Why I suspect they ARE "better off" after us

[peas]

All us "nons" have that nagging feeling our BPD exes have it better than us when they leave our lives. I think our instincts are generally correct. We kind of do have it worse.   

I came across an article about betrayal in the Oct 5 NYT online and I think it gets to the general cognitive upheaval that leads to us possibly feeling worse than our pwBPD after some destructive act on their part. I won't attempt to share the link because it may violate board policy, but Cornell psychiatrist Ana Fels writes about the corrosive effects of betrayal and how those feelings may linger much longer for the betrayed than the negative feelings the betrayer/liar may feel about being dishonest.

It's about the betrayer having the upper hand by virtue of being in control of the narrative and having a shot at redemption while the transgressed is left victimized. 

Here is an excerpt:

Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.

... .But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.

Insidiously, the new information disrupts their sense of their own past, undermining the veracity of their personal history. Like a computer file corrupted by a virus, their life narrative has been invaded. Memories are now suspect: what was really going on that day? Why did the spouse suddenly buy a second phone “for work” several years ago? Did a friend know the truth even as they vacationed together? Compulsively going over past events in light of their recently acquired (and unwelcome) knowledge, such patients struggle to integrate the new version of reality.

One caveat with BPD relationships is they are so transparent we usually see the red flags a mile away. They don't hide their rages and feelings. They may lead us on with illusions that at the time they, and us, believe, then suddenly change their mind, and it's not like they spring it on us after years of seemingly stable, normal behavior that they have hidden something big (or maybe they do, but I'm speaking generally). Also, left untreated, pwBPD will continue to make the same bad choices because they do not always look within for meaningful change.

[myself]

Also, left untreated, pwBPD PEOPLE will continue to make the same bad choices because they do not always look within for meaningful change.

Interesting ideas you posted, makes a lot of sense. I think it also helps them get over it by feeling they got away with something. After awhile, the rush of the experience fades, whereas for those betrayed, it can be a much deeper process to work through.

I altered the quote above to include those of us who have been betrayed. We find ourselves in the same unchanging situations when we ourselves do not change our own behaviors, responses, and so on. If WE change, it can be better for US afterward.

[Octoberfest]

Peas-

The way I have read your post, you have almost dis proven your own argument.

The critical piece in the argument is that the people who have cheated and lied can see that and then make different, better choices, thus improving their own narrative. As you mentioned in your last paragraph, pwBPD CANNOT do this.  They simply are not capable of it. 

The definition of personality disorder:

a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.

There is a reason terms like "deeply ingrained" and long-term difficulties" are used... .pwBPD have a much harder time learning from their "mistakes"... .It is hard for them to even see their actions as their mistakes.  It is the other persons fault.  That is just how far down the rabbits hole these people are... .You can't fix a problem if you don't believe you have one.  They cheat on you... .you deserved it. You did xyz. 

If you were dealing with a "healthy" person who cheated? Maybe they would be better off.  But in a BPD relationship/the aftermath, the NON can learn and understand what happened, and avoid the same trap next time.  The pwBPD is going to make the same mistakes over and over again.  I would say that overall, in the long run, I am going to when if you were to compare my BPDex and I.

[Ironmanrises]

Peas-

The way I have read your post, you have almost dis proven your own argument.

The critical piece in the argument is that the people who have cheated and lied can see that and then make different, better choices, thus improving their own narrative. As you mentioned in your last paragraph, pwBPD CANNOT do this.  They simply are not capable of it. 

The definition of personality disorder:

a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.

There is a reason terms like "deeply ingrained" and long-term difficulties" are used... .pwBPD have a much harder time learning from their "mistakes"... .It is hard for them to even see their actions as their mistakes.  It is the other persons fault.  That is just how far down the rabbits hole these people are... .You can't fix a problem if you don't believe you have one.  They cheat on you... .you deserved it. You did xyz. 

If you were dealing with a "healthy" person who cheated? Maybe they would be better off.  But in a BPD relationship/the aftermath, the NON can learn and understand what happened, and avoid the same trap next time.  The pwBPD is going to make the same mistakes over and over again.  I would say that overall, in the long run, I am going to when if you were to compare my BPDex and I.

