What was the most difficult part of the process to detach from your ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What was the most difficult part for you to detach?

Was the is emotional attachment?

Was it the sex?

Was it the evenings together?

Was it the intense feeling you shared with this person?

What was the hardest pill to swallow after you guys broke up?

For me it was simple. The hardest part to begin with was the missing of the intense happiness I shared with her. I never felt so happy, ever, in my entire life. That I missed the most.

Good second and third would be the sex and the days out/holidays/spare time spent together. Got that was so intoxicating.

[HarmKrakow]

What was the most difficult part for you to detach?

Was the is emotional attachment?

Was it the sex?

Was it the evenings together?

Was it the intense feeling you shared with this person?

What was the hardest pill to swallow after you guys broke up?

For me it was simple. The hardest part to begin with was the missing of the intense happiness I shared with her. I never felt so happy, ever, in my entire life. That I missed the most.

Good second and third would be the sex and the days out/holidays/spare time spent together. Got that was so intoxicating.

[hopealways]

Mine was the thought of her being with my replacement - even though I never knew there was one, I fear who it is, and fear finding out. That's what has made it so hard.

[HarmKrakow]

Mine was the thought of her being with my replacement - even though I never knew there was one, I fear who it is, and fear finding out. That's what has made it so hard.

The relevant question here is of course. Why?

Because you were afraid that her/his next relationship would succeed? And would give the love you never got?

Or was it because you knew she was ill, but you just longed so much for that honeymoon phase again?

[hopealways]

It's because I feared the next relationship would succeed and she would give him the love I never got BUT I know, of course, that she is INCAPABLE of showing love, so that would never happen. The next guy will go through the same cycle as I went and as everyone before me went.  I guess I just torture myself thinking about the possibility which I know can never exist. But thank you for asking: writing about it allows me to see how irrational my fear is!

[HarmKrakow]

It's because I feared the next relationship would succeed and she would give him the love I never got BUT I know, of course, that she is INCAPABLE of showing love, so that would never happen. The next guy will go through the same cycle as I went and as everyone before me went.  I guess I just torture myself thinking about the possibility which I know can never exist. But thank you for asking: writing about it allows me to see how irrational my fear is!

Exactly, I thought by asking, I would give you a bit of therapy on your own :P

[Ironmanrises]

Good questions Hrm.

What was the most difficult part for you to detach... .?

I am still detaching... .

As i am not fully healed.

Was it the emotional attachment... .?

Yes.

I spent years... .

Thinking... .

I was getting to know... .

This person... .

And... .

She finally becomes my girlfriend... .

And all it took for it... .

To get to that point... .

For her to leave me in round 1... .

To then return... .

3 months later... .

Begging and pleading... .

For me to allow her back in... .

Only... .

To do the same thing again... .

After i reinvested... .

Even more feelings... .

In the process alone... .

Of letting her back in.

This has been most... .

Difficult for me.

She betrayed my trust i had given her... .

In allowing her reentry into my world.

I betrayed myself... .

In giving that trust... .

To someone who proved before... .

To betray that trust.

A dual betrayal.

And that hurts like nothing else.

Was it the sex... .?

No.

In devaluation in round 2... .

I stopped having sex with her.

I couldnt function sexually... .

With the person closest to me... .

Firing lethal barrages... .

At me... .

At point blank range.

My penis... .

Does not work under those conditions.

Pardon my vulgarity.

Was it the evenings together... .?

Yes.

It was a LDR... .

So i cherished... .

The time i spent with her... .

And her 2 sons.

All of that haunts me.

My tears still fall... .

When i remember that... .

In quiet moments.

Even while i am at work.

Was it the intense feeling you shared with this person... .?

Yes.

I reinvested even more feelings... .

When she returned to me... .

In round 2.

I met her 2 sons... .

That was huge for me.

They started to bond with me... .

And vice versa.

All of that is gone now.

Just gone.

And that hurts.

Hurts me on a deep level.

What was the hardest pill to swallow after you guys broke up... .?

That she has a disorder... .

Of which... .

I was powerless to stop... .

I was powerless to help her... .

I was powerless to stop her abuse towards me... .

I was powerless to help myself out of that situation... .

And the very real fact... .

Based on her previous behavior... .

That she will... .

Return again.

And that scares me.

And i keep swallowing that pill.

I hate this f¥cking disorder.

[fiddlestix]

I miss being special.  My ex had been with a lot of men before me (should have been a red flag!).  But she chose to marry me!  I felt like I had won the lottery; out of all those other men, she chose me!  I felt special, for many years.  Then it all started to erode.  The moods, the insults, the adultery... .you all know the pattern.  

And, we did have fun: movies, inside jokes, travel, raising our kids, buying new houses... .we did it all.  The sex was pretty good, mostly because I found her so beautiful.  But I miss feeling special.  I guess I will have to look within myself now to feel special.  In fact, if I had done that years ago I might have bailed out before things got so bad.  A person with a healthy self image would not have stood for the way she treated me.  

