Undiagnosed BPDs - do you tell them they might be ill?

[AlexRose]

I am 300% sure my BPD/NPD ex BF does not know about his condition. He lives in a small remote island out in the Pacific, alone, pretty much leading a hermit-like life. I visited, saw how he lives, it really is the end of the world, that place of his. He's got no friends, no job, no phone, the only time he sees fellow human beings is when he does chores for his elderly parents who live nearby but separately. He avoids contact with people. There are few small towns on the island but I am very doubtful there would be a therapist available and even if there was, my ex would not trust a shrink with anything, as he's very alternative and generally hates the government, big pharma and any institutionalised systems. As far as I know he is self medicating with 5-HTP for his depression. He's been smoking pot since early teenage years and also has a long history of taking every possible class A drug, heroin included. When I was with him I did not see any signs of substance abuse except for alcohol, yet can't be sure he really stopped it. For the past 3-5 years he's been quite concerned with his health, east only organic, spends great deal of time in nature.

It's been over 3 months since the first break up. I am healing slowly and am quite sure I won't get back with him, even though I loved him (and still do) dearly. I am wondering if there is any point in telling him he may have a serious condition and / or sending him some information about BPD or not.

I am in NC with him. I did not make any proclamations about hoing into one, one day I just stopped responding to his convoluted emails. Now, if there is contact, it always comes from him and there's always the same pattern: he says how much he loves me and missess me, how he wants me back, then when I don't respond he acts like a drama queen calling me all possible names and making accussations. E.g. the break up was completely his doing, I had no say, yet in his last series of emails he accussed me of dumping him and making his life a living hell. He's highly delusional.

I guess I am strong and centered enough now to be able to pass him a message about his possible BPD on, but is it worth it?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're hurting AlexRose, relationships can be the most painful things emotionally.  Honestly I don't see BPD traits in your description of him, although we can't diagnose anyway.  I know plenty of reasonably healthy people who dream of flying away to a deserted island and smoking pot, this guy actually did it; some would say he's living the dream.  I see some substance abuse and some volatile emotion, but those things are common among "normal" people.

Anyway, my experience is telling someone exhibiting BPD traits that you think they have a personality disorder usually backfires with them diagnosing you, which just escalates the drama.  But think about it: if we are living our lives the best we can and seeing the world from inside our psyche, the only way we can, and someone tells us our mind and our way of seeing the world are disordered, that will come as a shock, especially if we value that person's opinion.  If it is indeed true, it needs to be done with concern, care and empathy, best by someone who's an expert in the right context; blurting out something like that can collapse a person's world, even if your intentions are good.  The best thing you can do is express your concerns from your perspective, coming from a caring place, and set limits on what you will and won't accept; the other person will then use that information however they will, and if you're coming from the heart it may have an impact.  Good luck, and take care of you!

[AlexRose]

fromheeltoheal, thanks.

You seem to have misunderstood me, I did not write this to get a diagnosis for him, his traits are a different story to what I said above, I basically wanted to give everyone some wider outlook into his living situation as a basis for answering my main question. Whether he's got a BPD or not has been discussed with a psychiatrist I know who thinks he may be a textbook example. It is not a real diagnosis though and I am aware of that.

I would never ever act unkindly or without consideration, even in pain or after having been abused, but you don't know me so you can't know. I wrote about how he lives and how unlikely it is for him to get help there, should he be interested in getting it, in order to give everyone some more insight.

I apologise for confusion, English is not my first language so perhaps I haven't made myself clear. Thank you for replying though.

[HarmKrakow]

fromheeltoheal, thanks.

You seem to have misunderstood me, I did not write this to get a diagnosis for him, his traits are a different story to what I said above, I basically wanted to give everyone some wider outlook into his living situation as a basis for answering my main question. Whether he's got a BPD or not has been discussed with a psychiatrist I know who thinks he may be a textbook example. It is not a real diagnosis though and I am aware of that.

I would never ever act unkindly or without consideration, even in pain or after having been abused, but you don't know me so you can't know. I wrote about how he lives and how unlikely it is for him to get help there, should he be interested in getting it, in order to give everyone some more insight.

I apologise for confusion, English is not my first language so perhaps I haven't made myself clear. Thank you for replying though.

If you truly want to help him, indicate that there might be something wrong and that he should seek help.

Saying, I think you have BPD is saying to an alcoholic he drinks 2 much. They get angry.

[Ironmanrises]

Alex... .

Telling him... .

That he has this disorder... .

Won't change anything.

He will either deny it... .

If you are painted black.

He will admit to it... .

If you are painted white.

Or... .

Both... .

Deny/admit... .

To the disorder... .

So that you have... .

No clear answer... .

To his response.

My exUBPDgf... .

In round 2 of discard... .

