What is it with BPD and the "Hey, how are you?" recycling ploy?

[DownandOut]

I have read many, many posts on these threads here and one of the many coincidences I notice from story to story is the phrase "How are you?" used by BPDs when they are trying to recycle. I used to get one of these every 3 months while I was attempting NC and it seems extremely odd to me (as does every other aspect of BPD) that a lot of them would use this particular phrase when trying to recycle. Does anyone think that this phrase is used for any particular purpose? Are we, as nons involved in BPD relationships, more susceptible to our ex-lovers' games because they ask how we are? Is it because we REALLY want to tell them how we are?

[Ironmanrises]

It is used to test the water... .

To probe... .

To see... .

If/how you will react... .

Before fully committing... .

Themselves... .

To... .

How they will... .

Once again... .

Proceed... .

To destroy you.

Any reply to such an attempt... .

Will only bring you pain.

[Turkish]

I have read many, many posts on these threads here and one of the many coincidences I notice from story to story is the phrase "How are you?" used by BPDs when they are trying to recycle. I used to get one of these every 3 months while I was attempting NC and it seems extremely odd to me (as does every other aspect of BPD) that a lot of them would use this particular phrase when trying to recycle. Does anyone think that this phrase is used for any particular purpose? Are we, as nons involved in BPD relationships, more susceptible to our ex-lovers' games because they ask how we are? Is it because we REALLY want to tell them how we are?

Mine, who's still in my house, keeps asking "so have you seen Dr.hit this week?" I have started saying no. End of conversation. Boundary that needs to keep being reinforced, even though I told her two weeks ago that our journeys were now separate and there will be no more talking about "us," or trying to figure out "why?" I know why!

To her, I'm the one who needs to be fixed. I found remnants of an email she had sent to her "boyfriend" three weeks ago talking about that she was happy I was continuing therapy as it was good for me. Even calling me by name, as if she were talking to him about one of her buddies, and I wasn't the father of our children and we were all still living in the same house, and I wasn't still providing for her. Yes, I need fixing, but from her! (and honestly, after I get past updating the Dr. on what's going on every week, continue my life story to figure out why I fell into the "rescuing a woman" thing again. Even if she was very mature and presentable, the signs were there in the beginning... .

Sorry to go on there a bit.

[myself]

It's so they can be seen to care, as if opening the door for you to speak your mind and share yourself. They don't really want to know, because it triggers them when we express our feelings. It's fishing to see if you still care about them, if they're still welcome in our lives. It's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.

What is the usual follow up when this question is asked? Does it seem like it even matters to them? They say it was all our fault we broke up, it's all on us to make things better now, to deal with our own problems (whether real or projected) so they don't bother the pwBPD, and on and on. It's a never ending cycle of blame pain and shame. How ARE we? It's in one ear and out the other. If they were capable of caring they would already know.

Ask them the same question. Do you ever feel you get an honest answer?

[turtle]

If you are No Contact, you don't have to worry about this question.

And if by some chance you are caught off guard and engage ... .the answer should be:  "it's no longer any of your business how I am."

turtle

[peas]

I didn't get a "how are you?", I would get "what's up?"

Once, after a 10-day NC where my ex broke up with me -- he actually yelled the words "I'm breaking up with you!" during a phone call -- I got a "What's up?" text and within minutes of that an e-mail saying how much he missed me.

I melted. Went back. Then two months later he broke up with me again, but we stayed broken up (going on 3.5 months).

[Turkish]

It's so they can be seen to care, as if opening the door for you to speak your mind and share yourself. They don't really want to know, because it triggers them when we express our feelings. It's fishing to see if you still care about them, if they're still welcome in our lives. It's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.

What is the usual follow up when this question is asked? Does it seem like it even matters to them? They say it was all our fault we broke up, it's all on us to make things better now, to deal with our own problems (whether real or projected) so they don't bother the pwBPD, and on and on. It's a never ending cycle of blame pain and shame. How ARE we? It's in one ear and out the other. If they were capable of caring they would already know.

Ask them the same question. Do you ever feel you get an honest answer?

