"Honeymoon period" - does it exist or is it also just an imagination

[Numbers]

I am asking because I feel a bit "jelaous" towards some of you who experienced weeks or months of bliss.

In my case, "honeymoon" lasted for less then a week. She kind of devalued me from day one, but always hid behind "poor me" victim arguments. Mind you, this was devaluing someone who was socially and financially way above her league. Yes, I understand it is insane that I chose to keep up with it for two years, but I guess that I needed to learn that white knights and damsels in distress exist only in fairy tales.

So, was your "honeymoon" really a bliss beyond imagination or was it simply still you being at 100% and able to repress emotional abuse?

[DragoN]

So, was your "honeymoon" really a bliss beyond imagination or was it simply still you being at 100% and able to repress emotional abuse?

Think it was more correctly the above. And flowers. Pretty flowers.

There weren't weeks and months of bliss. More like rapid cycling.

[Ironmanrises]

The honeymoon... .

Or Idealization... .

Is real.

It is as real... .

However... .

As the devaluation... .

That accompanies it... .

In the process.

I can understand... .

You feeling jealous... .

Of yours being shorter in length.

My idealization... .

Lasted months... .

Both times.

The devaluation... .

That followed... .

Made the bliss... .

Of that honeymoon... .

Feel completely... .

Tarnished... .

Beyond words.

The very fact... .

That it was real... .

Also... .

Added to the very pain.

It hurts... .

Because it lasts... .

Only from Point A... .

To Point B... .

In time.

Transitory.

The pain of this acceptance... .

Is lasting.

It hurts.

[hopealways]

I am asking because I feel a bit "jelaous" towards some of you who experienced weeks or months of bliss.

In my case, "honeymoon" lasted for less then a week. She kind of devalued me from day one, but always hid behind "poor me" victim arguments. Mind you, this was devaluing someone who was socially and financially way above her league. Yes, I understand it is insane that I chose to keep up with it for two years, but I guess that I needed to learn that white knights and damsels in distress exist only in fairy tales.

So, was your "honeymoon" really a bliss beyond imagination or was it simply still you being at 100% and able to repress emotional abuse?

It really doesn't even matter if it lasted for a week or a year. I wouldn't even call it a honeymoon phase, it is simply idealization which is part of their illness.  Honeymoon phase presumes there will be a sense of normalcy afterwards but for the BPD it is devaluation afterwards not normalcy.

Be glad that yours lasted only a week! The longer it lasts the more memories we have to avoid.

[alliance]

I experienced a very short honeymoon phase if you want to call it that.

We never managed to get past 2 weeks without something monumental cropping up.

[PM720]

It really doesn't even matter if it lasted for a week or a year. I wouldn't even call it a honeymoon phase, it is simply idealization which is part of their illness.  Honeymoon phase presumes there will be a sense of normalcy afterwards but for the BPD it is devaluation afterwards not normalcy.

Be glad that yours lasted only a week! The longer it lasts the more memories we have to avoid.

My honeymoon phase lasted a very long time. Possibly a year maybe more. I wish I had recognized it for what it was. I spent years trying to get that feeling back.  Always thinking "If I can just show her how much I love her," or "If I can just be better, it will come back"  The thing is then you have those glimpses of it. Those few days here or there where you think it's back and it sucks you in again.  But then after more of the bad, just a few days of common decency from them, ends up meaning the world to you. 

I think deep down you know it's not "right."  But you just really want it to be

[caughtnreleased]

I also never really had the honeymoon phase. And I am so glad because I can imagine it probably would have caused me even more pain, having to remember, and long for the idealisation phase.  He was too busy going off his rocker to keep things together and put together a semblance of a relationship. I feel like I plunged straight into his turmoil, from day 1. After confessing what seemed his deepest, most troubling regrets, past turmoil, and illness, we would sit and cuddle and he would glare down at me... .trying to fight whatever feeling it was that he had inside of him.   I think I saw him, probably at his worst, and I'm glad I did.  It reduces our own idealization of them I think.

[Blade99d]

In my opinion, every new relationship goes through a honeymoon phase, because it is new.  The difference that I noticed is the intensity or manipulation of it, with my BPD ex.  She was saying things like there isn't anything I don't like about you which seemed a bit off, but I ignored that red flag.  This was after one or two dates.  She would say your male member is perfect for me.  She would say no one has ever taken me out like you do.  She litterally made me feel like I was perfect.  It lasted about 3 months. 

In the devaluation phase, she would say things like, I can't believe I fell for you, or there really isn't anything I like about you, but the kicker was when she said, I am going out to look for a big penis tonight... .she was obsessed with size for some reason.  It lasted 3 months as we recycled 4 or 5 times. 

These phases are very real, very damaging and very hard to heal from. 

