Wind out of my sails

[emotionaholic]

Its been almost 6 months since the final breakup and 4 months strick NC.  I have been doing a fair job of healing and detaching.  I do my best to not talk about her or reminisce, though thoughts of her still wander around aimlessly in my head.  I have even started to date though very slowly and cautiously.

Her ex husband calls me from time to time to get my advice on how to deal with her anger.  I learned from her T after the breakup that she has BPD though not officially diagnosed.  I have shared some information with her ex husband about it while not disclosing the actual disorder.  All the while I just want to close that chapter of my life.  However we each have sons from previous relationships that are good friends and in the same class at school so it is impossible to completely remove myself from involvement.  As said there has been NC with the ex and I keep play dates limited to times when her son is at his dads.  Hence the advice calls from her ex husband.  There is a custody battle brewing since her son does not want to live with her anymore.

So yesterday I go out on my 3rd date with this woman that I have been interested in, my neighbors young cute daughter.  After a couple of dinners I took her out for a day of sailing.  I am not feeling the fire that I had felt with the exBPDgf but keep telling myself that maybe that is a good thing to take it slow and let something develop.  So I drop her off at her house and go in for the kiss which is warmly accepted.  Immediately my timidness skyrockets.  Her lips felt so different than what I had become accustomed to and it actually felt strange rather than passionate but hey she is really cute and very sweet and I think she like me.  I go home relatively excited and had made plans to have dinner at her place in a couple of days.  Not ready to have her over to my place due to her parents, whom I am very close to, living directly across the street with a great view into my house.  AWKWARD!   As soon as I get home the phone rings and it is the ex's ex husband.  "You nailed it" he states.  "Everything you said about her is dead on.  She showed up with a new guy at the kids football game today."  Up till this point I had to just assume she would find another victim though in her 36 years she has only been with her ex husband, me, and one other guy briefly in between.  I was silent for a minute then got angry and told him I did not want to hear that and why in the world is he calling me to tell me that she has a new guy.  He said that he was just wanting to tell me that I was right about her and everything I have warned and advised him about her is dead on.

Today I wake up just PISSED OFF!  I had been doing so well detaching and moving on.  Why in hell did he have to choose then to call me and tell me that.  All the wind in my sails is gone.  The excitement about the new girl I am seeing left with that conversation and got replaced with hurt anger and jealousy over my ex.  Why why why do the gods of love feel like dumping on me like this.  I'm going to just stay at home today because I really want to unload on someone right now.

[hopealways]

I feel you! That is why I am avoiding hanging out with my BPDex's mutual friends - I DO NOT want to hear whatever it is she may be up to. YUK.  You are healing, that is why you have that reaction. But you know what I told myself? She was cruel, vile, evil - and she has NEVER been happy and NEVER will be and can never heal. We can though and we ARE. Be grateful that you have a chance to be healthy after this passes. Give the new girl a chance, go slow, just enjoy your time. I know it feels different with someone knew especially since your heart has taken a severe beating but YOU WILL SURVIVE and get better my friend.

[Aussie0zborn]

That was a bummer. You might ask him not to talk to you about her. I don't think he had any ill intentions or thought through it before putting his mouth into gear.

Hopealways phrased it perfectly well above. Hang in there.

[emotionaholic]

Thank You Hopealways.  I know all of that to be true. 

I know she is not healthy.

I know that she is a destroyer of relationships. 

I know that over 3 years I watched a slow decline in her in all of her relationships.

I know that I truly loved her but can never be with her

I know that she really loved me, but is incapable of maintaining a relationship.

I know that new guy is just a rebound and will get it far worse than me.

I know that I will get better and have stronger relationships.

The ex husband had talked to me a week earlier asking if I would appear in court as a character witness when they end up their over custody issues, like I said her own son no longer wants to live with her.  I told him I was closing that chapter in my life and am not involved.  Thought I had made it clear then that I am done.  His call really set me back.  I have come a long way since NC began, but now I feel like I was thrown back a couple months in my recovery.  I am having a hard enough time opening back up to people and getting the "shell shock" look off my face.  I don't want to bring any baggage into a new relationship.  My biggest worry is that I will never feel the way I did with my exBPDgf with another woman.

[emotionaholic]

So its been just over a week since I got that phone call from the ex's ex husband and I am still struggling.  I feel like how I felt the first month after the break up.  I thought that it would pass after a couple of days but it is not.  I am finding my anger and depression kicking into full gear, and just cant shake it.  After this long I am getting really pissed that this BPD thing is still having such a huge effect on me.  I should add also that an old friend of mine died last week also which as accelerated my spiral.  Loss is all I feel right now. And then there is new girl, she is really starting to like me and I just want to run to the hills.

[GreenMango]

You like this guy?  You want to be friends?  This is why seeking ex of ex out can get dicey.  And attention on her hurts you. 

You gotta move the only thing you have in common out of the picture - that's her.  If ya want to keep this friend can you shift gears? 

Talk about other things... .

Baseball

Kids

Stock market

Movies

Whatever ... .Just not her - what once felt like a cure (validation that she is like this) is now a poison.

[starshine]

Hey emo~ when I feel like that I tend to make an appointment with the acupuncturist.  That's some powerful emotions getting stuck.  Or a good walk in the woods.  I was feeling really bad one afternoon and went out and laid in the grass on a blanket for about 30 minutes.  It helped a lot.

I was feeling really bad last week.  Now I feel a bit better.

[rags_and_feathers]

I'm really sorry this happened, and I know how hard it is to hear that kind of thing!  You need to take care of yourself first and foremost!

That said, I also do feel for the ex husband, and I suspect that your advice and validation is probably helping him to make sense of the situation.   He probably feels as confused and alone as the rest of us -- is there a way for you to suggest that he do some reading about BPD, find a support board, etc? 

One of the hardest things I've experienced through all of this is feeling like I have no-one to discuss all this with.  I don't want to triangulate in mutual friends (GOD is that tempting though!) and I don't  want to blather on to people who don't have a clue about BPD -- so this board is a lifesaver that way.  Maybe you could suggest to the ex-husband that he find support, and explain why it is hard for you to hear about your mutual ex and her new conquests.