Sexless relationship

[seanburger]

Hello everyone

I'm hoping someone here can give me advice. I've been in a relationship with my BPDgf for almost four years now. As one would expect, it's been up and down. In the beginning she wasn't diagnosed and I had no idea what I was dealing with. Now that I know and have read the lessons and employed the tools, things have been much better. There is, however, one big exception. We haven't had sex in almost two years.

She was raped twice when younger and had a long history of abusive relationships (physically and mentally.) I am not an abuser. Indeed I may be too nice.

She was hyper-sexual in the beginning of the relationship, as one would expect while the entrapment phase was on. Once we started to develop some real intimacy, she began to pull away, saying things like "you want to make love, I want to f***."   Sex began to dwindle to nothing, as did any type of passionate kissing (now I am lucky to get a peck on the lips.) She struggled for a while with depression, and I felt really bad about applying any pressure on her regarding sex, especially given her history. The couple of times I suggested "a quick f***" she rejected me and dysregulated (after saying she would not refuse in a previous conversation we had about initiating sex.)

She is still vey affectionate in a hug and be close way, almost like a little girl. We live together and she has no issues walking around naked, but any advance on my part is met either with a cold shoulder or a cutsey response in her little girl voice.

So, here are my questions/where I need advice:

1.) I am worried that it's not that she's not interested in sex, but that she's just not interested in sex with ME. This is hard on m ego and I certainly don't want to be in a relationship where I have to worry hat she's just waiting for someone hat tickles her fancy, so to speak.

2.) I want to discuss this with her with the least chance of dysregulation and the least pressure on her. What I don't want is the "Why are you bringing this up NOW? It's ben bothering you for so long?" deflection.

3.) I really don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do. I don't want a sympathy ****. The last time we had sex (almost two years ago) she was completely inert and may have dissociated. I felt like crap, eve though she suggested sex on that occasion.

Has anyone here dealt with these issues i there relationship and successfully rekindled the sexual aspect of their relationship? She talks about buying a place together, moving to a new city, etc. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. I'm not shallow or sex driven, but my self esteem has suffered for sure, especially knowing how crazy sexually she has been in the past with abusive partners. My mind understands, but my heart is broken.

Thanks in advance for any wisdom. It's not easy writing this.

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[dawnjd]

two years is a long time and I admire you for that patience! I don't have advice on the BPD end of sex in the relationship... .but sex and the frequency of sex in the relationship has been a common topic of sessions with my counselor.

My situation is different. uBPDso has a higher sex drive than I do. We also have a 3 year old and while I believe that is it natural for the frequency of sex to decrease some as the relationship progresses, I think having the toddler compounds this problem for us.

Because of this, there are times I am willing to have sex, even when the mood doesn't strike me. My therapist has explained to me that it is very rare for two people to have the exact same desire for the frequency of sex, hence one is always going to want it more than the other. That is when an agreement needs to be made... .some middle ground that is suitable for both. In my case, I am willing to "give sex" to SO when he wants it at times, but I am trying to make it clear that I will be less willing to have sex if certain needs aren't met for me (i.e. mornings are best, DS needs to still be asleep and I need to not be rushing out of the house).

SO is horrified that I would be willing to have sex without "being in the mood". And my telling him that there have been times in which this has already happened, his reply is, "That is sick and messed up." So we are at a situation where he only wants sex if I am fully "into it and passionate" and it can't just be "a quickie f***" for him. So that is his choice. Because I am the one with the low sex drive, his decision to not have sex in this situation is really no bother for me. (I believe that one can still have a strong relationship without sex being the determining factor. In my case, sex is not a "need", but it is a "need" for him.)

So maybe this has less to do with the BPD than that you both have different sex drives? Even if it is because of the BPD, maybe you both need to discuss how your needs can be met when she can't meet them for you (like is she ok with you "helping yourself" when she isn't in the mood?) Don't know if my views help, but my therapist has really helped me understnad that this is not uncommon in many relationships and finding common ground is the key.

[sadeyes]

Hi Seanburger,

I could have written quite a bit of your post with the exception of the fact that I am the female and my pwBPD is the male. The whole situation has taken a huge toll on my self esteem also. Also, knowing his history of relationships w/ past relationships makes it worse for me. I feel very unwanted an undesirable in my own home. It is compounded greatly by the fact that I think he may have a porn addiction and if not he is a very 'active user'. This makes it even worse because I feel as if is not that he is not interested... .its ME that he doesn't want.

In fact a major dysregulation came pretty early on from my suggestion that we 'order delivery and spend the night In' as opposed to going out for dinner one night.

My SO does not have a history of sexual abuse that I am aware of, but he does have a STRONG history of verbal, emotional & physical abuse. I have heard before that his brother said in a drunken stooper (alcoholic) that he(my so bro) was sexually abused, so maybe there is something there. Who knows?

Like you, he will basically not kiss me more than a quick smack on the lips, but is very cuddly.

The only thing that I can possibly think of that could have added to the troubles is an encounter (can't believe I am posting this on a public forum, bou oh well) that did not lead to lets just say the big finish on my part. It happens... .not a problem for me... .still had a good time, but he seemed disturbed by it. Not sure if it made him feel inadequate or what, but that is the only event in our past that I can put ANY connection to.

[HopefulDad]

I feel for you... .2 years is a long time.  It's understandable why she feels this way, considering *two* rapes in her history.  There is a lot going on inside her that is very likely going to need some serious therapy on this issue.  Getting her to seek professional help is probably your best bet at recovering any sex drive.

Sex isn't the most important thing in a romantic relationship, but it is important and there is no shame in needing it.  And make no mistake, we're biologically wired to need sex.  Like priests and nuns, you can supress this need, but you're fighting nature.  And yes, we all have different sex drives, but to have no sex drive is something else all together.  There is nothing wrong in expecting your SO to have some sex drive, even if it doesn't match yours.

You should address her in the spirit of the above.  Yes, she may deregulate, attack you, call you "selfish" or what not.  But you shouldn't hide from this.  Given enough time you will resent her more and more and hate yourself for not speaking up sooner.

I hope such a talk gets you somwehere.

[briefcase]

You can try to raise this issue with her in the DEARMAN format, which is what we use when we want to ask for something.  Has she seen a therapist to help her work through the trauma of the rapes?  If not, you might want to gently suggest that you would support her in that effort.