In bold.

Spot on October. 

Peas,

I can see where that makes sense... .

To an extent.

They have it better then us... .

Only in appearance.

Their disorder is still present.

[Emelie Emelie]

I think what Peas is saying is they have it better in the aftermath of the break up.  And I agree with her.  It's about this:

It's about the betrayer having the upper hand by virtue of being in control of the narrative and having a shot at redemption while the transgressed is left victimized. 

[Octoberfest]

I think what Peas is saying is they have it better in the aftermath of the break up.  And I agree with her.  It's about this:

It's about the betrayer having the upper hand by virtue of being in control of the narrative and having a shot at redemption while the transgressed is left victimized. 

The only way they have it better in the aftermath of the break up is that they often times jump incredibly quickly into a new relationship, so they have someone new to use as a bandaid for the wound while we Non's grieve and hurt like healthy(er) people do. If you look closely though you will find that there are MANY bandaids laid over top of one another. So do they have it better because they aren't feeling the pain in the immediate aftermath? OK, sure.  Running from relationship to relationship and town to town because you are such a mess that you can't hold an adult, respectful, honest relationship together doesn't seem like being "better off" to me. They might hurt less, but that is because they do not have the emotional capability to hurt like they should in the aftermath of certain events. Not winning in my book.

Also,

What shot at redemption do pwBPD REALLY have?  Years of intensive therapy and rewiring the very way that they see and understand the world and the people that populate it.  Unfortunately, in many cases, a snowballs chance in hell. And for those who CAN do it, like I said, the path is an extremely long one riddled with adversity and challenges.  It means confronting all of the wrong that they have done to others... .My BPDex? I don't know that she can ever truly confront all of her demons.  I believe she continues to run (even after being in therapy for over a year) because doing so would be the end of her. 

I guess the title of this thread evokes a different thought than perhaps intended.  When the statement is "They are better off after us", I read that as the case is being made that, after treating us poorly and abusing us, they go off and are happier, healthier, and their lives full of sunshine without us in them... .I.e. we were the issue, not them or their personality disorder.  I think it is pretty plain to see that isn't the case.  I think a more appropriate title for this discussion may be "Why I suspect they hurt less about the breakup/aftermath", no?

[peas]

Emelie pulled out the part I was getting at: It's harder for us because we are left with a distorted reality when we are betrayed, while the betrayer all along knows what is happening because they are causing it. They are in control.

As the article states, when we are transgressed, our sense of our own past is disrupted, which undermines the truth of our experiences. This is a formula for pain. 

[musicfan42]

I don't mean to be harsh but seriously, who cares whether pwBPD are better off than us or not?   I agree with you peas that borderlines have it better in the aftermath of a break-up but at the same time, I think it's more constructive to focus on ourselves and our own well-being now. There have been times when I've vented about my BPD ex here and it's been great to get it out of my system but at the same time, I've been thinking the whole time that I need to work on my rescuer issues... that he is not the only person I've tried to rescue. I can get stuck focusing on the other person's faults instead of thinking about my own life and what I need to do in it.

[Numbers]

Musicfan, I care because I hurt. But I know it is pointless and it will pass, just as it did for you. At one point, this agony will just fade into irrelevance. It's just that at this time I feel like mortally wounded animal in death throes.

On the OP, I am of the mind that yes, they are in this context better off and quoted arguments describe my ex's current state quite well. She got rid of triggering influence (me) and seems to be in high heaven. Now, we are suggested to rationalize that it is all a facade, and that there is a world of hurt underneath.

But is it really? Especially in case of high-functioning and strongly enabled ones. We know about chaotic mood changes, but in all reality, yes, she may be frequently down, but that again she has sources to get herself back up fast. She carefully constructed and nurtured a huge support system that keeps her in constant validation and/or victim state. In short, she gets her way and though it might not be the 'normal' way, she is still getting it, i.e. she is satisfying her needs. So, I got separation grief as reward for enduring abuse and she gets fun and recognition for using me to further her own agenda? Yeah, my fault for staying, but if you ask me who is better of, it is definitely her. I might at one point in time get a fulfilling relationship because of lessons learned, but then again I might not, while she can just keep going her merry way.

