A blocked number called my cell.

[Ironmanrises]

I just got a blocked(private) number call on my cell.

I didnt answer.

The last time i got one of these... .

Was from her... .

In NC period... .

Right before she re engaged me.

My hands are shaking.

I know its her.

No one else calls me like that.

[Findingmysong723]

You know what to do, you've been supporting so many with keeping NC. It's hard, but you can do it!

[Ironmanrises]

Finding,

I didnt respond.

I have retreated into my ironman suit... .

I literally want to disappear.

This is what i feared.

I have seen this before.

Her attempts will increase.

[fromheeltoheal]

Stay the course Ironman, you know you're doing what's right for you.  Contact attempts like that are also a good gauge of how far along you are in your detachment, a handy check up, and an opportunity to decide if you need to make changes or keep on keepin' on.  Stay strong and stay here.

[Ironmanrises]

Fromheel,

I am trying.

Thank you.

I am not fully healed.

She needs to stay on the other side of the NC wall.

She will only hurt me again.

[simplyasiam]

can you change your cell number?

[Ironmanrises]

Simply,

No.

I would have to explain to my family... .

And what not... .

Why i am doing that.

They do not know about any of this.

They wouldnt understand.

[allweareisallweare]

Ironman,

Suit up, repel

We knew this could happen - try not to let it sway you from your recovery path as you have to not only exist despite them, you have to recover from what is essentially emotional trauma - something they deploy BPD to avoid.

[starshine]

You're so much stronger this time, Ironman.  You know what's going on, and what you can expect.  That doesn't make it any easier when your adrenaline starting pulsing through your veins, though!  I know when I've seen my ex out in public I just start shaking.   Too bad you can't block blocked calls.   

[Ironmanrises]

Allwear... .

It is in the 3 month cycle... .

Just like before.

Like clockwork.

A pattern of behavior.

Suiting up.

[fiddlestix]

Ironman, are you a bit surprised?  Or were you ready for this?  Is there any part of you that feels validated that she is still reaching out, if only for selfish reasons.  I am still at the point in my healing where I kind of crave a contact from my ex.  I hope I won't respond, but to know that she is thinking about me would be kind of nice (in a sick way). 

I hope you are doing well, ironman... .keep us posted.  You are safe with us. 

Fiddle

[peas]

This entered my head as I read your post:

1) maybe it's not her.

2) now that this call has your attention, take some time to think of a response in case she is attempting contact and she tries again and you accidentally answer the phone.

3) you were in an LDR. Think of how much money and time you have saved by not traveling to see her since the breakup (I was in an LDR too and by my calculations I've saved about $850 in gas and wear-and-tear on my car since my b/u). Do you want to re-engage and spend that money again with the high likelihood she will hurt you all over again? 

You are in charge now.

[allweareisallweare]

Allwear... .

It is in the 3 month cycle... .

Just like before.

Like clockwork.

A pattern of behavior.

Suiting up.

That's great. That gives me strength. They know our NC is our force field, they know they cannot win. They know they discarded our love, they know whoever they may have replaced us with is just a BPD life-choice. They think we can redeem some of that by coming back in and saying 'this' 'that' but they're wrong. They think they can recycle. They think they can repair. They just have no idea we're all together in this. We are caught between - repelling, quashing, retreating, moving on and fighting on this new, non-them front.

Our own sense of no-validation almost makes us retreat into this sense of wanting to hear from them... .but that's because we're hurting badly it's not the same why they would break NC - they do it because the think we're weak enough to A) Forgive the unforgivable B) Forget the unforgettable - as I say, NC is the force field.

[Ironmanrises]

Starshine... .

Thank you.

This time... .

I am fully aware.

She will try and text me next.

I predicted her god awful behavior... .

When i was in round 2.

And it all came to fruition.

I am sorry you experienced that contact in person.

I dont even want to fathom that.

Fiddle... .

No... .

I knew this was going to happen.

I am not ready... .

In terms of being healed.

I will not respond though.

And i will not reach out either.

Validation... .

When she returned the last time... .?

Yes.

This time... .?

No.

Pain was behind that blocked call.

Pain that is directed at me.

And i want no part of that.

Thank you fiddle.

[simplyasiam]

ironman, you should hide this from your family. you have them supporting you. hiding this kinda thing is what alot of ppl with BPD want they dont want out where the world can see

[UnLuckyLady]

IronManFalls

You are stronger than you realize. I do not have to tell you to arm yourself because that is what you have been doing for the last several months. Preparing for this moment, as you have dreaded it. You are not weak. You have your suit. Use it.

Use us people on this board. Our friends and family simply cannot grasp the devestation. Let us talk you through it every hour of the day if needed. Hell, call me. I would talk you through it.

You have got this under control IronManFalls.  Trust it.

[peas]

Also, have you seen the original Evil Dead movie, from 1981? I don't mean to be crass, but sometimes pwBPD make me think of the characters in the movie who are demon possessed and are able to for a moment assume an unpossessed, victimized persona to gain access and sympathy before they overtake you?

[starshine]

The only places I see my ex is at what used to be my "safe" places- the co-op where I worked for 14 years and currently serve on the board, and at the farmer's market.  It sucks.  I haven't seen him in person in just over 6 months, though I fear it every time I go out.  I have changed my life in many ways so I don't cross his path.