Denied... .

Admitted... .

Denied/admitted at the same time... .

To having this disorder... .

All in the same sentence.

Did it make any difference... .?

No.

[happylogist]

Saying, I think you have BPD is saying to an alcoholic he drinks 2 much. They get angry.

Agree! If there were no previous talks while in the relationship, saying it after the breakup and going NC without answering emails - will hit the nerve and only will make it worse. AlexRose, from the way you described his lifestyle - it seems he is doing certain conscious choices to lead a healthy life. I think it is already a lot.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal, thanks.

You seem to have misunderstood me, I did not write this to get a diagnosis for him, his traits are a different story to what I said above, I basically wanted to give everyone some wider outlook into his living situation as a basis for answering my main question. Whether he's got a BPD or not has been discussed with a psychiatrist I know who thinks he may be a textbook example. It is not a real diagnosis though and I am aware of that.

I would never ever act unkindly or without consideration, even in pain or after having been abused, but you don't know me so you can't know. I wrote about how he lives and how unlikely it is for him to get help there, should he be interested in getting it, in order to give everyone some more insight.

I apologise for confusion, English is not my first language so perhaps I haven't made myself clear. Thank you for replying though.

Oh, OK, I did misunderstand.  You sound like a kind person who cares AlexRose.

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth I think he sounds very BPD hermit-like.

I really wrestle with the question of whether it is loving to say NOTHING about the obvious pattern of the people that we love pushing away those from whom they sought intimacy.

I have mentioned it (not BPD, but the idea that he has a hard time trusting that someone who gets really close will actually love him & not hurt him) a couple of times in the 2.5 years since my r/s started (we've been friends for the past year after nearly a year of NC).  It has gone poorly in the immediate aftermath, i.e., he doesn't like it, he doesn't agree.  However, he has brought up such issues with me later.  I don't think it has irrevocably damaged our trust.  I do think it's made it much harder for him to consider me as a possible romantic partner though.  I am inside the screen too much now.  He wants to be with someone who believes the false self he is so good at putting out there.  I am like the women in the secret room in Bluebeard's castle who have seen too much.  Still alive, but tucked away.  So I feel like there was a big price tag for even my small hints in this direction.

At the same time, the idea of watching all of this unfold & saying nothing at all, feels really unloving too.  He has incredible resistance to someone else getting in his head, which makes complete sense to me, yet I wonder sometimes if the fact that I have spoken about my impressions plays a big role in his private thoughts. Sometimes, he trusts me, a little bit :/

But for all that, he's taken no meaningful steps toward recovery.  Whatever those are (I've posted on another thread going now about how there appears to be no research sharing that therapy for BPD has much of an impact on r/s & intimacy issues). So what is the point of making him feel like there is something wrong with him, if there is nothing he can do ... .?

It is a question with no good answer, it seems to me.  It is important to validate when and if they raise questions about whether they have attachment challenges.  Beyond that, it's not clear what we can accomplish, except speaking a gentle truth to someone we love, even in a complicated way.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't think it has irrevocably damaged our trust.  I do think it's made it much harder for him to consider me as a possible romantic partner though.  I am inside the screen too much now.  He wants to be with someone who believes the false self he is so good at putting out there. 

And that was the root of the problem for us too.  I knew where I was going with the relationship, a deep emotional bond and true intimacy, and she just wouldn't go there; the closer I tried to get the more she pushed me away, standard BPD.  I don't see how anyone could buy the false self for very long, cracks showed early, but that does explain why she goes through so many men.  Oh well, some lucky girl wants what I got.

[DragoN]

I don't think it has irrevocably damaged our trust.  I do think it's made it much harder for him to consider me as a possible romantic partner though.  I am inside the screen too much now.  He wants to be with someone who believes the false self he is so good at putting out there.  

And that was the root of the problem for us too.  I knew where I was going with the relationship, a deep emotional bond and true intimacy, and she just wouldn't go there; the closer I tried to get the more she pushed me away, standard BPD.  I don't see how anyone could buy the false self for very long, cracks showed early, but that does explain why she goes through so many men.  Oh well, some lucky girl wants what I got.

Waiting and selecting the right person to share your sacred self with is worth the time I think. After the whirlwind BPD style courtship? Once burned twice shy.

BPD will deny and lie to your face. Can send him the links Alexrose, but don't expect a thank you or acknowledgement for it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Waiting and selecting the right person to share your sacred self with is worth the time I think. After the whirlwind BPD style courtship? Once burned twice shy.

BPD will deny and lie to your face. Can send him the links Alexrose, but don't expect a thank you or acknowledgement for it.