[musicfan42]

Musicfan, I care because I hurt. But I know it is pointless and it will pass, just as it did for you. At one point, this agony will just fade into irrelevance. It's just that at this time I feel like mortally wounded animal in death throes.

Sure-I can see your point... of course I can. I knew that I would receive backlash for my opinion however I think it's important to voice it at the same time. Any time I focus on my BPD ex and why he did this/that, it's like I fall into quick sand... it makes me feel depressed... stuck... like I can't get up. So it's just not something that I do 99% of the time-I need to set that boundary with myself in order to protect myself. I have had depressive episodes so it would be very easy for me to get depressed over a relationship breakup-unbelievably easy but I just don't want to go there anymore. I'm making a conscious choice not to go there-to see the light even when it's hard because in the past, I've tortured myself needlessly over people... well not anymore!

[DragoN]

But for the people who have been lied to, something more pervasive and disturbing occurs. They castigate themselves about why they didn’t suspect what was going on. The emotions they feel, while seemingly more benign than those of the perpetrator, may in the long run be more corrosive: humiliation, embarrassment, a sense of having been naïve or blind, alienation from those who knew the truth all along and, worst of all, bitterness.

It is/ was perhaps my own stupidity to believe that I should be able to trust the one I love and claimed to love me. Finding out that such was not the case? Not good.

[Reg]

Hi,

I largely agree with Octoberfest.

But here's my two cents, we're talking here in few cases as if everybody with borderline is having the same behavior, and as if they are all the same. That is not, If I'm not mistaken there are at least over 150 variants of people with the personality disorder.  

I know many of us are still recovering at one point of another, so this may be hard to understand what I'm saying, but give it a thought.  It may actually even help !

I know many of us have been cheated on, I was in the same situation, and I remember my own anger on the matter and how hurt I was.  I'm not planning on forgetting about that, but I've forgiven already several months ago as I understand borderline better and better.

Although I can agree on the matter, that they feel better on the moment they have cheated us, this is only a very small moment.  But let's look a bit deeper on the matter, shall we ?  And that's what makes us a lot better off then they are.  We can look at our own issues, why we allowed things to happen, learn from this if we want to, and carry on.  I agree, it can take a long time, to free one's self from the toxity but we have a choice, no matter what.

Someone with BPD has no choice.  Remind yourself of that.  BPD comes from the roots of childhood.  That is in most cases a long to a very long time ago !

Just be honest with yourself and look at one of you behaviors you are not proud of, that you would like to manage better.  From drinking or smoking, to impulsive reactions just to name something.  And how hard it can be to change that.  And that didn't all start in your childhood did it ?    And if some things did, well that may be one or two things, not our complete emotional life.

Probably the reason why the denial with someone with BPD is so strong.  It is what they have been doing all of their live, it is normal to them, though it isn't at all.

But are they happier ?  Why do they cheat ?  Because they are certain you will abandon them, that is the core reason, everybody has so why would you be different when you think about your own person as a low life ?   Not feeling worthy of anyone ?  Thinking everybody will abandon you over and over again ?

Those borderlines who use cheating to feel better, will only experience this for a little while.  

From my own experiences : Mine cheated and got in a lot of trouble, her life didn't get any better. Things got much worse and more complicated.  Lot's of stress, crying, fears, which she projected of course back on my person.

She may have cheated on me again in the last days of our relationship before I ended things, and most certainly was in bed with that person in the 10 days to come after the break up.  She ended up with an alcoholic who has BPD... .!  Recycles come and go, and she probably has cheated on that person also.  Our break up is 9 months old.  :)id she end up better ?  No.  She has been seriously verbally abused, is having problems with alcohol herself, her fears of abandonment are even worse.  Things didn't get better, they only got worse, and caused more and more trauma again... .

