How do you cope during night/sleep time & getting your rest?

[HarmKrakow]

We as people go through our days, with work, leisure, education, student life, etc. All their own story. All of them BPD inflicted.

But when you close the lights, and you hump into bed, there is (most likely) no one there, or at least definitely not your EX BPD partner. I was wondering how you guys have been able to keep your rest? Get your sleep? Can you sleep? Do you cry before you go to bed? Do you cry yourself to sleep?

I have tried

-melatonine

-mirtazepine

-temazepam

-oxazepam

-valium

-sleep herbs

-alcohol (work always ... but emotional hangover the day after :D)

-warm milk

-walk before sleeping...

I was wondering how you guys deal with that during your detachment of your ex partners, as I can imagine it has an effect on your sleeping behavior.

[strikeforce]

I  got myself a menthol E-Cigarette, simple but chills me out

[HarmKrakow]

I  got myself a menthol E-Cigarette, simple but chills me out

I don't smoke and i think they are banned in europe :P But thanks for the tip.

[DreamGirl]

What makes the sleep difficult?

Worry?

Ruminating?

I have a silly simple trick that I picked up from a therapist, it has to do with not letting my mind get to "that place" where it's more active in thinking about what can wait until the next day... .then it's focused on my need to sleep.

[Want2know]

Exercise and lots of fresh air.  That helps to stabilize my sleep and moods.  The days when I do these things, I feel pretty great and can sleep well.  My problem is during the work week when, although I walk a lot, I don't get to do focused activity.  Being outside in the environment or nature helps me to see how small I am or my problems are compared to the world around me. 

[Octoberfest]

When i was deep in the throes of depression in the ~3-4 months following the final break up when I finally left my BPDex, the only reprieve I found from my thoughts was heavy exercise.  Every other day (as regular as my shins would handle it) I would run... .and the 30 minutes (which became 40 which became 50) I was doing that was the only time during my day I got away from the thoughts.  On the off days I was in the gym still doing other cardio/working out. At night I found myself holding a pillow in the way that she and I used to sleep.  Nowadays I have found that I have thrown myself into TV and movies... .in fact, going to sleep, turning off the tube is one of the times I think about my BPDex the most, on purpose.  I set it aside as designated time do so.  Not think about in a longing way, but to work through old painful memories so that they do not pop up at inopportune times during my day.  So maybe that is encouraging for some- that a point comes when thinking about your BPDex is something you CHOOSE to do, in my case to learn as much as I can from it. A big part of the journey has been coming to terms with the reality of who my BPDex is- seeing her for her actions, not the way I wished she was/the way I saw her in my mind during the time we dated.  There was a lot of cognitive dissonance that came from what I had to believe of her to date her, and what her actions showed me.

I will add that I don't think of my BPDex every night when I sleep.  I have been blessed to finally have other concerns/ things to think about... .Not necessarily good things, but even they are better than the hell that was in my mind stemming from my BPDex.

[hopealways]

The first few weeks were tough, but you know what, eventually it feels good to have the bed all to myself - I couldn't sleep next to her at all, and I think it is because I just didn't trust her so I was always on alert.  I was walking on eggshells even during my sleep.

[fiddlestix]

I am fond of one small melatonin and one ibuprofen pm.  It hits me an hour after I take them.  Most nights I peacefully slip off in my recliner watching Seinfeld reruns on DVD.  I am not a doctor, so I am not telling anyone to do what I do.  This just works for me. 

And, as time trudges on, thoughts of my ex are getting less and less.  Twenty five years with her is hard to flush out of my thoughts  

Fiddle

[hopealways]

I am fond of one small melatonin and one ibuprofen pm.  It hits me an hour after I take them.  Most nights I peacefully slip off in my recliner watching Seinfeld reruns on DVD.  I am not a doctor, so I am not telling anyone to do what I do.  This just works for me. 

And, as time trudges on, thoughts of my ex are getting less and less.  Twenty five years with her is hard to flush out of my thoughts  

Fiddle

Fiddle, you and others on this forum who endured the BPDex for decades really must be applauded.  You are so strong to have survived this tornado.  I get my strength from you.  My relationship was a boyfriend/girlfriend one of less than 2 years - I cannot even imagine what you have gone through. But since you are here, it means you are serious about healing, and serious about getting your life back. I support you in all of that.  Thanks for sharing.

[Ironmanrises]

Many nights... .

My tears... .

Have been my loyal companion.

Especially in the beginning... .

But even now... .

3 months later... .

They still surface.

And fall.

A reminder... .

Of the pain.

[Bananas]

Yep!  I tried melatonin, lunesta, ambien, herbs, alcohol, milk, exercising, nothing works. 

My T just gave me a book "I Can Make You Sleep" by Paul McKenna.  I will let you know if it works.

