or honor. 
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2013, 07:53:58 PM »

I can so relate to this.  I don't want him back.  But WOW I miss him.  It's all so hard.
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DragoN
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« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2013, 10:43:31 PM »

Excerpt
Once I faced the facts of what it actually was and why I stayed - I detached

Took me years to get to that point as a result of my own desire to "get through" to him. No luck. Complete failure.

Excerpt
Anyone and everyone could run across a pwBPD in their life.  Most everyone (save for those with REALLY good radar) might be drawn to them and start a relationship with them. But only those with a major NEED of their own will stay in an abusive relationship that is void of respect and trust, with someone who does not know the first thing about loyalty, integrity, or honor. 

Not necessarily. That's a bit of a black and white statement or not? The mask and the mirrors are really quite good. Draws one in. Not all BPD are erratic from the get go. It shows it's ugly face after the hooks are firmly planted. Marriage? Children? Financially locked down? Isolation?

Doesn't happen over night. The Real Self doesn't greet you in the first weeks or months. That comes much later.

I knew NOthing about PD's or mental illness when I met my SO. Naive. No clue.

One I know, was diagnosed BPD and a severe case, had mellowed out, but still, she left a wake of chaos behind her. Carefully she crafted / controlled who knew whom.[ her mother was/is a psychiatrist  ]The full story was not to be had from her. Nice person, waify, but costly. She was the one to tell me SO would not ever change as he saw no problem with his way of treating me. And, she was right.
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2013, 10:49:14 PM »

Excerpt
Once I faced the facts of what it actually was and why I stayed - I detached

Took me years to get to that point as a result of my own desire to "get through" to him. No luck. Complete failure.

Excerpt
Anyone and everyone could run across a pwBPD in their life.  Most everyone (save for those with REALLY good radar) might be drawn to them and start a relationship with them. But only those with a major NEED of their own will stay in an abusive relationship that is void of respect and trust, with someone who does not know the first thing about loyalty, integrity, or honor. 

Not necessarily. That's a bit of a black and white statement or not? The mask and the mirrors are really quite good. Draws one in. Not all BPD are erratic from the get go. It shows it's ugly face after the hooks are firmly planted. Marriage? Children? Financially locked down? Isolation?

Doesn't happen over night. The Real Self doesn't greet you in the first weeks or months. That comes much later.

I knew NOthing about PD's or mental illness when I met my SO. Naive. No clue.

One I know, was diagnosed BPD and a severe case, had mellowed out, but still, she left a wake of chaos behind her. Carefully she crafted / controlled who knew whom.[ her mother was/is a psychiatrist  ]The full story was not to be had from her. Nice person, waify, but costly. She was the one to tell me SO would not ever change as he saw no problem with his way of treating me. And, she was right.

In bold.

The real self... .?

You mean the other side... .

The 2 personalities/sides... .

Are the BPD.

Both.

They both exist... .

Within the BPD.

That is the real self... .

2 in 1.
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DragoN
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« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2013, 11:19:13 PM »

Excerpt
In bold.

The real self... .?

You mean the other side... .

The 2 personalities/sides... .

Are the BPD.

Both.

They both exist... .

Within the BPD.

That is the real self... .

2 in 1.

Yes, and it's almost as though the walls of denial protect their core from the awareness of themselves... .very strange. While at the same time being intensely emotional and able to read others with incredible accuracy. Hence the Masks for each and every occasion.

It's a cruel illness. But, not one for which there is no hope. It's up to them.
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