So is she the one who's better off ?  Perhaps for a few weeks or months.  The problem is that many of us look at social networks where they present their lives so much better.  :)o you actually believe that ?  It was all smoke and mirrors with us, and that is not going to change !

Honestly ?  I feel for my ex ! You know why ? Because she had someone who was supportive, giving her validation, caring for her, raising her self confidence, and she has lost all of that for the rest of her life now.  Why ?  Because her borderline behavior has destroyed all of my positive behavior as I didn't know what I was coping with at the time.  

All of her previous relations have been physically and or sexually abusive.  If, and I do say if, she spoke even only partially the truth about that, I was the first one who actually treated her as a human being, untill I added trauma to her because I did not accept her behavior anymore, and trauma to myself for letting her recycle me.  Even her own family told me that I was taking a lot more responsability for her daughter than the father.  She has lost all of that.  Even if she would find anyone again who wants nothing than the best for her, she will loose it all again due to her own behavior.

But now she ended up between other BPD's and they are destroying eachothers life behind believe.  That's the curse of borderline.

So I ask you, when we forget about the few weeks or months that they feel better by cheating upon us and jumping on the next relationship, who is actually in the best situation ?

I agree with musicfan partially, concentrate on your own issues.  On the other hand I have a lot of empathy for someone with borderline.  But we will not change them or save them.  Change comes from within, if you are a borderline or not... .

Borderline is hell for everybody, but in the end they stay in hell if they don't get and want help, often for the rest of their lives.  And it is another hell to be able to recover from it, if it already works out fine... .

It is hell for many of us to recover from such a relationship as well.  I know.  But if we understand ourselves, this will happen only once, not over and over again  

In the end we are all victims of the borderline.  The person who has it, and the persons who are confronted with the behavior.

[houseofswans]

Honestly ?  I feel for my ex ! You know why ? Because she had someone who was supportive, giving her validation, caring for her, raising her self confidence, and she has lost all of that for the rest of her life now.  Why ?  Because her borderline behavior has destroyed all of my positive behavior as I didn't know what I was coping with at the time.

Well said, Reg. That was exactly my situation 

[GreenMango]

" Why I suspect we are "better off" after them"

Can we start there?

[Learning_curve74]

Here is an excerpt:

Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.

The part in red is why this research does NOT apply to pwBPD. pwBPD do not have an intact sense of the narrative of their life -- they literally cannot connect the dots of their life and figure it out. It's like they're a small boat at the mercy of a stormy sea that just tosses them around. This was detailed in the research article that UmbrellaBoy posted a while ago Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in BPD.

pwBPD do not have a sense of authorship over the narrative of their life. That is why they are so resistant to therapy and change. Nons are challenged trying to understand this because many of us see pwBPD as manipulative thinking that they are in control. In truth, these are simply maladaptive behaviors that are now ingrained like a parrot that asks repeatedly for a cracker when they see you. The parrot is not thinking, they are only triggered by seeing you. And we can choose to ignore the annoying parrot. 

"Now they can make new, better choices."    NO. They make the same crappy choices again and again, that's why they are insane = doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result.

Is it okay for us to feel victimized? Yes. It is the way we feel in the moment. We are different from the betrayed in the article because most of us likely saw red flags and ignored them. We also have the chance to make new and better choices. We can grow beyond feeling victimized.

[Reg]

GreenMango,

Exactly my point !  We must more focuss on ourselves.  Own issues.

Look for the positive in the negative we have experienced.  Also personal growth.  I know it can be difficult in the early stages after a breakup, but it is where it should take us all and what I hope for everybody on this forum.  

Even for the ones who suffer from borderline.  I hope that one day they will reach out for help.  They deserve it, as a human being, to find happiness.  Just as we all do.  

Accept that borderline is not them, it is not us.  It is borderline.  They can't help it.  They are not to blame. Once you can do that, your personal growth is happening !  It takes time... .


Learning curve, well said ! That is often forgotten.

If I'm wrong, please tell me !

I hope we may all grow ! And learn.

[Octoberfest]

GreenMango,

Exactly my point !  We must more focuss on ourselves.  Own issues.