[Learning2Thrive]

Depends on the day/night. 

If I've exercised well (minimum 1 - 2 hours of cycling and/or swimming) and the day has been mostly peaceful and I feel confident, I can sleep pretty well.

If it has been a bad day emotionally (whether I've exercised or not), half a Dramamine works for me.  It also takes the edge off the mild queasiness I get from being angry/upset.

[fiddlestix]

Thanks, hopealways... .  I really took my marriage vows seriously.  They were sacred to me. But it became clear to me that my ex wife was not equipped to be faithful.  I had to get out because she was killing me with her continual affairs, insults, lies, drugs... .then sweet talk to keep me in.  I did not feel strong; I felt like a doormat.    I am still weak.  Some days I fear I will never feel normal again. I am drinking too much.

I have a new woman friend, a healthy, sweet, kind woman. She loves me.  But I feel so broken and depressed from the wreckage of my 25 year marriage that I can't move forward with this new amazing gal. Some days I feel stuck.  Thank you all, for being here.

Fiddle

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, Harm. 

Is it regularly or just one night? If regularly, I would try to sleep less - got up very early a day and spent some time with exercising and in fresh air. Lot of fresh air.

As for herbs, the best for me is Valerian in the right dose. If you take too less, it makes you awake.

If I am really over the top and cannot find sleep I need background talk like boring talkshows in TV. Or the series Colombo. Or a turkish broadcast station in the radio. This means I sleep perhaps on the couch... .   

[allweareisallweare]

I have Valerian in the cupboard SHE bought it.

What works for me is listening to music before sleep - classical, jazz, something mellow - it works, through headphones.

I got up at 2:45am the other night and came on here... .I couldn't sleep.

I think it was because of working that day/worries/caffeine - needless to say I slept better last night but... .I woke this morning I swore it was 2.45am outside it was soo cold and damp and miserable... .but it was about six.twenty- British winter   still early, but I went to bed at 10, so my 8 hours were in.

Fiddlestix, good luck, it sounds that you have a lucky charm there (with a new woman loving you) We all want you to move on - for your own sake - but also, conversely, it will give strength to us. Love to you.

[A Dad]

What worked for me was setting up a new routine.

Hit the gym after getting the children in bed. This can be any time between 9 - 10 pm. Really work out until I am tired. Back home between 10.30 - 11 pm. One drink. Shower. Another one or two drinks. Start my playlist on my phone. Within 30 minutes, I will be fast asleep.

As things got easier, I could start cutting out the drinks and/or music. Gym + shower was enough for a good night's sleep. Although tonight I think I will need both as I am moving again to sleep on the couch after sleeping in the same bed as my wife for a few days (no intimacy, but she was feeling down and unwanted after our MC sessions where I affirmed the need for us to separate to heal individually. Stupid me, I know... should be doing what is best for me at this stage).

[LaSuede]

I am amazed how strong you all seem!

You leave me with admiration.

HarmKrow how I feel for you.

I wish I had suggestion, I can only tell you are probably further on than me.

So keep on walking, forward.

I smoke cigarettes, and I am not really a smoker.

My ex was.

I cry.

I have Valerian in a box. He had bought it.

I don't want him "in my body"

(No, I could not sleep next to him either.)

No power to be healthy... .

Less than smelling the sleep of our 3 years old son.

His warm neck.

Now lying next to me.

To worried, sleeping alone, where did papa go?

I wanted to travel to the place I feel free.

A city I love in Europe.

Once I could sleep there! Once I could laugh!

We have memories there.

We wanted to move there. Get old there.

He took it too, memories and future in one stroke.

He burned my exits.

He travelled there did drugs, paid sex and got together with that escort.

They are a couple. Now.

I was erased.

Just like that. After a sad sms to me. Then that.

And a son is abandon. For what? That?

The changes. How do you not suffer from them?

I am working on ways to take "me" back, but fall back and back.

Today is a hard day.

He text me on skype and I did everything I know I should not.

Writing back loong.

Being frustrated.

Trying to make him understand... .

Telling him he can not understand cause he has BPD !

HA! When he "brain-washed" my heart, did he take some brain-cells too.

I even said "I am co-dependent and I need help... ."

That one I will get back in my face.

What is wrong with me?

But I have one power, one tool.

I will always put healthy boundaries for our son.

That I did today too. Since a while and from now on.

He can not take that power away from me.

That fighting-spirit.

Thru that I might find the small kid in me that needs the same protection.

From me, myself.

I stand up for me. I speak my heart. And that makes him leave forever.

So in one sense the result is getting right.

Just I feel miserable for who I become.

As of today I can not see the light.