Ironman, why are you afraid to dial your family into this?  My family was shocked at what he did to me, but they weren't able to support me in the way I needed.  At the very least, you might let them know that she is unstable, that the breakup has been harder than they know.   Thank goodness for these boards... .

[Ironmanrises]

Peas... .

I get what you are saying.

But the last time this happened... .

I was naive to the fact... .

That she was behind the blocked phone calls.

I cannot make that mistake again.

If i by accident answer the phone... .

And its her... .

I will hang up.

Any verbal exchange will only expose me to her manipulations.

And i am no match against that.

I spent a lot of money and time traveling to see her... .

And that landed me here.

I do not want that again.

Simply,

I get what you are saying.

My father is elderly... .

I cannot burden him with knowing about what i allowed in my life.

He would freak out.

Literally.

My mother... .

Would kill me.

Its best they know nothing of this.

[simplyasiam]

i can understand and respect that

[Ironmanrises]

Allwear,

Spot on.

That is why i am staying behind this forcefield... .

Of NC.

It is all that separates me from her.

Unluckylady,

Thank you.

You are really kind!

It is why i immediately posted that after my phone stopped ringing.

You guys understand me.

Starshine,

That is awful that you had to reroute your life like that.

So unfair.

I would have had to do the same... .

If she lived in my city.

Hang in there.

Peas,

I havent seen that movie.

But i know what you are referring to.

I witnessed her "possession"... .(dysregulation i witnessed)

Once.

In person.

To say that shook me... .

Would be an understatement.

[PhoenixRising15]

IMF,

You are not invisible.  You've been a source of strength and support for me.

You've got all of us here.

I just got this idea that might help me too, so I'll share it.

If you've ever seen Harry Potter, she's like the creature in the box that turns into your worst fear.

To take away her fear powers, just imagine her in a different way.

Think of her as a fully adult woman dressed in a diaper crying and banging her toy phone on the ground.

Or as a balloon and all you have to do is pop her and she whizzes away.

I don't mean to diminish your pain.  I am myself scared of that exact thing, which I know will happen eventually.

But you give me strength brother.  Keep healing.

[Ironmanrises]

Question,

Thank you brother.

Means a lot.

I remember that part in the movie... .

A paper tiger... .

As long... .

As she remains... .

Away from me.

Her presence... .

Is corrosive to me.

2 rounds of it... .

Was proof enough... .

Of that.

You keep healing too.

Thank you for your kind words brother.

[hopealways]

Ironman, do you see all the love you have from complete strangers, on this forum... .your BPDx can never give you 1% of the love that these faceless friends give you.  I know you will handle this the right way, whatever that may be, because you now understand what is going on, you are stronger, and wiser, and you know what it is that you truly miss... .and it is not her.  Hang in there buddy, we are all behind you.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Yes.

You are so right.

Genuine love.

I am grateful for that. 

Thank you buddy.

So far... .

I have no desire to contact her.

And i will use all my willpower... .

To not succumb.

[Conundrum]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

I get your overall message.

She has caused me pain.

Twice.

I allowed it... .

The second time.

My ironman theme... .

Is how i visualize things.

In bold.

Physically... .

Your description is correct.

Flesh and blood.

Mentally... .

And emotionally... .

Her behavior... .

Has caused me pain.

Lots of it.

Solely... .

Directed at me.

Her iconic status... .

Is my way... .

Of protecting me.

I was naive before.

That cost me.

I do get what you are saying... .

But her being mentally ill... .

Has had direct consequences on me.

I cannot allow anymore of that.

This is me being myself... .

And trying to protect myself.

[Accepting]

I had one from a blocked nbr the other night. Felt it cld be him. ... played on my mind.

Turned out to be an organization... .so just focus on the chance it's someone else 

[hopealways]

Ironman, just be yourself--for that's all we ever have. Tony Stark uses his suit against those who possess super-powers. She's mortal, flesh and blood--only iconic in your mind. You can be anyway you want with her, even if there is contact. Defining her as a master manipulator is a crutch, an easy way out to negate your own free will. She has no say in your destiny unless you allow it. if you do, then be at peace with it. You've decided to take the ride. If the aftermath burns, that's life. Sometimes temporal pleasures may be worth it, and sometimes we have regrets. She is not the wielder of arcane powers, nor the agent of your doom.  What she is, is a mentally ill woman, who you've had a relationship with. Just a being, like us all, comprised of flesh and blood. Be true to yourself--and live life.   

I get your overall message.

She has caused me pain.

Twice.

I allowed it... .

The second time.

My ironman theme... .

Is how i visualize things.

In bold.

Physically... .

Your description is correct.

Flesh and blood.

Mentally... .

And emotionally... .

Her behavior... .

Has caused me pain.

Lots of it.

Solely... .

Directed at me.

Her iconic status... .

Is my way... .

Of protecting me.

I was naive before.

That cost me.

I do get what you are saying... .

But her being mentally ill... .

Has had direct consequences on me.

I cannot allow anymore of that.

This is me being myself... .

And trying to protect myself.

Ironman - in bold - these words summarize everything for me.  I will repeat these to myself and store them in my phone to look at when I lose focus.  "Her being mentally ill has had direct consequences on me.  I cannot allow anymore of that." We should all remember these words by Ironman.  This will help me greatly in healing.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you not answering, Ironman.  

I got one of those blocked number calls and calls from numbers I didn't recognize after breaking up, and I didn't answer either. Whether it's the ex or a telemarketer, neither is worth wasting my time to pick up the phone.