Ruminating the "Good" Times

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had a realization today.

I think we might recall the times when things were good because to take in and process how they used us is just too painful.

Even if we are the ones to leave, it is not like other relationships. Usually, if one is in a relationship with a normal person, we pull away and are emotionally detaching before the actual "end." The problem with BPDs is that even if we choose to walk out the door ... .we are so filled with resentment and frustration more difficult to heal. It is just so emotional and draining because we gave so much. We are raw and vulnerable and the end feels like Katrina. The swirl of emotions is overwhelming.

As I left, I can say that I am getting more than my fair share of "garbage." Mine owes me a boatload of money, so I am not completely NC. I thought we could be civil. But no, he finds opportunities to create drama in his delusional head.

[Century2012]

I had a realization today.

I think we might recall the times when things were good because to take in and process how they used us is just too painful.

Even if we are the ones to leave, it is not like other relationships. Usually, if one is in a relationship with a normal person, we pull away and are emotionally detaching before the actual "end." The problem with BPDs is that even if we choose to walk out the door ... .we are so filled with resentment and frustration more difficult to heal. It is just so emotional and draining because we gave so much. We are raw and vulnerable and the end feels like Katrina. The swirl of emotions is overwhelming.

As I left, I can say that I am getting more than my fair share of "garbage." Mine owes me a boatload of money, so I am not completely NC. I thought we could be civil. But no, he finds opportunities to create drama in his delusional head.

[Octoberfest]

Interestingly enough, I have never really had this phenomenon, and I think I am a rarity on the boards for it.  I always was/have been unable to forget the transgressions... .The instances of searing pain.  My BPD relationship may have been sicker than most... .because I knew a month in that this was not a person I wanted to end up with or marry.  But because of a need on my end to feel wanted and loved, I stuck it out through A LOT of emotional abuse and torture.  If you think about that for a second, knowing early on that this person is not good for you overall, but having such a void that you stick around for another 8 months through constant cheating and lies and emotional abuse, that SCREAMS "I have issues".  My BPD relationship was nothing more than a gathering storm for 9 months.  And at the end, when it finally rained, it poured.

[Century2012]

Well, maybe my situation was different. He was never really abusive. We were together 4 months. Then he was away 2 years on a government assignment. When he returned he was "shell shocked," and very uncertain about himself. And no one really to turn to. I stuck it out for 4 months until he go a job.

I guess I felt so much pain because we were apart for so long, with countless I love yous. I saw that I did not like him when he returned. (Binge drinking, foul mouth, embarrassing me at social events.) I had fallen in love when we were apart, with out the reality of day to day.

I was so angry that he didn't live up to my fantasy. And even more hurt that he didn't try. We parted on somewhat civil terms ... .kind of. I walked out one of his binges. A week later he shows up sober, and we talked as adults.

But when he tried to reconnect a month later, and I did not respond, accept to be polite, that is when he started the spew. Then his sister contacted me to apologize for how her brother "did me wrong."

That is when the real ouch started. If his own family is apologizing to me, how much bile did he spew. I was close to them while he was away, so they know me well.

[Octoberfest]

Century,

What you have described is something that I can relate to intimately... .  We both fell in love with someone who only existed in our minds. And when we were forced to confront the reality that this person was in fact not the one that, we ourselves, idealized in OUR minds, that they did not hold the key to our happiness as we believed they did, we were crushed.  Cognitive dissonance is a powerful force... .It is helpful to hear from others that they too see the destructiveness that we see, but it doesn't make all of the pain go away.

[Lady31]

I think one of the key differences, at least in my mind, is this:

Some of you did not have long periods of abuse and HELL with the person before the relationship ended.  Of course all of us are different, but I think those of us with longer relationships (or at least a longer relationship AROUND/WITH the BPD that exposed us to longer periods of their abuse) were not as "shell shocked" when it was over.  Maybe that isn't everyone - but it was at least my reality.

The mind does funny things.  If my marriage had ended within the first year or two - I would have been DEVASTATED.  However, because I was able to go through a longer period of hell with my exh, I was already at a point of ACCEPTANCE of who he really was/that there was no hope for him/us.  I was also at a point by then that I actually felt RELIEF getting away from him.  It was so scary at the end that I was focused on getting out intact - I WANTED to get away from him.  So basically I went through different stages of letting go WHILE still in the relationship.  I guess that this isn't any LESS hell really than those who do it after - as it was HORRIBLE.  It's just that I had already done all that - but I did actually still have the component of him "being there" while doing so.

I guess I am saying that people have different feelings and experiences after the breakup/finality of the relationship and I would gather that a lot of that depends on which of the detachment phases they had already gone through while still IN the relationship.  Also - each person is different.  One person may be able to start seeing reality/come out of the FOG & accept/see who the pwBPD really is as well as accept the reality of where the relationship is heading within a shorter amount of time in the chaos & others have to go through the chaos much longer to come to this place.

The length of time it takes a person to come to these realizations, I believe, is based on:

#1 How healthy the individual is in the first place. (FOO issues playing the main part here.)

#2 The LEVEL or TYPE of abuse the BPD exhibits.  Some behaviors are much easier to see and process as toxic while others are more subtle and may take longer to come to the surface clearly.