I guess HarmKrow, if i did not have kids that I needed to be for 24/7

I would go to a bar

I would work late

I would read, travel

I would excersice, box and run

I would talk all night with friends

Invite people to my home

If your ex has not burned to many bridges... .

One thing I can recommend.

Write! Write! Write!

Preferably on rhyme, cause then you need to focus on another part of your brain.

Just don't send it to your ex.

I did.

I feel for you.

[houseofswans]

My new mantra is

"It's not her who is making me feel bad, it's my thoughts about her which makes me feel bad"

So I'm trying to hang onto those words - not easy, but a start.

I've also download some meditation videos from youtube, inc. one called "Hypnosis to mend a broken heart"

But I'm only getting maybe 4 hours sleep a night... .

[Century2012]

Seroquel. No booze. Veggies. Some sort of exercise everyday. Zoning out watching benign reruns. SEROQUEL. 

[huhhuh]

Seroquel. No booze. Veggies. Some sort of exercise everyday.

YES! Exactly... the same here.

If you get too little it will not work. Too much and you will be sleepy all next day. But right amount is perfect.

Don't let it scare you that seroquel is a drug primarily used for Schizophrenia. It has other beneficial qualities and doctors will prescribe it for sleep disorders too.

[Newton]

Yep I guess the answer is whatever works for you! (and it's a major plus if its healthy! The inevitable consequential down from the immediate relief of alchohol can create a viscious circle).

I was fortunate that I had a very intense time at work when I first joined here so the sheer physical effort quietened the ruminating. However after a while it became so serious that my brain was frazzled.  As a brit, the time zone difference helped as most contributors here were online when I should have been sleeping so I posted or read a lot.

Eventually my T recommended an SSRI.  This was so helpful as it silenced my ruminations and allowed me to entertain at least some challenging thoughts to combat the negativity, combined with CBT these thoughts started to become my reality, a more accurate and healthy reality.

I don't think I would have had the cognitive space to do this without the meds.  

I also expanded on the radical acceptance and mindfulness that is promoted here.  I have a buddhist app that emails writings to my pc, reading these before bed also helps.

As a previous poster wrote, problems you choose to ruminate about at night will still be there in the morning, tey to be kind to yourself and give your brain the night off!  

[Hazelrah]

If I am really over the top and cannot find sleep I need background talk like boring talkshows in TV. Or the series Colombo. Or a turkish broadcast station in the radio. This means I sleep perhaps on the couch... .   

I do something very similar these days.  I generally tend to start off my sleep schedule on the couch with the TV on... .all-sports networks tend to be good background noise for me.  I have company as one of my/our cats likes to sleep with me no matter where I go, so it's nice to have a warm body there, even if it isn't human.  Somewhere in the middle of the night, between 2-3 am, I generally awake and head to bed, where I turn on the radio for more background noise.  Of course, the cat follows me there until he and his 'brother' wake me at 4:30 for breakfast.  After that, I get a few additional uninterrupted hours of sleep before awaking for work--all in all, I can tally about 6 hours of sleep, which is an improvement over the early days of my separation.  Exercising religiously (I'm in the best shape of my life all of the sudden) and healthy eating have likely helped as well.

[HarmKrakow]

If I am really over the top and cannot find sleep I need background talk like boring talkshows in TV. Or the series Colombo. Or a turkish broadcast station in the radio. This means I sleep perhaps on the couch... .   

I do something very similar these days.  I generally tend to start off my sleep schedule on the couch with the TV on... .all-sports networks tend to be good background noise for me.  I have company as one of my/our cats likes to sleep with me no matter where I go, so it's nice to have a warm body there, even if it isn't human.  Somewhere in the middle of the night, between 2-3 am, I generally awake and head to bed, where I turn on the radio for more background noise.  Of course, the cat follows me there until he and his 'brother' wake me at 4:30 for breakfast.  After that, I get a few additional uninterrupted hours of sleep before awaking for work--all in all, I can tally about 6 hours of sleep, which is an improvement over the early days of my separation.  Exercising religiously (I'm in the best shape of my life all of the sudden) and healthy eating have likely helped as well.

I do that almost every day. Always having something on. Always, a tv-show, a radio broadcast, sometimes even a little bit of light.

The problem is, (also to Surnia), this isn't really helping but more or less avoiding the problem no? Like a plaster? 

[HarmKrakow]

Thank you all for all the replies btw! As my sleep is one of my biggest issues

[Hazelrah]

The problem is, (also to Surnia), this isn't really helping but more or less avoiding the problem no? Like a plaster? 

Oh, I don't disagree that it isn't a long-term solution, but it has been the best short-term option in slowly increasing the amount of sleep I get.  Plus, it's a big improvement over the alcohol-induced comas I unfortunately used in the earliest days of grief. 