I have actually gotten honest answers when I cornered her, and she admitted that on the outside she seemed fine, but inside she was a mess. But I already know that. The fact that she doesn't know I am, too (though nowhere near her extent), shows the lack of true empathy. I will never engage with my true feelings (again, my lack of communication is the problem), if only because I know she will turn them on me. I rarely felt honest communication was safe with her. Of course to her, that's my problem, and why this ended up the way it did.

I have yet to receive a real apology, and will wait for it until hell freezes over, or at least until the 9th Circle melts, the one where traitors lie forever trapped in ice.

[allweareisallweare]

They probably don't experience guilt in the same way normal, healthy emotionally-rational adults do - there must be surges of it, just like they'll be surges of ... .nostalgia, recollection,epiphany for us - I for one don't think sadness will come around again for me, why would it?

So when they do, the 'How are you' game begins since they feel that the something missing - the hole they caused - can only, somehow be closed if they return. They think they're powerful by doing that - until NC is kept and the 'how are you' goes unanswered  Because how am I has nothing to do with my ex. whether I was living on the streets or a millionaire now.

When I re-engage with a relationship is irrelevant to her (should be) because I will eventually... .

TBH I will never break the no-contact reversing it - I am so sanctimoniously smugly sure that her life has this limitations by BPD that I just know how they are, whether that's today, next year ... .the fall will come... .and so it begins on and on, no doubt.

Wow, every day a step further away, growing a little.

[leftbehind]

I never got "How are you?"  I got "Hope you're doing good!" and "I hope you have a lot of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  That's why I never responded.  Because he never once asked me how I was after breaking up with me, never said he missed me, never said he was sorry.  Just, "Hope you're doing good!"  Which proves to me that he's mentally fu**ing ill.

[hopealways]

It is used to test the water... .

To probe... .

To see... .

If/how you will react... .

Before fully committing... .

Themselves... .

To... .

How they will... .

Once again... .

Proceed... .

To destroy you.

Any reply to such an attempt... .

Will only bring you pain.

Bingo... .this is EXACTLY why they do it.  A sane person would not be testing any waters-they would write an apology, lay out what they did wrong, and propose how they will change.  The BPD throws out a crumb, like they always have, because they know they can reel you back in at any time. NO CONTACT is the only response.

[DownandOut]

It's so they can be seen to care, as if opening the door for you to speak your mind and share yourself. They don't really want to know, because it triggers them when we express our feelings. It's fishing to see if you still care about them, if they're still welcome in our lives. It's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.

What is the usual follow up when this question is asked? Does it seem like it even matters to them? They say it was all our fault we broke up, it's all on us to make things better now, to deal with our own problems (whether real or projected) so they don't bother the pwBPD, and on and on. It's a never ending cycle of blame pain and shame. How ARE we? It's in one ear and out the other. If they were capable of caring they would already know.

Ask them the same question. Do you ever feel you get an honest answer?

I have actually gotten honest answers when I cornered her, and she admitted that on the outside she seemed fine, but inside she was a mess. But I already know that. The fact that she doesn't know I am, too (though nowhere near her extent), shows the lack of true empathy. I will never engage with my true feelings (again, my lack of communication is the problem), if only because I know she will turn them on me. I rarely felt honest communication was safe with her. Of course to her, that's my problem, and why this ended up the way it did.

I have yet to receive a real apology, and will wait for it until hell freezes over, or at least until the 9th Circle melts, the one where traitors lie forever trapped in ice.

For the most part, I've also gotten honest answers, just not an honest attempt to get it together. My exBPDgf was absolutely conscious of the dysfunction that terrorizes her mind, body and spirit; however, when those overwhelming urges came she fell victim to them.

[DragoN]

It is used to test the water... .

To probe... .

To see... .

If/how you will react... .

Before fully committing... .

Themselves... .

To... .

How they will... .

Once again... .

Proceed... .

To destroy you.

Any reply to such an attempt... .

Will only bring you pain.

Bingo... .this is EXACTLY why they do it.  A sane person would not be testing any waters-they would write an apology, lay out what they did wrong, and propose how they will change.  The BPD throws out a crumb, like they always have, because they know they can reel you back in at any time. NO CONTACT is the only response.

"How are you?" an innocuous little "in" and I fell for it.