[Ironmanrises]

In my opinion, every new relationship goes through a honeymoon phase, because it is new.  The difference that I noticed is the intensity or manipulation of it, with my BPD ex.  She was saying things like there isn't anything I don't like about you which seemed a bit off, but I ignored that red flag.  This was after one or two dates.  She would say your male member is perfect for me.  She would say no one has ever taken me out like you do.  She litterally made me feel like I was perfect.  It lasted about 3 months. 

In the devaluation phase, she would say things like, I can't believe I fell for you, or there really isn't anything I like about you, but the kicker was when she said, I am going out to look for a big penis tonight... .she was obsessed with size for some reason.  It lasted 3 months as we recycled 4 or 5 times. 

These phases are very real, very damaging and very hard to heal from. 

In bold.

You basically said... .

What my exUBPDgf... .

Said to me... .

Both times... .

In devaluation/discard.

Damaging... .

Beyond words.

[alliance]

The thing that continues to amaze me... .is that whenever I might have doubts if my ex was PBD, I come here and read others stories.

It is not like the stories are similar. The stories are exactly the same. The words are the same. The actions are the same. Not close, not like but the freakin exact stuff.

Any chance we all dated the same person? I'm kidding. I think.

[Ironmanrises]

The thing that continues to amaze me... .is that whenever I might have doubts if my ex was PBD, I come here and read others stories.

It is not like the stories are similar. The stories are exactly the same. The words are the same. The actions are the same. Not close, not like but the freakin exact stuff.

Any chance we all dated the same person? I'm kidding. I think.

In bold.

The frightening reality.

There are many times... .

Too... .

Where I have those doubts... .

Where I want to tell myself... .

Maybe she was an a$$hole... .

Maybe I wasn't what she was looking for... .

And I wish it was that... .

And what not... .

This forum... .

And the countless accounts... .

The countless... .

Exact accounts... .

Differing only in flavor... .

But with same... .

Horrifying aftertaste... .

Remind me... .

That... .

It is real.

My ex has a disorder.

And I fell in love with that person.

And I am paying the god awful price... .

For that.

I really ___ing hate this disorder.

[starshine]

I really hate this disorder too.

My heart has shattered into a million pieces over and over and over.  It's just so sad that some people are so scrambled, and there is nothing that anyone can do to help them.  Goodness knows, all of us here on this site tried... .I swear, I would have died of a broken heart had I not found this site, and read all of these stories that match my own.  It's really bizarre- like there's a personality template.  Could somebody please break that mold?  I am so grateful to know there is a mental illness, a dis-ease that causes this chaotic personality. 

Becoming aware is the first step.

[Turkish]

I experienced a very short honeymoon phase if you want to call it that.

We never managed to get past 2 weeks without something monumental cropping up.

two weeks was typical for me... .three wasn't rare, but I began to dread what I knew was coming... .in 6 years, I think I once counted a month of outside normality, though I was still anxious... .

[Waifed]

I really hate this disorder too.

My heart has shattered into a million pieces over and over and over.  It's just so sad that some people are so scrambled, and there is nothing that anyone can do to help them.  Goodness knows, all of us here on this site tried... .I swear, I would have died of a broken heart had I not found this site, and read all of these stories that match my own.  It's really bizarre- like there's a personality template.  Could somebody please break that mold?  I am so grateful to know there is a mental illness, a dis-ease that causes this chaotic personality. 

Becoming aware is the first step.

I would have died of a broken heart too. 

[Blade99d]

Here is what I find most amazing... .each of our exes are different people, who do not know each other, yet their behavior is so similar.  It amazes me when I read the stories and i sit back and go WOW, that is my story.  You cant make this up if you tried.  Thats what has kept me NC for 6 months.  I so want to talk to her and help her, but I know deep inside, it is almost impossible to help her.  We should be more upset at their parents for destroying these kids, before they ever had a chance.  It really is so sad.  My ex had a BF commit suicide and when she told me about it, I didn't know what to say.  After 6 just months on the merry go round, i undertand how challenging these relationships are. 

Much like Iron Man... .I hate this f'ing disorder.   

I have been listening to a lot of buckcherry lately, and their new cd Confessions has been quite cathardic for me.  Its about the 7 deadly sins for those that don't know.  Very powerful. 

[Ironmanrises]

Here is what I find most amazing... .each of our exes are different people, who do not know each other, yet their behavior is so similar.  It amazes me when I read the stories and i sit back and go WOW, that is my story.  You cant make this up if you tried.  Thats what has kept me NC for 6 months.  I so want to talk to her and help her, but I know deep inside, it is almost impossible to help her.  We should be more upset at their parents for destroying these kids, before they ever had a chance.  It really is so sad.  My ex had a BF commit suicide and when she told me about it, I didn't know what to say.  After 6 just months on the merry go round, i undertand how challenging these relationships are. 