[eyvindr]

For me, the hardest part has been learning to accept that there really isn't any way to align her dysfunctional perceptions with reality.

And, if her perceptions are her reality -- feelings are facts, to pwBPD, so their  truth is the only truth -- then I am not the person I want to be.

And I'm not in the r-ship I want to be in.

There's no way to reconcile someone telling you that you're making them unhappy, when you're not doing anything out of the ordinary. How would you do that? Admit to something you aren't doing? Many on these boards have attempted that, only to find it's a losing strategy.

The reason I got recycled after our first break-up was that I thought I better understood her, and better understood BPD, and would be able to validate her feelings without feeling the relationship being consumed by them. I was wrong. I tried, and it didn't work. I'm convinced that the only thing that might have saved my r-ship with my ex was long-term commitment on her part to intensive talk therapy, possibly with a pharmaceutical component -- which she would never do. She never went to more than one appointment with a therapist on her own.

I can say that 100% of the time when I enforced the personal boundary that unless she began to take accountability for her behavior, I was unwilling to commit to more than dating her (she wanted to move in and get married), I was met with the following response: "I refuse to take 100% responsibility for all of the problems in our relationship. I'm not going to a therapist unless you go with me, and I will not take any medications. You need to take responsibility for your part."

Always the same thing. Reversal. Projective identification. Projection. Gaslighting.

In many ways, we got to the core issues in our r-ship pretty quickly -- and our dynamic went from blissfully naive (before identifying the problems) to stubborn denial. I would say the last 6 months of the relationship were mostly spent in an emotional impasse. By the time I left her, I was over the pain.

She claims to hate me now. Claims I'm a monster. Claims the way I left her was cold and "heinous" -- seems it's become her favorite word. Pretty sure she's never looked it up... .

[HarmKrakow]

For me, the hardest part has been learning to accept that there really isn't any way to align her dysfunctional perceptions with reality.

And, if her perceptions are her reality -- feelings are facts, to pwBPD, so their  truth is the only truth -- then I am not the person I want to be.

And I'm not in the r-ship I want to be in.

There's no way to reconcile someone telling you that you're making them unhappy, when you're not doing anything out of the ordinary. How would you do that? Admit to something you aren't doing? Many on these boards have attempted that, only to find it's a losing strategy.

The reason I got recycled after our first break-up was that I thought I better understood her, and better understood BPD, and would be able to validate her feelings without feeling the relationship being consumed by them. I was wrong. I tried, and it didn't work. I'm convinced that the only thing that might have saved my r-ship with my ex was long-term commitment on her part to intensive talk therapy, possibly with a pharmaceutical component -- which she would never do. She never went to more than one appointment with a therapist on her own.

I can say that 100% of the time when I enforced the personal boundary that unless she began to take accountability for her behavior, I was unwilling to commit to more than dating her (she wanted to move in and get married), I was met with the following response: "I refuse to take 100% responsibility for all of the problems in our relationship. I'm not going to a therapist unless you go with me, and I will not take any medications. You need to take responsibility for your part."

Always the same thing. Reversal. Projective identification. Projection. Gaslighting.

In many ways, we got to the core issues in our r-ship pretty quickly -- and our dynamic went from blissfully naive (before identifying the problems) to stubborn denial. I would say the last 6 months of the relationship were mostly spent in an emotional impasse. By the time I left her, I was over the pain.

She claims to hate me now. Claims I'm a monster. Claims the way I left her was cold and "heinous" -- seems it's become her favorite word. Pretty sure she's never looked it up... .

This topic hit home for me So much resemblance and so much good points written here.

Also the missing part of feeling special.

[eyvindr]

Yeah -- Ironman's good people.

[toomanytears]

I miss feeling special, being cherished and made love to, flattered, taken care of, the walks in the country with someone who knew the names of all the flowers and birds, our family life with our two beautiful children... .

But I don't miss his hatred of me, the black thoughts, the lying, the broken promises, the accusations, the irrational fears and illogical outbursts... .

Now everything has been annihilated.

At this moment in time I would have it all back, good and bad, just to eradicate the awful loneliness.

[Turkish]

Good questions Hrm.

What was the most difficult part for you to detach... .?

I am still detaching... .

As i am not fully healed.

Was it the emotional attachment... .?

Yes.

Was it the sex... .?

No.

In devaluation in round 2... .

I stopped having sex with her.

I couldnt function sexually... .

With the person closest to me... .

Firing lethal barrages... .

At me... .

At point blank range.

My penis... .

Does not work under those conditions.

Pardon my vulgarity.