When I ask  the same question, I genuinely care and want to know. But then again, maybe I am a rescuer of rescuers? Co dependent whackness on some level?

Little off topic: Does anyone here think it's possible that a person could be so damaged by a BPD relationship that they may themselves begin to exhibit PD tendencies? And I ask that, while looking in the mirror of my own potential for having gone down the rabbit hole.

[triangleheart]

I got an email from my BPD ex a few weeks ago and didn't respond. I hadn't gotten around to cashing a check he sent me for money he owed me. I had been sick and was just crawling to work and back home for almost two weeks because I was so ill. He emailed asking if I was okay and if I'd gotten a chance to cash the check. I didn't respond because I prefer no contact and anyway, I'd get around to cashing the check when I got around to it. Being sick, it wasn't a priority to me.

A week later, I got a very "concerned" text asking if I was okay, why hadn't I cashed the check, and -- the kicker-- "please let me know if you're okay!"

Pfffft. All he cared about was why I never responded to his email. And the inquiry into whether or not I was okay was an invitation for me to pour my heart out about how sad/devastated/destroyed I was about him dumping me.

I just responded that I'd been sick. And that I'd cashed the check. And didn't his bank show it went through already?

I'm convinced that their inquisitive emails are just their way of getting us to open our hearts and feed their egos some more. Don't respond. They don't deserve any inside infomation about how we'e doing.

[mitchell16]

I used to get a text out of no where that said " i hope your doing well" or I hope you do well, im doing ok still sad but just trying to stay busy" this was always a fishing expedition to see if I was open to a recycle. in the first year or so this always worked. Because I woudl respond which always opened up more dialogue. Which resulted in me running back whehn she opended the door.

I have started seeing some light here lately. Its been two weeks since I saw her. Over a month since we was togther. I havent spoken to her in two weeks. I did get some fishing texts from her last week for a few days, which I ignored. I got one phone call from her sunday morinig which I didnt answer. I can say in starting feeling better. Im calmer, not as much obsessing. ive reached the state where Im sad. But once I stepped back, and started watching her behaviors, its BPD to a tee. The break up, the push away, 2 or 3 weeks of silence where she is having fun with her friends and whoever else. Then they have to go back to their lives and dont have time for her and then shes lonley and here she comes again. Gets me back, tells me all I want to hear, we recycle, honeymoon bliss and then happens all over again. It been that way for over two years.

But I am starting to feel better.

[peas]

I got "Hope you're doing good!" and "I hope you have a lot of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  That's why I never responded.  Because he never once asked me how I was after breaking up with me, never said he missed me, never said he was sorry.  Just, "Hope you're doing good!"  Which proves to me that he's mentally fu**ing ill.

I got that, too, LeftBehind. It was "What's up, hope things are going well in [your city]." Even though he didn't ask how I was or said he was sorry -- although he would say he missed me -- I know his messages meant that he wanted to know how I was doing. He just couldn't come straight out and ask it. His fishing expeditions always sent me back to him until the final breakup, again by him.

I won't even entertain the thought of him re-engaging now, 3.5 months after the b/u, because I am convinced he is done with me forever and it is wasted energy to expect it. Part of me wants to be in his life still, even as an acquaintance. But that's just me missing him. I still have not gotten to the healing point where I am at peace with the possibility of never seeing or talking to him again. 

[Ironmanrises]

I got "Hope you're doing good!" and "I hope you have a lot of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  That's why I never responded.  Because he never once asked me how I was after breaking up with me, never said he missed me, never said he was sorry.  Just, "Hope you're doing good!"  Which proves to me that he's mentally fu**ing ill.

I got that, too, LeftBehind. It was "What's up, hope things are going well in [your city]." Even though he didn't ask how I was or said he was sorry -- although he would say he missed me -- I know his messages meant that he wanted to know how I was doing. He just couldn't come straight out and ask it. His fishing expeditions always sent me back to him until the final breakup, again by him.

I won't even entertain the thought of him re-engaging now, 3.5 months after the b/u, because I am convinced he is done with me forever and it is wasted energy to expect it. Part of me wants to be in his life still, even as an acquaintance. But that's just me missing him. I still have not gotten to the healing point where I am at peace with the possibility of never seeing or talking to him again. 