Much like Iron Man... .I hate this f'ing disorder.   

I have been listening to a lot of buckcherry lately, and their new cd Confessions has been quite cathardic for me.  Its about the 7 deadly sins for those that don't know.  Very powerful. 

In bold.

I would throttle her parents... .

Or whoever it was... .

That ruined... .

And compromised... .

A wonderful human being.

Their inhumanity... .

Has had... .

Consequences... .

On me.

[hopealways]

Mine said (and this is one of the few times I believe she was truthful) that she dreamed of the devil every night since age 5 to 19. 

I asked her: were you abused?

She said, with great conviction, NO.

I cannot believe that someone could dream of the devil for 14 years without having been traumatized/abused in some fashion.  I sometimes think whatever happened to her was so severe she has completely repressed it.  Such a shame.  And yes, shame on their parents.

[ucmeicu2]

I also never really had the honeymoon phase. And I am so glad because I can imagine it probably would have caused me even more pain, having to remember, and long for the idealisation phase.  He was too busy going off his rocker to keep things together and put together a semblance of a relationship. I feel like I plunged straight into his turmoil, from day 1. After confessing what seemed his deepest, most troubling regrets, past turmoil, and illness, we would sit and cuddle  <cut>

very similar to my experience.  in retrospect, when i met my xBPDgf she was already spiraling down into a breakdown ("going off her rocker trying to keep things together!" but i didn't recognize it and by the time i did, i was in 100% hook, line, and sinker.

to break it down, we had 6 weeks of delightful, pretty normal, friendship after which she told me over the phone she had fallen in love with me.  we somewhat consummated the r/s the next night and after 5 intensely amazing hrs in bed ~ i guess she couldnt take the intense intimacy/vulnerability b/c as i was getting ready to leave i said something that set her off, spent an hour trying to reel her in, and then spent the next 2 yrs cycling thru good/bad times but honestly the good times rarely lasted more than 3-4 days b4 her next crisis emerged. 

so, depending on how you look at it, you could say my honeymoon lasted 6 weeks.  or 5 hrs!

[goldylamont]

it's hard for me to remember b/c the r/s started maybe 6 years ago. the first time i remember seeing her talons was when i mentioned an exgf (completely plutonic) and she went Nuts--and still mentioned it even after 4 years. The other "first time" I can remember being at a party with her and randomly, even though we were getting along great she just started ignoring me and purposefully walking off whenever I'd come around. I had enough after about 20 min so without saying anything I just took off. She could've taken a cab home for all I cared. But she ran and caught me on the street and this was the first "PLEASE DON'T GO" abandonment episode (wish i knew what this term was then).

I think either of these happened about 8 months into the r/s? I dunno, it's hard for me to remember straight up idealizing in my case although I'm sure it played it's part. We waited 3 months before making it official and becoming bf/gf, took 2.5 years for her to convince me to move in together. Also, I never really wanted to go back to a honeymoon phase per se, i was really happy when things were good and just didn't expect a long term r/s to be in a honeymoon phase, i just wanted the drama to stop.

For me after several years, it's hard to remember the good from the bad it's all just a blur. But i could say that i was just as happy for months at a time in year 3 as i was in year 1 I think. The last 6 months were hell on earth though... .and lots of troubling moments peppered throughout. I guess for me any time we weren't actively fighting, I was in honeymoon-land :-) I never really felt the urge to go back, just wanted to move forward and not tear each other apart

[ucmeicu2]

The thing that continues to amaze me... .is that whenever I might have doubts if my ex was PBD, I come here and read others stories... .It is not like the stories are similar. The stories are exactly the same. The words are the same. The actions are the same. Not close, not like but the freakin exact stuff.

Any chance we all dated the same person? I'm kidding. I think.

hehe i've wondered the same thing.  ya know, considering how fast some pwBPD run thru r/s's, it's almost conceivably possible that hundreds of us posting here are talking about the same 10 pwBPD!  

that's pretty amusing to me... .my xBPDgf, for example, has ex's in uhh lemme count... .um, well she's lived in at least 4 dif states and her ex's have scattered to at least twice that many, so uh yeah maybe we did all date the same person!

[Numbers]

Thank you all for sharing, it helps to know I am not the only one without, often mentioned, long idealization phase. I was kind of scared that this makes me just so much bigger failure for not standing up for myself.

You see, chaos started immediately. I put up with rages, devaluation and infidelity from day one. But after every craziness there came such desperate pleas not to leave, such heart-wrenching crying, implications of suicide, mountains of promise. I also thought I am just dealing with very hurt person and that things will settle in time. With no prior knowledge of BPD, I fell for it long and hard.

I remember one early conversation. She said "after we are together properly (i.e. after I conform to all her demands), I will turn into a butterfly". Well, yes, turn she did but into a spider. Actually, I take this back, it's an affront to spiders.