Look for the positive in the negative we have experienced.  Also personal growth.  I know it can be difficult in the early stages after a breakup, but it is where it should take us all and what I hope for everybody on this forum.  

Even for the ones who suffer from borderline.  I hope that one day they will reach out for help.  They deserve it, as a human being, to find happiness.  Just as we all do.  

Accept that borderline is not them, it is not us.  It is borderline.  They can't help it.  They are not to blame. Once you can do that, your personal growth is happening !  It takes time... .


Learning curve, well said ! That is often forgotten.

If I'm wrong, please tell me !

I hope we may all grow ! And learn.

I will disagree here. Borderline is VERY MUCH them.  No, of course they did not ask for it.  It is the result of a complex interaction of nature and nurture. But I think it is easy to see it as though they are otherwise normal, happy people who caught an illness that makes them the way that they are- that is not true.  The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was created to describe traits/patterns that are FOUND within people.  It is a means to understand the behavior, to put a name to it- not the CAUSE of the behavior.  This is a CRITICAL distinction. I thought much along the lines as what you wrote above for the duration of my relationship... .I would tell people, " I see the scared, sweet girl underneath the ___tyness and the disorder, and I am trying to help her.  That is the person that I love".  The harsh reality is that the person I was talking about doesn't exist.  When it comes to pwBPD, there are not two distinct forces or two distinct people making up the whole. The behaviors and traits that have come to be classified as BPD are ingrained in them, it is WHO THEY ARE.  Which is exactly why it is so difficult to treat and see actual change- because they must change who they fundamentally are and how they see and understand  the world.  BPD is not like the flu where you get it, you see it, you treat it, and it goes away.  It is how they understand the world around them.  It is how they see interpersonal relationships.  It is their every day thoughts.  It is WHO THEY ARE.



So, are they to blame for having BPD? No.  But are they to blame for their actions and how they hurt people? Absolutely.  Blaming the Borderline is one of the bigger cop outs out there.  It excuses their actions... .but guess what, their actions are just that, THEIRS.

[Learning_curve74]

The behaviors and traits that have come to be classified as BPD are ingrained in them, it is WHO THEY ARE.  Which is exactly why it is so difficult to treat and see actual change- because they must change who they fundamentally are and how they see and understand  the world.  BPD is not like the flu where you get it, you see it, you treat it, and it goes away.  It is how they understand the world around them.  It is how they see interpersonal relationships.  It is their every day thoughts.  It is WHO THEY ARE.

Great point, Octoberfest. Also very much why they are NOT "better off". To believe so is to continue misleading ourselves about their true nature. What kept us in the unhealthy relationship can continue to hurt us afterwards. This is why it's so important to focus on ourselves rather than on them.

[peas]

My point of this post was to share information that describes why we might feel our exBPD's have it better when we break up, what we do with that info is up to each of us. It's not about giving the exes any more mental energy when they may not deserve it. This actually is focusing on us: How do we best repair that broken narrative our BPDex controlled? I feel like now I can work on this specifically with my therapist -- working on rebuilding my own narrative.

We make a lot of generalizations on these boards and perpetuate conventional wisdom, some of which I agree with and some I don't. It just seems a recurring theme during our healing is "we are worse off/they move on okay" and most of it is speculation or a reaction to our own low point and I found an article that possibly gets to the Why of this.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Peas

I found what you posted very interesting and useful.

From my own - now mercifully distant - experience - my take on it is this.

Yes. It is very important to realise that often in the wake of an interaction with/relationship with someone with BPD we suffer a sudden sense of loss of control if we go through the classic switch from idealisation to devaluation (however that manifests itself - ie whether infidelity is involved or not).

This means that the ex partner/person we interacted with appears to have suddenly and dramatically taken 'control' from us - and to be 'in charge' of the situation in a way that is damaging and invalidating to us.

While this is not literally true it is very important to acknowledge our own sudden sense of disorientation, vulnerability and powerlessness that springs from these circumstances.