She never, EVER took that seriously. And that was our first break up, where she brought me back manipulatively. "forced" me into sex therapy... .which was supposed to be as a couple. But she quit after two sessions. I went to one last one for men only, told the therapist (a woman) what I thought it was (her mistreatment of me), and got MUCH sympathy and validation, a simple, "of course you would have problems, you're a human being!" In addition to taking away the blame for me "forcing" her on b/c (the therapist rolled her eyes at this and has heard it from lots of women, as if I forced those pills down her throat).

I was able to compartmentalize my feelings, and never had a problem again... .I even found a couple's communication class. But she initially balked at going, saying SHE was the great communicator, and I had the problem. When I looked obviously crestfallen, she relented, we went, and we both thought it was good... .but that wasn't the root issue, as I know now, so it didn't make much difference after a while.

Later, she would often criticize, in-between telling me it was "great". So I started seeing it as a chore... .which triggered her more. After years, I started to resent it, which was part of the downward spiral. She's a very pretty woman, in decent shape. Doesn't matter. When someone is mistreating you, they become the ugliest person in the world.

She always seemed so "desperate" to me (she even admits this about herself, in those moments of high function self awareness). I often felt something was wrong. So did she, but she fantasized about a previous relationship (by a guy who left/cheated/recycled/gave her an STD/left again permanently, yeah, great guy!), and I was made aware of it. So messed up... .I guess I wasn't "man" enough to be "manly" even though she not so secretly doesn't trust and resents men. So messed up... .that's why I don't even want to touch her these days when passing in our house (I hope she gets out soon!), especially her running into the arms of a boy-man with a manlike member. That's about the extent of his manliness. Good luck with that. It won't last, like all the others before me. I was the longest, most mature/adult relationship she ever had. And due to her getting herself spayed (as opposed to me neutered, which I offered to again and again), will be the last. Maybe she knew back then... .maybe she wanted me to have kids with someone else in the future, despite my middle age.

Maybe... .

[Conundrum]

Accepting the clear perception that if I married her (we lived together for 6 years), it would have been a slow process of assisted suicide--mine, not hers. She possesses alluring, narcotic-like qualities that could make a man happy til the end of his days, unfortunately they're subsumed by her disorder.

[Turkish]

 A person with a healthy self image would not have stood for the way she treated me.  

Bingo! Thank you. Never again. The boundary gates of my relationship had "Arbeit Macht Frei" posted above them. I naively believed that anything I ever did, or any demands I ever met would ever have been good enough. So in the end, I was sent to the gas chamber. I will leave my devalued self there, and walk out the gates a free, and more importantly, whole man.

[HarmKrakow]

Accepting the clear perception that if I married her (we lived together for 6 years), it would have been a slow process of assisted suicide--mine, not hers. She possesses alluring, narcotic-like qualities that could make a man happy til the end of his days, unfortunately they're subsumed by her disorder.

I  'ed badly :D

[Ironmanrises]

House, Eyvindr... .

Right back at you guys.

[fiddlestix]

Hey Fellas!  Who the heck needs these crazy women anyways?  We are all getting to be good pals here; let's forget about those nutty chicks and hang out.  Superbowl party, my house.  I got the beverages   Who's bring the wings? 

Thanks for this board   I feel pretty good today. 

Fiddle 

[eyvindr]

Amen, Conundrum --

My feelings exactly -- which fortunately prevented me from going as far as living with her.

Accepting the clear perception that if I married her (we lived together for 6 years), it would have been a slow process of assisted suicide--mine, not hers. She possesses alluring, narcotic-like qualities that could make a man happy til the end of his days, unfortunately they're subsumed by her disorder.

Funny -- when we'd talk about the future, she always made quite the point of saying, "You do know I'd never live with anyone without being married, don't you? Because that's just trashy."

Translation being: "that's too threatening a step for me to take, because it would give you a real clear view into what you'd be signing up for, and you'd probably want out."

Sucks that I feel that way now. But, I do feel that way now.

[HarmKrakow]

Well, I would take her back (minus the BPD). instantly.

[eyvindr]

So would a lot of us, Harm. I know I would. I really loved her.

Sometimes she'd ask me, "why do you love me so much?"

I always tole her the same thing -- "because you're lovable." She was easy to love.

But impossible to live with, because of this damned illness.

As Ironman says, "I hate this f¥cking disorder."

[DragoN]

Well, I would take her back (minus the BPD). instantly.

Couple years ago? Maybe, but now? Too much damage.

Magikal thinking accomplishes nothing... .

[hopealways]

So would a lot of us, Harm. I know I would. I really loved her.

Sometimes she'd ask me, "why do you love me so much?"

I always tole her the same thing -- "because you're lovable." She was easy to love.

But impossible to live with, because of this damned illness.

As Ironman says, "I hate this f¥cking disorder."

MINE WOULD ASK ME THE SAME THING WOW

Also would say "I know you love me, but I don't know why."