In bold.

If he has re engaged you before... .

And succeeded in the attempt... .

Why do you believe he is done with you forever... .?

I ask... .

Because... .

Their behavior does not change.

They can say... .

The cycle stops here... .

I am done with you... .

And what not... .

But... .

If they have shown you before... .

That they have returned... .

And were allowed entry... .

They will repeat this... .

Again and again.

That is the disorder.

A pattern of behavior.

[DownandOut]

I used to get a text out of no where that said " i hope your doing well" or I hope you do well, im doing ok still sad but just trying to stay busy" this was always a fishing expedition to see if I was open to a recycle. in the first year or so this always worked. Because I woudl respond which always opened up more dialogue. Which resulted in me running back whehn she opended the door.

I have started seeing some light here lately. Its been two weeks since I saw her. Over a month since we was togther. I havent spoken to her in two weeks. I did get some fishing texts from her last week for a few days, which I ignored. I got one phone call from her sunday morinig which I didnt answer. I can say in starting feeling better. Im calmer, not as much obsessing. ive reached the state where Im sad. But once I stepped back, and started watching her behaviors, its BPD to a tee. The break up, the push away, 2 or 3 weeks of silence where she is having fun with her friends and whoever else. Then they have to go back to their lives and dont have time for her and then shes lonley and here she comes again. Gets me back, tells me all I want to hear, we recycle, honeymoon bliss and then happens all over again. It been that way for over two years.

But I am starting to feel better.

That was the last thing my exBPDgf said to me "Hope you're doing well." It's a joke, if they really cared about how we were doing they would just be honest and allow you to get the closure we all so want and need. Nothing. That's not their MO. If there is something they need from you they will jump back into your life whenever it works for them. It really is up to us whether or not we allow them back in.

[houseofswans]

And if by some chance you are caught off guard and engage ... .the answer should be:  "it's no longer any of your business how I am."

I'd love to be in a strong enough frame of mind to say that!

[Turkish]

I used to get a text out of no where that said " i hope your doing well" or I hope you do well, im doing ok still sad but just trying to stay busy" this was always a fishing expedition to see if I was open to a recycle. in the first year or so this always worked. Because I woudl respond which always opened up more dialogue. Which resulted in me running back whehn she opended the door.

I have started seeing some light here lately. Its been two weeks since I saw her. Over a month since we was togther. I havent spoken to her in two weeks. I did get some fishing texts from her last week for a few days, which I ignored. I got one phone call from her sunday morinig which I didnt answer. I can say in starting feeling better. Im calmer, not as much obsessing. ive reached the state where Im sad. But once I stepped back, and started watching her behaviors, its BPD to a tee. The break up, the push away, 2 or 3 weeks of silence where she is having fun with her friends and whoever else. Then they have to go back to their lives and dont have time for her and then shes lonley and here she comes again. Gets me back, tells me all I want to hear, we recycle, honeymoon bliss and then happens all over again. It been that way for over two years.

But I am starting to feel better.

That was the last thing my exBPDgf said to me "Hope you're doing well." It's a joke, if they really cared about how we were doing they would just be honest and allow you to get the closure we all so want and need. Nothing. That's not their MO. If there is something they need from you they will jump back into your life whenever it works for them. It really is up to us whether or not we allow them back in.

We were at her parents' house for dinner the other night. I told her again about wanting to go out of town with our son for my upcoming birthday. She joked, "So it's ok to throw you a surprise party?" I gave her a serious look, and said, "that's just NOT funny."

[turtle]

And if by some chance you are caught off guard and engage ... .the answer should be:  "it's no longer any of your business how I am."

I'd love to be in a strong enough frame of mind to say that!

houseofswans --- the day WILL come when you will say exactly that -- and you will mean it!

It won't be something you say to be rude or punitive -- it is just a fact -- and you will state it as such!

turtle

[sadinnc98]

It is used to test the water... .

To probe... .

To see... .

If/how you will react... .

Before fully committing... .

Themselves... .

To... .

How they will... .

Once again... .

Proceed... .

To destroy you.

Any reply to such an attempt... .

Will only bring you pain.

This is all exactly right and how my PWBPD starts back out with testing the waters... .