I see it another way, by looking at my part.  There were many things, some red flags and some things I thought and just didn't mention at the time, figuring hey, it will all work out.  Of course I didn't know at the time that I was with a person with a serious mental illness.  But I want what we had when it was good, and it was great, the fantasy version anyway, but the real deal exists too, with the right person.  One lesson I got, and there were many, is don't let things go, if it's on my mind bring it up, things that are important to me aren't just going to go away or resolve themselves, communication is one of the keys to a stellar relationship.  I've already had better conversations with women as a result of my BPD 'lessons', and at the very least listening to my gut and talking about things more will prevent me from going down a BPD rabbit hole next time, and would have last time.

[AlexRose]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your insights and concerns, and thank you for sharing your experience.

The reason I thought I might pass him some info on BPD is simple. I am his only friend. There is nobody else who cares. He is lost and lonely, overwhelmed by depression, rage and these insanely strong feelings of inadequacy. He misses his children terribly - is a father to three yet hasn't seen his kids for about 2 years now since his ex left him and took the children away, not wanting to have anything in common with him any more. Everyone abandoned him, he is a mess and he is very lost. Withholding information that could potentially make a difference one day seems not only unloving like patientandclear said but also unethical.

So I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, passing him some information on the disorder could perhaps make him notice similarities with his condition and be a start to his healing journey if he's lucid enough to see the patterns. If I don't do it, nothing will change for him. But on the other hand the remoteness of the place he lives in guarantees that even if he wanted to get professional help he wouldn't be able to, and it's one of the main reasons for which I am so hesitant. Regarding his possible reaction, denial is very likely but it's outwith my control. Guess it is a question of leaving him in his misery or passing some hints on, with love and kindness, regardless of what his reaction towards me will be.

Also, knowing he is sick gives me the strength to not take any of his reactions personally. I am past the stage of wanting to get back together and I am not much worried about him hurting me again. I can cope with another aggressive email or two in case it enrages him. What I don't want though is to make his condition worse or add more pain to his life by making him feel more damaged than he imagines.

Will chew on this for a bit longer, might speak to that psychiatrist I did talk to before, thanks again.

[Turkish]

Saying, I think you have BPD is saying to an alcoholic he drinks 2 much. They get angry.

I threw the BPD thing out to mine 1.5 months ago. It triggered a fight. Later, she admitted what I said scared the crap out of her (she knows she has something else besides depression... .searches on line to self-diagnose, but isn't connecting the dots).

I think the consensus here is NO, don't say it to them. It causes more harm.

[alliance]

I don't advocate telling someone you suspect they are mentally ill.

My ex discovered my concerns when she was rifling thru my computer. She was hurt and angry.

However, the reaction didn't play out as one would expect. No surprise there. It seemed like even that she used to her advantage - bad bad me, poor misunderstood her.

Took 48 hours for the prowling for the next victim to start.

[Turkish]

I don't advocate telling someone you suspect they are mentally ill.

My ex discovered my concerns when she was rifling thru my computer. She was hurt and angry.

However, the reaction didn't play out as one would expect. No surprise there. It seemed like even that she used to her advantage - bad bad me, poor misunderstood her.

Took 48 hours for the prowling for the next victim to start.

That's why I erase my browsing history when I use our common computer at home. And mostly post to this site from work. It's still not foolproof for a computer savvy person, but it erases the obvious evidence.

[newlife3]

Speak to a professional, like the psychiatrist that you know, as this is a self-help website, not a mental health site.


Only you know what is best for your life. Keep in mind that you can not "rescue him, fix him, only he can".

So look at closely what you hope the outcome is, and the reality of the situation. From what you describe his only coping skills are avoidance, ie: off the grid, not dealing with reality, but creating a fantasy world and misusing substances to regulate his emotions. Is he likely to leave his fantasy world, the island and commit to long term therapy, including harm reduction of his substances to manage his chronic, mental illness?

[Aw511]

whenever i softly suggested that my ex get "help" (for trust issues, jealousy, etc... .not for BPD, i didn't put that piece together until after the breakup) he would get defensive, flip out, tell me to stop psychoanalyzing him, etc. so i would always let it go. he did not like being TOLD he should go on meds or to therapy. he once told me he was diagnosed bipolar, and is not treated, although now i realize they may have gotten the Dx wrong. after the inevitable breakup, i told him that i forgave him, after his intense apologies and proclamations that he hated himself, and how upset he was for losing me, and that he was starting to go to therapy. (who knows if he really is or not, i never brought it up again.) i guess my point is, no matter how destructive he is, he had to come to that decision on his own. me kindly bringing it to his attention as a loving girlfriend only caused a fight, big surprise.  truthfully, i'd almost rather him not know, for his own sake... .because i know he doesn't have it in him to do what it would take to change, and knowing would make his situation hopeless. he wants happiness and love as much as the rest of us, but he is programmed to destroy... .heartbreaking.