[Velocon]

Lady31's message rings true for me as well.  I mourned the death of the good times over the long failing years of my marriage, as my soon to be ex-wife's BPD got progressively worse; her craziness, gaslighting and abuse got worse; and on a parallel track she swirled down into a black pit of "rock bottom" alcoholism as well.  So by the time she was arrested in our driveway & hauled away by the police from our home (her last time there), it was more of a very public confirmation of the nightmare that was and candidly a relief to have her out.  Some 5 months out now, and I still occasionally have times - despite all her abuse - where I remember some good times and parts of the relationship.  When I do, I force myself to remember the reality of what she did in detail, and my idealization vanishes quickly.  I gave her 20 years of second chances, so I know without a doubt that if I stayed with her the rest of my life would be a walking on eggshells in a minefield hell to my dying breath.   To be honest, I really hate myself for ruminating.  But I have those feelings less and less as time goes by.

Sometimes it seems that I (& maybe we, or some of us) are tempted to recall an idealized & sanitized past, and it takes a very conscious effort to remember reality.   

[mitchell16]

I stil catch myself thinking about the good times and missing them. But when I put the penicl to the paer is when I relaize that in 2 .7 years I only hd good times for about 4 to 6 weeks for the hell to start all over. I help me to remmber the actions and not her words. A few weeks ago I got a long text from her, telling how much she missed us, how she was just surviving day to day. and she wanted me to send her a letter i had wrote but never sent to her. That almost got to me and in the past it would have worked. But I remember how that weekend before whens he had plans withe her friends she had me drive an hour to her, idicatiing she anted us to talk about the relatinship and how to repair it. When i arrevied it was more circualr arguing, no resonsibily taking, and of course no talk about fixing it and then she told she dint love me anymore and that she wasnt in love with me anymore. She didnt care how I felt When I reminded her just a week ealrier she showed up at my house drunk, wanting sex and telling me how much still loved me. She then told me it was time for me to leave, which I did. I didnt hear a sound from her that whole weekend but then she wanted to send me a heart pulling text about how bad she was doing. I just ignored it. But I almost caved until I thought about how cold she was when she didnt wnat to deal with me or I needed something from her.

thats not the first time. she has always treated me like this I was just blind or made excuses for her. The day after christmas was the worst. She exploded for no reason at all I still dont know what i did. the only thing i can figure out is i was off work and she wasnt. but she was like a crazy person, full of vile, the worst one she ever had in the whole time.

so when I think about all the so called good times I remind myself of those more bad times nd ask myself do I really want a life time of that.

so action not words. is the key in my opinion.

[Turkish]

I think one of the key differences, at least in my mind, is this:

Some of you did not have long periods of abuse and HELL with the person before the relationship ended.  Of course all of us are different, but I think those of us with longer relationships (or at least a longer relationship AROUND/WITH the BPD that exposed us to longer periods of their abuse) were not as "shell shocked" when it was over.  Maybe that isn't everyone - but it was at least my reality.

The mind does funny things.  If my marriage had ended within the first year or two - I would have been DEVASTATED.  However, because I was able to go through a longer period of hell with my exh, I was already at a point of ACCEPTANCE of who he really was/that there was no hope for him/us.  I was also at a point by then that I actually felt RELIEF getting away from him.  It was so scary at the end that I was focused on getting out intact - I WANTED to get away from him. 

That is interesting. Though her betraying me at the end surprised the hell out of me (due to her devastation of her father's infidelity to her mother... .even this past year), I remember saying to myself well over a year ago, after the kids are grown, I am going to move away and retire out of state. Which is probably one reason why I encouraged her to start her own retirement account. Maybe she picked up on it. I also remember thinking, no way will it last near that long with things the way they are going (of course it is my fault for not _doing_ anything about it, though she NEVER took my claims of her verbal and emotional abuse seriously, I guess because I didn't physically beat her like her dad did to her mother?)

Maybe that's when she started feeling it from me, and it triggered and hyper-activated her feelings of abandonment, justifying what she did in her own mind. Several friends have commented, even one who went through almost the exact same thing (same age, kids same age, probable wwBPD), that I am doing surprisingly well at this point given all that is going on. When I am alone, however, I don't think I am doing well at all :^( But perhaps you are right. I knew it was coming, and in one sense, though this is very hard right now, detaching (with her still around), I feel some sense of relief.

[DragoN]

Lady31

Some of you did not have long periods of abuse and HELL with the person before the relationship ended.  Of course all of us are different, but I think those of us with longer relationships (or at least a longer relationship AROUND/WITH the BPD that exposed us to longer periods of their abuse) were not as "shell shocked" when it was over.  Maybe that isn't everyone - but it was at least my reality.

Your entire post sums it up. Have known it was BPD or a PD for 5 years and tried everything to make it work. But, the last 2+ years made it beyond clear that it is an impossible mission. The physical violence reduced, but the emotional and psychological ramped up. He had to get his digs in somehow. It's enough.

The length of time it takes a person to come to these realizations, I believe, is based on:

#1 How healthy the individual is in the first place. (FOO issues playing the main part here.)

#2 The LEVEL or TYPE of abuse the BPD exhibits.  Some behaviors are much easier to see and process as toxic while others are more subtle and may take longer to come to the surface clearly.

Agree. Some things are obvious beyond a shadow of any doubt, and forces other aspects into question.

In my case, it was pretty obvious. The more subtle forms of abuse came after he ran his head into the gears of the Legal system. Didn't make it any less toxic, but acted to confirm that there was no hope.

Even if we are the ones to leave, it is not like other relationships. Usually, if one is in a relationship with a normal person, we pull away and are emotionally detaching before the actual "end." The problem with BPDs is that even if we choose to walk out the door ... .we are so filled with resentment and frustration more difficult to heal. It is just so emotional and draining because we gave so much. We are raw and vulnerable and the end feels like Katrina. The swirl of emotions is overwhelming.

Right about now it's the outer tails of the whipping winds. No more flying debris, but the rain still slashes down hard.