It's good that you've identified this particular aspect of your experience to work on. I remember it as being very important for me too. And it was why a T was so vital for me. He was the only person who really 'got' why this feeling would be so strong in these particular circumstances. It was important to have it validated before it could be worked through.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[Turkish]

The behaviors and traits that have come to be classified as BPD are ingrained in them, it is WHO THEY ARE.  Which is exactly why it is so difficult to treat and see actual change- because they must change who they fundamentally are and how they see and understand  the world.  BPD is not like the flu where you get it, you see it, you treat it, and it goes away.  It is how they understand the world around them.  It is how they see interpersonal relationships.  It is their every day thoughts.  It is WHO THEY ARE.

Great point, Octoberfest. Also very much why they are NOT "better off". To believe so is to continue misleading ourselves about their true nature. What kept us in the unhealthy relationship can continue to hurt us afterwards. This is why it's so important to focus on ourselves rather than on them.

I know she won't be better off. The sad thing is that she knows it too. The man-child she has latched onto (8 years younger than her, I am 10 older than her, from daddy to little boy, would be funny if it didn't involve me) is a liar and a thief (of my family). Not enough of a man start his own family, he has to steal and latch onto someone else's.

Right now I feel like Young Goodman Brown, but am starting to move past that. I know more about her than anyone in the world. She knows that. She knows her pattern before me. I was the longest relationship she ever had, and I know will be the most "functional" or semi-functional one, and probably will ever have. She will never find another as patient and as kind as me. But the fact is that I put up with so much for so long... .maybe she will find another "rescuer." But she will never have her own kids with that man (since she chose to get fixed), so in reality, I was "it," and will be the most complete man/friend/lover/father (to our children) combination she will ever find.

[peas]

Thank you WWT!

I went to my therapist today and we had a productive session around the concept of betrayal and reclaiming my own the narrative. I started with the NYT article (that I used to start this board discussion) and by the end of the session we were able to trace much of the betrayal in my broken r/s. I had always felt a large sense of it, but it was lost in so many behaviors of me and my ex. Today she was able to help me make a lot of connections. I left the session feeling clearer than I have felt in a while.

[Octoberfest]

Thank you WWT!

I went to my therapist today and we had a productive session around the concept of betrayal and reclaiming my own the narrative. I started with the NYT article (that I used to start this board discussion) and by the end of the session we were able to trace much of the betrayal in my broken r/s. I had always felt a large sense of it, but it was lost in so many behaviors of me and my ex. Today she was able to help me make a lot of connections. I left the session feeling clearer than I have felt in a while.

I am very glad to hear this peas! 

I want to clear the air here a little maybe... .I had a therapy session much like the one you just described.  Maybe 2 or 3 of them.  A major part of the wound was the injustice and betrayal of it all.  It tore at my soul and caused me a lot of pain- in that way, I would agree, our BPDex's have it easier than us when it comes to the aftermath of them cheating.  Their remorse does not come close to the betrayal that we feel, because they have found ways to make it our fault.  I totally agree that we hurt a lot more over it than they do.

My argument focused more on the long run... .it may really really hurt us in the aftermath while they dance off with our replacement, but in the long run we can learn from what happened and avoid it in the future... .find ourselves and have healthier relationships.  They can't.  They will make the same mistakes.  So in that regard, no i don't think they are better off after us.

Hope this explains my perspective a little better

[cooper8675]

My 2 cents... .I'm very new here.

I know in my head I'm better off even though I am in pain and it shows. (Unfortunately my heart and head are not in the same state of knowledge... .for now.) We've been broken up for 5 minutes and he's been out dating having what seems to be a great time.  But I know him and I know that he's been trying to fill the void with other women for years including the years we were together. It is just a band aid and it won't last long... .nothing has changed and I know whoever he's with will have a similar experiences with him. I just hope that when and if he comes to find me again I'm in a strong enough place to remember that I am better off with out him and that I couldn't and can't fill the void or fix the pain he has to live with. I at the very least am no longer being cheated on, screamed at, lied too, or being told that something is orange when I can clearly see that it purple. 