[Century2012]

For me it was the emotional attachment. Mine showed me his true vulnerability. I was his "touch stone." When he tried to contact me a month later about being friends, it was difficult for me not to want to continue to be his confidant.

His mother stepped in and said, "Leave her alone. Just go one with your life." He called to apologize for some cruel devaluing behavior that his mother witnessed. He said, "I am trying to be nice." Trying. Is being nice that difficult?

[HarmKrakow]

For me it was the emotional attachment. Mine showed me his true vulnerability. I was his "touch stone." When he tried to contact me a month later about being friends, it was difficult for me not to want to continue to be his confidant.

His mother stepped in and said, "Leave her alone. Just go one with your life." He called to apologize for some cruel devaluing behavior that his mother witnessed. He said, "I am trying to be nice." Trying. Is being nice that difficult?

Yes, being nice can be difficult from time to time.

Very difficult. It also costs energy.

You can compare it to drinking out of a aluminium can and you are walking through a forest. The easiest way is to throw it in the forest. The best(!) way is to wait a few km, and then put it in a bin. It's easier to be an ass than to be truly genuinely nice.

[Century2012]

Ironman ... .yep, it is the betrayal. The "I promise I will never do anything to hurt you ... .again." And I believe it.

HarmKrkow... .yep again. An aluminum can in the forest. That is how I feel sometimes.

[gettingoverit]

For me, the anger I felt for her betrayal, lying and rewriting history. Hard to believe that this is the same woman who swore that we would be together "forever", that we were "soulmates" then could turn around and f8ck my friend behind my back, lie about it and about me, then try to have me arrested because I caught her in that lie. A very hard pill to swallow. Also let's not forget the urge I had to beat the living crap out of both of them for their nastiness that came after the fact I knew they were together. Both of them real winners here. The funny thing is though, all of these things that she did helped me to detach that much faster. The woman I thought I loved, turned out to be a crazy f8cking bhit. Nothing gets you off of the crazy train faster than that.

[HarmKrakow]

For me, the anger I felt for her betrayal, lying and rewriting history. Hard to believe that this is the same woman who swore that we would be together "forever", that we were "soulmates" then could turn around and f8ck my friend behind my back, lie about it and about me, then try to have me arrested because I caught her in that lie. A very hard pill to swallow. Also let's not forget the urge I had to beat the living crap out of both of them for their nastiness that came after the fact I knew they were together. Both of them real winners here. The funny thing is though, all of these things that she did helped me to detach that much faster. The woman I thought I loved, turned out to be a crazy f8cking bhit. Nothing gets you off of the crazy train faster than that.

Same, these were also the things for me which caused me to detach sometimes very rapidly.

I remember an email from my ex that she was happy she spoke to her ex-bf (who raped her, abused her, hit her, physically molested her, didn't let her go out etc) and that it was a nice conversation and that he is over her and that she is happy about that.

Funny thing is, during our r/s, that ex-bf threatened to kill my ex a few times, i've seen the texts... .Bizarre. I read that mail from here and I smiled a little.

Dear ex, there are a few brainwires loose...

[Jbt857]

Hey Fellas!  Who the heck needs these crazy women anyways?  We are all getting to be good pals here; let's forget about those nutty chicks and hang out.  Superbowl party, my house.  I got the beverages   Who's bring the wings? 

Thanks for this board   I feel pretty good today. 

Fiddle 

Pfft!

I prefer Formula One, anyway! 

[Waifed]

I think the most difficult part was realizing that no matter what you do you cannot help your exBPD if they are not willing to help themselves.  Also the anger I feel towards myself for allowing myself to get trapped in the fog for 3 years.  As things clear, just remembering and realizing what I let this woman get away with over and over.  It is so out of my character to let someone control me like she did. 

We live and learn... .

[Retro1974]

My case was the intimidation - it put me in such a vulnerable position that I actually tried for around six months to get her out of my flat! It almost turned my family against me cos she tried several time to get me to choose them or her!

We argued a lot, but because of her state of mind she used to 'tell tales' to her parents (childish, I know). So whenever I said we should break up, she was straight on the phone to her mother and it felt like I was bargaining with them!

Exactly a month before we did split, she starting getting obsessed with having kids cos her sister had just had one; and I flipped and crudely said I didn't want them. That lead to her actually getting violent towards me - I knew then I had to do something. It took three attempts to actually say we were over and hold the nerve to see the process through. But, I don't think I could do it without my family support by researching the legalities that she had no rights because she wasn't earning and basically squatting (this may be different in the US).

I think I was just worried that it would be an explosive encounter that would see her finally leave (and I actually moved out some treasured belongings of mine just in case), and it did happen through a confrontation between both our families and police intervention.

I'm (or used to be) a person who usually hides their issues and tries to deal with them alone, but I realised now that help is always at hand if you seek it!