[Jbt857]

I'd advocate against prescription drugs, simply because they don't address the issue, they just mask it.

I think maintaining a regular routine - so you wake the same time every morning, regardless of how little you slept the night before is good. Exercise helps.

I have a sound machine that plays ocean sounds. If that doesn't work, I play a meditation podcast.

I think switching off electronic devices - tv, computers etc a few hours before bed has been shown to help.

Most of all, acceptance - that sometimes sleepless nights happen (to us all) and not making a big deal of it is most useful to me. I know my body will recalibrate and make sure I get the sleep I need if I just allow it to. Try not to beat yourself up if you have a few days or even a few weeks like that. Everything should catch up and resolve itself if you allow it.

[imstronghere2]

I'm sorry I don't have time right now to read all the replies to this thread but I just wanted to add that this was something I brought up with my therapist during our last session.  I'm a few months past the 2 year mark of when my exwBPD moved out and just this past Monday was 2 years from when our divorce was finalized.   I still have nights when I am affected by this whole mess and the pain comes through in waves but fortunately it's not that common anymore.   What I talked to my therapist about was am I going to be plagued with this the rest of my life?  The answer was - probably, considering that I also was raised by a BPD mother.  It's when you're alone in the dark that the chances of this happening are higher.  What do I do about it?  Push through it.  I don't condone the use of any drugs or alcohol to cope.  Those just dull the pain.  Some nights I can get through it easier than others.   Does this suck?  You bet it does but there's nothing we can do to change what's happened.  Accept what you cannot change and live your life to the best of your ability.   Good luck.

[HarmKrakow]

I'd advocate against prescription drugs, simply because they don't address the issue, they just mask it.

I think maintaining a regular routine - so you wake the same time every morning, regardless of how little you slept the night before is good. Exercise helps.

I have a sound machine that plays ocean sounds. If that doesn't work, I play a meditation podcast.

I think switching off electronic devices - tv, computers etc a few hours before bed has been shown to help.

Most of all, acceptance - that sometimes sleepless nights happen (to us all) and not making a big deal of it is most useful to me. I know my body will recalibrate and make sure I get the sleep I need if I just allow it to. Try not to beat yourself up if you have a few days or even a few weeks like that. Everything should catch up and resolve itself if you allow it.

It is not so much the sleepless night per se, but also the deep sinking of emotions, endless crying, crying yourself to sleep etc, the moment it's 3/4/5AM in the morning, you are tired, but not tired enough to sleep and the tiredness awakens the (weak) emotions and thus start crying or ruminating about the past. At moments like that, I often do use a benzo, or a quick drink, or warm milk, or atleast an activity which keeps my mind 'afloat' rather than sinking without trace.

But then again, I have had nights where I didn't do anything else besides crying, cry - awake - cry - awake - cry -awake effectively sleeping 2/3/4 hours a night with drenched in tears bed . Those nights are (as far as i know) behind me.

[Hazelrah]

I think switching off electronic devices - tv, computers etc a few hours before bed has been shown to help.

This is absolutely true--there have been plenty of studies to support this practice.  I am definitely not promoting my current sleep practices... .they've merely helped me cope in the short term. However, I presently find myself yawning right here in the middle of the day, so I no doubt need to continue to fine-tune my habits back to normal.

[HarmKrakow]

I'm sorry I don't have time right now to read all the replies to this thread but I just wanted to add that this was something I brought up with my therapist during our last session.  I'm a few months past the 2 year mark of when my exwBPD moved out and just this past Monday was 2 years from when our divorce was finalized.   I still have nights when I am affected by this whole mess and the pain comes through in waves but fortunately it's not that common anymore.   What I talked to my therapist about was am I going to be plagued with this the rest of my life?  The answer was - probably, considering that I also was raised by a BPD mother.  It's when you're alone in the dark that the chances of this happening are higher.  What do I do about it?  Push through it.  I don't condone the use of any drugs or alcohol to cope.  Those just dull the pain.  Some nights I can get through it easier than others.   :)oes this suck?  You bet it does but there's nothing we can do to change what's happened.  Accept what you cannot change and live your life to the best of your ability.   Good luck.

I agree, confront it. Eat up the pain. Unfortunately, sometimes it can prohibit you from living a normal life where you have to work, pay mortgage/rent etc. And everything starts/falls with sleep. The first recovery is sleep.

My therapist said I could also drag this with me for the rest of my life. However, I can also get cured. I have the typical character within me that I don't condone living under ___ circumstances and eat up mental pain every day if I don't have 2. It's either getting better, or keep trying getting better. Any acceptance of a scar is non acceptable. (Coming from someone who got diagnosed with PTSD due to the mental abuse of his BPD ex  ) Someone has to believe in myself, might aswell be me!