[peas]

Thanks October. I understand where you are coming from. I agree, the pwBPD creates a life of obstacles and does not usually have the tools to remove them. I have followed your story on these boards and I get the sense you are getting stronger. I am 3.5 months post-b/u and I'm picking up the pieces. Much better standing than I was right after the b/u drama this summer.

[peas]

I at the very least am no longer being cheated on, screamed at, lied too, or being told that something is orange when I can clearly see that it purple.

Cooper, your time has come. It may not be what you want; like most of us, you probably fought tooth and nail to salvage your BPD r/s. But let the healing begin. 

[LivingLearning]

So i read a few of these posts, really helpful.

  One of the things that has helped me in the many times my ex broke up with me (I worked with her) and I'd see her laughing, or find out she was dating:

I'd ask myself "do I really, really think she's happier than me?". When I'd wait for the answer it was always no. Granted, I'm not some god so who am I to know for sure, but what I do know is that as soon as I felt that answer I'd relax.

  I'd occasionally wonder... .is that selfish? Would I not want her to be happy? And then I'd realize no, it's ok. It's not a value judgment, it's just me believing what I believe. And if she wasn't happier, wouldn't it be me helping hide that fact if I didn't listen to my gut. That beneath it all she had a sense of emptiness . Granted it may have been lies but she would confirm this when she returned.

  As I write this, it's funny, I realize how I still love her, and I don't want to be her partner despite that. I also am open to wondering if I ever really loved her, though I actually think I did, it was just layered with a lot of other stuff too.

[cooper8675]

Thanks peas.  A day and sometimes an hour at a time!

[Octoberfest]

Thanks October. I understand where you are coming from. I agree, the pwBPD creates a life of obstacles and does not usually have the tools to remove them. I have followed your story on these boards and I get the sense you are getting stronger. I am 3.5 months post-b/u and I'm picking up the pieces. Much better standing than I was right after the b/u drama this summer.

Funnily enough I am listening to Pandora and the song "A little bit stronger" by Sara Evans came on as I read your post. I highly suggest you check it out if you are not familiar with it.  You are right Peas... .I am getting a little bit stronger.  I have minor set backs, but there are days if not a week between them, instead of hours.  And nowhere near as severe.  Fighting the demons that I accumulated in my relationship with my BPDex was nearly the end of me.  It has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to do... .  But I am doing it, and I am winning.  It seems like such an impossible battle, especially I would imagine for those who married and created a life with their pwBPD... .My heart goes out to them, because I truly can't imagine what it would be like had I married or had children with my BPDex.  I am very lucky in many ways.  Lucky to be free.

This board is a blessing... .it is a light in the otherwise pick black night for so many. 

Every day I am a little bit stronger

[Oliolioxenfree]

Peas,

I agree that in the days, weeks, and months following a destructive breakup with a pwBPD things appear to be roses for them.  You are still mourning the relationship and they are on to a new journey with someone new flaunting it al over social media sites.  However, you'll see that no one who is emotionally healthy treats someone they profess to love  in such a careless , disrespectful way.  So that behavior in itself is indicative of being unhealthy, and knowing that alone should help you realize that until they change, they are doomed to repeat their mistakes with the next person.

To address your article where the one being betrayed suffers more immediately after, this may very well be true.  BPDs and people who are more suspect tend to bury their emotions and hide their feelings in a rebound or overlap.  Rebound is their middle name because it gives them a feeling of self worth again that they so crave.  In the long run though these relationships rarely if ever work out.  Why? because their very foundations are built on betrayal of one or both parties, and thats just for your normal everyday emotionally unavailable person.  As Ive said before, throw in BPD and the chances of change have dwindled significantly. 

In the short term they are better off as they have moved on and buried their feelings and gone on the rebound while you assess the damage they've left behind and question EVERYTHING.  however, the key is that when you found yourself questioning everything it led you here, which means you knew something was not right.  Knowing that you now have the opportunity to address the reasons that you may have ignored red flags, allowed yourself to be recycled, allowed poor behavior for so long and work on change within yourself.  Change is uncomfortable and breaking your habits and patterns is difficult, so yes, short term you will struggle.  But Long term, the benefits are huge.