It took years for me to finally get broken down to what I am now. After each breakup I found strength to forgive, forget and retry. I know now it is the end, the mere thought of going in again terrifies me. I think this fear will ultimately lead to freedom.

[Noise]

The "Honeymoon phase" with me and my ex was around 6 months. Then she told me she was pregnant... .

I read somewhere a lot of BPD women get pregnant to continue the honeymoon phase.

Unfortunetaly we were both very young and got in a rollercoaster. We had a second baby two years later (ex was only child and told me every day how much she did not want that for our daughter). And after my youngest got born he had a rare syndrome which wasin and out of hospital for us (plus finsihing university/getting jobs etc).

Honeymoon fase was over when she got pregnant. After that surviving all the stress and when that calmed down it went downhill very quick. I knew deep inside I never wanted to marry her, I knew something was broken inside her but thought it was personality... .

[Oliolioxenfree]

I am asking because I feel a bit "jelaous" towards some of you who experienced weeks or months of bliss.

In my case, "honeymoon" lasted for less then a week. She kind of devalued me from day one, but always hid behind "poor me" victim arguments. Mind you, this was devaluing someone who was socially and financially way above her league. Yes, I understand it is insane that I chose to keep up with it for two years, but I guess that I needed to learn that white knights and damsels in distress exist only in fairy tales.

So, was your "honeymoon" really a bliss beyond imagination or was it simply still you being at 100% and able to repress emotional abuse?

My honeymoon phase did not last  long.  In fact, I dont remember a significant one and have even said  "I wish I had a honeymoon phase like everyone else" . I said it many many times, and that right there shouldve been a major indicator of the status of my relationship.  In all honesty, mine probably lasted about 2 weeks.  The high drama started shortly after and the red flags began to come.  In the very beginning, we had two weeks to ourselves before his female friends began to cause major problems (that he allowed) I stuck around for a long time afterwards (2 years) because I, sadly was addicted to that drama and mistook the intensity of it for a real "connection" and his love for me.  But in reality all it was was just drama and a byproduct of his disorder.

Sometimes we'd have a good month or two (That couldve been confused as a honeymoon period IN COMPARISON to what I typically went through with him)because we would have no major problems crop up.   But then just like always, the cycle would begin again and that period would end in tears or a breakup.  6-7 Breakups in nearly two years = unhealthy.

Im glad to be free of it.

[starshine]

The honeymoon phase (for me) lasted into our 3rd year.  We moved in together after a year.  Not to say there weren't red flags, but he was willing to modify his bad behaviors in an attempt to work on improving our relationship.  He was push/pull for about another year, when we coming close to what should have been the completion of our house rehab project.  We moved out of my place, into "our" place, and that's when he painted me black.  He resisted me and the kids moving into "our" house, but since I was paying the bills on both houses while he did the construction work, I pushed for it.  I couldn't continue to pay for both and do everything else I needed to do! He would have full on panic attacks, days on the couch with some sort of phantom illness, temper tantrums, stealing money from me, lots of lying and history rewrites.

[Turkish]

The "Honeymoon phase" with me and my ex was around 6 months. Then she told me she was pregnant... .

I read somewhere a lot of BPD women get pregnant to continue the honeymoon phase.

Unfortunetaly we were both very young and got in a rollercoaster. We had a second baby two years later (ex was only child and told me every day how much she did not want that for our daughter). And after my youngest got born he had a rare syndrome which wasin and out of hospital for us (plus finsihing university/getting jobs etc).

Honeymoon fase was over when she got pregnant. After that surviving all the stress and when that calmed down it went downhill very quick. I knew deep inside I never wanted to marry her, I knew something was broken inside her but thought it was personality... .

It was somewhat ok after our first child, which she pushed for too quickly (and I stupidly agreed), except for one severe depressive episode when she was pregnant with the second, in combination with pre-partum depression. But it was still the bi-weekly blowups over inconsequential (to a non) things... .after the second, things went downhill fast. Of course, it is MY fault for not talking her out of the second child. I tried to, but ultimately told her recently that it was because I thought mentally she couldn't handle it. And I was right. My fault. My fault. We can never let our D know this... .

[nylonsquid]

This!

There was always a problem with her, though seemingly minor in the beginning, the problems kept piling on. For every great moment we had there was a turn to the bad side; though seemingly small earlier it was an indication of things coming. If I asked her her size (so I could get her a surprise shirt she wanted) she would turn it into me talking like a jock at a bar with my friends poking fun of her weight and laughing at it... ? What the heck? Since when was I even a jock in a bar laughing, I'm a quiet artistic type, and she has a perfect body! It raised an eye brow earlier particularly after she calmed down and still couldnt understand what she did was overblown... sheesh... So yea, it could have been hours or months depending how you think of it.